...

Thank you Rachel, Phil, Lisa, Dave and Nicki...Fantastic support, hope you all having a good day!

Dear diary,

Finally caught up with my precious beauty sleep lol ! i like my sleep, so just use opportunity fully if i come to have some rest haha...

Few slight urges this morning.....wasn't too happy, but they gone as quick as they come...that beast is waiting for weak moment, and keep doing press ups behind those door, but you know what, i'm not lazying around either, i do double press ups and getting stronger inside out....

In general, very good day today..went for a looooonnnggg run, rang mummy, did washing and will be cooking later(again) lol

Was talking about fears yesterday...I've got few of them, but after a little discussion i come to realize it's the fear of the fear ( if that makes sense) what's the biggest issue, but as long as you get head on with it, it's not as scary as it looked like at first..good to understand things like that, helps me a lot.

Despite not getting so long waited call today, i keep positive and keep looking around for something more suitable for me.

I'm getting my confidence back, which is fantastic, and why not to start tomorrow head high, finally face the mirror and just say " Hey there, how you doing today?"

Haha, the things we come out with to help ourselves:)

Anyway, enough for now, day 72, feel good, going for a little drive to petrol station lol and maybe pay a visit round sis. I won't waste a minute for gambling, it's long gone and gonna stay that way:)

Take care all, wish you all the best and stay strong!

Sandra x

Huge congrats on the 72 days Sandra, fantastic achievement!!! The urges can be hard to deal with especially with all the tv ads for casino/bingo sites and then ads flashing up on the computer but we can beat this and ignore the evil voice urging us to gamble! Stay strong xxx

Fantastic achievements Sandra ....and wow ..am exhausted just reading about the excercise !

My neighbour is trying to get me to go running ..I bought the shoes way back in Jan but as yet still not had an airing ..lol

Swat those urges away

R and D xx

Thanx pinksparkle and Rach...ey Rachel i'm sure those trainers begging you to try them on...been half a year after all lol 🙂

Hello diary,

Another sleepless night, too much on my mind.Decisions in life....so far i made the wrong ones ( except giving up gambling thank god)....

Got opportunity to come back to my old place. Worked there for 8 years, and left this March couse was after more challenges...but it didn't work out too well and i'm stuck in between...I'm trying to weight things and see what i would like more.

It's hard and i'm cr** with making decisions, very complicated...but for once i have to think about myself, my future and goals.

Right, enough moaning...time for a run ( in a rain) and get ready for work. No gambling thoughts, easy decision made for today:-) day 73, keep them coming.

Take care all, hope you all have a good day and stay strong

Sandra x

Good morning diary,

Another day another hope as they say....another fight for me..

I just thought is it possible to have a bad day followed after nightmare? Couse that seemed the case yesterday..just to have that constant worry feeling following you all day its sickening... i'm scared to sleep, and thats no good...

Felt and still feel so lonely like never before, i do like my own company, but this time is different... Just so wanted to speak to somebody, who understands.....Don't know what's wrong with me...weather, other worries, stress, middle age crisis( at 28?)My bad moods are back more often...

Ohhh...maybe just have to see doctor.maybe some sleeping tablets would send me to calm rest...

Oh god what a sad post...i'm very sorry if any of you read it...just not in the best place at the min....jeez, i have edited this post near enough all night and still.....sad post...

I just don't want to end up breaking all my days withought gambling, it wasn't that bad most of time i'm managing well..., i know it's not the way out....and i will fight.....another fight for me...another day....

Everyone else please take care and stay strong

S x

Hey Sandra

It's just my opinion Hun but don't worry about positive stuff all the time ..it's your diary and you write whatever you like.

One of the reasons I ended up in this mess was because I was too busy people pleasing and thinking of other people all the time and not myself.

The person on the outside was not the person on the inside.

I've written some horrific posts on here but you know it was an honest account of how I felt and that's all you have to do is be honest about how you really feel.

