...

"Why are you so wise and smart for your age? Did you read many books or studied the meaning of life?"

- "No..i am as thick as shoe but 4 years ago i started making changes....i shared my memories and life with wise people. I grew stronger and smarter accordingly. I listened and learned & understood myself better as a result".

All i am thankful to is the events of my life, people i met, stories i had opportunity to share and create some memories which will not fade. I am still on the road of self acceptance and discovery..... & i will fall and trip but i will also stand bk up and learn to walk again.

Thank you everyone for your shares and kindness. Without fellow addicts in my life, i wouldn't be who i am today...& to my own surprise - i feel i am a better person and not afraid to open new door.

If i can, i will keep sharing my knowledge around...

#roadtorecovery

Dear diary,

Good morning. To your shock - i feel amazing!

I just had breakfast in bed..i smell coffee...i feel looked after.. even doggy being taken for a early morning stroll & i am allowed to be lazy for once lol & stay in the pit!

A man was let into my home & life...unbelievable change i am taking on the chin...never say never.

You need to know this dear diary...you know what this means to me.

No gambling to report.

#road to healing

Good morning diary,

Firstly sozz Dan for upsetting you. You are right and those two are not supposed to be compared. One of my tantrums and overreactions i guess.

So diary,

What is love? I never been in love and truly don't know the feeling. I heard falling in love is one of the best feelings on earth.
I cannot pin point my feelings...but smiling most of the day, listening to the music and singing along, thinking about the person...sharing the light with others?..sometimes i think others know lol..seriously, the grins i had towards me recently are insane. Maybe i have a label printed on forehead - "i just had some" ...kidding even here, but s*x is needed for this crazy as it's part of healthy life in body & soul.

He swept me off my feet. And i just don't know how i feel.

We talked & talked a lot. We both aknowledge that this may be only the passing stage of excitement..maybe a way to escape reality? He is going through divorce, got two kids to pay equal attention to, forgive his ex for the trauma she gave him..
For me?..well..i never thought i will be in this situation..never ever! It's scary but also wonderful feeling. It's like something took over me.. what is it?
I feel i have grown up in a space of two days...yet, I'm still a girl inside..giggling, smiling, feeling.

I can't remember someone holding my hand but Sunday morning was something out of this earth.. feeling safe is important.
Dunno, the care, affection, understanding..the honesty we share..how long will it last? Does it really matter actually.
I am learning to live for today only. Why not to feel good while at it?

Many good things happening around me. New job prospect, current job opportunities on management level, few holidays booked, house under renovation, doggie happy, family healthy.

I do however miss my best friend but when smiles, calm and peace being changed over into unsettlement, sad feeling of rejection, losing the bond and pain....an action must be taken. Being apart maybe be better for both of us...no more pain and living on the edge (at least for me).

One door closes another opens...yes, such is life and we never stop changing/ growing/ learning.

No addictions present. ..but i know it's not it yet..unhealthy escape is still inviting some days...i just have a choice i guess & for today i choose life.

Beautiful morning..i love sun...i feel alive & energised..i like this feeling ☺

Stay safe all

S x

https://youtu.be/Ey_hgKCCYU4

S x

Hi... seems like your in a good place. Nice 🙂

Thanks SA ☺

I am in better place but as always still up and down.
Today was hard not to chase. Woke up feeling blue (& not cause lil girl was trumping away all night lol)

Don't know...just sad i suppose. Thinking & overthinking my behaviours/ reactions.
I am blessed to have understanding "fella". First male i ever felt so comfortable around. I told him straight away that I'm not the best company to be with today. Everything seems fine but i feel like crying.
We talked some more. I was able to try and explain how i feel. I cried a lot...he encouraged me to cry and let emotions out.

Didn't come to any conclusion yet...but am mulling over one thing he said " sometimes we feel the way nobody can explain. You seem to get agitated/ angry in ones company, but also so sad and lonely being apart"... this is the closest to my feelings...just don't know why... don't kow why & when this happened.

Maybe things definitely happens for the reason no matter how hard is accept some.

Moving on & not planning to use escape to not feel...

