Gambling- the sure way of getting nothing from something! 11th May 2014

Good start my friend posting on here you can do this if you want it as you can see by other diarys that are on here I will follow your diary as I said you can do this.

The bear

Thanks bear,I'm here for the long haul,I've gota give this my all.

I've slept as much as I can the reality of what I did yesterday haunted me through the nite,the what ifs,how I'm gona get myself out of the hole I'm in- I know I will,but thats just the start,I have to change.

My partner knows I have a problem with gambling,I've messed up in the past,but she doesn't really understand,and as long as the bills are paid I can do what I like with my spare money,but I doesn't work like that. I gave her control of our joint account,but since have obtained a personal account of my own,which un beknown to me when I applied also gave me access to the joint account.

I' can get myself out of this mess,and once I've got my overdraft paid,I'm getting rid of my personal account,I found not having access to a debit card a massive help when I've abstained in the past.

I can't look too far ahead.I'm just concentrating on getting through today. Just for today I shall not gamble.

Sat at work now,trying to find ways of getting myself out of the s**t.-ive said it before but i never want to feel like this again,i feel so angry,sad,helpless- it feels worse each time i fail.

Ive decided to go the hard route out of debt,i considered a loan or credit card,but if i really penny pinch the next few weeks i rkn i could just about survive without having to go down that route.

To be honest the more pain i suffer the better,-its weird there seemed any inevitability about losing yesterday,i had nearly broken even,but thats never enough and strangely wanted to lose in the end,perhaps its because i needed to hit an all time low to be able to stop,it could of gone more drastically wrong.-i did consider upping my credit limit and could of lost serious money,but at least i stopped when i did.

Im gona do a lot of reading and soul searching this week

Day 2,- I still got that gut wrenching feeling in my stomach,my head is still all over the place,1 thing I do know I do not wish to gamble anymore.

I've done a lot of reading,looking back,and soul searching,I'm not in a good place,but in a better place than I was sunday arvo when the self destruction process was in full swing.

The more I look back at sunday it could of been disastrous,more disastrous than it was,a debt of 694.34 could of been 5 times that easily.

Reading the threads on here is very theraputic,the worst gambling experiences by tomso made me think back- I came to the conclusion that every bad experience - (hundreds) have always been after a big win,trying to re create that euphoria.

I once won 10 grand of 50.00,the next day I woke up hungover after celebrating I wanted to place 50 on my team to draw 2-2, I couldn't be bothered to get out of bed,they drew 2 all,I wanted the 700 that I would of won,which eventually lead me to lose the 10 grand- which in turn got myself in 40 grand out debt.

My latest episode was inspired by winning 1500 a couple of weeks a go,the next day 450 lost, a week later all gone to sunday a grand of debt. - It just proves to me u can't win cos u can't stop.

Off to work,I defo will not gamble today.

I think the numbers are not worth thinking about we just know we can't do it well we can but we end up lonely depressed and apart from the world we can change our future know its tough in first few days but you can do this there is light at the end of the tunnel if you want to see it.

Keep it up

Take care

The bear

Hiya robby. Good decision coming back on here. We don't win by gambling and we don't enjoy it so why bother. It really isn't worth it is it. It's never any different always the same cr**. I've had enough and I'm glad you have to. Stick to this diary and take things slow and you'll break the habit of it all and you'll feel much better for it. Just one day at a time.

Thanks for joining the thread, it's great to have you on board. There's been a good response so hopefully be a good journey and a cracking way to start the new year. Can't wait!

Thanks the bear and dave,- yep I'm hoping come the new year I will be in much better place,your thread will be a good focus.

I gota lot of hurdles coming up,holidays-(which I find hard) ,birthdays,xmas - things Im gona need money for,temptation will come into play,one day at a time tho,I will conquer them when the time comes.

I had a good day y'day,managed to pay the spread betting company what I owed them from sunday,account closed,-in order to pay them I had to log on to their site,couldn't help but look at the current markets,- I picked out a fantasy bet,something I really have to stop doing,it would of won.

I gota get through to my thick head,that if this bet was real it would still be disastrous,winning is worse than losing in my eyes.

I've never come to this conclusion before,- in the past when I've abstained,I have watched sport and placed these fantasy bets in my head,and when they win,it naturally ignites temptation,anger,what ifs etc - but winning has always been disastrous,it always without fail leads to greed,eventually losing more than was won.

Conclusion,winning = lose,lose = lose

Glad I got that straight in my head.

