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Hey there Lovely. Thanks for dropping by. I've been thinking about you, but I didn't really know what to say. Things sound really tough for you right now. I agree with all that Freda had to say. I don't think it's suprising that you're experiencing lots of difficult feelings at the moment. The meetings seem to be bringing to the fore a lot of old emotions and memories. Your post on tuesday spoke of that. And you're dealing with it without resorting to your addictions. That's a hard thing to do and it's why you're feeling so raw and overwhelmed at times. But it's so important to do that. To feel it all. That's not easy and it's uncomforatble, and upsetting and makes you want to run or get angry or lash out (to others and yourself). But it's part of the healing. As ever, I worry that you're doing this alone. I know you have the meetings and lots of very good support, but still I pray for the day that you'll bite the bullet and accept professional help. You raised the counselling? Psychiatrist? question. You know my thoughts 😉 but I think I'm starting to understand yours too and I have to accept that you won't/can't go until you're absolutely ready. Who knows when that will be?

I watched the In Therapy with Callum Best and the therapist Mandi Saligari programme today. It's on channel 5 (you can download it). And as I watched it there were things she said, that made me think of you. You're nothing like him and your experiences are very different, and yet there was some fundamental things in there that resonated with me and I felt would resonate with you too. If you feel minded to, why not watch it? See if you get a feel of what she's saying. I'd be interested if you can connect with some of the things she said.

Listen S, I have no great words of wisdom for you. I wish I could take away your pain, but I can't. It's in your hands. For what it's worth I think you're doing what's needed.

((((S))))

Thank you LB...i did glanced at the programme today but not fully concentrated. Will have to get bk to it & share my thoughts then ☺

Dear diary,

Calm waters once again. Not sure how long for but shall take it just for today!
Good meeting today & voiced myself once again. ..completely different manner...lol..bless them all! No tears, no questions, no anger, no confusion...just peace and calm today. Reflected on last week rambling (it has shocked me to the core) and how i acted following it. True...it gets worse before it gets better..makes sense now. I was evil recently and i wanted to share my behaviour with complete strangers. ..kind of wanted to give myself a chance to get better..accept my mistakes and flaws & work on them. It felt good to open up and admit that i am in the wrong way more times than not. I can only learn from mistakes,...as long as i am givem that chance to change!

Ummm...stopping addictions is not enough - fact! Doing it by yourself - impossible...took a while for me to realise that. I shall work on myself nice & steady. Programme offers new life. I may give it a shot! Definitely wont b any worse! Feel like found my feet at the rooms...don't feel like square peg at all!

Talked to sister today...about my dress code lol..yup, i have detoriated in that department but "comfy and plain" outweighing "posh but uncomfortable"...was tempted to say that i am not missing something i never had...which is true. ....we are so different it's unreal!.. but again, we also have different priorities in life!
I shall work on my dress code but for now i shall concentrate on food on the table and roof over my head...not designer tags to show off.

Well..cuppa finished, relaxing bath had, fresh sheets awaits!

Not trendy Saturday night for a single 31 yr old but man....don't i choose peace and calm over everything else on offer in big big world! ☺

Goodnight all & take care!

S x

Hi, Sandra,

Nothing useful to say, just a flyby to wish you well.

KOKO,

CW

Hello diary & thank you CW ☺

Well, i know i keep saying progress not perfection but last two days felt exactly like that - perfect in my lil world!

Was thinking now that come tom or next week and another low post will follow (used to the emotional roller coaster) ...but you know what, - doesn't matter! If it will, so be it. I take what i have now & i cannot compare the feeling tbh! It's awesome emotion ☺..tommorow is another day and i shall not look too far ahead there.

So....i had an eventful day yesterday. From excitement to sadness and deep thought. Had a good sob sitting on the floor leaning against the wall and looking through window. I asked myself what i want from my life and why i fail to see good in it? The wheels started rolling in the right direction there and then and i cannot be happier for this new found acceptance!