JFT... thanks for listening

Hi diary,

No gambling since last post. Although took gamble with life yesterday but that's story for another day :-))

Not sure what took over me last week but my "romance" took a drastic turn this weekend..hmmm..introduced him with "yes - no" Sandra which was bound to show the face sooner or later.. we are very open & honest with each other even if some stuff hurts ..
No disaster really. Hurt to kick him out but if i want my space and changed my mind about fancy dress party across the county..it's my choice. PJ's & Mask movie it was with four legged friend by my side ☺
Not sure why i don't feel what i felt before but many factors started to come out recently. Crazy or what & maybe many ladies would jump around clapping their hands and steadying their heart beats but i took a surprise of flower bouquet in my house after i got in after work as intrusive move! Didn't like it at all!..(don't think I'm getting any flowers in near future lol..)..just happened to freak out,get in self defence zone and nearly called boys out! Maybe just maybe the the stalker i used to have many moons ago still playing about in my subconsciousness. Asked for the keys back even if he got them back yesterday...bahhhh....(Hopefully no more surprises follows!)...& i did like the song i was sent to this morning..forgiven me thinks :-)))

Thinking many stuff again. Just washing machine on full speed mode. Rach's words about apples in the bowl only recently sank in. Sharing myself equally with others and not just "harassing" one soul. Seems to work! Lovely day at vollunteering yesterday, come bk in one piece which is always a bonus lol . Taking up studying and not sure if i get through all the books i have but all i can do is try my best! Besides it's aiding me to be a better person..respect, sympathy, compassion,...bahh...all that lovely stuff i seem to lack.

Got a shock yesterday. Took a selfie :-D..ha...yup...Couldn't believe who was staring back from that pic but man...i need to put some meat on! My parents won't be happy seeing this skeleton coming back for holiday. Even if i don't run no more, i cover wayyyy too many miles daily but hay ho...gotta keep moving! Had a feast last night!!! Cooked like for the last dinner and even if had to force food down, i managed half of it. (Hungry eyes next to me won lol..bless my lovely furry friend xxx).

House is taking shape which is lovely to see. ☺..proud of myself and making this lil castle my own..(or my lil nephews i should say).

Last thought...random....

I watched horrifying news (vid) about coming WW3.....made me think...here i am and here i may be wiped out of this surface at any time. If Mr Ching Chang decides to press that button, it's Auf Wiedersehen to most of us :-(((

That's why i appreciate thought of living for today only. Not much fun heading to job you don't get satisfaction from...but deep down we kind of hope for the best huh...& just maybe tommorow that sun will rise again & i will have an opportunity to have my prayer for the day.

Take care all and stay safe

Sssssssssandraaaaaaa ;-)))) xxx

Bahhh diary...slap my wrists!
Came for a lil sorry me time.

Lapsed. Big style.

To the stage I'm not evwn bothered but i know i have to care!

So..it happened.

Didn't see it coming...will recover...again.

Anyway, life in general is good. Counting down till lil break...so only 6 days to go and i keep my eyes on the prize ☺...even just for some fresh air near the sea will do me !

Now...i love my sister and all that...but..uptil now she thinks we are going to Wales :-/...i told her no and we are going down south near the sea...but no...statement today: " i will be so tired from walking on the hills i will sleep well" ..bless her..hi lls it is then ..lol..whatever suits her as i am staying near the seaside!

Supposed to study today. Did a lil and actually but did struggle with maths..not my strongest point :-/

Ok ..that's me..for now...just felt tired...about time ☺

Later diary

Hello again,

Thankfully bank stopped me in my dirty tracks and blocked my card!

I think i may have a problem here ....addiction (s).

I was talking earlier about life itself. Everything seemed right & when i booked day off, i had all lovely intentions of some shopping (underwear...shoes!!! :-0...enough info) & finish off some decorations at home (changing sockets, trimming hedges, cutting grass, cooking...ect). I did only shopping :-/ lol..simply cause it started to rain and i got scared of electrocuting myself by changing sockets :-))))).. (safety first indeed!)

& then just bam..all the rest is history. I simply see gambling as "relax" nowadays..just my time. Not good but gotta be honest!

Julie, for your info...briefly about my progress:
Changed jobs
Moved counties
Bought a house
Applied for permanent job at my vollunteering
Got a dog ☺
Survived car accident b4 Xmas
Lost some weight....
..ohhh..got a fella lol..

Maybe it's enough huh 😉

Again..my sarcasm & arrogance.

