...

I love the new title of SA's diary. Be your own best friend 😉

Hugs,

f x

Hey guys,

Well well well...gambling like f**k lol..yes i am and nothing really registers.

Save your breath guys, it will be a while till i come bk. You know how it goes.

Ohhh...& also skipped work...which is fantastic for my upcoming future.

Thank you GC for f*****g my life up..mentally, that's for sure.

Over & out.

Hopeful Soul,

Sorry you're struggling just now. Sounds like you want to take a break from the forum ("save your breath guys, it will be a while till I come bk").

Just wanted to say come back when you're ready, but if you can, keep posting, because support from your friends on the forum will really help.

Take care,

Forum Admin.

Big hug (((()))) .... you will find your way through just as i will

I'm not saving my breath - I'm reminding you of what you already know. We all self-sabotage because we are scared of finding out that we can't do it. We are scared of failing. We are scared of doing everything right, in case it doesn't work. If we go out and foo k it all up ourselves, we never have to face our fear. We are scared that without our addictions, compulsions and problems we would have no excuses any more. It isn't really logical but that's how we are wired.

I think for most people on here, we have at some point been infected with the inferiority virus. We're terrified of people knowing just how rubbish we are. If we don't achieve what we want - or what we think other people want us to achieve, it can be because our addiction held us back.

It's sad because we are all good enough. It is really hard to believe, though!

Also, we are sometimes, in a roundabout way, avoiding disappointment. We figure "there's no way I can keep succeeding at this, I can't maintain this" so relapsing is just bringing forward the "inevitable". It is familiar and safe to keep going around and around in these circles. We know the drill. It's predictable.

I'm regurgitating all of these unhealthy thought and behaviour problems for a reason - to remind you we all have this tendency. You are not alone. We understand each other on here. We can help each other notice the start of a build up to another trip on the merry-go-round, we can point things out to each other. Learn from each other's mistakes.

You are in f ook it mode. I know it well. It seems too hard, what's the point?, I can't maintain this etc...

I was in f o ok it mode tonight. I did it with food. Same thing, different apparatus.

Tonight I was angry that things were the way they are for me. They aren't that bad but, you know, it is constantly a lot of conscious effort to improve things in my life at the moment. I'm tired! My inner child took a tantrum. It's not fair! I don't want it to be this hard!

I guess the trick is to learn to nurture those inner children. Allow them to express themselves fully - in emotion, rather than behaviour. Encourage them, love them, show compassion for how frustrated, tired and scared they are.

It's not easy, that's for sure. You can guarantee we, on here, understand.

Thanks f & SA....and you FA...the reality is - i have no friends..by choice...

So diary,

Another day off work. Another day full on ups and downs with gambling. Sick of it but cannot stop. First food today - honey peanuts lol.. that's my food!
Blacked out last night..full of gamble and drink (lil girl were looked after for the ones who is concerned...in fact, i never hugged someone's that much in the night ... what a joy & comfo she is...slept in longer than ever..

So, pushed last of the friends i have away. Just how i roll i guess. Confined in one mate i know for a long time...response - " just stop"...hmmmm...i wish i could.

So i am active. So i am all bad and sick. It's not sickness..it's a choice...simply made by the function of brain...maybe today i didn't feel well enough (again)..but i will strive forwards. No chance for suicide as i have my lovely B....i will keep putting her first.

Sandra 0 - Gambling - x5

I will find my way...i believe xxxxx

Hello diary,

Some drunken thoughts there last night..brrrrrrr...the life of active addiction is lowest of the low. Strange how we seem to come back to it huh!

Woke up with a little calm around me. With the thought of "enough is enough". Of course it's only a thought (i had it on Monday also) and only actions will put wheels in motion...so maybe won't waste my own breath with empty promises and thoughts...will post how my actions progress in coming days instead ☺

Being back out there scares me as hell...i become so nasty in all aspects in my life. I truly don't like my "non thinking" brains...everything just shuts down and i only see spinning wheels...madness..insanity...craziness...i have nothing else to add to active addiction.

This year so far was huge for me. So many good things happened and equally many bad things. At the end of the day, the scales are near enough equal.

I still have fears. I dread to go bk home..scared of what addictions are doing to me...scared of dying alone. All these little things plays in my head...& here i run away in instance. Make it all worse. No sense.

My heart still bleeding from the last few gone months but i am trying to look forward.
I went very low just recently. I gave up on myself. I put myself, work, household in jeopardy...now i have some work to do to get it all bk on track.

You have to die a little before you can be reborn.

I like this saying and that's how i feel.

Thank you everyone who hasn't given up on me...and definitely thank you my bruised but burning spirit for fighting back...for getting back on this surface and trying again.

I will learn to walk again....i got my companion by my side & bunch of beautiful people who offers support and help. I am not on my own and i certainly won't see last minutes of my life of my own..i have a choice & i choose life, friends and peace.

Little steps forward...one minute at a time....one hour at a time..

