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I don't understand how leaving the diaries will help Sandra.

We are your friends and will miss not having you around.

By all means get involved with other stuff but please stay in touch and keep us posted from time to time as to how you are getting on.

Stephen x 

Ditto Stephen's thoughts. Put your diary down for a bit and let it gather dust but pick it back up again at any point. Its always here....

I will keep in touch, if not on here then on Fb... S.A x

Take care.. I can only reiterate what others have said 

Boo ?

I don't care what anyone else thinks. I don't want you to go. :'( 

Hi Sandra.

A big thank you for all your song alerts and here is one for you:

Don't Leave Me This Way by The Communards

Stephen x 

Cheers folks, hope all is well with all of you.

I got a reminder yesterday of my service use. Shocked me completely. The decline from 2017. ...unbelievable

It was an amazing point raised which im thankful about. I have compulsive personality. Also, i get attached to people, situations, places etc.

Now....its all very good in the world to get support and be shown a way forward. But what about when its time to leave? What about attachment created during the time in here? What about recovery after recovery if that makes sense? Recovery from this site?

I only now realised (7years later) that we are here to be guided and quite frankly moved on. We are helped to find our paths in life and then waived goodbye. Ultimate goal of GamCare. Never seen it this way. They are my friends. I broke many boundaries unfortunately but that's something i need to "change" within myself.

So, 2017 was when my best friendship broke down. Since then i went downspiral indeed. Still cannot recover from that. I see the pattern. Scary indeed.

In order to wean off from here i need to start creating life "outside". And thats what im failing at. Now im asked what they can do to help me to move away and to be honest there is nothing at all...because it must start within me. If i haven't got that mindset, i will not budge. Its sad reality. It truly is. Why i cannot create healthy life i still don't know.

I haven't gambled. I struggled big deal this month which felt like a year already. January...January blues. Batted them off but they came back with a double force. Mess at work and home life. And here i am...on my own still...still searching in this dark.

Sigh..what is life with spiritual wellbeing? Will i ever know? 

Im stuck in this cycle...and i dont know how to help myself to get out...when a good place to be and stay becomes one of the problems in life, there are many questions to be answered within.

I am scared to venture to those depths..

S&B xx

.... but don't condemn yourself, because your finding it difficult to move on. I am much the same. I can talk recovery until the cows come home, but I struggle to live it... and I know that if I completely move on from this place then I will have even less in my life than if i stayed.. so I stay. In any case I quite enjoy writing my thoughts just for the sake of writing my thoughts... so b******s to it. I don't really care if my diary is ten times as long as anybody else's and I don't think Gamcare has a policy of  "we have told you what recovery is..now b****r off" lol

Also remember this, the majority of people who come here don't make it into so called "recovery"... they just go back to the life they had been leading once the crisis that brought them here in the first place has passed or not as the case maybe.

At the end of the day, most addicts, me very much included have a lack of connection in life and addiction fills the void. Its like a modern epidemic. We were never designed to live our lives alone, but many of us do and I mean a lot of us, but we shouldn't be chastising ourselves over this.... it is a part of modern life. We travel, we get jobs away from friends and family, we disconnect, it just happens.... and its really hard to re-connect. And I don't know about you, but half the time am so tired and worn out from work that all I really want to do when having time off is chillout and relax... and with me also its cos ive never got any money in pocket to go anywhere....

.... and I also think to myself, do i really want to travel half way across the country, to re-invigorate an old friendship or create new one's... to be frank, its just all too much... or ot feels too much cos am so trapped in my comfort zone.

I watched this TED talk on Youtube. It was from a GP who didn't know to do with the vast numbers of people whom were coming along to surgery, who were basically isolated disconnected people and prescribing anti-depressants didn't really make any difference to anything. As we know it was "connection" that these people really needed. Anyway at the surgery there was this garden area out the back and he started "social prescribing"... a way of bringing people together to do some gardening and meet each other..... and yes, it had a positive effect.

As for my life I don't really have any answers. I have something of a connection with one of my neighbours, we drink coffee and occasionally we go out for a beer, its nice and its on my doorstep. I have another neighbour that moved in months ago. I have never seen her since the day she moved in. She seldom comes out of her flat. I have another neighbour who has no interest in even acknowledging one's existence, complete lack of eye contact and another neighbour whom is so hooked on heroin that he's always in a rush to get more of his fix, tin foil in hand lol I think what us human beings need is connection on our doorstep, so we can at least stand a chance of moving away from unhealthy behaviours....

Ramble over 🙂

Hi SA..

Thank you and i didnt implied about the length of time we are on here. I guess i meant contacting GC buddies for support & not the use of diaries..im glad you're here, shows fighting determination and spirit.

Diary,

Carnage. Complete carnage made by me. Had a bit too much to drink last night and so the tiger started rattling the cage. ..to the point it all got dismantled and broken..Big time. Im looking at pending posts (all 8 of them)and it makes me sick really. Jeez, what have i become.

I know the email will follow tomorrow (big boys/girls dont work weekends) and it will declare my ban. My own doing indeed. I guess the email i got few days ago affected me more than i realised.

I got few scratchcards yesterday too. 3 pound down the drain but it is what it is. No slots...thankfully.

