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Hello diary!

Hopefully i can update you now after trying for around 4 days but finding myself either too tired or too busy.
No more BORED in Sandra's life lol..get in there for sure!!

Doing great! Living i guess. Relationships with everyone around me truly improved & even if my Sis peed me off on Easter, i stil went round with a smile on my face!.we had a great day! I catch myself reminding me that life is good and i am actually happy. Not sure why but here we go. Maybe i still can't believe it lol.

Very calm and even work is failing to push my buttons. Am way more confident and accepting of myself.

Now..am not cured or whatever...but...I'm not that lonely, I'm not deep in depression, i do a lot of outside activities, i have my down time i can relax, i have focus, drive and purpose. Yup..without purpose there is not much to aim in life huh.

I however stopped meetings. Rooms helped a lot when i was in the mindset i was for so long...however i tripped and fell over many things over there :-(... something didn't feel right and i was really 50/50 all along...so i decided to follow my heart ☺

I still do my prayers tho (if you call falling on your knees and whispering "thanks for today, same tom pls" :-)))))) a prayer...but here we go, fell into routine i guess.

I am still wrong at many things. What has changed? I don't beat myself up over my mistakes and this is something huuuuge for me & my personality.

I will be honest...i am living my dream & who knows me from here, knows what it was.

Wouldn't change a thing in my life because every single situation got me where i am now...mentally, physically, spiritually.

Onwards and upwards i guess..get busy living or get busy dying.

I choose life & for that matter - i live for today only ☺..

Keep making the right choice...
No gambling to report.

S x

Hello diary,

Me again. Just when i wrote about how amazing my life is, it got a lil unsettled last two days..lol..coincidence maybe..i remember hearing that addicts expect something bad happening..it's like good continued feeling is not possible to their lives..some kind of catastrophy "must" happen sooner or later.

My life is still plodding on nicely. A little on the high with my new four legged pal and enjoying her company even if she is hard job at a times. I thought today that i constantly require some kind of drive or stimulant to get over the days. Interesting...is it me constantly looking for something to keep this blood pumping or i just can't settle down with what i have. It's like constant search of something...& what i have is never enough...(addict for sure)..Not sure if making sense here..it's like I'm not commited to myself..moving on & around too much expecting another high to follow.

Right. Not sleeping too well recently. Started to wake up early after nightmares. Two days on the trot and me don't like it! I feel tired and a little exhausted...yet, my feet are still carrying me like crazy! 20 miles a day..i nearly forgot how to run as walks took over :-/

Had bad day at work yesterday. Was very happy walking in but 5 mins later the retaliation of one op brought me back to earth. Now...i found my reaction different than it usually is. Yes, it did hurt inside, yes my blood was boiling wanting to give person a good shake and tirrade of not so nice words, yes it wiped the smile off my face instantly.
& then i remembered the "who's feelings it is"..mine or the person's. The person was angry and agitated and spread that toxic aura around. (That's true).
So instead of taking the person on "red carpet" following with some drumming in their heads about work ethics and respect to others...i did nothing...absolutely nothing.
Yes, it affected me and i kept the feeling inside. I felt it. But i was also calm, i got my head down and tried to do my job & few extras in supporting my team. It made me feel better. Not sure about the person as am pretty confident this reaction of mine shook them up not knowing w*f & why i don't get all bossy putting my foot down.

I guess i just didn't want all that & sometimes it creates more unnecessary problems.

My day was ruined, but progress is being made here. I kept my cool and that is definitely something new to me.

Not letting others control your feelings is important & yes, i did slip there and passed my feelings over to the tyrant, but ...at least i felt better in the end as my new approach in dealing with situation kind of worked...@ least for me ☺.
Saved me from carrying the mood over for the next day.

Anyway, a little tired but thinking if this dark cloud over me (which looks like going to split at any time with raindrops) is all it is...just another day in my life. Ups and downs.

I am in good place and have a lot to look forward to...I'll take it ☺

Little steps forward.

Peace out

S x

Hello diary,

Honestly lost count of the days in a week! Not visiting this site that often and for me...well...for me it's a good thing..i see it as a progress..
I used to read & reply (every post), then move on to read and reply occasionally..then onto read and no reply & onto not read every post...& then onto hardly visit the site.
The guilt of not posting and supporting others is dissapearing too..how strange huh :-/. I guess i have moved on from the deep connections on here..not following the journies..looking at myself and my steps forward? ...maybe..
I do however read now and again. It's my second (third) home..Cannot leave this community...it helped me wayyyy too much.