I read Phil's post today. Agreed with some stuff.
AA rooms..great for sharing and getting info. What i didn't like was quite visible hierarchy. Yeah, they support, encourage and help...but also...talk behind your back, fight for the "place to sponsor" (???) ..trying to prove something :-/..
For me it got too much...all of it...& maybe my lovely gorl required more of my time & she always comes first so no regrets whatsoever!

And i still believe we follow steps in life anyway...depends how honest person is.

I pray...but not for staying safe...i pray for others...always have done...

Hope they reach all of you.

I'm struggling to post here actually. Fear of being judged for being manipulative...please...the ones who is concerned..don't read between the lines as it's nothing there.

Thank you everyone for the support over my four years over here.

As Rachel would say: progress not perfection.

Really want to leave this site...really do..just don't feel strong enough...but i will not give up.

S x

Hello diary,

***** EDITED*****

As more important news than my boring life came to light.

RIP...all the victims in Manchester explosion.... :-((((

Man..world is going crazy....

Greatful for today and walking this earth here and now..few tears & few smiles...i am appreciating my being 100%.

Thoughts are with everyone going through this tough time of reality.

S x

Hi diary,

Ohh..what a heart wrecking last couple of days. Bad news doesn't seem to stop coming. Thinking if am being sent any signs here ...that's too deep thought huh..

Sad to hear about Manchester events...
Then walked into work, came into another news of one of my colleagues..don't exactly work with her but she was the one to greet me in this place when i started with golden words "don't let the b***ds grind you down"...we clicked on since..she makes me smile daily ☺ ..she was diagnosed with big "C" today :-(((...yet, girl came to work..even if left soon after cause of the shock and pain after being probed in hospital.
Don't know what to say...got nothing to say except keep holding on & don't push support away...we are here.

Everything is so strange and uncertain. Even if i live for today and stepped on all my own morals...i still feel a little blahhhh...
Gambled last week, had wild weekend in my own bed, told sister to f***f with her confused mind about cheating...

My principles...my behaviour..I'm not well...i am really not well & i can't recognise myself anymore. Can't try to be a better person..i simply am not.

It could be well worse..days like these i do think about swapping places with innocent souls who loose their life before time...sometimes i think that others deserves this place on earth more than i do!
But i am here..i have my lovely doggy i need to take care of...broken soul of a man who needs reassurance...even if i don't feel much towards him i hope things will improve with time. I never been a player...can i just change like that? No..i don't think so...i hope not.

Hope i wont gamble as mood is dangerous again..off work........sad & lonely yet hopeful for a better tommorow.

Again...all affected in Manchester...my deepest love is coming your way. Stay strong all..together we stand!!

S x

Hi S x x

I think the problem could be - didn't you mention in the past you have been in co-dependent relationships? Where the other person needed a lot of energy and reassurance and care from you. Someone who has been as hurt as this man sounds to have been, may feel very needy and that just may have pushed you away a bit. Protective, wary instinct.

It's gone and passed now but for what it's worth - I have been raped and didn't react to your comparison. I guess I can understand why others did. I was proud of how strong you were in your insistence that you are allowed your viewpoint. This is your place to be 100% you.

Anyway, thanks so much for your post. I believe we may be able to work it out but scared of getting into a vulnerable position as I am still rebuilding other areas of my life and when relationship hurts make me incapable of functioning, it is maybe a dangerous place to be. I agree with the animal thing - my cat has given me so much love the past few days which has helped my sore heart.

Glad to see things going so great for you!

f x

Hi f, thanks for your kind words xx

Thought about your post yesterday and think i am just not a romantic or too loving person. Probably fear of letting someone see me 100%. Some kind of guard always stays up..besides "spooning, hugging or rubbing feet " when I'm ready to sleep or already in Zzzz land is not my thang at all lol..we cleared that up and that's just me..like my space ☺ ( even fought the urge to read a book before sleeps the other night lol...bless my fella, couldn't stamp on his ego that much haha)

I have always been vulnerable. now it feels different. Maybe I'm more honest now. I didn't have many close relationships. Few bk home, when one controlling freak of a gangsta and a friend with benefits :-/...not forgetting a mindfook with female too.

