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Hey Lulu...thanks ☺

Dear diary!

What a day huh! A lil storm in UK & i had to do some serious travelling too... (i think i mentioned my "luck" before lol)
Soooo...decided to be a good driver (or just maybe stop frustrating the 100's cars tailgate i had behind me...but...Safety first! Huh) & stopped at the lay by to have a quick breather...what i didn't realise is that the lay by had a lil tunnel surrounded by trees ...heh...guess what Coo Coo been doing for the next 10 mins..clearing the path from fallen branches of course so it will b possible to get out! HD and at least one good deed done for me & others ☺.

Lil boy's bday today! Wow wow wow...12 yrs old huh...i will soon be joining him at disco at this rate 😉

Not much else to report. Life is busy even if i don't do a lot lol..working some serious hours recently but hay ho - every lil counts! Besides when i get a "Spirit/Sky or Charlie" i won't b able to do long hours any more...& I'm definitely not the one to complain here 😉

That's me. All quiet on the addictions front but need to get to the meeting as missed last week. I know what's bound to happen (knowing my brain) if i won't pick up my medicine.

Take care all & stay safe....tipu tapu ☺

S x

Good morning diary!

Saturday already. Not if it matters as i,will be back to work later. Was thinking why i started doing so many hours & it actually dawned on me (thanks Rach for igniting this lighbulb in this skull) that i feel so lonely i prefer company of work colleagues! Seriously! Lol..it's crazy for sure and kind of win win for me but it's not what i was aiming for with this change...I also invited near enough everyone round haha...yup..not sure where everyone would sit, esp with our Dan crashed on a two seater sofa (the only sitting area round here lol) with his glow sticks (whoop whoop!!!) in hand. Heh...here is new me huh lol

Work went well...i am doing good over there now..new home gave me some jet power to keep pushing & ignoring the downs of the place..it's job at the end of the day. (Here she says sitting here & about to fill in application form for other place lol)

House is nice. Spacious. Too spacious. I sleep quite well also (apart from last night) & seem to get up very early every day. Maybe excitement is still here ☺.
Had about 30 phone calls yesterday..yup..unbelievable but sorted a lot of things out! Also spoke about 5 different languages too lol...all good fun for sure!..just couldn't find place for myself...was really jittery (another word I'm not sure of so apologies if it's rude or swear word)
I am calmer today and the main crazy seemed to pass. Still don't know what happened yesterday and why the sick feeling didn't leave me till late at night.

In all thruth dear diary, i came to talk to you now because i keep eyeing the red wine i have got for Xmas... (well..got it few weeks ago from work as i was off during Xmas time due to the........yup...). Why i didn't chuck it away i don't know...why it took pride place in the kitchen - i don't know...i guess i am refusing to let go. Simples. I am an addict still in denial.

I guess that's me. Life goes on! A lot to look forward to and gonna keep looking ahead ☺

No addictions today (maybeeee...bahhh....). Will get bk to you soon dear diary.

S x

Evening diary,

Break time - chitty chatty time ☺

So today was S***e...lol..seriously! What is wrong with me and my days off (well..half day off in today's case). I think depression is creeping back in as apart from buckets of tears for no reason, i also refused to face the world completely! Neved did i stay hiding under duvet for that long..well,there is always first for everything huh...loneliness was immense today & one of them times where company was really needed.

Didn't touch the bottle last night but that doesn't mean I'm not gonna stare at it in a few hours time...bonkers i know!..just pour it down the sink Sandra...just do it!!!

Builder let me down again. Two days in a row not showing his face and i had enough! Bloody incompetent t****!

Anyway, that's me for now i think. I truly know what needs doing to drag myself out of this funk but it's not as easy to put myself in action as it sounds. I can just hope for a better tommorow!
No gambling to report, no drink to report...just for today....tipu tapu

S x

Hey !

