Hi CW,
Glad you found something useful in my post. I relate to recently found knowledge a lot, just need to keep separating what's what...but i have time ..and patience! вє
So diary. Very stressful day...WOW!! I didn't realise i can go without a break (or a cig drag) for 6 hrs ....LOL...this is what i call no pressure!!! (Quick paced environment).
I believe i have failed the assessment but i am very proud of myself for getting this far! It's amazing experience! English is what i need to work on the most (Maths aside) as am struggling with expressing myself as i have noticed...even nerves & pressure shouldn't of shut my gob as it did..shame on me but i cannot undo it now 🙁
Sitting here...with B resting her head on my knees and am in complete peace. I was thinking today that i havo no one to share my life/knews with. Even my sister didn't remember my big day. It's kind of sad to be in this situation but here we go. I am the one to isolate so no tears about "Billy no mates" allowed!
I have my girl...she is amazing! I love her to pieces & am commited of putting her wellbeing first. No matter what, she is fed, walked, chased and played with and is a really happy dog! She makes me smile too....& .....i just love her to be honest. I wouldn't change anything with my decisions of offering her new home.
She belongs here and in my heart.
That's about it. Got paid today and had urges but ...why should i punish myself more? I already feel battered from the outside life...by my own choices to some situations.
Stay safe all
God bless
G'night!
B&S xxx
Hi Diary,
Hurt today. Mental battle is unbearable but this shall pass right...it did before..but will it?
I tend to blame my childhood for who l have become but then again...why? Maybe i am just a soul wanting love and care...like everyone else? Maybe it is normal?
Too many maybes..should go by the facts. People hurts & i hurt people. Conclusion? Answer in a post.
No gambling...i guess i deserve a high 5 on this one вє
Positives:
*house
*job
*pet
*parents
*health
*hope
*...compassion towards myself
Stay safe all
Whrn you're introduced to life by someone..given wings to fly, trust to build up on, belief for posibility of impossible, self confidence to keep building on....& then...then you get it all taken away from you...like disabled pushed off their wheelchair, blind left without guide dog..completely smashed to the ground...& as if it's not enough..stepped on for a good measure.
That's what i call betrayal and not stable mind. The mind which is more powerful than words, the main drive for restructure or destruction..
Remember many things taken away from me. One of them was my beloved dog..ironically enough, only find out the circumstances around 3 weeks ago. My beloved Mummy paid my sister to take my beloved doggy in the woods..just somewhere and dump it...why? Why on earth would you do that? ....how horrible..to find this out 18yrs later once again proved that you cannot hold onto good for long..there will always be someone/ something coming along and taking it away....
I don't know how I'm gonna pick myself up and start walking again. I have zero trust and zero confidence in me. I feel bad and useless...
..but i know that i have to start building up somewhere..from the bottom...again..lay first foundations with more knowledge of myslef and life behind me...
I will rise...i will rise again!
I am a compulsive gambler & alcoholic..also i have a problem with attachments..but im also human and am not perfect. Never will be. I allow myself to make mistakes in life ..
...besides - " life is gonna keep throwing you the same test until you pass it"...never truer words!
Just few thoughts i wanted to put on my diary....no gambling to report.
JFT.
- B&S xx
& no ..i didn't take care of it as i should of...i didn't take him out long enough so i can train him not to pee at home...why?
Because i was f****n busy looking for acceptance.in the perverted 40+ man's f*****g flat..being cared for, shown what "friends" are like and taken advantage off..with my own f****n agreement!
Again..like everything..it's MY b****d doing!
Sick of it!
Sugar coating yoir life will not get you far...
# acceptreality
Coat hanger in for 8 hrs tho lol...customer service comes first вє
B back for more..
Description of my state....
Anyone ever seen dead body? & muscular reflexes/ spasms after the period of complete stillness?
That's the closest to what i can describe i feel now...die - function - die...ect...cycle continues...tiring really but i haven't got my sanity back yet so fight is ongoing!
Breaathhheeee..
On the last note dear diary...(don't get much sleep recently so some Zzzz lined up)...why should i care? Seriously..why should i put my soul and spirit for trade? For what..pain and hurt in return?
Every experience in life keeps shaping my personality..oh man..last few years was the biggest change and it's not stopping here. I feel numb. I feel not me..a bit angry and a bit f**k it all...who cares...i hardly care anymore..about time, enough of Sandra please all.
Keeping my side of the street clean, putting myself first. Self preservation is my bottom line.
I will keep learning...i will not give up and will always fight my corner. Not many people will like me but that's ok because I'm not here for validation.
My life & i shall fight for survival!
I deserve living...i do!
#nomore!
Life is one massive gamble...absolutely. we are always taking risks...gambling.
With feelings, trust, career, locations, people....
It's one big gamble & you know what, we all lose time and again..however we come back to try our "luck" again....merry go round...show me the winner ...
Life is addiction 😉
As i said...I'm not just a pretty face вє
B&S xx
Another classic...my last ex looked a lil like this sweetie lol...Tiesto - i think i will always вќ¤ you!
& one for our girl.... вє
Somehow this song always raises a smile and a lil f**k it - i don't care mood!
Just for ya Rach!! Xx
Good morning me, good morning world!
Looks like sleeps not gonna give me a break but ...well, maybe tommorow вє..
Feelings today? - Hopeful..let's join the rat race huh
Leave you with a nice tune..perfect for walkies time & a lil punch in the air!
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE!
Random...to all the people (from both countries) who has left me behind...by choice or by fate...miss you all guys & gals and hope to see you again...in another life...
#neverforgotten
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