That's about it me thinks..sums me up well ☺
Hey diary,
Tough s**t over this way but i am still fighting. Feel absolutely emotionally demolished and deep down i truly know i need help..just feel helpless of reaching out..completely no energy...i must somehow.
Was thinking about my attachments and the biggest mistakes i made. I concentrated on one apple in my basked (as you do), letting the others rot. As shameful as it is...i turned away from good friends...i didn't have time for them in my mind...sobering reality of such condition tbh.
Still beating myself up about my wrongs but kind of feel i cannot take much more so with God's help, i shall try and figure this out. Same as addiction, it won't go overnight..need to work at it and open up to whoever is ready to listen.
My girl is my rock. Almost sure i wouldn't be here by now if not her.
She may get my vibes but I'm doing my best to put her first...again...not myself but her huh...bahhh...that's ok, the surest thing about her - she won't walk away...that's why animals are the best companions for human in my mind.
Her brother has passed away yesterday. It pierced my heart...i couldn't imagine of loosing my B!!!
That's about it. Walking thousand miles recently even if fresh air does me good...my soul is still traded away...i need it back...i will fight to get it back, i must!
No gambling to report.
B&S xxx
Sit with these feeling, honey. They will pass. Promise x x
Thanks Freda ☺, that's all i can do i suppose.
It's so strange. My life is like game of domino's..building those pieces together & then they all fall apart. Lol...lovely game for sure.
I didn't realise i can spiral down to suicidal route so quickly. I definitely need help & don't think upping my HP is the answer. They just space me out!
..one minute you purchase a house, get a dog, start romance, get money behind you, new career prospects,.. feel so happy & at peace & then just boom...it all goes to pieces..
(Only money and romance has gone...but i fear it's not gonna end here!).
Weird life. ..but life it is!
I do know i will recover from this. After all, I've been if far far worse places. It's just not very nice experience to go through because i am beating myself up for being me. Madness i know and i was told there is no reason for that by few people. It's just the matter of time for me to get it all back together and start looking ahead again. Arguments do happen and i did my bit by apology so should really give myself some breathing space.
Summer months are the happiest months! I just feel lonely this time round and at crossroads. Missing sea and peace...& strangely overlooking the amazing places these forests offers. Doesn't bring me the same quiet and calm :-/. Saying that i went to the deep of tbe forest today and couldn't believe how fresh and not polluted air it is! How amazing! ...
All is good. Sitting with these feelings. Time will pass, new people will come into my life & if i learned my lessons( ?!) ...i will be smiling again in no time ☺
I believe that i am not as bad as my lil voice telling me...i am a good person! I am ☺..now keep repeating that to yourself crazy lol...yup...i AM a good person!!!
Thank you again, keep looking after yourself because nobody else will....true!
B& S xx
Morning diary!
What a gorgeous day ☺ Am still here and breathing a little more freely...phew...these storms are tough ones but does pass..again..patience huh ☺
Did snap at work last night thi. Felt it bubbling inside (lack of communication) and it just burst when seen a manager :-/..bless the guy as he soon brought me back to place lol. Very soothing for sure and i recovered pretty quickly knowing i shouldn't overreact like that. Work is work..there are good days and bad days like in life ☺
Sleeping quite soundly recently. 10hrs + each night and still not enough lol. I guess im still recovering from the nightshifts i stopped a year ago. Gorgeous girl doesn't mk it easier as is as lazy as me lol..the amount of manoeuvring i do overnight it's unreal. I will need a king size bed soon heh heh. I need to start putting little plans in my daily routine... (2x bedrooms awaiting of fresh layer of paint so hopefully this will kick my a*s into gear to get up a lil earlier).
Leave ya with this....& just for youuuuu Ryan ;-))
Can't beat a lil wonder off to the different side of the law.. i am a bad girl after all ;-))
People don't change - the way they see situations and how they react to them does. Hallelujah, needed to work this out lol..now i can put it in a bottom drawer and close it firmly ☺.
Diary,
Was thinking about GC community today. How amazing people and how lucky i am to be here. My life (& outlook on it) has chnaged 100% since when i found this site. So many miles walked, so many tears shed, so many smiles shared...& few arguments of course lol.
I am coming out the other side..very slowly but also very different person. Probably the outlook changed now..when i am on my own and have more responsibilities. Not chucking toys outta pram as much huh ☺..i am still working myself out but am deffo not the same as before. Maybe dare i say - stronger this time round!
