...

Aha!!! I think i know!

I cried a lot on the meeting as memories of the childhood been brought back up!

Anger....yes, that's what it is!

Besides - HALT is in full swing!

I should go & cook something, take deep breaths to steady myself, speak to cats so I'm not as lonely, have an early night as have to be outta door early tom.

Sorted!

Crikey ...Sounds like your life is going at 100mph lol...I was getting short of breath reading it 🙂

I read your diary regularly but never really know what to say ....I'm not stalking you ...Honest!

You posted to me in my first few days here and your kind words meant a lot... I'm 6 weeks GF today and it's you and others like you that have helped me get this far.... still very early days but I'm feeling so much better than I did then...Thank you.

Mari x

Thank you Mari ☺..well done on your continued journey!

Dear diary,

Well better day today! I did what i have set out to do and already in the pit waiting for the morning sun! Lol..dunno what's up with me recently but do believe that rooms are a lot to do with my emotional state.

I was told i will be loved & cared for until i learn to love myself. These were just words to start with. But strangely it has different meaning now. Maybe i learned to listen and I'm not saying it lightly..i don't think i ever listened properly! The advice, help, words...it all had different meaning than they have now!

I may sound crazy but i shall take this crazy because it makes me feel better. It is nice to feel calm, communicate, don't expect anything and give as much as i can...it's amazing to be able to share the honesty!
We are meeting people in this world for one reason or another..but there is always a reason. We all carry masks with us, we like it or not that's just human nature...but you know, doesn't matter if we do, because deep down, a word, smile or kind action is actually making difference for the heart inside. There are no masks there.

I'm off on one lol..seriously, i read my lil booklet again and for some reason i see sentences i haven't seen before :-/ ..spooky that is! Maybe i was blind to the message coming accross?

I didn't make to the room today, i however kept busy and helped out at vollunteering...no..actually i didn't help out - people there helped me out! Priceless & i am very thankful for an opportunity to be part of something amazing like such organisation ☺

Dunno what to say actually...i just wanted to record that things do get better. Gloomy days are here because it's life, however - how we react to those days is a key.
I let stress take over yesterday but i actually believed that it will pass....& it did ☺

That's about it from me tonight.

Goodnight good people, goodnight diary.

I haven't gambled or drank today. Tomorrow is another day to help me understand myself better.

Actions - not words

S x

"Good follows good and the more we notice it the more it shows up"

Love and peace

CathyX

Strange, pretty sure I didn't say it to you but everytime I read that orange book I see new words & sentences too :-0

So proud to see you accepting you're better with support & really fighting for your future. One day I hope you believe me when I say that just because you're a little bit Coo Coo, doesn't mean you're worthless...You matter - ODAAT

Random alert.

My pal was telling me a while back, that he was travelling on a bus with his 2 year old lad, when all of a sudden, his lad went from smiling and happy to a crying grumpy pain. This all coincided with someone getting on the bus and getting within there personal space who turned out to be a not so nice person. It, was like his little lad had picked up there bad vibe. If I didn't like the word spiritual so much, I would say she had a bad aura...

I think we retain that skill as humans as we get older but don't realise. So, in a fashion, I think this is what your getting from being around people in your meetings or voluntary. BE around people, that you portray to be. And kept the vibes in rhythm

Couldn't agree more with Volcano. This happened to me at work last week. I was fine when I went in, within 20 minutes, I was agitated and wanted to scream!!! not a comfortable feeling to have in a library!

I have learned this tool which sometimes helps me. It's quick, free and easy - I simply ask myself "does this feeling belong to me?" Sometimes, just stopping and asking oneself that, can stop it in it's tracks and you realise it isn't even your emotion. Another way to tell, if you don't instantly get the knowing of the answer, is to say to self 'iwho does this feeling belong to?' if it feels lighter when you ask this, it is not yours.

Can be very useful, worth a try x x

Morning Sis,

I need to get better at reposting. I'm always worried about sticking my foot in my mouth. Not so much with you dear sis. You know my heart. Anyway, just wanted to drop by to say thank you. Peeling the layers is never fun. Keep doing what you are doing girl. Always listening. Unconditional! -joanxxx

Hello diary,

I would like to ask everyone who reads not to shed a tear, don't feel sorry or sympathetic for me. That's not what I'm aiming for by using this diary as let out. Deep down i want a hug & be told everything will be ok but i almost forgot those emotions so not gonna dig these feelings up...there is nobody who could make me feel better but myself & that shall stay that way.

So...just a minute ago i had a brainstorm with so many points to address. Now i can hardly spit a word out.

