...

Thank you Bal...it just breaks my heart knowing how difficult times you had/have to go through. I am pleased to read that lil one is back home and looking over all of you in spirit ❤

Hope your & Mrs Bal health will improve. Dont wait for New Year's resolution..make an action now! Healthy body - healthy (ier) mind indeed.

Dear diary,

SA's post broke my heart a bit more. Such a lovely guy and struggling so much. Addiction has taken everything away..the comfort of life....that little comfort where we take for granted and still moan about bus being cold or overcrowded. For some a bus is a way of connection..somewhere safe and comfortable to travel in..to avoid cold rain and hurting feet as a result of walking....

I once again jumping in with financial support. One - why not. I earned extra quid this month and so can afford it. Two - we are all human beings and who knows when i will need the same extended hand.

I used to give money away to people on here. On few occasions. I thought this will fix them and take them out of despare...eventually i believe i just put few extra logs in the fire to keep it burning...not good. Main thing, good positive intention is there...

I also offered safe and warm place to stay for people on here few times.  Esp after reading of the circs where kids are involved. This also broke my heart.

I dont think those acts are asking for some kind of acknowledgement or "look at me good girl", nor i am the mother Teresa.. Its human nature isn't it? To help instead of smirking or "walking over" someone in need.

SA bluntly refuses my help. Says he needs to suffer for the actions he made. I understand this partially but its hard to see someone beating themselves up this much...its not healthy and its mot helping to find that glimpse of hope going forwards.

The other day i went to see distressed people. Simply they wanted to access their premises but "that" rough sleeper was laying on their door step. It was cold evening and it was raining. "That" person had needles and all sorts on them. I understand people's concern. But i also understand that the person made choices in life which fuelled their position for the worst. Again...the addiction.

The person was shivering and asked for a blanket. Was it part of withdrawal? Possibly but it was cold outsode too. I rummaged through my boot and found a blanket..passed it to the person who was wrapped up in a quilt already. Before i knew it...there were so many people emerging with scarfs, gloves, hats, coats...from everywhere! I thought to myself - humanity still has heart and understanding. It warmed my heart as much as it did for the suffering person.

People who suffers are not here to hurt you or fight you. They suffer, they hurt, they lost their way. 

On that note (not sure where all this came from) i shall make a move. I am blessed to have a warm house, loving doggie, food on the table and warm bed. So what that im lonely...things does not have to stay the way they are..

As long as i keep making the right choice and keep aiding me and others around me...i will, too, find my way.

S&B xx

Glad to hear those little things are still lifting your spirits. I felt a bit down today, nothing serious but not feeling great - I got to changing rooms in the gym and on the radio, a single mum of 3 children won £30k! I could hear the strain in her voice, that things hadn't been easy at all for her. Such joy to hear her dreams coming true! The load has been lessened for her.

Good things do happen.

Important to remember!

f x

Ta Freda!

Some really good and inspiring posts recently. As difficult to read about past trauma a lot of thruth is being said about it not just suddenly dissapearing. There are triggers, there are anniversaries and there are those drunken nights which triggers past memories...but...there are also organisations and support to help manage the emotions, triggers, flashbacks...so good on everyone who is reaching out for such help because we dont have to live having continuesly to look over our shoulders...much love & strength to everyone who fights those precise demons ❤❤❤

Ohhh...i was back in A&E last night. Bloody stomach innit! Put on a drip (hate needles but was told im a good bleeder..lol..didn't know how to take that comment!). Was almost bedded for the night too but that scared me that much i nearly ran away with all cannula's planted in my veins!..eventually i asked Doc for strong painkillers so i can do what i have to do today and stay on my feet...all loaded now lol..i think medication pumping through these veins instead of blood but hay ho!

Im very sorry but NHS is rubbish..at least in the neck of woods where i live. ..so want to get to the bottom of this its unreal. Sister almost sat me on a plane last night saying to continue investigation back home. .yeah, medical progress and knowledge is better there however comes with quite large price...not sure what i will do...lets give this a go here first and go through the mill of procedures.

