...

Thanks Cathy,

Extremely painful sentence to read but I shall try and explain my thought process in regards to self respect.

For me, it stems from self esteem. The question I guess is - how I perceive myself and what are my values.

I've been robbed from trying to grow and raise self awareness..esteem...Self respect as you put.

Negative, bad, not worthy...shoved from corner to corner, avoided by peers, humanity, society. Taken advantage of, used abused - dropped down and stepped over for a good measure. Ridiculed and disrespected.

Only now I am attempting to gain control in my life. Of course it will not be perfect, of course I will fall and stumble...and possibly will make a fool out of myself more than I should. I will cry and possibly pass blame, i will rage and punish myself along the way.

How far will I need to go to gain that self respect I do not know. I haven't got it.... I hardly have self esteem, only just recently I realised that I too deserve better. Do you know how hard it was for me to come to such realisation? ..perhaps that's the seed which needed to be planted. A starting point. "I deserve better"...this I believe also covers the points you raised.

Please give me time. Allow some patience. Rebuilding my life will definitively take time. Rebuilding self respect may take even longer...it's something new, i hardly have foundation for it yet.

I accept your well wishes, i truly appreciate them.

Stay well and safe Hun, all the best to you and your family.

S&B xx

Hi diary,

So last night sent the whirpool effect off and I tried to figure out what self respect means to me. Due to my own lack of understanding and not asking to clarify, i went through tboughts of " does ppl think I am walking the streets, shooting up in a dark alleyway or roll  in my own wee not knowing where i am". Kind of negative stuff if i say so myself. Firstly, why should i worry what other people think and secondly - all of us has belly buttons! ..aka...opinions..(Thank you ...for such amazing metaphor 😉 ).

So today I feel a little ...maybe worn out. From my own thoughts. Gave my body a full on concentration camp experience and spent two hours at the gym...honestly was like a kid in a candy shop seeing I'm on my own in the place and having to choose...oh  from so many machinery and weights! Pretty sure my body will "thank" Me tomorrow as I hardly walk, lift arms up or bend down due to the excessive workout I dished out throughout.

Was I punishing myself a little or was I trying to escape a bit of anxiety which arose today? Maybe both...

I did mistake (one of thousands I keep making) and brought work home. Looked into it this morning, know I messed something up and trying to stay calm and deal with consequences tomorrow. It's another lesson in life isn't it? Yes, i think it is.  Will teach me to ask for advice instead of going off on my own accord and obvs getting it wrong. ..

It is lovely to see a bit of sun showing up again, been quite rainy days recently...almost like my heart...ha! (Please don't get that violin out ???) 

I haven't gambled for almost 4 months...strangely my mind just jumped in with a reminder..." it's not the quantity but the quality of those days...alongside the inner progress you should be aiming for"...

Sound advice from myself I must say..almost feel like going bonkers "speaking to myself" but when these gems appears, how can you not listen lol.

All's good....lil girl as always, shines that light in the tunnel and I am greatful for here & now.

Blessings

S&B xx ❤

Hi diary,

Tiring day...very challenging and made me think about the sponge ?..you kind of filter all the stuff in, but either way it has to go out somewhere..leak out...and all the dirt and nasty stuff still stays on the surface.

At least I learned I have buckets of patience ?..progress! ?

Don't remember journey home either as day was cloudy as it is...and ...management just won't listen to my cries for help to be transferred closer by....but..I am here to tell the tale at least for today huh.

A cherry on a cake was Lil B bringing clonker back home ??...so instead of  letting her smear all over the place, i did what all "mom's" do and ?....???..yup -sorted it out (cleaned her b*m!)....no wonder I don't want babies lol..jeezzz.

On that cheerful note - which is only between me and you diary of course ..(& the rest of the world ?..brought some memories huh Joan ) i think its time for some zzzzzzz....

Thanks Sis for amazing response...made my day for sure ?❤.

