...

Love your open down to earth posts Sandra. Auburn is nice! So pleased you have addiction under control and good luck with the programme.

Thanks Mark,

Diary,

S***e day again. Getting tired of those and the rollercoaster ride i seem to still have.
I need to aknowledge a little positives here as i started to look after myself a little more and get myself out of the house.

It's that loneliness and million questions going through my head about what I'm doing wrong in life. Sat at the meeting an hour ago thinking w*f am i doing here. I'm 31, shouldn't i be out and about enjoying life?,...doing whatever except sitting here and listening to the real life facts. That's what they are. Life facts.
Some uplifting and some depressing.

I didn't choose to be an alcoholic or compulsive gambler, drugs user and so on...i truly didn't think i gonna get hooked up.

I just wanted to feel better with myself...the aftermath? I feel worse.

I made poor choices in life and still continuing to do so to this day...but i can learn from my mistakes and push through these feelings..

I have life ahead of me. Lovely home and ......and....lol..that's what i see around me at the minute. A little empty space...but is it by my own choice and the decisions i have made so far?

I am thinking too much. I know what needs doing. I cannot run from myself, addictions will only hurt. Keep on pushing Sandra, never ever give up on yourself.

You're worth more than this!!!!

Tears wiped away....accepting things i cannot change and willing to change the things i can.
The pain will pass...it always does.

Just for today.

S x

Hi diary,

Phew...what a day. Glad to see the back of it.
Eyes cried out (once again) & sometimes i think if i am better being P****d & invincible so at least i don't feel pain.
I learned something today. My anger is my fear. I knew this all along but when my sponsor brought it up today, it sounded in different tune. Maybe i finally listened?

Difficult emotions today. Lots of self pity and little piece of old arrogance rearing it's head...with it comes anger towards myself..it's like mix of emotions.

I settled down and read my orange book. It speaks truth about every behaviour i seem to have. Some answers there so i can understand myself better...
...still, in the cold light of the day, I'm still same ME. person i don't really want to be but am if it makes sense.
Still resentful, self pittying, unsettle, fearful, anxious and lost.

I know it will take time. Recovery is not as easy as picking up a drink or putting coin in a machine. It takes a lot longer to get better and learn new behaviours. A lot more self awareness and pain.
Ummmm..maybe thats what I'm scared of. Looking at myself again. ..but i must do this properly. No half measures this time. Go all the way no matter how painful it can be and hopefully start coming out the other side...

I hate to feel this unsettled. Trying to think of the cause today but cannot find it. Best just accept it as one of them days...they do happen & i will not run away from them.

However, i can learn to deal with them in another manner. A lot healthier and more clear approach to deal with stuff in my head.

GOD..really need to swith off for now. This won't do me any good and i need my sleep to face tommorow in brave heart.

Sometimes you just feel more lonely than you actually are...& since then i want company? :-/
Must b age lol lol.

Goodnight diary

Good morning diary,

Glorious sunny morning in Sherwood county. Cup of Joe and am off to appreciate the warmth of the sun on my skin ☺

Feeling better...feeling calmer.
Had an amazing day yesterday even if only aknowledged it late at night before hitting the sack. That was enough. I was smiling ☺..lol...i was smiling and surprised the room big deal. I want this emotion to stay. Just for now is enough. I don't need to expect my feelings for tommorow, i will deal with them when day comes.

Had a good chat with sponsor yesterday. We went for a walk..in a graveyard! Seriously...so peaceful and quiet. Found it very soul searching. It's good emotion for once. We talked, i cried, we shared...we understood each other...we smiled and lauged. I could be open and honest i let pain go..it was good emotion.

It's good not to feel on your own. However it takes some pushing for me to get out of my comfort zone. I believe it's possible. After all i did it yesterday ☺

Little steps forward - have an amazing day everyone! Enjoy, smile, look after yourselves. You matter

S x

Diary!

Back again. But at least i am downloading here instead of letting stuff wrill (made up word) around in my head.

I am sensitive person. Always have been. I have learned such behaviour from an early age. I always thought everything is my fault. I didn't help my sensitivity by grabbing for every addiction possible. It made me even more jittery and scared of things & overally self centred.

In my mind i see things 10 times worse/ better than others. I need to learn to live with it and direct such responses in more balanced out manner. I overthink. As i talked about it yesterday, it made me think even more lol..i don't want to think or analyse stuff!
I am always analising how human mind works. I'm not daft lol...yay!!!! First compliment for myself lol...i am smart ladyyyyy 😉 (progress not perfection of course)..it's ok to think and try to understand as long as it's in healthy manner.
I had a lil argument with my mentor (sponsor) yesterday...aha...already lol. I was expressing my thoughts on Higher Power. Still something i find hard to understand. I said that it all starts with the mind so surely we hold the power of our actions. How can i say I'm powerless over something if it all starts within me?
The response made me realise that it's not exactly how i should see the reality. Yes, our mind is powerful but it also can give us direction to see something "out of the box". Maybe not making much sense over here but i know what my mentor meant. I can keep my belief about mind being it all but i also can apply it healthy to the understanding of something higher than that....similar to spiritual awakening!