B&S xx

Afternoon diary.

Braved myself to look at the bank and am just horrified of the transactions. Don't like to talk finances but this relapse clearly escalated....absolutely..i don't think i have ever lost my head this much.
Talking about 4 figure sum...here is my table & chairs, a rug for living room, a bed for guests and some bloody blinds (a am obsessed with them lol)....new trainers since i wear the ones with holes in them :-/...& spending money for holiday as well.. bills will get paid as i transferred my last savings over to make the ends meet.
Today i also did the cheapest food shopping and staying in all weekend so i safe on petrol.

Aftermath of this craziness...5 days of head in slots, 3 days skipping work, hours & hours out of my head, poor sleep and sinking feeling....what was all that for? For my greed to "not be able" to afford 60 quid airport parking fare....madness? Maybe...just maybe..

Ok..what's done is done. Picking myself up again..

This addiction escalates and that's the most horrifying thing of it all....

Minute at a time.... xx

Feeling better....drew massive sun pic on the wall :-D....lol...i have lost the plot but it's something i need to accept....my property...my hope....my lovely place i can call home...this shall be the reminder every day for me that life is worth living...You're the master of your destiny...mine is not exactly Picasso yet...but means more than words can say ☺...

Happy....calm....breathing...just for today!

So it's back to basics. So hard to get away from this grip. Gambled my last available money.. i put deposit limits on and am asking myself why I'm not self excluding? Why part of my brain cannot accept the defeat?

It's interesting train of thoughts. I am active (in my brain) so maybe i could help at least one of you by recording my thoughts?

I guess it's the last (& desperate) "maybe".., " what if"..., ..."final goodbye"..there are many reasons to keep going back to the "offender".. it's similar to the abusive relationship...it hurts...but we soon forget it...pain passes, we welcome it back in our lives. ..knowing it's gonna hurt again :-/...no logic...zero understanding here to be honest.

I shall get myself to the meeting...and to be honest i would like to self exclude by then....but...wait...i know I'm due for a bonus on Monday! w*f?!...Seriously...w*f!

& that's how i roll...painted most of the guest room...found it as therapeutic as counselling session. Took girl out for 5 miles walk. Beautiful forest i just recently found! It's amazing! Finally cooked.... hooray..hot food down this throat...& then i sat down...i didn't know what to do with myself...so i got bk to the enemy....bahh..

I am not strong yet, i know that. But im grabbing for straws here...i need to surround me with 3D help.

Not all is lost. I have a beautiful house, a dog, job... the latter I'm not sure about as got myself into deep but shall find out on Monday .i just want to stop gambling...really do....do i? Man...this battle is shocking.

I had enough for today. I will definitely won't go bk there (daily limits) & just maybe with a grace of God i find strength to self exclude..

Please give me streng as this cannot carry on

..xxx

Hello diary,

Nice and short.

Woke up at 0430, chasing played on my mind. Logged to the site - self excluded.

Liberating feeling, one tiny step forward.

I will get out of this mess

B&S xx

".i need to surround me with 3D help."

It's time for action instead of talk 🙂

Cathyx

Evening diary,

Thank you Cathy...reposted ☺ x

Well, day is nearly over and i am still clean from my enemy. Had to keep busy tho...day of painting, 2hrs walkies, phone calls to parents and Sister, cooking, cleaning, long relaxing bath and just playing with lil girl in the garden...she likes football ☺...

Yet my mind struggled to switch off...don't know why & not gambling related...sometimes i feel like elephant in this GC' s room...strange feeling but i must put myself first and now i truly need help. I didn't realise i can get this deep...so i will keep posting & talking..it helps.

Anyway...bought (£1) a good book at 5am this morning..read many chapters until sleeps took over and can't wait to get back to it! Really interesting one ☺

I am thankful for the responses and support i received today..i guess person don't even realised me secretly reaching out ☺ ...thank you xxxx

Time to get some rest. Challenging day awaits...maybe the begging of the end of my story....how about that? I like that ☺

Stay safe all...God bless xxx

Hi S x x

How come you don't have blocking software? I would be in action if it weren't for mine. We cannot expect ourselves to resist 24/7 as is the hours available to gamble online.

It gives huge peace of mind

f x

Hi Freda,

I did have K9 installed on my laptop..it messed it up...GamBlock on my phone...it messed applications up...so...yeah, all i do is self exclusions i suppose. Saying that i was given a piece of advice to disconnect Internet which i am still mulling over about...ya know this day and age - FB and all that!!!! :-0...how would i live without cyberspace ☹

Diary,

Back from the meeting. No fireworks...steady and at ease. Different to AA that's for sure. Hopefully i will stick around this time ☺
It's good to share that's for sure!

Gonna tackle One problem at a time - one day at a time...that's all i can do.

What i tend to completely ignore is that i have everything i need!..absolutely everything..cannot risk it all..it will bring my death...& i choose life no matter what.

God bless

B&S xx