Life is ok. Last week was very busy with work. Can't remember some days but know i am trying my best to look after myself. Tired..yes, very tired some days but i have the fire in me to keep waking up in high spirits ☺..just that drive is here!
I had conversation with one of you from here yesterday..old postie who doesn't post no more (go figure lol). I was made to think about recovery. The reality is, I'm in no program or recovery as such. I may found a little spirit within me to keep with my prayers but that's as far as it goes. Do i feel bad about it? I did...but recently i forgave myself. I live my life. Unique in my own way. It works for today. As i told the person last night, i took a lot of knowledge from the rooms..absolutely positive experience & i do live by the values discussed in the rooms...i learned so much. Very greatful for every minute spent there ☺

Back to my life. Well, ..had all 12hrs in Zzzzz land yesterday! Ha..i know my limits lol. Loved my sleep for sure! Today i woke up a lil out of it but soon regained the drive! Phoned parents and told them good news about me coming bk home! (Result of Brexit :-D). Dad said something so so nice and touching..he said " i feel i got my daughter back with your smile and cracki ng jokes" ☺..ha...i do feel a little shift in me too..it's nice to smile and be at peace!..I'm also talkative! I meet so many people on my walks. I am the first to day hi (unbelievable!!!!!). I was even told I'm being seen everywhere lol..(i like outdoors!)..this made me laugh as i said "well, same must be with you if you see me..you must be out & about all day too" :-)))))

I still live day by day. Had only few tiny tears occasions this week & every time i cry i think: " f**k..where that came from as i hardly cry these days"!

Addictions wise. ...hmmm..yup, urges are here as i will be coming in some cash soon. Sis got her claws out already lol and well....as i said...i will help you in any way, just shout! (I have a feeling she is getting a megaphone soon lol).

All's good. When i think that my life is evaluated by few k....it makes me to retaliate and live it with enjoyment... strange...how much really your life is worth?
...in my view: smiles, peace, memories, kindness, honesty, care, love, vulnerability, compassion, understanding, support...... it is worth 0ВЈ because the human being is priceless & to share the piece of me with this world is something amazing.

Lil girl is doing well. She is amazing! Funny, loving, loyal...

I wanted to write more broader post but ...it came out as it came out lol.

I am at peace. I am moving around...i am breathing and functioning, i am sharing and giving my all for everyone who needs me... i shall take it as it's great feeling☺

No gambling to report...lil drink to report but who of us are perfect huh... certainly not me

Take care all

JFT - stay safe

S x

It works if you work it.

This thought is going through my head all day for some reason. I guess i lived by this matra all my life and only now learned the meaning of it. Everything requires maintenance..from household appliances to relationships.

Can't start job & let it die..because it simply will..you will lose interest, passion and purpose for it....need to work on it..on everything & most importantly life.

Thoughtful few hours...lol..i do have time for that huh.

Massive argument brewing with Sister. Am holding on tight but not sure if i won't snap. Parent always told us that we have each other for life...yes we do...no, she won't change, neither i.

Deal with it, live with it...work on it.

Peace out

Yes I agree everything requires maintenance. Its just hard in practice isn't it?

Addiction just wants us to live on a adrenaline and the quick fix.

Take care 🙂

Thanks SA...

Yes, everything requires ongoing work.

Diary...

Lucky (& i don't use this word often) today as just tried to signed up to around 30 sites in the last hour..looks like I'm self excluded from all of them..

Phew...urge for "relax" time passed. Will be greatful for this in the morning.

Nasty addiction...

Stay safe all.