Stay safe all...don't get too tired as you will end up writing nonsense like me ???

Blessings

S&B xx

Morning diary,

Oh what's going on with weather? My little village is completely flooded and we had more of a swim rather than a walk this morning ?.

Hope it calms down in the next hour as truly don't fancy driving in this weather...

Forgot to tell you last night that I possibly got matched with a counsellor and so hopefully can start the work soon! Do need to ring back (if time allows) to arrange it all properly. As scary as it is, ...I am finally moving forward. Please God let it be this time for me to sort it all once and for all.

No gambling today and hardly a chance which is positive - 115 & onwards ?

S&B xx

Morning diary,

Early riser following some sort of panic attack last night. I cannot describe it any other way tbf. However, little girl saved the world again and laid next to me resting her head on my neck..I think a min or 2 later I was very calm to slipped into restful deep sleep. Animals do sense emotions huh? Happiness/ sadness.. they can either sense illnesses. What an amazing God's creations for sure!

I was stressed out yesterday. The thing is, i was procrastinating a meeting I held yesterday and I worked myself up for it for 2 days.  Mind can indeed be a prison. And we imprison ourselves voluntarily. Overthinking...searching for solutions elsewhere whilst failing to see simple outcomes in front of us..which been there all along.

Perfect example of me overthinking is a fact that I hold equally important meeting today and cause of the other one yesterday, i completely forgot about this one. I gave all my attention to one matter....

Result - peaceful sleep not needing to overthink about today's outcome lol..saying that, was the last night panic to do with something unconscious telling me about today? Trying to enforce the worry and panic?

Imprisoned in your own mind. This somehow speaks volumes and oh boy, don't I know the feeling.

Something popped up on FB yesterday too..I took great deal to dig in and find the meaning in this " if you have no enemy within, outside enemies are not gonna hurt you"...what a insightful saying huh ?

So that's me this morning. Feeling a little tired but guess the cloudy morning and last two days of proper rain is not helping here. 

Gym, bath, dinner, work lined up... 

Gambling? Nahhh...I choose to be my own friend today and make the right choice.

Blessings to all 

S&B xx ❤

Hi diary,

I'm extremely peed off. What supposed to be 9hr shift turned out to be 14 hrs one ?...and for such silly reason it's unreal! Add 3hrs travel time and I'm easily doing double shift! Back to work in 8 hrs and what about any sleep, walk girl, have something to eat?..

Feel very bad for her...it's so not fair. Again..I'm thinking if I'm right person to her. For me it's bordering animal cruelty and am I better off giving her away for better care. ?...

Upset, guilty... deflated. 

I just dont know anymore 🙁

Just pay a dog walker, Sandra x x

Hi Sandra :))

I'm in agreement with Freda on that one , Bella needs you and you need her coz your good for each other , it's not a permanent shift pattern doing 14 hrs so why not have a dog walker on speed dial just in case ? . 

I also need tio thank you for your post on my diary the other week when I'd joined the moderation club , thank's for that although it didn't relax me it sure made me laugh :)) . 

Talk to you soon hun and koko :)) x

Awww, thank you Freda and Al,

Yes, i agree..something needs to be sorted for my AMAZING lovely girl. It rips my heart being away from her for so long...and it truly hurts sometimes. I shall have a look what I can do, maybe doggie day care even..im just extremely vary about other dogs & my girl's reaction following the attack earlier this year.. ?

Diary...

Exact situation as last night and to be fair im not even mad or upset or any other bad feelings anymore. I am calm..yes. ...but only cause im mentally and physically exhausted. ..to the volume where i feel I can drop off with a drop of a hat. 

Been busy day/night....but, i must admit it was a worth it. I kind of took pride in knowing I am there for a good reason...helping others.

A breather ahead as I have more time today before work tonight. Hopefully I will wake up rested and even manage gym session. 