Couldn't come at the worst time either as today im on fitness day..ffs! Not good but needs are must!

Was "dripped" strong meds before getting discharged last night and still seems to work now..just need to last another 14hrs lol..c'mon, i truly want to do this instead of being restricted at work..that would be booo from capital B!

Hope everyone is Staying safe and well. Look after ypir bodies and minds...we only have one each of those and those matters the most!

Ps. No gambling ?

S&B xx

My goodness! you have been through the mill. Is this your body starting to buckle under the stress of all those hours?

My dear friend, I hope you can put your health first before something serious comes of it. Only you can make that choice. 

Sending love and light to you x

Hello Sandra. I do hope you are on the mend.

Your health has certainly suffered recently and I sincerely hope you get everything sorted out. I cannot understand why you were not kept in hospital for a while under observation.

Please take good care of yourself. You have wisdom, understanding and courage so now is the time to put it all to good use and get your health and fitness back. 

My thoughts are with you and I wish you well.

Stephen x 

Thanks folks..not to worry..im up & running...on almost empty but still moving ?

Yesterday was tough. Not exactly tickling experience and do have some bruises to show for hard work & dedication. Body in agony today but kind of comfortable "beaten" feeling lol..almost muscles ache post good gym session.

Cleared the prescription last night and walked away with £27 off my purse and 3 different packs of medication. Awaiting proper course of action in investigating this issue which shall commence next week. As long as wheels are in motion and i got referrals for departments concerned, i shall go along with it.

Sister is angry! Still bangs on about that plane! Strange when people express concern and worry through anger huh...no need to shput at me about it...but, bless her....enough said.

Spoke to the adviser today and am just not sure why. Am i feeling sorry for myself or im looking for guidance..or a hug or..basically someone to feel able to freely speak to..whilst awaiting my counselling slot. Surprised me not when adviser kindly got rid of me lol...so reminds me my job is unreal. The tactic to get rid of not really important information and "ranting" individuals. Understandable & forgiven indeed ?

Work in a moment. Got so much to catch up, feeling that hole in stomach opening up already ?. Apparently i also f....d up and linked documents to the wrong file. How to rectify this i do not know but shall give it a go. As far as i remember, the system doesnt let me to delete stuff..maybe i shall just mark it as "ignore" or " do not use" or "please close your eyes here"..lol..laugh through tears really..i keep making mistakes not even realising it. Lack of concentration i guess but also...when i go 200mph its difficult to keep the momentum and focus. It is indeed crazy. Anyway, this is not acceptable and i shall deal with the consequences.

Have had few urges recently. Thinking that gambling will take pressure off..how addictive thinking is that huh..im very sick..very sick gambler indeed.

Right, lets go and see what i can note on other diaries.

Blessings all, stay safe

S&B xx

Evening/ morning diary,

Have been aggitated today..all.day long. Almost quit again (as i do time to time) and just really struggled with everything from start to finish. 

Then come back home and almost collapsed in the heap of tears. Not sure what's up..thinking about gambling, bank, finances, work, physical health, parents health and how to manage another 4 shifts. I don't know what day it is to be fair. Every day is work...like i never leave the place. Its exhausting..truly is.

But what is the alternative? Gambling...drink?..loneliness and isolation. 

Why i have no life as other ppl has?i don't seem to have joy and spur for life.

Just this heavy feeling..most of the time.

Will it change or will it stay as it is? ..well, another day will tell huh.

God i dont like winters. Affects me well bad...saying that, i dont enjoy summers that much either now..what the hell is going on with me today?!

Probs need a good slap round this mug.

Rant over.

Stay safe all, blessings

S&B xx

So a reasonable 6hrs sleep brought me to today. Some inspiring posts around the site and good to see some old posters coming back to share their journey.

Briefly thought about GA. Been there few times. Maybe should reconsider meetings, esp on rest days which are usually a trigger. If i could take Bella with me, that wouldn't be an issue i guess. I recall people bringing their dogs in AA meetings. ...awweee...extra calm feeling around. .not sure sure people would sit calmly with staffie running around lol..but if they knew what a sweetheart she is!!