Even if you are down for the next 10 years ( that's not gonna happen but you know what I mean) that's ok by me...the good bad and the ugly needs to come out and here is where you can do it..

No me is going to tell you to stop talking or to stop writing things..in fact on my most down days I got maximum support as you are keeping it real.

If someone goes out and makes an unhealthy choice based on a post then that is their responsibilty not yours...and if anyone is going to do that on the forum it is likely to be after reading one of my posts not yours and that I can 100% guarantee.!

I made a decision from day 1 that I was not going to selectively edit myself as that is why I became ill.

I hear stuff I don't like every day but part of recovery for me is to learn to deal with it better rather than be kicking off all the time or Internalising it ..so I dump all that s**t on my dairy so at least it out and not poisoning my head and taking on a life of its own,

Please don't edit and edit your posts for fear or guilt .you are entitled to your thoughts Sandra ..all of them ...and I for one will accept whatever you post as at the end of the day.

Recovery is selfish but its selfish in the RIGHT way and everyone one here gets to know that.

Also I like reading people's bad days ...you know why?? Cos I don't feel so alone then and thinking "is it just me? "

You post your honesty Sandra and I am behind you 100% ...don't feel guilty !!

R and D xx

hi Sandra

Rach is right. Its normal to have up n down times and im my humble opinion its important to document bad as well as good. it not only clears our head, but is a great tool for reflection later.

Please never apologise for your diary-its yours!

take care

Irene

x

Thank you ladies...you two are like brick wall shielding me from horrible lows and darkest times...most appreciated.just reposted....

I will catch up with every one of you on this forum over weekend, just need to get some sleep before that:-)

Dear diary,

Still day 74, which is ok, because i'm still gamble free. Not sure what's happening inside my head recently, but sure it's not gonna last long.( not first and not the last time feeling this way). Work last night really put me down, all management was called on a carpet....silly f*** up happened couple of weeks ago....and raging director just kept pointing at each one of us saying he will sack us...well, it wasn't entirely our fault ( op not following procedures again!). As i said i can't stand behind everyones back for whole 13 hours..... that place needs sorting out...

Not too sure i would be bothered, don't like it there..i do put my happy mask on i have to admit, not always but more recently.

Decide to refuse my old place offer, one of the reasons i left, because it was getting the same routine for 8 years...stress too, no appreciation, b****y people.

So yea, just keep looking around....

No gambling thoughts, taking day at a time

And hopefully get stronger in other areas too:-)

Keep at it guys, i'm proud of you all

Sandra x

Hey Sandra..

I hope you dont delete your diary it's a part of you ! Xx

Just to share a bit with you ....when I first got on this forum I was one weak piece of s**t ..this is diary 3 !!

I have now pretty much got my mojo back ..:) and become the person that I used to be plus turbo extras!

In the time I've been on here I've had spats...and also I know I have hurt people because some days I have a total rant about living with an addict even though you peeps on here I think the cyberworld of ...and would also fight all your battles for you if I knew you in 3d xx..lol ..I know there are 2 ladies on this site who I know have been hurt by my posts but I think that they now see where I'm coming from ....or at least think " she's a pain in the a**..but she's our pain in the a**"

It's hard for me to write some days "I foooking hate them all " ( except Sandra,Castle ,Joan ,SA,Duncs,Freda, Shiny. Irene, Volcano,Ade,Rob,etc etc...) ..even now I'm thinking ...Rob will think I hate him as he's last...!

I hope you see what I mean .....I am still struggling with the ex factor as that was sooooo personal and has had far reaching implications for me than just the loss of money ..it retriggers my entire life as my mother died of alcoholism......but as I said to Irene on her post .if you guys went and gunned down 20 people I would be on your side...

The stuff I write that's "ranty" is not personal to anyone here..although some posts may trigger my resentments but its usually past resentments retriggered and not personal but in real life this is the stuff I have to learn to deal with better as I'm rubbish at it!!

