...

Sending love.

What are you avoiding feeling?

f x

Hi f and forum admin...

Thank you...Gabriele, i shall be in contact with GC ...thank you for being here.

Dear diary,

Busy day. Did managed to get to vollunteering. Good job i did. Socialising helped and like from horror movie i happened to encounter situations with CG's involved....active ones. It's like mirror to reflect on my recent fiasco...i was thinking to myself how it all looks to the outside world....us addicts are being painted by the same brush of society....but i was thinking...that's about right because that's the behaviour others has to put up with...we hardly see/listen to what bull we talk, actiins make while in the mist.

Ok..moving on. Got nephew round and just tucked him safely in bed..it's ever so nice to chat to him! So so smart boy...i have learned more history than i can remember lol...and also we had a pizza each!!!!! Food was like a dream...it was amazing!

Today has been a good day . I have learned so much about my anxiety and fears...i faced my demons head on..i didn't give in for the voices telling me to go back and chase my losses...
...today i won and feel good about it!

Time for lullabies...lil B is nodding off....tommorow is another day full adventure...i shall make it a good one for them both ☺

Stay safe all

B&S xx

Hi diary,

Another day started. Very anxious today...the realisation of what i have done is hitting hard. Trying to stay positive but all i want to do is hide and isolate...also clock is ticking for the home visit....don't feel too good about it but it is what it is.

Fitful sleeps last night. Animated features kept spinning in my dreams. Makes me sick to the stomach....

Time will heal...just for today...just stay safe!

Shall go out and get some fresh air with lil boy...distraction is more than welcome esp when i want to drown in self pitty..

B&S xx

It is hard isnt it... very hard. Ive just been replying to someone in the "overcoming problem gambling" section about how hard it is. I genuinely believe that we go through intense withdrawal like a drug addict would. For the first few days after i stopped i was dreaming and fixating on spinning rhino's, pixies and bloody elves!! lol

Yes go out, distract yourself, get wet in the rain, enjoy nature on this FLAT world of ours! 😉

Happy days.. S.A 🙂

o*g SA!!!

That's exactly what i just put in my diary!!! Lol..it's like hallucinations for me...esp in the sleep!

I see Pegasus ffs!!!!...flapping those wings to fly away !!! Proper messed up mind but we gotta keep riding them out!!!

Let the drugs leave the system...start concentrating on good and real things...we will gwt there ☺

S - Fellow hallucinating soldier lol..... xx

Oh shoot....lol...it was my own diary all along lol lol..

That's it....time out!...sorry SA and everyone who got confused by this....i know I'm off my rocker for sure :-/

Bless!

You put a smile on my face... here it is 🙂 and thats all that matters lol

Enjoy the rest of your day... NO gambling ok ! 🙂

Take care... S.A 🙂

Lol SA...glad i made you smile!! (I literally got scared lol...it's not nice to know you're imagining things!)

So...just told my sister about all my recent ventures and debt i am in..strange feeling....has it made me feel any better? - No...
Now she will feel sorry for me. The only reason i told her is so she can understand a little that i am struggling emotionally. And my actions or responses to her is due to this...mood swings...ect.

Ok, she wants to help but doesn't know how. I told her she can't. I need to make the right choices and with the support of my GA group plus other CG's i can start digging myself out.

She also wants me to write house on her name! & why this didn't surprise me...but i understand her point of view...i still can get to the stage where i will not pay my monthly mortgage and loose it all...anything is possible if i don't put my act together.

So that's that. It's in the open. Feeling worse than before but looking ahead.
Tired already from all the activities today but must carry on..day is still early ☺....let's keep on pushing!

B&S xx

I can imagine how hard it must have been to tell your sister but it is good that someone knows. It is a heavy burden to carry alone. It also means that you can talk to someone about it, in real life.

Sounds like you are making amazing progress. Well done! it is admirable!

f x

Thanks Freda...

My sister knew the issue as i have told her 4 years ago...now i just spit it out as i became active again and ended up in very deep mess.
She is gonna use this against me one day and i know it...but here we go...i am not perfect as she may thought i am and life is not full of roses. I may even confess that i am on tablets for nearly 2 years...might aswell huh...

