...

To B....

I still can't believe it, but this is so real
You came in my life and are loyal to me.
The moment I've seen you being advertised
I had a little tingle so deep in my heart.
Decision has been quite easy to make
Yet, i had last minute chats from within.
I do think that fate has played part in this
For you to cross the threshold at least.
Since you made those steps you never left my side
Early morning, late evening, day in and day out.
You bring me much joy and laughs on the way
You have no idea how proud you make me feel.
First steps in the water - you were scared of it
Now i can't stop you from adventures in that stream!
You're silent and loud
I learned what those means....
We have been a lesson
In this life of 3D.

I have let myself down
By wrong choices i made,
I cannot turn time back now
But it's never too late.

You showed me what love is
And i can't believe
That something so little
Can keep digging so deep.

I miss you already
Even if you are here by my side
But just know dear B***
I will be back in no time!

I will give you my time, attention and care
Just as i did when you found your way here.

You gave me new purpose i have nearly lost
I nearly have swapped you for cartoons on slots.
I can only try to be better me
But you by my side are the miracle which is real.

No need to look sideways, back or ohead
I do have the most important thing niw and here.....
& it's not a thing, it is breathing full life....

The life which no human can ever buy.

I thank you dear lord for giving me this glimpse
There is so many things i tend to miss
I have it all round me...i was blind to see
This time I shall appreciate what matters for me!
Accepting care and giving it away,
It's wonderful present and am greatful for it!

So my dear B...stay safe and be calm
I love you so much it breaks down the dark
The sun will be rising
So we will too
For now...just sleep peacefully
"MUM" will be back soon

((((((((((B)))))))))))) xxx

Beautiful words.

Life always offers us a second chance, it's called tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day, it's nearly here. I hope tomorrow you begin to find your way.

Much love. Thinking of you x

How come you haven't downloaded blocking software, S?

Beautiful poetry 🙂

f x

Hi f...no blocking software Hun, i have explained in previous posts ☺

Diary,

Met my sister's ex today. Didn't see him for two months but.....seriously...can people actually change when they reach rock bottom? ...i need to ponder over this because the transformation i have witnessed took me away! Pain is visible, yet fight and hope for life is still there. My hat off for him...i don't feel that strong in my side of fence.

Nice holiday. No gambling. Plenty of drink tho with nasty consequences i shall not mention on here...alcoholic huh...

Nice one anyway...

Don't give much thought for those..living for today only & every day further from pain and memories the day closer to freedom of soul!

Ciao all..stay safe

B&S xx

Hi hopeful soul,
Thanks for your response to my post.
I've just read a few of your recent posts and want to send you a great big hug.
I just wish we could sort out all the crappie awful feelings that can bombard our hearts and minds.
I mean it when I say we are all worthy and deserving of a better life. We just have to realise that and strive to make it happen.
Getting caught up in this addiction means It's sooo not easy but we always have to remember that it's not impossible.
Wishing you strength and happiness to help the sun to shine into your life. xx

How come you don't have the software? I can't remember why.

You need it if you want to stop gambling online. It's not realistic to expect our willpower alone to work 24/7. Some of them are free...

Self-excluding isn't effective anymore cos all the betting companies have about 30 different websites and keep releasing more all the time.

I really don't get this, S. It seems like bending over in front of a hungry tiger and being surprised when it bites you on the b*m.

Hope you manage to make your situation safe soon.

f x

So back to day zero.

We all know where I'm heading right.

I don't know why i am this irresponsible..what has happened? I am completely out of control it's scary..beyond scary indeed. Why i don't want to stop? Why i keep doing this to myself?

All this s*ite aside...i have had a lovely holiday...came bk to my wonderful wonderful girl....but why i am gambling again? God...give me strength and some common sense to stop.

Don't give up Sandra...not now..you can do it!

Finally allowed myself to cry. Feeling emotions getting out..that's good..cannot keep it all in for long.

Tried to download K9..still no for androids ....Bet nanny (or similar) is $59...guess what...have no money to buy it.

Open to gambling. I have always been and i know that blocks will only postpone the disaster. I keep contemplating bookies and that says it all..if i want to gamble - i will find my way.

Q is why i want to gamble? What am i running away from? I have everything i have always dreamed about...why i am this greedy to want more huh...i truly don't know!

Silly actions and as i just told my GA fella...it's emotional suicide. Truly is. To be this much out of control...i never thought i will be here but here i am...i am in a deep i never been before. Scary place to be...by my own actions.

Well...what's left?..just for the next 5mins...5hrs....whatever it takes - i will not gamble. Baby steps, have to start somewhere.