Man..i think i was brainwashed lol..it's strange how it all works! But on the other hand - my brain needed washing! Nothing changes if nothing changes and i run out of options about how can i help myself! I surrendered ☺

There is life out here..cruel, unforgiving and scary place...but there is a life coming from us as individuals if only we choose to see it. The peace and acceptance. It may sound like double life, but....me as a CG, an alcoholic, a drug user can tell you this - i choose this peace! I truly choose this calmer peace of mind no matter how strange it might sound. I live in today! I kind of step out and see me from the outside. I notice the sequence of the events which can make me feel one way or the other. I can either stop them in the tracks (if they're negative) or carry on if i see a positive outcome!

Recovery is possible. Looking into ourselves is truly good step. It all starts with us at the end of the day. I'm not such a spiritual person to be honest. I have my flaws which comes out in many nasty forms. ..but im willing to work on myself. I am a good person and i have a lot to offer to this world...the world i found with the help of true beating hearts around me. Not in a bottle or slot machine...no...i found it in people around me...there are many things in life which are two persons job. Recovery is one of them...you cannot do it by yourself.

Reach out!

Ps. I am also aware of my yo yo moods..maybe it's just me? Maybe i am not gonna change but the main important bit is - i see that myself now! ....sequence of my thoughts huh.

I was once again suicidal this weekend. I must accept that my depression can still kick off time to time...but....since i made my sponsor laugh when asked how did i get out from such mindset & i said - " i can't do it as have mortgage to pay" ...i actually realised that i am LIVING. i have life and i can build on it with anything i want! I can have people in it and i can have addictions in it. It's my choice....i choose people! They do give me way more than machines or chemical substances in my body...they give me hope, opportunities, understanding, support and love.

Preaching over...JFT i shall look at the bright side of life...one of the qualities i just recently learned - "live and let live". Enjoy your day everyone and i shall do the same even if work is calling soon!

S x

Hi diary,

Soooo...latest news...its been officially confirmed that my job is on the firing line due to the inflation and just realised that i didn't watch news for a while...man...i don't even know if i will be allowed to live here soon :-0
Great timing to purchase a property huh lol

Errr..yeah..Nothing i can change here and have to accept the changes. At least i can focus on something what affects me for once lol. Keeps me outta trouble 😛

Had a good day. Studied my "bible" and got some more understanding about the addiction I'm dealing with.

I am on the right track..tipu tapu.

Goodnight diary..it's been a lng day...
& take care all! Have a wonderful and peaceful middle of the week ☺

JFT -S x

Diary!

How can you fit a day in 24hrs? Nearly impossible but ain't it rewarding to feel shattered at the end of the day knowing pit is there waiting for you to lay that head at last!

So testing my cooker..ha! There is always 1st for everything huh. I managed to find the correct k**b (hmmmm...this sounds like a swear word but i meant a thingy where you turn it to start the oven :-D). It's range cooker & first go seen me in the cloud of smoke so i moved to another part of it which seems to work ok now lol..i swear i will have that pizza at the end of my discovery journey! (Preferably tonight)

Had a good day..greatful for it! I can't believe i am feeling quite good recently..maybe cause i got into my skull that i need to keep stuff/ emotions in the day...seems to work...or maybe that sun working it's miracles!..or maybe rooms or maybe i am just tired of feeling sorry for myself..God knows but i shall take this mindset!

Lovely sunny day also. Went for a run had a good time outdoors...come bk to jump inda shower but realised there is no shower lol...so had a bath instead...waste of lovely day but couldn't walk with the "aroma" all day lol
Paid visit to GP, had good converse with sponsor, sorted few bits & bobs out on the phone to solicitors &...well...work was calling!
Got out early as got stuff to do early in the morning..

It's amazing to feel at peace..i am so so greatful for this!

Absolutely starving and that pizza smells lovely so shall sign out for today.

Peaceful sleeps to everyone...Enjoy what you have now...we just never know what tommorow brings!

No time wasted dear friends...Enjoy the freedom and peace of mind.

Love to all.

JFT - Sx

Diary!

(It is becoming daily occurrence of me posting again huh)

So feel knackered as had as much as half hour sleep last night. I don't like too early mornings because i don't trust on my alarm clock lol and i refuse to sleep in case i will b up late! :-/...(must b disturbed mind).