Last but not least...my biggest public apology to our Rach (Ex doormat)..i know you don't need it but me snapping at you gone weekend (1st time after knowing you for 4 years!!!) has rocked my boat...seriously..i haven't forgiven myself yet but i will ☺. You know where my mindset is recently and i now know what your recovery is about so...hmmm..maybe call it equals lol..i would never want to damage what we have and i am just greatful for you being here ☺..no attachments! Lol...yup Chief Rach, no compromising our recoveries.
Lol..just looked back what i typed and it sounds like ...big mess of everything...maybe i should of ranted about politics so we are on the same level 😉
Anyway..just an apology and thats it.
So, day at work finished. A lil snap at somebody but maybe turned out more sarcastic than aggressive :-D...i am learning for sure.
On a last note...i am who i am. I went so far in my journey and i slipped and tripped but i am here...living my dream at the end of the day! Who would of thought ☺. Anything is possible if you put your mind/ heart and hard work to it....
Time for sleepies and "b**t" war with baby girl lol..seriously, my fat ar*se pushing her outta my space all night long..not so easy to move 20kg haha...bless my lil angel ☺
Goodnight diary ....
B& S xx
Hi diary,
Not so good day if I'm honest. A little emotional battle again and felt very anxious for the most of the day. I hardly feel anxious but today those feelings came back..maybe just one of those days!..
I guess my upcoming journey bk home is playing a part in the way i feel recently..or maybe just life in general.
Life .....so many would dream off...i don't know what's wrong with me and why I'm not happy with my lot.
I love my doggie, she is a blessing to be truthful...
I pray for some strength to get over this weekend with peaceful mind. Maybe even give myself a day off from all the house chores..Can't remember since i had a settee day! Would be nice.....hmmmm...i shall think about it!
Messed up mood and a lil low so best leave it here.
Goodnight diary, tommorow is another day and today's actions will lead the way forward....no gambling...JFT
B&S xx
So diary...
Gambled today...why?..struggling in financial department.... yup..gambled to have some money..
outcome?..do i need to say more...
Ended up worse than where i started..where is a logic here huh..
Don't gamble...it will destroy you.
Peace out
Hey sandra.
You know the mantra
I cannot win because I cannot stop.
It is the eventual outcome of any episode of gambling, even winning is a temporary format, addiction will just demand feeding more until the winnings become chased losses.
I hope today you have found safety through abstinence.
It is the way for us to turn that mantra upon it's head.
Look after yourself.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs
Hey Duncs, thanks...
All is ok. I've "spoken" to God...we made some decisions. I shall forgive myself.
Got my beautiful girl by my side...as always, she comes first...rich or poor....
Thanks again,
I shall start putting dots down accordingly...just need time...
B&S xxx
Reality of addiction....
A: You did stop and got your funds back, you're not addicted...
S: who says I'm not gonna give it all back and some more tommorow?
A: Yes, there is a posibility...but you got your head screwed on at the right time...at least for now..
S: why would you say that? It was just luck...desperate chasing...12hrs of the day gone so i get bk to my original state..is that not enough to prove that i waste my life to addiction?
A: but you had your downtime..you went out and had some fun with family/ friends..
S: really? Fun in your mind..i didn't have fun because all i was thinking about is how i can go back and chase it all...
A: you're missing a point..you came out equal.
S: are you for real? What you have taken from me cannot be repayed..you took my mindset and concentration away, happy memories, precious time, useful jobs, needed care for someone...those hours i have spent in your company will not be returned...& guess what...i will live with this for the rest of my life... cry, try to think positive, look for self exclusions, try to forgive myself....yet...i know i am in your grip! How powerful can you be? Why would you do this to us? ....why would you destroy us...we didn't do anything to you to deserve this...we are only people..
A: i will get you over and over again & you know that....until..
S:...i know.....but wait till i stand up and accept help...just wait..you play with patience and i shall will too...
S: You're powerful, i accept that...but there is always a BUT...it's difficult to kid a kidder ;-)...Remember these words.
B&S xx
Well done for resisting chasing urges. Be proud!
f x
Hi... as you suggest the gambling head will tell us anything to keep us gambling. I become very ill when gambling. I become very well when i stop. Its as simple as that.
Thoughts are with you... 🙂 x
Dear oh dear...i did exactly what i promised i won't do just q2hrs ago...all went down the hole & more in one hour!..dread to look at bank acc..
How quickly it all escalate huh. Jeezz, i hate this feeling but why i keep repeating the same mistakes...how long for? I'm gonna live my nighmare if i don't stop now..just STOP....stop stop stop Sandra!!! - YOU CANNOT WIN BECAUSE YOU CANNOT STOP!!! Addict for life, get it in your thick skull...STOP.
I am the same. I do the same and then I hate myself for it
You are a gambling addict. I am a gambling addict.
STOP... go for a run
Thoughts are with you
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