I slept on the floor clutching hot water bottle because it was an Arctic conditions lol..yup..my luck once again for boiler to pack up but ya know what, - i was still smiling! Shower broke I'm smiling! Bath's panel falling off - I'm smiling! Lol..as crazy as it sounds all these things trully didn't make me stressed or angry..(well...the need of the shower or bath did but i couldn't brace freezing water!...over the tap is all i could brave myself lol)...i was genuinely happy! Happy and at peace!..& still am..i was still staring at the ceiling thanking my special stars for such transformation!

I have missed my meeting today however feel like had one of the best therapies having a chat with a friend! Something, as she correctly pointed out, neither of us wasn't even dreaming talking about few years ago! 12 steps/ meetings...bahhh huh...how much has changed in that time! Open mind and acceptance really took place! I appreciate rooms, they broaden the horizon & helps me to understand my behaviours. It's ongoing progress there and never ending lessons i am still eager to learn ☺

I guess that's me!
Thank you Alan for your response the other day, it hit the nerve but actually made me think of something i really struggle with.....letting go of the past!
I may just be ready for that now....i have an opportunity for a new chapter in my life ☺

Right, i guess i best get to the pit in this warm house...have to enjoy warmth while i can lol...back to the Arctic tommorow! Bloody boilers grrrrrrrr...heh heh...I'm still smiling!

No addictions to report - just for today i choose life.

S x

Good morning diary!

Another glorious morning and i am starting to like Mondays ☺

We were talking about child -adult reference at the meeting yesterday and this once again related to me big deal! (Once again i never thought i will look at it from this angle & once again it's just another reason to keep taking my medicine as i am learning more than i thought i can!).
So child - adult huh..i am probably between 8 - 13 now, chucking in few teenage tantrums as i can well recall!.
I did have childhood and i cannot brush it off..i climbed the trees, built tents, walked on the fences, played hide and seek, skipped over the rope, "speeded" down the hill on the sledge in winter, carefree days where i was bathing in the mud just to come back home and be stripped down at the doorway for a good telling off ..yes...i had childhood..but something else was outweighing this.
The responsibility, strict routine, walking on eggshells around family members, dealing with school bullies, surviving few life's events,.....i actually entered adult life very quickly...drink, drugs, fighting for survival on a dark night trying to find a way home, being chased on more than one occasion and running for my life...once unsuccessfully...
Coming over here @ 18. Feeling the freedom but also not knowing how to live, how to act, how to survive.
I started working, getting responsibility on my shoulders, acting like an adult.
I fully remember the couple i keep dear to my heart at my first workplace. RIP....you both looked after me like your own granddaughter. You have seen child in me, yet you had so much patience and determination to "teach" me going forwards. You have helped me hugely to understand life a little better and not only work surroundings...i am forever greatful my lovely Malc & Brenda. I have never seen my own grandparents but i classed you two as them ☺..i never told you that but you taking me under your wing and safeguarding me meant way more than anyone can imagine xxxxx

I lived and still do a split life. Child & adult in me. Maybe in a weird way i refuse to let go the inner child...that's interesting thought huh.

Irresponsible Gambling, drink, drugs & so on. Throwing tantrums and acting like a most annoying kid..you have seen me on here, you know me.. The careless feeling not thinking about consequences! Total madness looking at it now! How absolutely unacceptable!

This post has crossed fired as you see...why? Because i am an adult but i still have a child in me. The difference now is, i am more responsible for my actions, i am surviving on adults terms and I'm learning to enjoy being a child on crazy/funny/ silly activities i may think off...but in a different and more cautious manner...separating the lil one and grown up one ☺

Maybe it's doable...of course it is 😉

I have responsibilities on my shoulders yet I'm smiling and laughing at my own silly thoughs and situations i put myself into...@ least i know I'm not alone there...we all have those little childish moments in us....the key is to navigate them in a responsible manner...balance the emotion & enjoy the outcome without devastating consequences.

I leave it there! Take what you need and descard the rest.

