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Hi diary,

Not sure if this will post as requested acc suspended while went through a bit of tough patch least few days. 

...and oh man wasn't they tough. Property mental hit taken but, again, I'm still standing.

Extremely sad for others and feel powerless to help them which dont really help me and my emotional state. Not sure if make sense here.

Anyway, home sweet home. ...we made it ?

Another toughtie tom as seeing another proffesional care person and not really looking forward to go through past trauma but again, i asked for help..I need to look into it.  Last few days were very close to home and I guess I am a little unbalanced. Gotta address "now" as much as "back then".

On a good note, - no gambling. Rest days are here and hopefully I can spend them wisely and in a calm manner. 

After all - it's all in my hands huh ?. Decisions and choices...and the aftermath of them.

Blessed be

S&B xx

Oh, mate. I want to draw your focus toward self-care and prioritising your own basic needs.

I'm guessing the social services contact might have been linked with your volunteering. I just want to ask you: can you save everyone? It's a painful truth to accept but once we do, we are free to accommodate our own, basic needs without shame or guilt. 

Do you know that taking full responsibility for yourself and being kind and caring to yourself to ensure your own stress levels do not exceed their limit, changes the world for other people? Just by being an excellent example of self-love and compassion. I know self-love comes hard to people who have survived things in childhood. People today are sheep. Easily influenced. They follow the masses without questioning it. I like to be an example of someone who does not follow the crowd - and to be very vocal about why. I do it out of self-love. I work only 20 hours per week because for me, 37 or more would make me miserable. I love myself and know that I deserve to be happy and healthy. I want to be a role model for self-responsibility and happiness.

Considering the above, is it self-loving to put yourself in positions like that while you are unpicking deep-rooted traumatic events and the emotions that go with it? Is it the best time to be around social services situations? I used to feel huge responsibility to always act to protect others. When I was taking too much responsibility and it was damaging my health and wellbeing, I decided "this is not my job only." "this is the work for a whole society to do". Now, I know many people will do nothing, so doing a little more than your "share" seems fine, but doing lots and lots more is being disloyal to your own needs and life. I also eventually realised that the others I was trying to "save" were metaphors for myself. Start by saving yourself. Being your own "shero". From strong foundations of really looking after your own interests, you build strong roots to make you more resilient and better able to help others. Make your own position really strong and resilient, then when you are helping others from this place of personal power, you will realise that you are not their only hope. You will realise that they can help themselves and love themselves, just like you did. You will realise that all they really need is a bit of encouragement and support and they can rescue themselves. 

Now, I know this doesn't really apply to animals or children, but hopefully you get the point I'm making and start to focus on more self-rescuing. Maybe it's OK to take a couple of years off from saving the world and focus on saving Sandra.

Hope this provides inspiration in a positive way.

f x

Awwee, thank you Freda. You speak loud and clear here and I know you're truly right. ..I wish I could postpone my life however I have no option but to juggle everything for the time being. 

I went there today, spoke, filled forms in, signed stuff...picked mine (& assessors) brain a little. ...and come back quite tired plus  with £70 parking fine on the windscreen ?☹..oh, and a knowledge of being put on 14 months waiting list for counselling...now, i think the ticket triggered gambling thoughts a little. As annoying as it is, i am being honest. Not gonna win it back (more likely lose more ) so guess best to put those thoughts to rest.

What i found very strange is to sit face to face with person and talk about my issues. I cant rememeber the time i had it in "real time". Yes i rant to advisors here, my counselling here is also online so i found it weird to see person in person and talk about me not them. I talk to people daily, listen, advice look for solutions...but it is hardly about my problems ....and problems which is quite "shameful" to talk about. .but, i went, talked and moved tiny step forward, that's what matters the most.

Now am just enjoying the sun. Really need to go to the gym but don't feel well. 

How to find that motivation and energy? 

Have sustained little physical injury few days ago so not sure how I will perform anyway. 

Lil girl is my only and best comfort I have. I love her more than I did yesterday. And i could talk about her for hours and hours. Was so glad to see assessors face lighting up after i answered a question " what's grounding you, makes you feel present and calm". I didn't think twice - My little B is the answer all along.

Blessings all, stay safe

S&B xx

Good morning diary,

Brilliant night's sleep and truly feel rested. Been a while since i had all 11hrs in a pit ??

Just told dad that I'm coming back home next month. Lovely to hear happiness in his voice....however couldn't shake images of being sent back in a white bag...just 3 weeks ago.. the reality which could of come very easily at that time. Yes, sadness surged through me whilst on a phone to dad but i snapped out very quickly and so....I shall be coming back and be with them in body, mind & soul. Truly miss mum as it's been at least 2 years since I last saw her. She is back home now, on heavy medication but in dad's care...may her health continue to improve. I feel for her as its so difficult to maintain that balance mentally and physically. ..cant wait to hug her and spend some time together..the bond of mother/daughter which cannot be broken huh.

So....plan today. Decided to paint bathroom and just maybe my room. It's madness that I renovated the place 2 years ago..all of it except my bedroom...lol..priorities huh..esp knowing that house is not occupied apart from my bedroom most of the time and yet, i didn't allow myself such privilege to brighten and freshen it up...maybe today is a sign of self care...maybe...sounds like it lol.