Booked a holiday for our family for next summer y'day,it was from our joint savings,(which I don't have access to) gives us summit to look forward to,and made me feel good that the money was being used for what it was meant for.

Day 4 today,I gota small problem of a antepost bet that will resolved the wkd,I'm gona try not to think about it,I've had this problem before when giving up,- gave up for 6 months only for a ante post bet to come up trumps,the unexpected winnings I didn't know what to do with sent me back to gambling. -at least this time its early in my recovery and I'm aware,any winnings goes to my partner.

That's another day,just for today I shall not gamble.

Hi Robby, thanks for your post, I'm feeling like I am making headway at the moment felt terrible last few weeks.

Good to have the holiday to look forward too. Those anti post bets are your connection back to gambling, that is something tht is holding you in that world.

I too am beginning to agree with your logic win = lose, lose = lose.

Keep strong

Pat

Thanks for the reply pat.

Day 5,- the first day 5 for a long time,- been for a nice long run tis morning,feeling good,100 times better than last sunday.

Running does give u time to think,Im defo on the right path again,I'm thinking clearly.

I realise that this is a lifetime battle,I will always be a compulsive gambler,one day at a time I can arrest it.

I did summit stupid but necessary y'day,I opened an account with the 1 bookie in europe I've never had an account with,a spread company,- I only did it so I could self exclude permantly straight away. I did this and I'm now permantly excluded from every bookie I know that exists- extereme but summit that gives me peace of mind.

Day 6,-

Today is gona be as hard as I make it,I've gota an antepost bet that I put on in may, that will probably be decided to day,its hard to disregard it cos its worth quote a bit of money,in a way I hope it loses,if it does win its straight to my partner.

Last time I abstained for over 6 months I had a ante post footy bet come up trumps for the same sort of winnings,I didn't know wot to do with the money,and went back to gambling.

I've made plans this arvo.so I won't watch,I'm gona try my best to forget bout it.

Apart from this little hurdle,I'm in good shape,went for another run tis morn,feeling good mentally and physically.

I was asked what footy I fancied the wkd,- I aint gota clue who's playing who,the convo was a short one!

I do find not buying any papers a great help.

Here's to a happy,stress free gamble wkd.

Thanks bobbox. Nice to hear from someone who is in a similar situation to me. Just to know I'm not the only crazy 'can't lose a penny' gambler.

Read your diary and so much I read, could see in me.

I too am in penny pinching mode at the minute. One of my problems was spending on girlfriend and family when I was winning and now that I have blown so much can't do that right now. I had this good feeling of sort of robbing from the rich and giving to the poor when I won when I was gambling. That was born from having one over on the bookies and sharing my wealth. Little did I know they were only reeling me in!

Like you, I can go for long periods abstaining then when I least expect it I've got a little flutter on the go, a harmless bet is what I tell myself. Won't be a problem if I lose , I'll just let it be, but I don't!

That's when I'm at my worst and feel, like you too, could lose a lot more than I already have.

Keep posting sir, good to hear from you

Thanks for the post heavan.

I found y'day quite hard,my ante post bet lost,and I felt surprisingly angry,shouted out a few f's and c's,but that's where it ended- that's that hurdle out of the way.

My interest in horse racing has now ended,I'm gona watch try and stop flicking over to atr,its just habit.

Not knowing the footy fixtures worked a treat,I did see the results,but no interest apart from my teams score.

I've had the odd thought of a punt today,strangely keep thinking of spread betting- cos I'm good at that!!! Only lost a grand at it last wkd!!! Why do we always think were gona win,and never think of losing and the consequences.

The urge will pass,I'm self excluded from all the spread bookies anyway,nice to have that safety net

Family day today,there gona get my full attention.no phone stuck to my hand today.

Just for today I shall not gamble,day 7.

Robby,

Enjoy the day with the family and keep going. Winning it all back would be worse than loosing some more. It will only result into going back into gambling and properly a few weeks down the line being in a worse situation and the first week to tackle again. The first week I felt was the hardest and it's only gonna get easier from now.

Onwards and upwards.

Hanz

Thanks hans, - your right it does get easier.

Day 8,I woke up a bit grumpy today,dunno if its just the monday feeling or that im mourning for the loss of my evil gambling former self.

I had a good wkd,I had glimpses of how things should be whilst at the park with the kids y'day arvo,- for once I wasn't checking my phone every 2 seconds and I actually enjoyed myself.

I only spent £8 all wkd.overdraft will be own under a grand this week,- considering the mess I was in 8 days ago I'm in good shape. - overdraft cleared by xmas is the aim.

Busy day 2day,day 8 in the bag