No addictions to report ☺

Ps. I love life! (For today...lol..will let ya know how i feel later on)

S x

Nice post there Sandra.

Acceptance. What a lovely place to be 🙂 Can feel that coming off the page.

Yes, we are where we are. I don't know if this will mean anything to you but I know you share a feeling of "I shouldn't be feeling this way" a lot. That yes, I know I have emotional scars but I don't always know why I am so low on some days. Some days there is no clear emotional trigger.

It's just a small observation but in it I think there is a lot of profound truth. When I lived with my father, I would cry a lot. He would try and "control" it. Asking "why are you crying?" Often, I would have no idea. This focus on why did not feel good. It made me feel more confused and more 'unwell'. Fast-forward to living with my (now ex) husband. He accepted that I am a very emotional person, often I don't know why I am crying, or low, or anxious. Of course I look for common triggers - because understanding these is a huge advantage - but if there is no obvious reason, it's OK. It always passes, it's just the way you are, he would remind me. I know you're going to be OK, the important thing for you is to not bottle it up. Well, in this household, guess what? I am much happier, at peace, supported and well.

Because I am accepted. Fully accepted. For who I am and how I feel. I don't have to have a reason. I think this is just so key. I know sometimes you scare yourself at these strong storms that come. What if that's just who you are, right now? Maybe someday you won't have these episodes of intense emotion, maybe you will have them for the rest of your life. Either way, much easier to accept yourself. Some things we are not supposed to be able to control - our emotions are one of those things. We don't choose them, they just are.

Hope this makes some sense.

f x

Thank you f ☺ xx

Dear diary,

Oh my!..Can't believe I'm writing this but here we go.
Am in the new place. Surrounded by peaceful Sherwood forest, calm and not polluted (yet) little town. My own four walls and freedom. It's a miracle! A miracle i had a lil hope to keep believing.
It took some time, some determination, tears, anger, dissapointment and sadness. ...but it all was worth it!

I was thinking last night how lonely i actually am. Am i not gonna turn to my old ways of self soothness (made up word :-0) & isolation?.
My chapter hasn't stopped here. I have a lot to accomplish going forward. Found my local AA meetings and already made some friends ☺... Gotta keep pushing alongside this pure new clean slate!
There are few bookies in this town and believe me or not, i nearly walked in to one yesterday after my journey to Post office. In that moment of time i was only curious what FOBTS are! Mental i know! I was like a kid at the sweet shop peering through window! I shall stop here lol cause i see myself this was pure insanity! I was suggested to self exclude from these places and shall do my rounds in coming days. I never really went into bookmakers but addiction is progressive and you cannot never say never!!!

No urges. Even if a little scared to be on my own (esp at nights) i wake up with spring in my step! Having walks to get my bearings around here & already like what i see! Gonna find a route to get my trainers in use for the weekend...already seen some good paths to jog on ☺

Witnessed a horrible RTC yesterday on a way home. Brought memories of the accident back :-(...why people has to rush? Why they don't take responsibility for their own actions and put others lives at risk? ...grrrrrrrrrr....

I guess my rant is over. Calm waters recently and may long it continue!
Anything is possible if you put your heart and soul to it.

Stay safe all...just for today!

S x

Hello Lithuania Robin Hood, now your in the safety of sherwood forest you can picture the gambling/ drink as the big bad sheriff and give him a good kicking!

Good on you Sandra, you've come a long way! Be proud as you head in the right direction.

Winners pick winners and as I've said before it's no coincidence that you've pall-ied up ( made up word ) with some top people on this forum.

You'll no doubt bump into little John soon, no need to fall in the trent as he's also a good un

Hey V,..thanks ☺

Diary! w*f is going on with me. Gone from happy to angry to raging and back to self pitty lol. I guess i am tired so shouldn't discount the way i feel today. Been busy week with minimum sleep.

Feeling angry for being an addict!! Kind of "f**k you all" attitude once again :-/..well..i AM an addict and i need to clock the triggers i have before i take wrong choice.