Ummm...i attended the meeting on Saturday. Didn't intend to talk once again, just listen and relate...however my tears got into sobs and the bubbling need to voice myself was unmanageable. And o*g didn't i talk!!!!....& talk & talk. I still wondering why all the emotions started to surface around 4 years ago. When i joined this forum :-/...sometimes i feel it's better for me and others around me when i am a active addict..this way i don't bother people around me or myself. But no...i picked the scab of my wound and never stopped picking..painful but necessary i guess.
Anyway, back to my share. I discovered so many more "dark secrets" on Saturday it has taken me aback. I am questioning myself why i remember all this now? How deep was i hiding these feelings? How much it all actually affected me. How many of those is my fault or result of neglection. I don't want to send anyone down guilt trip..absolutely not! Esp my loved ones....but what young lil girl can understand about outside world?
I was also thinking that it was down to me to walk the streets so i don't upset Mummy with my presence. The more streets you walk the more situations you come accross rite. I also thought about the school. For some reason it hardly downed on me how i must of looked or came across there. Again....why i didn't ask parents for more materialistic stuff? Why i was different to sister? & why on earth i was treated differently? How f****d up understanding must i had that for not "demanding" equality?
German lesson. Good teacher..i was asked to stay behind one day. I was so happy for a minute & skipping back home with a bag full of "goodies"...next lesson i was praised for my lovely looking top...
Now I'm thinking what my parents had thought that time? Why it didn't click that outside world is seeing something they put blind eye to & most importantly...i did too..i didn't understand then..why i didn't understand?

Ummmm. Not sure what's going on with this head.
Back to the share on Saturday. I expressed my frustration and sadness for not being able to reach out to....to someone higher and more powerful than me! I was upset with myself because all i wanted all last week is get on my knees and pray...& i couldn't! I simply couldn't..
I don't even remember what the response to this was. I truly can't.

However today i went on my knees...not knowing what to do & how to reach out to that "something/ someone"..clasp my hands together, close my eyes...pray...ask for help and guidance...im not sure if i gave up before time but i got bk up on my feet quite quickly and walked out of the room...maybe small steps are needed here too...maybe....the foundation been put, massive hurdle got over.

I'm ranting. Reality is i am sick. Mentally sick and no matter how much my parents tells me not to stress and worry because it all will end up with me being put in hospital i can't help and wonder if i am already at that stage.

Can't help but think it all detariated when i picked that first scab...got rid of my comfort blankets...i never truly let anything go...i chose & keep choosing suffering.

Only few days ago i understood something dear Rachel mentioned ages ago.. "are you in enough pain yet?"...yes, this somehow sheds completely different light on now. Thanks to the rooms i understand this now.

I guess enough for today. My uplifting vision of new start has crashed in front of my eyes once again..just when i was reaching it with fingertips.

Someone said it meant to be and happens for a reason...all i think - i don't deserve good things in life....

Mmmhhhaaaawwwwww....& now let's get violins out for poor Sandra lol.

All is good, all will be ok because if i stop telling this to myself, my fight is over & I'm not ready to give up yet.

Just for today - i am not gonna hide behind addictions..
Just for today - i will keep a glimpse of hope for becoming a better person.
Just for today - i will smile through tears because one day i will be smiling from the heart...i believe in this and i shall keep reaching for that ☺

S x

Just for today I will try to live through this day only and not tackle my whole life problems at once.

Thank you Martin.

Diary!

o*g..what a start of the day & let me tell you about how my anxiety works...

So i went out of the way to get a day off work today....had few hours shut eye as had to be up early for a training in other town (vollunteering). Got up decent time but left 5mins late than should of & didn't realise how bad traffic is in my town!

So i am on my way making the hugest mistake for having a f*g in a car (promised myself not to smoke in this car) because i am already feeling S***e cause know I'm running late!

& yes, i am late...all 13 minutes..bearing in mind the car park was overcrowded and i had to go round twice for a space on a bloody kerb somewhere deep in the woods! (Grrrrrrrr )...
First anxiety flag waving as to what I'm gonna say to the trainer for the lateness...&...o*g...all eyes gonna be on me! Cannot let it happen as i will loose my voice and go bright red & i absolutely hate even one stare my way...esp for a "wrong reason" as not being punctual...
However i decided to bite the bullet but of course i almost forgot where i should go & happened to walk round the building...trying to open door but they're locked..i see people inside..& a trainer.....& i noticed that me in gym gear is not exactly what was expected comparing to others ...lol....(through tears)..that topped me off and here i turned on my heel back to the car!!!!

Simple like that. I'm so overreactive it's unreal. For others it's not big deal - for me it's the end of the world!
I think it's karma...i am being a b****h recently to people i love & care about and i am really really struggling to control my calm...i can't even ring parents!...just can't talk..my voice gone & the mask i wear keeps slipping..

So...now i want to give up vollunteering all together..i very nearly did send email out about it...but last second i remembered i need to breathe...i can book another training & not all is lost...i overreacted...

