...

So...i am deep in gambling...why oh why dear God...why?

I have no answers. I don't really like myself. I rather be that shy/calm & a little depressed girl than this aging nasty, stook up and "clever" piece of meat!

I gamble....i still gamble.
Cannot wish for death because i have responsibilities now but i know sooner or later it will come. A lot sooner if i keep making these poor choices.

Sandra, be my friend...get a grip. Save your life as it's not too late. You're WORTH it! Just please think......FOR YOU and nobody else

JFT......just think....

Hello diary,

Had many thoughts today. About everything....life included.

Ya know, no matter what situation i am in, ...my life is good.

I just recently found love..ok..maybe not to human but my dog. I do think the connection is better and no fear of rejection. I do love my B...with all my heart. I love her imperfections lol...seriously...something so amazing to be unique...just THAT one soul on this earth.

I've been here for 4 years. I found many friends on here. I had counselling provided by this amazing site...i introduced myself to the meetings and 12 steps...tried gambling blocks.

I came very far dear Gam Carers...

I shall take it. Life is definitely on the up even if i don't see it yet. I know it will come ☺

Thank you everyone for the support and advice. You, dear Gamcare...made me who i am ☺

Thank you!

Hugs all around and i shall speak to you diary when i have something important to update.

For now, stay safe all...God....indeed - BLESS

B&S XX

Nice positive upbeat post thats good.

S.A 🙂

Very positive SA ☺

Gutted tho as think i might loose my house :-/

Gambling...destroys.

Some bad news from overseas about Mummy.. :-(.......i am still praying tho

Short as cannot put into words my feelings...i guess it happens in life.

S x

Sandra

I am so sorry about your mom. I am so sorry about your house. You are right ... It does happen in life :(. That being said - gambling will never make the pain of any of it disappear. You can't go around it. You have to go through it.

Please call your sponsor (if you still have her) or anybody from your group. Reach out... you don't do this alone.

Cathyx

((((((HS)))))))

It hurts so much because you're normal. No-one who isn't running away from their own pain finds earth an easy place to be. Seriously!

Sorry to hear about your Mum. Massive trigger right there.

I relate to the safe kind of love that can be found with animals.

f x

Thanks ladies,

Mum is stabilising and drugs she took is nearly out of her system. The thing is - she needs 24/7 care because no longer can she think for herself. This is the reality.
It's crazy but I'm a little worried to go bk home..Maybe cause she may turn suddenly and kill me or something. Now....what thoughts to have for your own mum huh....but if she is hallucinating and God forbid anger towards me triggers again..i do need to keep eyes on my back.

Jeezz...Can't believe I'm typing this but it is what it is. My fear is real....i still love her so so much... xx

Me..well..I'm a mess. Good thing - didn't have a drink last night! (Thanks S for the reminder of what alcohol does to us)...so i had 15 cups of tea! Seriously, maybe it's the habit to have something in your hand? ..gambled...a lot...until 6am this morning. Yup. ...now i can join many of us here and announce i have debts!!! (There was one time i didn't know what they are!)..

Lil B is looked after and that's the only positive thing around me...we walk, she eats, sleeps & repeats lol...she ia still as amazing as ever! But most importantly, i need to look after myself so i can look after her.....soooo.....i badly need a shower & food. Raised my arm and thought gorrilla is hiding in armpit,...Chicken sat in the fridge for 2 days and it needs cooking eventually...cut grass...trim grass, a bit of weeding..

Will have to cancel vollunteering today but there is always tommorow. I cannot help anyone before i start helping myself.

Man!!!! I hate you addiction!

w*f???!!!!! I never fell this low. ...why am i doing this to myself?

&....because I'm mad/crazy/ desperate...i will continue to gamble. How sweet these gambling brains works huh!

Stay away from these evil games guys/gals...it fooks you over like no tommorow.

Dear Lord....please...help me!

Gambling is the easy way out.. out of boredom... thats why we do it... dont choose the easy way

Dear diary,

I looked at lil B's eyes..i hugged her and suddenly realised that she has no choice but to stay with me...with this ruined person...in debt...completely broken.