My lil angel is sleeping peacefully by my side...to be honest, had a chance to see few staffies last night ?..hell, don't I start cooeing, petting and talking to them!!! More than ppl ??...give me a dog to pet and I will give you my world! That's pretty much where my soul is at the minute ❤

All's good...Zzzzzzzzz is calling.

G'night diary from both of us.

Stay safe all...hope floods didn't affect your part of the counties too much.

S&B xx ❤?

Hi diary,

Annoying morning (day) so far. I am aware I'm still tired and it doesn't help my emotional state but so wish a bit of peace in my mind.

No motivation presently. Gym is not appealing at all even if I know it would help me. Tried talking to ppl...but it's not giving me the benefit. Sometimes it just doesn't work which can frustrate me if I'm honest.

Counsellor didn't ring back as arranged and now I don't know what's going on with sessions. Seems like I crossed mountains to reach out (it's been v hard) and now am left in unknown. Again, maybe my tiredness is playing tricks on me here...and they are simply closed ...or...dunno...busy with other stuff. 

Gambling?..crosses my mind..but not too intense thoughts. Simply have no time for proper consideration due to the hours o keep running up this week.

So overall I'm a bit unsettled. Not sure what would help...Will try gym and also give a ring to sis to ask for a shelter tonight as don't fancy covering the distance driving this week no more. This morning was a daze..I did nod off at the wheel. ..as scary as it is, this is my life and the risks i take...however massive meeting was held yesterday (the word travelled fast) and I am told wheels are being put in motion for my transfer. ...the history of long distances in my workplace...a girl (colleague) lost her life simply cause of long shifts and driving too tired...the bells rung for 3 years for everyone, yet...the same placements are being utilised for staff. I just truly hope I won't get into the history of fatal crash after so many pleads of being relocated to different county.

That's me...happy birthday for yesterday to my lovely Dad...I love him so much! May his health stays as strong as ever.

Blessings.

S&B xx

It seems like you have a lot on your plate at the moment Sandra so I am hoping you have a nice relaxing weekend.

It is difficult to get the balance right sometimes but the health, happiness and wellbeing of yourself and Bella is what really counts.

Take good care of yourself and keep your chin up.

Stephen x 

Hi diary and thanks Stephen,

Difficult times are truly ongoing and I am on my last legs physically and emotionally. I'm not the only one, the team looks exhausted too. Everyone is irritable and snappy...Tired.

I have another shift to get through and hope this headache I had for the past 3 days will ease off. All I think about is sleep however I remember how I left house yesterday and it was a mess so automatically, I'm conscious a deep cleaning awaits on my return tomorrow (that's if I make it back safely...I am tired and not saying it lightly).

Mind is playing games and I am just extremely low and annoyed with myself. Angry for being tired lol.

I asked someone to talk to yesterday and when eventually call came in, i had nothing to say. I had no energy..simple as. I didn't want to go into the depths of my pain. I didn't engage...I run away from my emotions. 

So I still feel that weird pain. Emotional confusion and saddness. I know what adds to it and I am at a loss how to help myself. I know I need to talk...but strangely, talk to people who understands me and my struggles which are very few and far between. 

I would like to have someone I can trust. A friend I guess..or maybe a partner. Anyone to share my journey of life with. I think this is one of the difficulties i am facing - loneliness.

One minute i seem to manage it all, the next - I seem to sink into that deep dark hole. It's not easy to climb back out of it, truly is not...but I always do don't i? ..it just seems to take longer recently.

I came accross photo albums at sister's. It was strange to go through them. Yes, it did make me smile. I am not featuring on photos however I remember taking each and single one of them. From my lil nephew birth to happy marriage of my sister.

Suddenly I felt a heartache, thinking back to over a month ago. What if sister had only memories of me..not even me as I don't feature in pictures.

And so I felt a bit of guilt...and a question to myself...where has that more outgoing and "alive" girl has dissapeared? What has happened..what has dragged her so low for so long?..and will I bounce back to the life I still believe i deserve.