Absolute nonsense & ya know diary what i want the most now - gamble! Yes..just go to "S Vegas" and get spinning...doesn't matter if another panic attack for being in the public will follow!

I have money...oh yeah, all the deposit cash is in my acc....my life savings....

Oh God...i think I'm loosing my mind. Truly am..everything just seems to go downhill recently...worst (or best thing in this case) ..i know i need to keep pushing because i cannot even harm myself or top myself off. (Thanks to pills & possibly shock of the car crash which still lingers around, i don't feel suicidal)..& that in my eyes is the biggest punishment ever - to keep working life out because there is no other way to go.

I need to remember to breathe.

Maybe just stop at Mc D's for coffee...breathe...think again, don't rush to silly decisions....don't gamble...don't get that bottle...

....reach out...just for today.

🙁

Here, here. Just for today.

Darling S x x Why did you gamble? or drink? Think on your own phrase: it deteriorated when I got rid of my comfort blankets. How on earth can gambling yourself into distress and debt be a COMFORT BLANKET??!! Well, it distracted you from this pain, didn't it? Escapism. We become addicted to anything that lets us forget our pain, our problems, our inner demons. What sweet relief it is to become so absorbed in something else that all the other stuff goes away for a while. I believe for you, as long as you remember this context, being in more pain is progress. You are feeling. When we have run away from our feelings for many years this is very intense. We have a backlog in our "in" tray. In fact, it overflows. It always catches up with us, though. We can't run forever. Better to face a few years of bottled emotions now, than 20 years of them in the future.

Sometimes you gotta get worse before you get better. This is why some people initially get worse in therapy. There is nowhere to run in that therapists room. All our feelings come up to the surface and it stings like hell. Then it peaks and starts to go down.

I know you have the strength and bravery to face everything inside of you. It's OK to be scared and want to run away again, it's OK if we temporarily lose our bottle and actually run away again, as long as we come back to it.

You got this, S. As long as you take it one day at a time. I believe in you

f x

Thanks you Freda xx

You're indeed right. I honestly am still on the hell of roller coaster and worst thing is i am giving others a "ride" too.

I just don't know why and whats going on with me. Feel like two years ago...esp for treating others as i do.

I am concerned about myself and just maybe i am going through rough time still.. (god how much longer i will manage) and i hope that is just that....but if it's to do with my mental state where nothing else can help, i think i should be worried! Or just maybe i need to have someone close....for both physical and emotional purpose (if getting my drift).

I am on HP, i don't drink, attend meetings, don't gamble, am going through changes....so w*f is wrong with me? Why i feel like I'm completely lost & why i feel the need to lash out?!..today proved being right hell for me 🙁

Last time i sobbed for being such useless person was over two years ago....when i been dumped by my then best mate...felt like history repeating itself just other way round with me being a b****h and hurting other soul... and not sure how i am still managing to breathe!..it was bad few hours but here we go, i am liable of creating carnage I'm afraid...just want to stop this! I don't know what else can help me? Counselling? Psychiatrist?

Or maybe just need holiday..it has been tense last 5 months...it's back in my mind that i actually didn't relax properly at all..not even a beach i so like...maybe now is the time ☺..even for few hours!

Ummmm..so money gone! Every single penny :-/..my 12years hard graft lol.....
..good news - not slot machine but my solicitor's account ☺...it feels like weight has lifted off these shoulders!!!..phew...no money - no urges!

A little worried about Mummy. Spoke to Dad and he said not to phone her :-/..Can't help but think that it's to do with me & i made her more poorly recently :'(...apparently the "rumour" has been created by my sister that they shouldn't question anything about the purchase when i ring (since bad news came)...w*f??? Why would they act like that! I told them i accept it & truly didn't want to worry them! By the sounds of it i did....& now I'm not allowed to ring Mummy....man...surely it's not only me loosing the marbles here!
Why Ilona would do that!!! Why would she tell them not to ask me q's.....breathe....God! I am worried about her..is she ok or has she gone worse! Feels like something is being hidden from me & only cause i shared good news not knowing that bad news will hit & not knowing that good (partly) news will hit again!

Telling ya diary.....i took all the nation on this roller coaster with me!

Enough for now...sea is calling and hopefully meeting later on. Much to work on - amends one of them things.

Sorry the ones i hurt by being me.

S x

Hi S,

it sounds like things are quite challenging for you at the moment. Just wanted to say, the Helpline and Netline is there for you, so when you need to talk, please feel free to call us.

All the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Thank you so much dear Eva! Remember chatting to you around 2 years ago ☺..i am not really sure i should take your time up when i feel c rap. There are other services around for emotional support & i understand that many of my ramblings are not gambling related so two minds over here.

Thanks for your support anyway, hope you & the GC team are keeping well!

Best wishes

S x