Been a stranger - but back on the site today so just dropping in to say a quick hi ! I've joined the 2017 challenge today and just dropping in to your diary to say well done on 250 days ! Great achievement and best wishes on your continued journey x

Thanks Claire, good to see you back, will pop by shortly ☺

Dear diary,

Monday morning in Sandra's crib lol. Woke up @ 8am and am already bored. Still, no time for self pitty, trainers going on soon as do need to visit Sherwood pines ☺

Tried to keep busy yesterday. Managed to navigate the day safely. Went to the meeting and glad i did. We spoke about spirituality and even if have no clue of what it is and how it feels - i want it! Lol..yes, i do want to feel at peace with myself and the world around me. It's clear that it is possible so why not to work towards it
I also touched the subject of my social eating anxiety. There are certain situations (esp with new people) where i cannot make myself eat at all. Probably looking more awkward than ever sitting at the table and sipping a drink while others are chomping away! ...i had issues when was little. I cannot fully remember but as far as i can - i struggled to chew my food. I just held it in my mouth and probably just found comfort in it...like a dummy i should say! Crazy i know but i used to have nudges to the sides to eat my food. My sister had to stay with me at the table long after the other kids finished at nursery and "guide" me through my plate :-(..I'm not saying this happens now lol..seriously, i wouldn't sit as a hamster with cheeks full at the table saving my food for hard times! Lol..d**n...besides nobody is watching you as you're not a Queen in the centre of attention...& even if crumb won't reach the gob or sause will stick to the face, decent people you're with, will tell you to sort yourself out! Or...even better, nobody will notice as everyone is so busy enjoying their meals!
This was a new revalation yesterday. To talk about it and have a think about it.
I do link my behaviours in a strange way.

I have a lot of work to do on myself. Now i have started this new chapter, i need to keep climbing towards that sun. The world still turns around, i am learning lessons daily.

I just want to be a better person for myself and others around me. I want to get rid of anger, jealousy and self pitty. I want to feel something i know i can but don't know how. I know i will...but only if i allow my life to keep evolving to the right direction.

Addictions are harmful. They will only set me back... & i do need to keep moving forwards.

Just for today.

S x

Diary,

Back again. Unsettled today. Didn't go for a run..it's raining & miserable and cold. & now i am beating myself up over it and crying my eyes out! Lol..what I'm like huh.

I was thinking today..(danger i guess). I am debt free, i got myself a mortgage and i have a car, health (so so) & job and family. What else can i ask for? Why it's not enough? Why i feel like i feel and why on earth this is not passing? Is puppy gonna solve it? Good holiday away?...i doubt it because the only person who needs to change is me!

Maybe i need love and care. The thing is, i have people around me who is willing to try. Well..two of them are willing to get me in bed (one engaged & another one married) and another one is still waiting patiently to meet up after i gave him a month's silence treatment. I am not sure what I'm scared off...a change, a different mindset? Not sure...
I haven't been with male company for so long i almost forgot how it feels. My last physical connection was with a woman. Lol..chew on that World!
Confused state i tried hard to get myself out off. I kind of succeeded but that doesn't mean that everything is clear as glass.
I guess brutality and pain never left me and i classed everyone the same. Here to hurt me.
This is not the case and many men can be gentle and caring i believe...it's just the concept of expectations what puts the biggest block here for me.

This post is not getting me anywhere. I am looking for the answers somewhere i cannot find.

I guess work in progress. I need to give a changmce for others as much as myself to be able to move forwards.

S x

Hello...

Just been reading your last 2 posts... much I could comment on. Much of it made me smile. Much of it I could relate to.

Some thoughts in no particular order.....

I chomp through my food. I eat quickly and ravenously but not noisilly. I keep my gob shut when in company... cos I know how annoying other peoples eating can be.

Forgive yourself for not going for a run, the weather was particularly rubbish yesterday. I find its not so much the cold, but the cold WITH the wind and rain. I would not have run yesterday, even if I had the time... maybe today.

I do not have a car or a mortgage or a girlfriend but I do have debts (lucky me!).... the point being that there are always people worse off than yourself.... I know know people of my age, who are bed bound through disability... its all relative. I have my health, I have my family, I have options.

They say to feel the feelings and set them free.

I believe we all spiritual beings and when we die we detach from our bodies and life continues in a different form...

Life goes on... S.A 🙂

Just a fly by... quietly cheering you on on your road to recovery/self discovery.

Have a great day Sandra:)

Cathyx

Wishing you well and hope you're feeling positive. You're doing great in fighting this addiction and are inspiration to others. Keep on fighting this and thanks for dropping by my diary x

Thank you guys and gals ☺

Diary!

Ya know when you have bad dream & wake up sweating and thanking your stars for it being only a dream! Man...i had that one last night....drink and everything :-/

The thing is - it wasn't a dream but for the first time in my life i wish it was.

Back to the drawing board me thinks...but saying that, it was my choice and dare i say - i liked it!...no matter that bones hurts now from god knows what lol & have mahhooossiivveee hangover...i have no clue what i did in early hours...but me is no alcoholic ha.