This man hurts. Yes he does. Yes he needs attention and care. He simply is not getting it because that's how my mind still operates. Of course i need to do some work for this to work but i am showing most of my moods already and he seems to accept them. We are very open and that helps a lot.
Beginning was passion only. We went crazy with that connection. These happens as i learned...as i said to my Sis today, i guess the wolrd we are living in is affecting our subconsciousness too..live for today because you don't know when you get ur a** bombarded next. This is reality..live and enjoy...try, explore, discover...that's what I'm doing now. Not exactly looking for emotional entanglement with anyone. ..who needs that? It brings pain.

Not sure where my thoughts are taking me but all is ok ☺..I'm calm and i shall take it. Read your post about "un f*****g yourself"..is it possible? I actually don't think so. The behaviours we learned over the life is not easy to un f**k. ..accepting ourselves for who we are is a better way forward ☺. We do change in time but the core unique person is still there..i do love that girl ya know...she took me all the way to NOW and i am still alive! Bonus ;-))))

Oki...

Diary,

Had one of the best holidays to date! What a feeling..what a memories. My girl loves loves loves water now and watching her skip over the waves with ear (only one bless her..) flapping made my day! She was happy...free and had so much fun! She is definitely my world and as it stands - comes before any human being..gonna be flocked over for this here but who cares..only my opinion 😉

It was a good break away from the world. My sister and boy needed it too. She is going through life changing period with family and even if i didn't take sides at first and told her not to ask my opinion...i am standing by her side! She deserves happiness after so many years of turmour...proud of her for making a step!..i am however always on the standby ..cannot go into details here but a lot of worry and stress is present now. ..which am sure will pass and everything will be ok ☺

Life and it's lessons huh..i am stronger than i thought ☺

Thank you GC, thank you addictions and thank you my life for getting me to the place i am now. ..no regrets.

Ohhhh..since its gambling forum then..i think i should class i had a slip yesterday..a scratch card..but other than that, the front is clear....& prayers ongoing...JFT..

S x

Hi.. I've Just read your first post and It filled me up with hope. i'm back here after yet another relapse and I can do with all the help I can get. It really is a life time commitment keeping the demons away. I've seen both side of you in the last page of your posts. Sometime I awake with a heart full of sunshine. Other days I just want to escape the human condition. I enjoy your writing style. keep up the good work

Your addiction is whispering to you. What is it saying? Ask your inner child - what am I trying to escape?

Love,

f x

Thanks Freda ((((f)))) xx

Diary, - update time ☺

In a little sarcastic mood (hence the pic) but the ones who follows me, knows me well lol.

What a rollercoaster of last few days. One I'm happy, other regretful sorry a**e person drowning in pool of tears... still, i seem to drag myself out of self pitty somehow! Progress ☺

Had the most distressful dream last night and woke up crying. Brrr..i hate those :-(...but all is ok & even if meaning says i will get some good news...i truly hope it will be good news and not the oposite.

Was pondering about my chosen career path recently. Wasn't sure i want to get involved in whats going on in the world but....let's see. I either die or i help at least one soul! Not rocket science for me and i am choosing continued studies and hope to "rule" that world in time ☺. Need to pick the game up here as time is ticking and I'm only half way through the first book out of 3 :-0...i will get there!..even if i go another 2k down if successful, that doesn't matter..money never mattered really..good deeds does!

Communication. I think that is what drives my being. I noticed the drop in my talks with "Ady" and the change in me. I need constant communication to keep the fire burning else i will drift away...rings a bell with many of you from here who got to know me huh. It's not attention seeking, it's keeping the connection going. ...but...yup, of cours there is a "but"...learning to live with my desire for isolation and my own company now & then which is challenging for sure...When i grow up a lil and understand myself better, i shall try and explain this in more detail ☺...we are however trying again and hopefully i get my original feelings back. (It was exciting stage of my life!)..."it works of you work at it" ☺

What else..no gambling to report. Not even sure how far i am in this journey but as we know, I'm not committed 100%, in other words i don't put pressure on myself. Did that before, just more beatings was present as a result!.

Oki..studies time & then lovely work!

Thank you my FB friends for listening to my ramblings..esp on low days...Joan...Rach...You're in my heart...forever!

& of course my gorgeous, amazing, loyal, loving and absolutely awesome in every single way four legged friend - B xxx
Anyone struggling with mental wellbeing or feel lonely, i would urge to get a pet companion...Couldn't ask for a better soul walk next to me in the last 3 months ☺

B&S x