Anyway, few things to think about esp im now approaching day 100...again...what has changed? I dont really know. Not much, except im holding on. Am i struggling with urges...yes. i have my days indeed but not to the extent i did at the start of this journey following my latest relapse. 

I am still extremely isolated. The worst i have been i believe and tbf its just harder to break this precise cycle...changes....ohh those changes...

Glad i put as much blocks in place as i could. It truly makes the next bet to come to fruition a lot harder.

Liked V's post regarding moderating posts. Since im on moderation myself, doubt my input will be published ?..sorry to be a nuisance to staff & users on here...but, ..hello - its me!

So there are positives and negatives. Im almost following the current and as i said to someone last night...currents does change the direction.

Need to get a better grip.

Stay safe & well all

S&B xx

It's a classic catch 22 that a lot of people end up in - they are scared of having spare time because they have nothing to do, so they might gamble. In order to have something to do in your spare time, you have to build relationships and interests - BUT when you are working all hours to keep yourself occupied, you don't have the energy to go out and be sociable and take risks.

I don't think there is an easy way around it but I think strengthening good self-care skills, while gently, gradually, moving to a less busy schedule, is a good move. I'm in this process myself, in a way - except my body hasn't let me work lots of hours, for many years now. I have to have plenty of rest, or I just don't function at all. For me, the building stuff to do, into my life had to start with easier things that weren't too social - like going to a yoga/zumba class once a week, where I might exchange a few words with regular goers but not too much social pressure. I started visiting cats at the shelter, where I'd see the odd person and chat for a couple of minutes maybe. I'm still trying to build it up to more connected stuff but it is taking me a lot of time. All I can say, is the more you build "a life" whatever that means to you, everyone is different, the less scared you get to have time on your hands.

Hope this makes some sense. 

I love the pic of Bella! 

Oh winter blues all around us today.. Don't gamble.  Come onto chat later if you can.. 

Life does seem hum drum but is the grass greener??

I don't tend to believe what everyone says about there so called perfect lives.. At least like us we have a purpose and with that purpose we do what us humans do best and that is survive.. 

Tomorrow is another day. Another dawn.. Things can only get better. Take care

Hi Freda & Boo Radley...thank you for the replies. Found them extremely inspiring...none of us are perfect, that is correct and we can only do our best for our lives...on its terms.

I hear you loud and clear Freda..little steps...little tipu tapu into outside space. Strange because i meet new people every day with my job...and somehow finding connection with "society" is becoming more daunting with every day ?. Maybe good change is needed indeed..probs a good wild night out would put me back into place of life lol..who knows....who knows...

I thank you for your support, both of you. Don't feel as lonely with my thoughts...

Dear diary,

Is it some kind of national " let's draw that gambler back in the game" day?! Received about 7 emails from gambling sites! 4 of them i never heard of! What is going on!..or is it " share users details day"? ..not happy..i didnt get any emails for a good while..and now...7 in one day!

Rant over. Just was taken aback by the amount of invites..

So.  Got an important call from counsellor to book apt earlier today. Guess what...worse time possible lol. At job, multitasking with all the sounds possible going in the background..told her to ring back tom if possible...now thinking am i gonna wait another 3 weeks for the slot ?...it is what it is...as long as they haven't forgotten about me.

Work was shockingly busy. Felt like the only person in the country having to "s**t" on all corners...if that makes sense? ..like to be everywhere at once..no chance Jose! ...but i did try actually. .

Physically exhausted..mentally not so bad..nonsense all around me so not taking much in.

Actually opened a beer just now! Me time on my terms because....without swearing - two mid fingers up the world! (Not as angry as i may sound ?)

Just need a rest i guess...this is taking a bit too much out of me.

Nite all, stay safe, stay sane.

S&B xx

Well..as suspected, counsellor didn't ring back ?. I guess im back on a waiting list. Shame but i just couldn't keep that conversation yesterday...truly couldn't. ..ah well, best dry these tears and move on.