Went for a run...but that didn't help much.
Lonely..that's how i feel i guess. Even considered cinema tonight...by myself haha..never thought i will do that but i guess there is always first for everything!
Also..there is a gym/swimming pool/ classes close by so i guess another member for their facilities is in line ☺.

Loneliness is a killer and i overseen this as it looks like.

Never mind. Friends comes and goes and now i have an opportunity to make some more. Work in progress

Diary..you might suffer today but ugly has to come out & it's just me & you here huh....& the rest of the globe lol...will try to keep it calm & simple.

Later

Hi Sis,

Just a flyer. And your comment to your diary raised a smile on this old mug. Yes, me, myself and I and ....the rest of the globe. 😀 keep writing if it helps girl. Good bad ugly. Hell its all good! ((((((S))))))

Hi Sandra

I get lonely too. I can be lonely in a room full of people, nevermind if I am actually on my own. I have been thinking alot recently on how much this loneliness has been created by me. How I have let current friendships drift off and die and how I have not made any real effort to reach out and make new friends. It can be a lonely world I create for myself and I can easily sink into self-pity about how no one likes me. I am not saying this is the case with you, just thought I would share that.

What helped me is joining groups. I used to laugh whenever this was suggested as a way of meeting new people and friends but essentially isnt that what we do in GA/AA rooms? I also joined an amateur dramatics group and a ukulele group, both have been good for my recovery. Joining the gym/swimming pool classes sounds a great idea. Go for it. Maybe also reach out and ask a AA member to meet up for coffee/food/cinema.

I think ultimately life is best shared and witnessed with other people but I do really feel there is time and space for solitude in life. There is a difference to being on your own and being lonely. I go to cinema and do other things on my own alot and I can enjoy them. Pick a film you really want to see, if one isnt showing then hold off and wait. Buy the large fizzy drink and popcorn and go escape into a film for two hours. I have always thought the cinema isn't that great a place for a social meet up anyway, you cant talk or shouldnt talk in a movie. Those people annoy the hell out of me 🙂

Thank you Rob..i reposted ☺

Dear diary,

Feeling the need to rant today. Just an hour ago i was peacefully passing out on the sofa, & now I'm wide awake again!..bahhh...bloody body clock huh.

I was thinking about change. Yes, we change a little because the surroundings & people we associate with changes accordingly..
However, there is the "core" you, you will carry everywhere you go.
Maybe i am one of them people who just never feels happy or completed...where the sky is not enough! Do i make sense here?
ODAAT told me last week that i will always find something to worry about! Bahhhh..that's right because that's who i am! I need to accept myself for that...

I have my own place and peace...that's not enough...i have health - that's not enough as i want to be athlete...i excel at work recently & that's not enough because i want to keep climbing higher...i want a puppy...& thinking now that it will not be enough when i get it...next i will want a husband and 10 (& counting) kids lol...
That's my thinking...or as i was told warped conception of things...maybe i look at things differently, maybe i have no limit and my craziness drives me & others around me mental.

Maybe I'm just a person who doesn't know what she wants from life & needs more and more and more of everything...

I am proud of this brainstorm because believe me or not, a flicker of clarity is here.

I am not perfect and never will be. C'mon Sandra get it in ur crazy head!

Phew..rant over! Still lonely & up and down but hey....still smiling...am progressing with my life and the only way is forwards...tiny steps - tipu tapu.

Me, myself & I.......& the rest of the world to boot 😉

Day safely navigated..i shall take it!

Goodnight diary

Ohhhh..shoot...just now realised that all this is addictive traits i carry :-/..i am an addict for every aspect in my life i suppose...live and learn ☺

S x

Shamefully i cannot fully remember the date you left us dear girl...i know it was around this time 14yrs ago..miss you & hope you're smiling every day.

RIP Inga - never forgotten ☺ xx

https://youtu.be/RgKAFK5djSk

Hi hs thank you for your post to me means a lot, hope ur ok. I've got some catching up to do Lulu X