Then hopefully gym. Managed a good sesh yesterday even if felt a bit poorly. Kneecap truly hurt same as a little dislocated wrist but today feel like a new born. No pain, nothing....& mother nature being kind to me also so all is good!

So this is me...nearing 4 months g free. Extremely pleased, ...so glad slowly but surely I am moving away from this precise enemy of mine...I cannot win cause I cannot stop!

Much love and best wishes to everyone.

Blessings

S&B xx ❤

You certainly have a lot of stamina and a great attitude Sandra. I am impressed with your determination and also the dedication you show. Please don't overdo things in the gym though because injuries sometimes don't heal very quickly.

Many thanks for posting on my diary, I appreciate your kind words of support. 

You are now a long long way from your last crazy gamble and I congratulate you for that. It pleases me to see friends like yourself who are standing up for themselves.

Best wishes as you continue on your journey and I hope you and Bella have a lovely weekend.

Stephen x 

Thank you Stephen...

Today proves extremely difficult. I started 2 rooms with painting, didn't finish any of them.... I gave up...I went to the gym..50mins later I gave up also...

I started drinking...I think it will be one of those tonights. Just to forget stuff. I know I will go overboard but strangely I am eager to self inflict pain? Bad innit...really bad but I cannot manage my emotions today. Stuff keeps running through my mind, like a film..I cannot even pause it..just live with it..aknowledge it..yet f****n run away from it.

Ha, my life...I hate it as much as i love it.

My "land seal" is holding me together tho..

And...a chapter of my life below...to the T....

https://youtu.be/BBDN7VPlUis

How can you manage that?

S&B xx

https://youtu.be/PypbjcNxx3Y

Good tune..

Sooo..I like someone at work. The biggest bad a*s going but hell, didn't we make a connection.

We worked together few times. As hard as he comes accross from the outside, he is a teddy bear inside. That's how I call him...he hates it lol.

Issue is..he is married...but also had 10year affair. ..I did question him on that...he went silent..yeah guilt...let's move on...

Hmmmm...ya know when someone makes you feel a bit different? Is he playing a game?

The thing Is...I have got reins of that games too...still, its a toughie...we went through enough together to understand each other...

I guess that explains a lot...

Best leave well alone if he's married Sandra. Relationships built on lies, deceipt or betrayal can cause all manner of upset for the people involved.

There is no harm in friendly banter, camaraderie and mild flirtation but there is a red line which it is very wise not to cross.

Have a chat with Bella about it. If she wags her tail that means she agrees with me.

Stephen x 

Yes Stephen,..hear you loud and clear...

First of all, I'm not that kind...well, i honestly don't think so. It's  the situations we face...it does make sense tbf if you know what we are working at. It's trauma...and so we unite....

I'm not silly or born yesterday, i know what I'm up to. However there is that trauma...lol..laugh through tears, not many understands it.

It is what it is. I'm out of his league presently. I have my own issues to face...so all is cool ?

Still, this son rang few bells..

https://youtu.be/86jRh4uy9h8

S&B xx

Thankyou Sandra I enjoyed watching and listening to that musical link. Brilliant.

"I Have A Dream!" ....  That gives me plenty of food for thought.

I think it is good to have dreams, along with hope's and aspirations and if things don't always work out as we would like them to, well that is all part of the adventure.

Stephen x 

Hi Sandra. I have must been on youtube having a look at the "Chimps Paradox" which you mentioned recently. It seems quite interesting.

Stephen x 

Hi Stephen..hi diary...

Oh dear.. look at that mess ?..whatever i tried to achieve yesterday, i succeeded and feel rough as hell today.

Last memories is getting to bed but crawling back out and hugging toilet for a good hour. ..extremely charming!

Consequences - today will most likely be written off. Didn't realise I like milk so much either as the whole pint has been consumed in a space of an hour..lol..

This will teach me...no point getting into the mindset of self destruction as result will be more pain and misery.

Don't think I will recover for the gym today either. ..so another lesson learned...

And what all this about fancying work colleague ?. God if he would read it he would most definitely take the advantage to raise the game...madness indeed!

Positives: still g free. Hopefully will be kind to myself with plenty of r&r today. ..maybe even duvet day.

I honestly need a good shake and a slap round the wrists. .silly silly girl! What are you doing to yourself...

S&B xx

Hi diary,

What a day! Have zero sympathy towards myself and too right, i had to deal with the consequences. In all fairness i was waiting for mind to catch up with my body (which was shot all day) and take me to the spiral down to hell... it did came briefly but didn't grip me as much as i was expecting. 

I started a course I was adviced to do as preparation for the counselling....which yeah, was difficult but now I know more coping mechanisms how to "control" flashbacks or nightmares.  Yes, i guess it was very helpful and I shall remember for the next time when unannounced visit takes place.

Thought a lot about mental health today. How important it is..how difficult it is to deal with it and how necessary it is to ask for support.

From where i stand today, i cannot see a single chapter in life being done by yourself...maybe you can do (I did) but...it usually gets you to the breaking point. So yes, support and help is a priority in the walk of life..no matter who or how....we just cannot really do it by ourselves.

Much love and blessings..I have weirdly so much more to say but my head is not truly cooperating at this time....

S&B xx

 What are you doing to yourself...

That is the million dollar question S along with why. Next question how can you treat yourself with more respect and kindness?

Cathy