I was thinking what goes through her head...i could only interpret:

"You got your head down to the screen again :-/...i appreciate my time on walkies and random huggies, food..random ball kicking, random peaceful hour snoring my head off next to your face...yet i know you're not 100% with me. You're away...You're on autopilot..you do stuff because you have to...because that's dog's & it's owners life....you keep rushing back home so you can get your head down to that screen again...that screen....???..what is in there to get you so involved and oblivious to your surroundings..what is in there for you to miss my smile, calm tap on your knee, silent pleas to occupy me more....what is in that screen????..what can be better than me..."

Random i know..but here we go. She is only a dog, but a dog who needs proper care and attention. 100%.

Sandra, you MUST get a grip what is wrong with you? Upping stakes! Maxing credit card!...w*f is wrong with you! Forget the pain and dissapointments..leave past where it belongs - behind! You hurt...but it will pass! Your Mum will get better also...your lil B will wait for you to get bk home..you will go bk to your job...you will keep looking ahead because there is no point in looking back.

Do it for you... save yourself & the world will follow accordingly..

Xxx

Ok..so 3rd entry in the last hour.. rather here than another £500 outta my pocket in the same space of time!

I'm trying to think of what triggered this madness. Nothing unusual really..life as f****d up as always.. i do believe my journey bk home plays a part here...& maybe my unsuccessful assessment centre, and maybe detoriating mummies health, holiday off work & plenty of time to just isolate?...& so here we go..many maybe triggers huh..still,i should of been in control. This is very irresponsible of me...one one of my friends knows how deep i am in (not the last 24hr fiasco tho)...& all she said was: "SaaaaaaaanГ±ndddrrrraaaaaaa...STOP"..i say i don't seem to be able to do that and that's when converse ends...she is not getting it...and it's ok because it's not her addiction...i am the greedy one.

So..i emailed asking for self exclusion (couldn't find easy access to such request) & so i shall go from there.
Should be really getting my a**e to the meeting tom but promised my vollunteering colleagues a shift and also have lil boy for two days to come...at least i won't have any opportunity to log in some nasty site...just for now...i must keep looking ahead.

Madness can always be turned into wisdom only if we want to....

# lessonsinlife

No doubt its all of what you describe that leads you to gamble. As we all know it just allows you to switch off from it all, for a while, whilst in action. Well done for self-excluding. When i exclude I go straight to the 24 hour online chat thing, which most sites seem to have. I just say am an addict, exclude me for 5 years please... and they do, they have to. Sometimes I join just so I can then exclude.

We can overcome our madness. I think we can anyway 🙂

Hi SA...thanks for the post...

The site...hmmm..I'm scared to log back in because didn't receive any emails confirming self exclusion. Yes...there is live chat thing but it takes me to questions - answers part :-/...site is based somewhere in Malta so not up to phoning them up and running phone bill on the top of it all.

4 years ago i used to gamble pennies...deposit 10 or 20...fast forward to now...100 is not enough and i have to deposit 200 at the time for it to go in 4 minutes...looked at the deposit times yesterday and it's like 600 gone in 40mins..it is madness...it is very crazy and absolutely irresponsible of me.
I am on holiday and in 4 first days of them i wasted probs 40hrs on gambling, racked up 3k debt, neglected myself and dealt with disturbed sleep.
You are right...it helps me to forget the world. I have to admit that i like it. I like gambling..i just don't like the consequences sessions brings.

Ermm..i truly don't know what to say or think. ..just swallow my pride, accept defeat, get head down to work hard and hopefully clear it all in few years time.
& just maybe try and figure out why i need these escapes. Why i am not happy with my lot and why i choose constant pain instead of peace and calm. These can only be answered with professional advocate of the mental state field.

Thank you Sis for a chat yesterday. ..world has been pretty lonely lately so a little communication did help a lot. A bit of normality came bk..

Lil B's eyes bores into me again..."back on that screen huh"....well, at least now for the good reason. Shall be grabbing for straws to get bk on the wagon.

It can only start with me...& i can only do my best.

Hi hopeful soul,

A very tough time for you. Do keep in mind that you are always welcome to contact the Helpline to talk things through with an advisor. You say that a little communication helps you a lot. We are happy to be there for you.

Kind wishes

Gabriele