I am an adult/child....which means the same emotional make up of an addict but who is still trying to control.

I know my dairy triggers too and in a warped kinda universe in glad that whoever I trigger just because I'm being me ...they and I have an opportunity to see the thinking behind it ..

I know a few people are hurt with what I can say..but funnily enough ..those same people have the same vulnerabilities as me but we just deal or not deal with them I'm a different way...

I am also split ....split with my anger at certain individuals not on this forum but in my 3d life but trying with all my might to not lump everyone in the same boat..

I have to use my diary for the good bad and ugly because when the equivalent of my urges come up I have no escape either so it has to get dumped in here...

I wrote that just to let you know that no matter what I write I'm actually on your side!

I get it ...and what I don't get im trying to get..if that makes sense...

People have given me infinate patience on this site (or a wide berth) but either way ..im just the same as you good folk..I'm trying to understand knowing all along that it could have been me ...it still might be the rate im going ..I can't deal with my emotions either and I get hurt and am sensitive to everyone and everything .

HEY!!

Look at that Sandra ...I also went off there ..but I hope that makes sense to you ....

I'm thinking you may feel exposed and vulnerable but im also thinking I like to think I'm a mind reader but often I'm totally wrong ...

Keep posting xxxx R and D xx

Wow Rach, for a minute i thought i logged on on my kindle lol

Should write a book if you haven't yet. Very interesting thoughts... getting some inspiration there:-) thank you for taking your valuable time to write.

Anyway, lovely evening, feel a bit spaced out, still tired and no sleep, but it's ok, soon be morning. As me and all of you see, i'm in better spirits, maybe couse i'm not fully with it. Helps me here, i'm very quiet lol..prob people thinks i'm on some kind of sedators lol....not roaming around being maddy.

Well enough for now. Still no gambling thoughts, which i'm pleased with. Another day tomorrow, which means weekend off and catch up on some deserved sleep( fingers crossed)

Take care all

Sandra x

Good morning dear diary,

Time flies so quick...not if i'm having fun ( i'm at work after all) but it's considerably OK. Talking about speed, i do feel like i need to 'hit brakes' now and again. I'm rushing everythere, but it's healthy to slooowww down and look at the situations from other point of view. ( saying that, last year somebody tried to sabotage me, by f*****g brakes up and letting me on a way on M1...good and quick reaction with handbrake must of saved my life) that garage well out of my radar now, useless b.......s, should of sued them and take up court.

Anyway....getting back to what i was saying....Sloooww down, concentrate on things, and try to understand myself better. It's all good, i'm happy my low moods don't push me to the point to go online and f... k my wage away.. must be some common sense left in my little 'brainy' head lol.

Day 75 i think it is..fantastic- well done Sandra haha keep them coming:-)

That's it my dear diary, if i wont stop now, i will carry on till time to go home.

Yay, nearly weekend.....Zzzzzz time 🙂

S x

Have a good weekend Sandra....am also off now and hoping to slow my brain down..ha ha ha.....I can hope.!

R and D xxx

Day 75! Whoop whoop Sandra!!! Well done!

I have found that the first few weeks are quite drawn out but after that the time flies by and the evil urges subside but they are always there ready to strike in the form of Babs Windsor or talking foxes lol. But I fight these urges using my remote control like a light saber! Take care and

have a fab weekend! x

Hey Sandra

I don't hate you xx

I'm having a pretty tough week...today I broke my own blocks ,read a thread I vowed to keep away from and the result is me raging again...it's too close to where I came from..

I will be back with more upbeat posts when I've calmed down..

I also have full respect for you too no matter what as I know the road you have taken is not an easy one like the others on here ...I hope you recognise that and feel so so proud of yourself ..

((((S))))

R and D xx

Hey Sandra,

Congratulation on day 75. Glad your finding time to

Slow down and take stock of things. Do you have the whole weekend off so you can sleep? If so enjoy.

Jane a good one, take care

Nic xx