...

Well, looks like chat option is not available tonight. Really could do to speaking to someone but it is what it is. I guess my shy side of not wanting to take someone's time up has well and truly kicked in again....?

Umm..haven't been too good for the past two days even if said "im ok" when asked. 

Greatful for life today i guess...

Im strongly reconsidering my choices i have made to better my life but which kicked back to my backside instead.

Enuf said. No gambling.

S&B xx

Hello @sb28,

Sorry to hear that you have not been available to reach an adviser via the chat line tonight. It is definitely available and would urge you to try again and someone will be available to take your call .

Kind regards

Forum Admin 

Hope you have an easy day SB28.. Take care Boo radley

Hiya... 

Yes the phrase "I'm ok" is a phrase I often use even when am clearly not. I hope your feeling a little bit more on the up today. But if your not then soothe yourself by hugging the dog, the duvet and yourself 🙂

S.A 🙂 x

Hi, thanks all...few difficulties persists with stuff &talking..it is what it is.

Diary,

Firstly, ..happy bday my sister! Hope you have a good day today. Hardly get a chance to tell you i love you and yes, yesterday you did look upset. ..almost felt like you want your own space. You never usually just go for a drive...in fact  - never to my knowledge. Hope you're ok. Sorry i couldn't offer listening ear if you wanted to talk..work...is work.

I shall see you shortly and will hopefully make you smile on your big day.

As of me, im.still in a little daze with life. Difficult times. Depression is taking over i think. Again, i just don't know how to help myself. Talking helps but presently really struggle to find the right person for a chat...and so i let it build up...concerning times.

Not much else to add...life indeed goes on....no gambling

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Diary,

Today was interesting. ...in a way. I may be high on coffee (6 mugs consumed) but i feel strange.

My sister's birthday went well. We had a cake and coffee..and a chat. She was greatful for my present which was money she will put towards the ring she wants. She was happy today which is good as yesterday i was a little worried.

She is vsry loved person. The house is full of flowers! So many beautiful bouquets and ll that..Gucci, armani and chanel stuff...bahh..she is a queen for sure. I am a little jealous. Jealous that she is such nice person she has so many friends around her..im happy for her even more...she deserves all the best in life.

I also got nails done today. Yes, happy with it. New pretty shape..lol..all lady like indeed ? also like the colour...once upon a time i hated pink ....hhmmmm..i guess times changes people.

I managed to identify the reason for my recent low mood. (Weather & tiredness accusations aside)..i am due on - always sends me under and i also had PTSD encounters which i guess i tried to ignore for the past week. It will be a year anniversary shortly and today on my travels i passed the address. How desperately i wanted to go in and comfort the parents..honestly my heart ached...but i can't. I simply can't...however, it will stay with me being such massive part at the time...i noticed i thought about it daily but guess subconsciously tried to put it to back of my head until today when i went past...

Yup....i am sad. And i guess its alright to be sad and feel these emotions. Someone elses pain...its alright..we are all humans after all.

I stayed at work for longer than should of. Why?needed to be around people i guess..was switching between screens not even looking into them so i can just sit in a room..maybe also a cry for connection and company..who knows...and maybe i just wanted to be around souls.

It was good day at work. It actually felt like ive been there only for an hour instead of 8. Time flew by...met many people...did few good and caring deeds..this is good emotion..positive.

Back to my lil girl. Missed her. Don't see much of her recently. Not usual working hours so im sleeping and then doing late shifts..and back sleeping.

I guess that's me. Strange feeling..really is. Mind almost floating in the air...is it excess of coffee or is it emotional exhaustion?..maybe both.

No gambling,

Stay safe all

S&B xx

I sleep a lot in autumn also - maybe we are part squirrel? hahaha!

Ha Freda..yes we are..hibernation i suppose and nothing wrong with that.. xx

Diary, 

Emotional morning so far. Bank rang me to ask how i get on and go through the accounts. I have no issues with repaying stuff and looks like last time i was in overdraft was over a year ago for £10. ..which is good she said...im doing well.

When she asked of i want to change anything on the accounts and so on..i immediately thought enough is enough and asked for the gambling transactions to be blocked on my cards. The embarrassment was quite strong. ...but then she was so supportive, underatanding and reassuring and told me she so appreciates my honesty because its not easy to admit something like that..it actually send tears flowing for me. I almost felt like coming clean to the nation. I remember my chat with one of the controllers on here few months back who said that banks already know as they see the transactions..it was not enough to me to make that step back then..felt very embarrassed indeed..

Bank account sorted..i was in mid chat with the department for my cc to do the same but other call came through..so i didnt really finish with them but shall make a call myself shortly whilst im determined to block every way possible in accessing the sites.