Ps. Reading a post from someone who was close to me, triggered very raw pain...very very raw but it's ok...because i need to accept it...i cannot keep running away and avoiding posts ect...it's good to face the reality..
Life was good and it can be good again. It's the actions i make what brings my destiny.

That's it for now...let it feel & subside...no matter how long it takes

S x

Hi diary,

Another day is here...better be gamble free huh..i can do this!

Went for an amazing walk this morning. Passed the 1st house i had my eye out on (but it fell through) and thought that things happens for a reason. Didn't realise that forest i go to is on that house's doorstep...lol...that would of been massive thumbs up for my lovely girl...i don't mind a little detour to get to that forest tho...the more walk the better. I would like to get back to running or even gym but for some reason i lack drive for these...am not well...emotionally i am a wreck...it's good to admit it.
It's loneliness. Am very lonely living out here. I have no one to connect to...yes, my girl is full of rewards and i should appreciate it more...i just don't know what i want to be honest.

Yesterday was awful day. I meant to be at places such as vollunteering but the last minute i made wrong choice. I guess my gambling works for me as punishment..cannot explain it...it's complicated stuff in my head...i make it hard for myself for sure.

Thinking of the journey to Rutland waters soon...last time I've been there it was hot hot hot day and my friend had her doggie with her...this time it will be me and my doggie...already feel pain of the memories and hate to say, i am very sentimental person...it doesn't always do me many favours.

I am what i am...i need to start making new memories...

I'm tired of pain i inflict upon myself. I am a CG but i don't want to give up on my future. I am worthy also..

Stay safe all...smile...life is for living

B&S xx

Sandra !

I don't know if I should be writing this or not and I'm not sure how your going to take it to be honest but it is meant with the best intentions :)).

" I am what I am " ? Yes you are Sandra but you can also be " The person you really want to be " as well , there's nothing in the rule book of life that say's " I have to keep taking all the sh1tty stuff that I don't like and all the bad memories that are holding me back , along for the ride " .

Youv'e had some good gamble free periods along the way but the way I read your diary " If there's nothing wrong you'll look for something gto be wrong " and instead of enjoying the good thing's you have you start focusing on the negative's ? . Your happy enough in your house with your lovely dog for company but then dwell on the fact that " Maybe it's not as good as the House that was yor first choice " , Life's like that honey I'm afraid , we don't alway's get what we really want but have to learn to live and enjoy the wonderfull thing's we do have .

You know how this works by now Sandra , you can't find £59 for bet nanny which is maybe going to keep you safe but you can alway's find money to gamble with right ?

Your a good person Sandra , you just have to allow yourself to believe it and move forward from it because nothing will ever be any different unless you make a difference .

If the only person you have around at the moment is your faithfull companion , who ask's nothing of you except love food and a warm place to sleep then so be it , get out and spend all your time with " B" , some of the most interesting conversations and people I've met have been while out walking my dog for miles and usually when you least expect , in fact how about joining a Doggy walking club in your area ? , there's loads about and you will definately meet some people who all have love of there dogs in common :)) and maybe just maybe that's a simple place to start ? .

Look after yoursef Hun and start working on those changes :)) xx

Yes I am tired of the pain I inflict on myself as well, so very tired...

You are worthy, so am I

Have a good day x

Thanks guys,

Dear diary.

Another morning was greeted with a long walk and peace of mind.
Didn't go to the meeting last night as chose to spend evening with my wonderful girl. No regrets..she also brings me calm ☺

Back to work today and no....don't want to!..i had nice 2 weeks off ...even if wasted around 5k in that time....5k!!!!! Man....it took me 4 years previously to save it for part of my deposit for a house.

& now I'm in debt...bahhh....what a tirade of wrong choices huh...

The only way to have money is to earn it. The only way to find friends is to get out and about.

I am still hurting...a lot and i shall keep repeating this in MY DIARY (thanks Phil...;-) ) until pain passes and maybe by miracle i will get the forgiveness i am asking for..time will show.

No gambling in the last 24hrs...this must b a good thing ☺

Take care all

B&S xx

Thank you for the good wishes....I too am trying to get out and about and make friends....sometimes easier said than done.

Thank you ☺..look after yourself and you will find what you're looking for!

Dear diary,

.

No gambling...that's about it...

Still hurt tho :-/

Goodnestone and stay safe all

B&S xx

Ps...predictive text huh lol...have an exercise in finding the "fault" in spelling ;-)))))

Diary

No good..hurting welll bad and failing to distract myself from car crash I'm heading to. Spent outdoors most of the day today hoping that fresh air will help.

Not so much luck..next step - make sure i get into work.....truly cannot afford my bad situation getting worse.

Keeo breathing...in & out

B&S xx