It's tough..presently it's really tough. I don't want to feel the way I feel now but I also feel out of my depth to help myself.

I guess...keep breathing, keep moving forward, stay safe and alert, stay true to yourself...keep believing..you got this ❤

Blessings to all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

4 months free of slots today! Yay! Very good and initial devastation and strain is somehow easing off in this respective.

Recent week was a killer! 70hrs + and felt it physically, mentally and emotionally...but I made it! Day off and even of i woke up not long ago (?) that was the rest I needed and nothing would of woke me up today. I was dead to this world.

Feel a bit rested which is good. Headache eased off. As of mental concerns..well, better than last few days I suppose however still would like to speak to someone.

My crisis team (sexual abuse one) is closed and so I cannot get in contact. Other avenues ...hmmm...not sure is MIND is accessible at this time for direct conversation. Don't feel the despair for Samaritans so at least that is a bit of lighter feeling...GC? Maybe I will try to speak to someone on here this evening.

So overall, help is out there! Don't have to suffer in silence huh.

Said my goodbies to a "brother" at work yesterday. He decided to abandon us and I for one will truly miss him...yup, same one i had a crush on lol but we developed good relationship (mutual). He teached me more than i could imagine and most importantly i felt extremely safe in his company...now, i dont know. Team is left in a bit of **** but sure we will manage..somehow.

I'm working even harder now for a transfer. Learned few avenues and buttons I can push to make upstairs move a finger so I am hopeful. ..after all, everything aside - my wellbeing matters the most! 

Lil girl resting by my side, dinner in a oven, house cleaned (yay!!!) ...a lot of calm returned even if I'm not 100%. ...but I'm not running on empty and so that is truly amazing feeling to have and so I shall take it!

Much love & blessings

S&B xx

Many thanks Sandra for the kind words you posted on my diary. You are an absolute treasure.

Congratulations on your excellent progress with stopping gambling, Nearly 4 months since you last went on the slots and that is wonderful. 

I am pleased that you are reasonably content at work although it is sad that your friend is leaving. The hours you spend travelling seems to be excessive so hope you can be reassigned to somewhere nearer your home.

Hope all is well in your country. I might be wrong but I think it begins with a B and is a bit flat. I imagine it is a pleasant place to live and I guess the people are, for the most part, quite friendly.

We are going to get a new Prime Minister soon as the last one has given up. Our politicians just shout and ridicule each other all the time which really annoys me. If they can't behave in a civil manner towards each other than they are setting a very bad example to others.

I am not a technological whizzkid by any means and it fascinates me that I can press a few buttons on this tablet and people all over the world can read it. It also seems incredible to me that people can talk to each other over great distances with tiny mobile phones. It makes me wonder what other miraculous things are out there that we don't know about yet!

Sandra, please accept my apologies for rambling on. Wishing you and Bella happy days over the coming week.

Stephen x 

Thanks Stephen..

Ha..my country doesn't start from A,B, C or D lol..but appreciate your mussings.

I live here in lovely Britain...love the weather to tell you the least! ?

So diary...massive urges today. From the moment I opened my eyes to this lovely world. Still holding on, blocks in place even if nobody can stop me to get in a car and wonder off to casino...b****r!

Since I'm sensible as pile of bricks, i decided to put my name down for overtime tomorrow. Haven't recovered yet from this set but hell, i need money, ...besides with my wonderful life surrounded by "people and friends" I decided it's the best option for me. ..it will also keep me off the bottle...so i guess win win..12hrs nighshift awaits and ...let's count those pennies huh.

Just after gym..tired as anyone could imagine but shall tackle that garden of mine which is looking more than jungle tbf. First need to get through the mine filed thanks to lil girl but, circumstances given - can i blame her?

That is me...irritable lol...but still me ?..

Let's sing a song while I get on with those weeds/ branches and God knows what else what's hiding in that garden.

https://youtu.be/OYKP2SoH0zs

S&B xx