Anyway, diary,...

Back home and feeling a little bahhhhh...am putting smile and brave face for my boy but quietly drag myself to my room for occasional crying treatment (as you do) until i collect myself together again.

That's how i roll recently. Hurting inside but not showing it. Had urges today...checked the site if i am still able to log in and i am :-/...obvs nobody picked up my self exclusion email.

....I'm slowly starting to regret me moving away to nowhere on my own. I thought it was my dream....but didn't realise how lonely i will be...would like to surround myself with friends again but know that such miracles doesn't just happen lol..i need to start socialising again!

Ignore this last sentence...but....

f**k...I HATE YOU WORLD JUST NOW!!!

My life is already f****d...mission accomplished!

Sooo...went on for some more "pain" and spent last £50 on them cartoons...then, put my brains into gear and realised that live chat only available on desktop version. Found my way there...self exluded.

I wonder when i find another one so i can keep doing this to myself.

I am crazy. I lost it completely. It took me 4 days to go back to that hell i experienced 5 years ago...& tell you what - it's 100 times worse!

I was decent girl. I tried to better my career, i tried to help others by vollunteering...i suck my pain up and woked/saved hard for the house i love in now.....i got my beloved B....i have everything human being would love to have...yet, i am a compulsive gambler and all this doesn't count because it can go on a matter of days.

Addiction for you. Why i don't want to quit????...i had that desire before...what has changed?

This will kill me and i seriously don't think it's that bad :-/...death i mean.

Hiya... its s**t isn't it.. living this life in addiction. There is always another gambling site unfortunately but well done for self-excluding. The bottom line is you either get some decent blocking software or get rid of your access to the internet. Your addictive head will fight you all the way on this, just as mine will and is.

I think the other bottom line is "human connection" that feels meaningful. Like you suggest, you can have the nice home and lots of material "stuff" but it means very little if there is a lost soul inside lacking meaningful connection with others... thats the conclusion that ive come to anyway.

Ive been supporting others for decades and then i come home and sit in my flat and think, what can i do for myself? I forced myself to go out with my friend this evening and look at some art work.. am soon bored but put a bunch of spinning reels in front of me, I could watch them for days. Its sick isn't it. I am sick.

Keep working at it. things do calm when we stop, it just takes a while thats all.

Hugs... S.A (((( )))))

Sandra

I believe that the compulsion to gamble has a cycle and you are simply living it for real.

By getting away with it before in the sense that addiction didn't take everything it in my mind has remained dormant waiting patiently for its opportunity, it has taken that now and you face the crossroads.

I am equally not afraid of death, sometimes I have felt like I am already dead,that I cannot feel anymore pain.

There is another side, I am finding it, I am finding comfort with the most important person and that is myself.

I still feel deeply lonely in a room full of people but I feel a comfort within myself.

Ride the storm my friend there's an end and that doesn't mean the end.

Please look after yourself, you know where to find me, unconditionally 24/7

Duncs.

Thank you guys...xx

SA, i agree 100% with you that it's a lot to do with meaningful connection. I singled the word out "meaningful" as i never thought about it in depth. Yes....friends and connection is important, however the meaningful ones are very few and far between..that's what I'm missing - to feel myself in the presence of others.

Duncs..thank you for your post. I cried reading it last night. You always talk in undertone of calm and soul soothing..it's calming and reassuring...thank you....just thought i never gave you a hug when we met...now, i would squeeze the life outta you if we met lol....(figuratively speaking ☺)

So i made wrong choices again yesterday. I was very angry and slowly let addiction to get in. Nephew was watching TV downstairs and i hid in my room....spinning....madness..sick of myself for that!

I just feel a failure recently. Not very nice emotion to have but i must keep on pushing. I do want to live and deep down i know there is a lot out there to keep me energised for life. It's just finding that desire for living...finding connections...

Am quite lost now. Just lost...& lonely..

Will be ok, JFT - stay safe...for YOU S...

B&S xx