Almost see finish line with work which is amazing! Im on the last straight! Yeepee! Been a hell of a week. I thought its Friday today until was told otherwise...lol...thats how much i keep on top of my days ??‍♀️?‍♀️.

Came back to the cave today and actually its very quiet again. Left lil gorgeous girl with her cousin so she has some company and planning to pick her up tom morning after work.

Went to the gym and had good hour & a half sesh. Feel a lot more refreshed even if was bouncing off the walls from early morning (maybe meds im taking??). 

Not much urges recently...and ah..i socialised a little..i.e. spoke to gym receptionist and moaned how cold it is and how frozen i was last night being left in a middle of nowhere for few hours...lol...guess she won't look forward to speaking to me again after this ?..bless her heart! ..joking here...she sees me with Bella as she says and im very happy she aknowledges how amazing breed she is! (Bella that is)

That's me. Possible chat cause sleeps are not coming and then journey back to the coal place for a nighter ...life!..oh life.....oooohhhh liiiiffeeeeee..oh life. (that is actually a song lyrics by  Des'Ree....but since i cannot post links.....?)

Stay safe all..blessings

Ps. No gambling to report!

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Day 99...mixed feelings actually. Last night, during group chat i had a little silent cry. Just felt very out of place..alone...nobody seemed to talk to me and even if i know these are normal and reoccurring..yesterday strangely got to me. Maybe a bit of reflection on myself too..

Also must take into consideration tiredness. Feel it now. 8th shift on a way and ..im just tired. Want it all to stop. ..need a break...a break im quite frightened of because i know that usually it not exactly works out in my favour. Feeling a bit of a hamster wheel situation..

Ummm..cried this aft also. My mum's bday next week and after i realised that she will be 74  ..i had tears streaming down this face. She has been so poorly all her life..always on tablets..and she keeps pushing on..of course with the help of my dad who is not made of steel himself. Just chatted to him and something is up..i know (can tell) that mum is having her depression/ schizophrenia episodes and dad is left to deal with it. The man is post eye op, under doctor's note presently, hardly sees...but he said he can't wait to go back to work...and i know why...:-(....however he would not disclose his worries. Upsets me a little that he chooses to keep troubles within.

Also had  a bit of shock with work last night. All gossips were put to a stop and we were told about one co worker who...basically ruined his marriage...my line of work is..well....i guess it just shocked me as i held a lot of respect for the man and never thought he would do such thing. Made me also think about what changes in ones head when temptation of an excitement gets too high. The thruth is...we all can get into that place no matter how much we deny we wouldn't do anything like that and will always be sane...im not even trying to go into these mussings. Not concerning me at this stage and tbf im just too tired for everything.

Counsellor didnt ring back. ..still a bit sad about it.

Life goes on.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hello Sandra. Congratulations on your excellent progress. It is 100 days since you last gambled and that is a wonderful achievement.

There is no stopping Sandra who has a heart of gold

Compassionate, courageous and also rather bold

Forward goes this lady with both inner strength and charm

Please treat her very kindly and keep her safe from harm

Stephen x 

Hey, SANdra xxxx

Chat can feel like that when it's busy. Sometimes I just sit back and listen. Sign you're feeling sensitive and tender at the moment. Many reasons, by the sound of it. Would you ever tell the room you were feeling that way? I think it would be welcomed, OK to need a little reassurance once in a while. It's not a nice feeling, I have it from time to time, as well. Some days you just want a little attention. You want to be asked, rather than just announce your thoughts. You want someone to take an interest. I usually find a way to talk one-on-one when this happens. Samaritans, netline, whatever. 

It's hard when you're expecting a support worker or counsellor to call and they don't. I remember a few years ago now, I was a counsellors first appointment on a Monday morning, at 9am. One week, I was really glad to be going somewhere where I could talk, offload and be heard. She must have been off sick. When I realised she wasn't coming out to get me, I wept in the waiting room. Would normally feel too self-conscious for that but I just had no energy left to hold it in. Logically, you know they are just people who get sick too, messages don't get passed on properly, but it can feel personal when you feel very low.

You deserve to be heard and to get your needs met. 

f x