Fearful today as feel slipping back to the old mindset. Sponsor phoned, i couldn't pick up & then i had spare minute to ring bk..she didn't pick up. My messed up mind saying f**k it...f**k recovery and everything.
Where that came from? I was happily reading Bills story @ 5AM and felt quite blessed getting morning greetings from my Whatsapp group.
Now i feel S***e...maybe tired? :-/...i don't really want to go to the meeting tonight..i was told to push through and just go if i don't feel like it! I don't really want to travel half country (exhagarating...spelled wrong too) to pick my sponsor up, go half way the country to the meeting & then drop her back off! I am only being honest! I want to be left at peace today :-(....

..but what i know...my peace means bottle :-(...ffs ffs ffs Sandra snap outta this sh*it!

I kind of step out of myself to see me from the side...how much worse i make situation to be...

Not picking phone up:
A) couldn't
B) had enough of you, don't wanna listen to your self pitty day, not interested, you're too big of a problem.

I was also suggested very good advice of socialising more so i concentrate on more things than just one.
My mind works in two ways:
1) sound advice and very true
2)..person had enough of you, you are boring & nasty piece of work, it's a "hint" of getting lost and getting off their brain and stop using their time.

Loneliness:
1) what do you expect if you sit on ir a**e and do nothing about it?! Go out, socialise, smile, use opportunities to move forward.
2) it's not gonna help, i am a loner, i will be pushed away sooner or later when ppl finds my character traits, isolation is my salvation.

Ya know what diary...all this is Bollo*x. We can make our minds work the way we want. I can see what's in front of me & i can paint a bloody war zone scene if i choose to..my choice huh...(if it was only easy with this mindset)

I choose to do what's helping me & by God, socialising, meetings, listening ear and connections with people i care about no matter how often we spk is my miracle.

I completely refuse to get under illusions of something drastic and bad happening! (FOOT DOWN!!!!)
You, nasty little liar b****h can go bk where you came from..it's all bull! (That's for me ....all 20 of me )

I have friends, i am trying my best in recovery. I don't need isolation because i need company! I don't need drink, i can have great time without botle in my hand. I can share, talk, laugh and cry! Who cares!! We all have our own issues and we are all working at ourselves...
You don't know what awaits behind those door. Maybe good things and maybe dissapointing things..you wont open the door - you wont find out!...also you have it in you to see stuff from another point of view, you are capable to deal with anything in different manner...with no consequences of empty pocked, hangover or pool of tears.

Choice is yours...keep helping and believing in yourself Sandra because if you won't - nobody else will!

Nap time ...lol...it's good to rant!

Ps. My mates bday today...Happy Bday baba 😉
May even put my dress and heels on so i can go out and dance the frustrations away! (No alcohol tho 😉 )

Peace - JFT.

Good morning dairy,

Nice morning and sun is trying to show the face which is heart warming ☺

Yesterday turned out a success for my mindset. I pushed through the obsticles to beat myself up and ended up in the company of like minded people.
It's strange how open i have become. I have always been honest (that hurts sometimes but i guess it's part of the healing) & only recently start feeling that with my open mind, i am in a way asking questions of myself. Not sure if it makes sense?

I stopped jumping to rushed decisions (blessing for sure!) ..i take time to think or at least aknowledge the thought before i take the action.

Was busy and tiring day yesterday. I fully knew that HALT is present. I took care of myself...it did the trick this waking morning ☺

Day off...loneliness is creeping back in but just thought...sip coffee on my own on have company i don't really feel "myself" with in a morning...listening and trying to nod along to something i probably don't agree with....ha...i guess i sound bad here! I strangely am appreciating peace in my own space i should say. Staying in the moment!

Read something interesting and importantly mind exercising this morning. It's not all trash on FB after all huh...

Try it...it may help!

As your loved one or person you care about simple but deeply important question:
" what can i do do make your day better today?"..

The golden key i clearly see is - giving = taking.

Share that kind act and you will feel the gift you get in return.

Ramble over, have a good day all.

Progress not perfection...tipu tapu JFT

You are doing great inspite of what "addiction" whispers in your ear. I am so happy you have a sponsor!

This was the topic in my Gam Anon meeting last week;

"It's easier to act your way into a new way of thinking, than to think your way into a new way of acting"

Have a great addiction free weekend Sandra

Cathyx

Good morning diary & thank you Cathy ☺ xx

Latest news - i fell face first on the concrete with gambling! Booo..i know, the b*****d got me and kept me in its grip for more than i would of liked. Yes, know the trigger and first pound in the machine while playing pool let the devil out instantly! Back home & online slots galore in front of me till the next time i looked at the clock (8hrs later :-(((( )
I've been reminded about progress not perfection and it shone the light again for me (thank you Rach xx). I did 10 months clean (almost....as i am still scratching the surface with lil cards now and again) so in theory I'm not an angel with this anyway!

