...

Good girl on the meeting. Don't allow addiction to even open a conversation if this is what you need etc. It's the medicine that can save you ... take it.:)

Stay strong.

Cathyx

Thanks Cathy, reposted..

Dear diary,

Been emotional day yesterday but i made it to today. Feels like a lil milestone reached.

Feel a lil exhausted mentally and physically today. Not sure what's going on with my body...just weak and about to have 10mins nap! At least close these eyes!...& I'm usually not a "nappy" person...maybe sun got in this head too much.

Emotional pain?...well...just wanting to make things right & better which i know i can't..not everything is this easy and not everything is in our control.

"Accept the things you cannot change & change the things you can". Need to work on these harder.

No gambling.....
Later diary...Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Thanks for those few kind words, Sandra! He doesn't care for open meetings and wouldn't want me anywhere near any of his, so you're probably safe. I do go to my group's, though...

Hope you're looking after yourself.

CW

Hi, Sandra,

You're quite right in all respects, will post on mine. Have a good day.

CW

Still here, cheering you on!

Thanks lovely ladies xxx

Dear diary,

Emotional day today. Sometimes they just gets me like that, outta blue :-/

Cried on a way bk home. Not for long, but again..emotions running high.
I can tell when i am not too well...i take long walks just appreciating the surroundings and trying to get some peace. It does work...me and baby B had an awesome walk in the sun..over the hills/ forests...I'm glad i am walking with companion ☺

Was thinking about my ex today..i say "ex" cause it was something between us. Still don't know what went over me but not gonna regret it because at the end of the day, it was nice feeling to have. They just pass too quick lol...am glad i didn't broke his heart and it was mainly down to straightforward communication and opening up. I had to be firm and clear. He was hurting enough to be messed about & I'm not like that!

Very glad to hear from my vollunteering peers. Been ages since i did some good deeds. Don't know why...heart/head not into it tbh. I shall try and go back on track soon...

Happy for my sister. The break we had been a turning point in her life. How amazing! ...she still goes through some not so nice spells of being "trashed" on..but, as i said...i am standing by her side. She had a choice and she chose life instead of suffering in dead marriage. ...& good on her...about time she set herself free..

Ummm...what else..not much really. No gambling to report. I go through my binges but glad they're not too long!!! You watch..I'll b back spinning tom morning...bahhh...hope i won't!

I choose life & while baby B is snoring her head off by my side, i shall say a little prayer and lay this head to get some rest too...(struggling to sleep recently..HALT in full swing)..i will get better, i WANT to.

Goodnight diary

B&S xx

Hi, Sandra,

Thanks for your post. I agree re the Fellowships that there could be too much of a good thing but focus on one and stay with it? For me re the codependency groups, I'm on to it because I also found myself becoming tearful and low. As ever, we each have to find our own answers from within.

It works if you work it so work it you're worth it.

Stay safe.

CW

Bahhhh diary....

Failed assessment centre ☹...Didn't really expected to get through but now knowing i was only 1% short is grinding me down! Lol....a little. Actually i was gonna put complaint in if i passed as the performance i gave should of not scored that high.

Never mind...i am very proud of myself for getting this far! I didn't put enough work in and so i reap the results now.

Not the end of the world!

Life goes on..it meant to be and must not be my time yet.

No gambling to report! Dragged our bums outta bed 10mins ago (what a lazies....) but heart is smiling even if it's raining outside and i found out I'm back at square one with my new career...oh no...not square one - i went further than i could ask myself 3 years ago!

Good girl Sandra!

Walkies time ☺

Stay safe all

B&S xx

Hiya,

Sorry to hear about the assessment centre. I guess what you might find is that cos you came so close, if others drop out you might find that you get a call.. maybe.

Glad to hear that your heart is smiling... thats a good thing! 🙂

Hey SA..No worries about it. It was nationwide with thousands of applicants and hundreds of places. I am not good enough for it (yet ☺).

Dear diary,

What a devastating news about Pudsey ☹..Run wild and free in doggies heaven lovely/ clever soul.

Made me think about my lil princess. I have very deep love and protection towards her. Like a child..strange, i never had anyone to care for so much. ..she is simply my world.....i love you my lil paw paw B ☺

Still at work and few hours to rack up but weekend is here. Was good to hear from GA member checking in on me. Will go back to the meeting and see how i get on going forwards...it's good to share.

No gambling to report.

B&S xx

hi S,

I would say something made you hold yourself back. If you came so close while being in a terrible place, you can pass next time 🙂

Maybe you thought you didn't deserve it, were afraid of failing so didn't try properly 100%, were afraid if you got it you'd feel you had "extra" money. Who knows what it was? We all seem to have a theme of self-sabotage, though. Myself included.

Sounds like you did amazingly, considering. Just enjoy the future potential that is clearly there.

f x

Thanks Freda xx

It was many factors why i didn't give my best...& just maybe i didn't want it enough as it would turn my world uside down. I like to help people and be a part of society for the right reasons...but permanent job would mean different shift pattern, massive drop in wage (i manage household in my own), ...and now i have a "baby" so not sure how i would manage to juggle it all.
I have to think about it because i clearly see i cannot offer my assistance even now as vollunteer..i truly have less time and maybe that's meant to be.
I tried, enjoyed being in the spin of it all, helped as much as i could....now i may need to move on.

Dear diary,

Feel a bit beaten today. My mental and physical health definitely dances to the tune of weather. My knee gone again...my back & muscles in so much pain..can hardly move.
I did crazy shift on Friday. 13hrs and back to forth driving to check on my girl. ..it was tense..so much to juggle
Day flew by yesterday..that post nightshift feeling...up in a cloud and fog taking over your head.
I was kind to myself. Fought urges for the escape...had a bath, food and chilling out eve in front of TV with my lil one...today i woke up at 1230 lol...& that's what i call sleep! :-)))))

My body hurts, my heart still bleeding of a loss of someone dear to me but figure it all out i must!

Just for today...keep breathing and believing.

Stay safe all

B&S xx

Hey diary,

I'm back from the meeting and so so glad i went! (Nearly did not go looking for excuses).

Lovely bunch of people and if i was told i will sit in a room with 12 guys talking about gambling and life, with no threat, fear or anxiousness, i wouldn't of believed it!

Was calm and spoke freely. It was good to share.

Medicine taken.

No gambling ...just for today i will abstain and maintain!

Time for snuggles with lil pumpkin and of course....FOOOOODDDD ☺

B&S xx

Hi Sandra, wish we could be both in better circumstances- i have have been thru the ringer of back to gambling whilst drinking as heavy as always 6 years wasted to heavy drinking and gambling something i'll never get back , fatherhoof just a blurr, what a self loathing ba stard i've become, the cycyle of relaspe remorse regret repeat, the feelings of dread and hoping i'd not wake up th e next day, being too scared too live and also too scared to die , stuck in limbo, not realing living or facing life, commiting suicide by installments sure is utter madness.

When i last talked to you , you had a sponsor and started doing working the steps? the last few entries you havent mentioned AA, have u stopped going. im meeting up with AA friend tonight, hope this is start of recovery for me, for the way i feel today, i can no longer go on like this and i've got a heck of a lot making up to do with my familly and i can do that by staying away from that first drink

Hey, S xx

Really pleased it went well at GA or was it CoDA? I think this kind of connection is key to recovery. It's not the programme itself, more the genuine understanding you get from other addicts and the connection. We all need connection. Lack of connection causes addiction.

f x