The other call came as surprise and a bit of a shock. But it is what it is. "Do the crime - expect some time or even "life" consequences". I accept that.

Feel proper shaken up and guess its good. When reality slaps you round the face the wake up call is something what follows. Good...maybe this time i got it.

Day 90. 3 months without gamble...so short time but also large leaps has been made.

God..really emotional. Need to calm down.

Stay safe all, keep on winning for real

S&B xx

More to the above.....

It actually made me think. We are quick to judge and put restrictions/ action plans in place (im similar with my job unfortunately) instead of asking one simple question " so what's wrong? What makes you say/ do things you do? What hurts, what lacks, what is making you to be someone you're not? How can i help/ support you? How can you help yourself?"...many many other questions may follow.

It truly made me think of so many issues being overlooked and the core troubles are left unattended.

Life is cruel. We dont listen to each other or silent cries for help which we express in strange behaviour for sure.

There is always a reason for everything in life. How we go about it is down to us.

S&B xx

On a third post today...must be out of sync.

Im upset...teary. i was in the place in my mind earlier i prayed i never have to go back to & i would never wish for anyone..but i did go there..in a middle of the gym session, i collapsed mentally, i started crying silent tears. I wanted to die. And this upset me even more because reasons for this emotion should come second or third in my life..yet, i put it first. Maybe cause this place means much to me? And maybe cause deep down i know im a good person..yet i cannot show it on the outside. It is possibly frustration for me not being able to do so. Frustration upon myself.

Its been difficult day. Tired and ..basically a bit stripped off my "ego"..here is bank  here is gamcare, here is my own personal life...all of those goes around my gambling problem..irony huh...

I cancelled two of my 4 days off. I shall go to work. I know what it may do to me but i need to do something rather than nothing...i need to keep momentum of my new found life. ...not perfect in any way but...life on its terms...helping..assisting...supporting...risking...

Bells is here..sleeping peacefully by my side. Its like i could never get enough of her. She is amazing medicine indeed.

My thoughts are distorted...so much to think about..mind you, half of it should be dropped but since i need to analyse everything, i shall go with my mind.

Still day 90. All banking enquiries done. I am blocked from gambling transactions...does this also makes me feel sad?

S&B xx

Yes..boundaries & balance...getting back to the middle.....

Hiya...

"blocked from gambling transactions"... that is very good news. Of course it makes you feel sad, cos your addiction didn't want you to do that.... but rest assured if it stops you emptying your bank account some day  in the future then that's a good thing.

90 plus days gamble free.... well done! 🙂 x

Hi diary..thanks SA!

Muscles aches from workout yesterday. Had like 3 days gap lol...back in again today & hopefully quick session tomorrow before work! ..got fitness test on Monday but feel prepped really..breezed through 5k yesterday in 25mins whilst in deep belly pain (women stuff).

Thinking of good treat of a diner today..chicken..trimmings....yuuuuummmmmmmmmm! (Hungry indeed!)

No gambling and yesterday is history and my low feeling passed...for now...gotta appreciate these moments lol! Will pop in chat later on if able to!

Stay safe all, blessings

S&B xx

I managed a good gym session today. It was rewarding. I like my body when its tense & muscly.  Worked on legs and torso today (not forgetting arms). 

I felt sad afterwards however. Gym does not keep my emotions up for long..too much goes on in this mind.

I spoke to one of the best advisers on here. ...how much weight has been lifted off? Its unbelievable. I had to share what bothered me for a while and i am glad that....it also helped someone else....thank YOU for listening.

I cooked chicken with potatoes and tomato salad. Me and Bella had a feast ?. She always makes me smile. I gave her attention today, like being back home with a loved one.

Tomorrow, however im back on my travels. I mentioned my hairdresser today that i feel lile a traveller. I only come back home to wash stuff and briefly rest up. Back on a road as of tomorrow.....bells will be with her cousin..as long as not on her own...❤

Wage gone in the bank. My hard work payed off...no wonder its easy to get addicted to overtime. ..but needs must..xmas on a way....

Anyone seen the Lewis advert? With a dragon?...it made me cry today. Little things brings spirit to life...the company never fails us down huh, amazing ads every single year going..still my fav...last year's, the doggie one ?

Blessings all, stay safe

S&B xx

S&B

Thank you for the post on my diary. We are doing ok. Dickie dogs ashes are home with us where he belongs and he sits on the mantlepiece looking over everyone probably scrounging for food!!!!

Healthwise Mrs Bal and I need to take a better grip on things and get to the gym more but all in all we are doing ok.

Best wishes to you and yours

Bal x