Not beating myself up. I enjoyed it at the time as needed a let out. It can come in any forms and so it be if it was gambling this time. Didn't touch alcohol to punish myself even if it was tough day yesterday but again - a little progress being made here.

Touched the subject with my sponsor yesterday and i think i "depressed" her cause she was in a rush to phone her own sponsor after the converse 🙁

All is good believe me or not! Maybe it's arrogance talking again, but i shall take this lil peace of mind i have today....dust myself down, get my head outta a*** and make the most out of day!

Starting with vollunteering - "what can i do to make all of your day better today" 😉

Stay safe all.....tipu tapu even if i have stalled briefly.

S x

Hello ....

From someone who is quite ' ofai ' at stalling, its time to get back on the horse just like the brave Sir Robin and ride proudly through Shewood...................... https://youtu.be/jYFefppqEtE

No words of wisdom from me ....., i'll just agree with Rach, you've done well of late, you put your words into actions.

Thanks V..i will try xx

Hi diary,

I had an awesome day yesterday. Went vollunteering, learned a lot and got some experience in some tasks..it was great feeling and i felt proud of myself.

But as soon as i got back home my mood has shifted. I watched the clock ticking by...i knew the meeting is getting closer. .i braved myself to check my bank balance as i needed some gasoline in my car...it was still safe...100 pound for a week...that's when i went mental.

Not sure what it was but i just switched. In my mind i was "enjoying" the moment. ..didn't think of consequences.

I ignored text from Sponsor asking if I'm coming to the meeting....i instantly logged online, found another new site to register..deposited and off i go on my high horse....

Messages from people i keep dear to me kept coming through...yet..i didn't even blink in responding because i was "away"... i change completely!
Then little realisation moment hit, i decided to do the "job" fully and why not to pick up the drink! ...so i sprinted to the shop praying that the phone i was gambling on will not log me out in the next 10 mins (hard job to log back in huh...we have no time nor patience for that!)...so shop was closed but then i had a brainstorm and decided to get in my car, go on fumes to the station...for.....yup..not for gasoline - for drink!!! Madness for sure.

I got my gem in my hands...i didn't think clearly. I was in the moment.

Can't say i got wasted...no....but my 100 quid is not there anymore. So be it. I self excluded from the site.
Woke up to the email from our Gav. Shook me big deal...
so glad to hear he is well and safe!

Not sure what is happening next. I have responsibilities about the house.. it's scary if my mind plays my own games.

Fellowship is good but not for me. Cannot get over that spiritual thing and still feel not as i should in real world in their company if that makes sense. Gotta make a phone call and explain my sponsor. At least i tried.

Not sure what now. Back to work. Stand bk up on two feet. Look ahead...keep busy and occupied. Try & control the drink? Can i? Can i control it without beating myself up?

Don't know. A lot decisions to make going forward. I know I'm not perfect and never will be. Deep down i believe i can find the way of healthy life...just a question if I'm ready for it yet.

Take care diary, take care all...stay safe.

S x

More to the last.

Expectations of others. Good point was raised which i relate to greatly. I do expect a lot from others. I think it came from my early childhood....i give more than i have and probably expect the same but end result as always is me getting hurt. I need to learn to stop this. Be independent and take good care of myself. After all, there is no such love/care than it is for oneself. That's where it starts.

Am trying not to think but want to work out my behaviour recently. This weekend was nightmare if i open my both eyes to it. I did try and do stuff to keep occupied. It did help but maybe that was a trigger to have my own time & the only "own time" i know is addictions. It's also true that once you start, it's hard to snap out. The psyche of human beings is complicated but can make sense. Seeing failure in oneself is way easier than seeing progress.

I made few wrong choices. I let my mind take turn in "self care" but in wrong way. I can either learn from that or keep carrying on down this self destruction path.

Spoken to the sponsor. Gave me tough love and implamented many rules going forward...ha....shouldn't laugh but who is she to give me orders?...yes, she is my sponsor...person who believes in me, not giving up on me & wishing me well, person who went through the same and knows what she is dealing with...person who told me very clearly -" i can't do work for you, you need to do it if you want to get better". ..not sure if i want to get better...that's a thing.

My life is way better than few years ago. With the help/ encouragement and support from people i found in this forum...i am where i am. I also went through pain and put others through the same...why? Because i don't know better and how to let friendships flow...again, the expectations i might have.

I have a roof over the head, i have loving family....i still want a puppy.....but i need to put work in to get there.

4 years on this forum and still am making mistakes...will i ever learn?

Time for a bath and a nap.
I shall give this recovery another shot. Something is holding me upright and not letting me to give up.

Just for today.

S x