S x

Hello there Sandra, hows things with you, thought i'd drop in and say hello, im in work currently but leaving soon to go to my first counselling session! How are you getitng on with the doggie! Excellent news re holiday something to look forward to! i know u like the sun (like me) but we are cracking some cracking weather this week, y day qas about 18 c lovely in sun! We have holoday booked for august for week as well so also looking forward to that. Funny u should say u've had a arguement with you r sis i've had the same with my brother, we havent spoke in weeks, i broke this mould this morning and emailed him and told him i was going to counselling, im feeeling pretty scared but excited on what lies ahead, have got to put the effort in , recovery requires hard work, still keep thinking back to what someone in AA said to me, enjoy life , this aint a rehearsal ! it still makes me smile. take care Gavin

Thanks Gav ☺

Diary,

Life is ticking along steadily. With crazy rush moments but still balanced out.
Still have a little wrecked heart due to recent events but i guess recovery teached me to get a thick skin...not sure it's good or bad but hand on heart - no more pleasing others, no more chasing and no more attention seeking! People who genuinely cares, will find me sooner or later.

So that's new me. Still learning to accept me but time will show.

Had nice long weekend. Catching up with my family, house work and even a date ☺

Had good time and felt i can be myself. Maybe my new attitude towards life helped also. Bloke is 10yrs my senior & man...i have never seen so vulnerable soul. Anger, hurt & all the emotions which comes with betrayal of loved one.

Made me think. ..but i shall keep my thoughts to myself now.

So what attracts us? Probably honesty, pain, wisdom (we both like philosophy and recovery terms 😉 ), the laughs and craziness ( we're both young at heart) and hope for a future. Am not rushing into things and don't have expectations and most definitely I'm not gonna do any chasing.
The thing is - i woke up early yesterday, i smiled, i went for a run & i even sang along in car! I was happy..even if only for one day.. i shall take it.

Intentions are unknown of course & tbh I'm not just a pretty face either...but those eyes said more than words can say.

My own wall been broken here.... not every man is sly cheating brutal piece of ***...men has feelings too.

That's my update. Looking forward for holiday. Also some exciting times ahead... must stay vigilant as addiction tried to sneak in when i felt on the top of the world this weekend... it doesn't come knocking on the door only when I'm sad that's for sure.

No gambling today. Life goes on ☺

Stay safe all

S x

o*g o*g o*g!!!!

I have been successful & shortlisted to my dream job! Get in there!!! o*g....I can be good at something huh ☺

WOW diary....absolute - WOW!

Happy is not a word!

Hi Sandra,

Glad to hear things are coming together & life is looking up.

However i have to take issue with something you have written. Comparing rape to cheating kind of disgusted me. They are in no way even closely the same thing. Cheating is breaking someones trust. Rape is breaking someones soul.

Ohh..sozzz Dan,..i must of miss worded it. Both are equally horrible things to be honest & both are being made by choice. Broken trust, body, mind, soul ....& so on..it's down to the person to aknowledge the damage each makes.
Still makes me feel sick so maybe just one of the things on the subject..
The key here is - it's not just man things...we...ladies can be biatches too & that's something i overlooked before. Planet made of animals lol..

Anyyywayyy...Thank you for the well wishes..life is unbelievably better and i am counting my lucky stars for sure ☺..it's a miracle and they don't seem to stop coming!

Take care too & you know where to find me if need any support at any time.

S x

They are not equabally horrible. I have been raped, & i have been cheated on. There is no comparison & to do so is frankley offensive

Dan, no offense intended and it's only my opinion. I've been raped but not cheated on (unless it didn't come to daylight). It would wreck me quite frankly...different way but emotionally equal devastation. It changes the person don't you think? Spiritually, mentally, emotionally. Scars are visible either way.

If you feel offended by my thoughts, please feel free to report me to Admin or evwn higher up. I am expressing my opinion.

Dear diary,

Absolutely beautiful morning over here! Another day i can count as successful.

I'm alive & I'm living my dream. Feel like being paid back for all the hurt in the past & man, it's wonderful feeling. I shall keep taking it because just maybe i deserve happiness in the end ☺

Stay safe all - no gambling to report.

S x

If you have no knowledge of cheating then is it really your place to be drawing comparisons?

You're mad @ me & I get that but please have some empathy for people who actually know...This is not the place for airing our dirty washing!

Ganging up on me now huh☺

Nothing to do with our sad separation darling and jut now remembered that you went through the same. It's the choice of how to react right. You are oposite and sounds like "liked" the experience.

No, i haven't been cheated on but only accusation was enough. It's tough S***e.

Apologies for the offence made ppl but i see with my own very eyes how such behaviour wrecks ppl inside out. (Most ppl)

Over & out from GC...no free speach allowed as i see :-/