All's cool.

I may behave today ;-)..we will see.

Ps..hahha...it took me around 10 times to pass the "I'm no robot" test! w*f! i cannot even see properly..ohhh dear

Hi S x x

Been catching up with you since my own world went a bit nuts and busy and stressy.

I read on one of your entries that you are crying for no reason. No reason?!!! Far too harsh on yourself. You are still in a relatively new job, working recovery, have moved house, live alone and also bought house which can feel daunting and big commitment/pressure. If you cried every day for a month, I'd still say it was normal.

You are doing amazingly. Wish you saw what I see 🙂 I understand about living alone and feeling a bit vulnerable, I'm in that position, too. Maybe just introduce yourself to your neighbours next time you see them. Often just being on first name terms and saying hello can do a lot for those isolated feelings. I also experienced rage a few days after moving. It's the stress coming out. Normal! Sadly I directed mine at new neighbours with an angry note. That is a real shame but I forgive myself for being imperfect and struggling with emotions.

Take care,

f x

Thanks Freda!

Yes, loneliness hit me hard & still lingering around but I'm working on it ☺. Neighbours huh..yup, I've seen one already..actually i see them nearly 5 times a day (that's not to say I'm glued to the window lol)...i reckon something crafty going on there..deals or something ya know, never seen so many movements to and from car going for a ride!

Next door neighbours are quiet. Two kids & family life on the go..this is fine as long as i keep my peace intact!

I may go to say hi..maybe in my local lol..nahh, rather not go fown that path!

Anyway, thank you Hun and i will get bk to you later on..head is a lil all over the place but i figured if i don't do sudden movements, i may survive the day 😉

Life is good! Truly feel spring over here lol...
& i remembered i got engaged yesterday 😀 lol lol lol..who says miracles doesn't happen!

No gambling at least...tipu tapu just for today!

S x

Hi HS.

My lil one (all 6'3" of him:) ) is just coming through a relapse after being 1 year (and 2 days) gamble free. It crushes me to my core to see one of my kids in pain. I have been in Gam Anon for 3 years but you never quite get used to the feeling of utter sadness and sheer anger of dealing with this addiction. That said I am 1000% better at compartmentalizing it and continuing to live my best life.

Be good to yourself ... alcohol/gambling is not the answer and I know you know that no matter how funny you make the story.

Love to you

Cathyx

Hi Sandra, Im back again after lengthy absence been doing a bit more researching into the bottle! Amazing im over 270 days gamble free, cant seem to string 5 days together without taking a sup of vodka, my latest alcoholic friend. Sound s like were both going thru a tough spell im sorry to hear, im really pretty sick mentally and physically right now but want / need to get better. Thanks for checking up on me, i really do appreciate it, i've had my head stuck in the sand for far too long now, I need to face reality

We addicts are of a sensitive sort , if 99 people told us we were doing really well and 1 told us we are were doing c**P we'd just obssess about that 1 person! I take a good game but i've got to act. I really hope things will pick up for both of us, just for today , a day at a time.

Take Care

Gav,

Hi diary,

Friday and oh dear don't i feel great today!
Some little good and kind things has added up recently into the huge miracle and i have smile on my face!
I made amends with Sesuo (again lol....you're a keeper Hun!), i went out for a good run yesterday...i think sun is still radiating through my skin, i "talk" to our lovely Gav and i believe we are helping each other! I made some apearance changes and man....am i not happy not to be 100% blonde anymore lol...a bit on the ginger side but i love love love my hair and i treated it with so much care this morning...washing it, drying it, straightening it and even leaving it down which i rarely do!
Also....i was approached by one person today. Online...this means a lot to me...why? Because he was one of the school bullies i suffered from. How much do we change! I cannot believe it. He is grown up now, sensible and we even planning a meeting which is unbelievable for sure! I completely forgive him, we were young and silly & i wasn't exactly " nice and insider" soul back then.

I appreciate my sponsor. She is amazing! Not sure if it's how it works but she is keeping close surveillance on me & gets in contact daily. I am happy she cares and even if we made some rules in case my thinking, or rather attachment shifts to dangerous levels, we will sort something out.

What else...hmmm..not much actually. I am appreciating the moment. Looking forward to start the 12 steps program and of course, even if I'm anxious or scared, i am willing to give my all to get better. There is hope....recovery is possible!

Take care all,...just for today - keep making the right choice ☺

Hugs all around

S x