Head bangers today and im still very much so shocked about my behaviour...oh dear is all i can say.

No words of apologies can fix this now.

...all is left to say - stay safe all. For your own sanity and peace.

S&B xx

I joined GC in 2013. Was working tirening 12hrs shifts. I did so full of fear. Still remember my first calls. Lacked confidence indeed, felt very ashamed...plus my language.

I wasn't in debt then. I didnt know what it means when people asked. I thought it is about how much i spent on gambling...and back then was a penny games..

I made good connections on here back then. I guess my innocence shone through. I was very vulnerable and quite shy. Very supportive i guess i can say too.

Then i did few good runs at gf... possibly few occasions for over a year each. I met very good friend who somehow made me to look for real help. Address my alcohol use. The person also shown me the way in life. Still to this day i don't think i had this place if not my friend's advice and help...shown me the way forward in life...good times.

Fast forward, couple of small lapses and my "horns" showing, i changed jobs. I travelled over counties to day job. One night was quite awakening as i had a car crash which gave me a good food for thought. Maybe felt blessed to survive...

Very shortly afterwards i bought this house...few months later - my baby girl arrived at my house as a rescue.

I made a mistake by ditching AA and my sponsor. Those were good supportive network...but it is what it is.

My best friendship then collapsed. My own doing.  Couldn't save it..

I found a new job. Miles away from where i live...many painful relapses followed...thousands of pounds of damage. I am indeed in debt now..i know what it means.

7 years flew by very quickly. Many changes and many heartaches..

Last one being. .work issues and issues on here. I have lost my way, i have no excuse anymore.

The pic on my profile has a meaning. It combines 3 elements of my life...

Work - (car) , arcades reflecting in the mirror (my poison), sea+sand (my peaceful place). 

These are important things in my life...each one to be addressed in its own manner.

I have a gambling problem. Im sorry i have become the way i am.  All the connections i had on here has gone..my doing or life? I have no answers.

S&B xx

Aww, Sandra, sounds like you're a human pressure cooker. I can be like that, too. Just have to do what you can to reduce the heat underneath to slow down the build up xx

Am guessing that the carnage has now passed and the cage is being rebuilt... and you have had a good session at the gym!

You didn't gamble your wages away on the slots, so that's a good thing.

Life goes on.... 🙂 x

Thanks both,

Short entry today ...since im still allowed..emotional day. Feel drained. Emotionally.

No time for coffee let alone food during the shift  and on a way back i get a phone call from sister ..who...very calmly announces "can't believe mum collapsed in hospital today"..  ya what? What do you mean "hospital?".. thats when her poison (she has it towards me for some reason..comes out now and then).."oh, how come you don't know mum was taken to hospital yesterday..she is in a bad way"...i didn't..how could i? Spoke to her two day ago...all happy and really upbeat...talked about life and Bella (she always asks what's she's up to..)..not sure if im upset that nobody told me about this..are they starting a blame game that i don'tt call daily or are they trying to protect me? I don't know. Im upset. Nor dad nor sister informed me yesterday.

Circs are..mum in hospital, took a suldden turn for worst..bed bound..organs failing...sounds bad this time...yet, im the last to know..is it how families works? Is it this what i hear and see on daily basis and pray it wouldn't come to my family? The separation in the need of help/ support? 

Dad is not engaging. Cannot get through to him at all. Sister's call follows "don't disturb him, he took pills to calm down, he is not able to communicate"...nice indeed..

Weird thing for me...i had no emotion originally..just "yeah, ok, right"..absolutely nothing. Does it mean im all "spent" emotionally even for my family? Scary indeed...only few hours later, when i remembered the call two days back, i felt something..tears flowing down my face. ..emotion...Love, appreciation, how much i care..how much i love.

I have £200 to my name till pay day...not enough for the ticket...tough times.  Gambling aftermath? Half year ago...yes..

All i can do, is wait for the news...that is if my dad can be bothered to  pick up the phone & update his youngest daughter....

No gambling thoughts.

S&B xx

I can believe it's deeply upsetting to find out your Mum is poorly and noone told you. 

I have experienced exactly the same thing myself with my family. Only found out my Grandfather died cos I worked with a relative who dropped it into conversation the day after. 

None of my immediate family thought to tell me. 

I am telling you cos I want you to know that you don't own their thoughts or actions, they are on them. 

If you want, you could go up the Hospital at visiting time and see your Mum. You don't need their permission to do that. If you don't want to, that's also cool. 

I'm glad you can still post mate. I hope GC people know you were just having a temper tantrum or whatever you were doing the other night. I've done it, we all have. Don't buy anymore scratchcards, they suck. 

Love from Drama x

Yes, families work in mysterious ways. I rather think that I would be the last to know, "when" and it will be "when" the time comes and  a loved one passes away and like you say, addiction affects this to. I would not have the means just to jump on a train and go somewhere at a moments notice.... sorry can we arrange things for pay day or just after!

I think with many families, so much goes unspoken and unsaid. In my family we all tend to say, well I do think about you, which is true, but perhaps also a bit of a cop out. I find its even harder to connect with family members, especially my parents, the longer that no contact goes on for, that's why sometimes I do things the old fashioned way and write a letter. people always appreciate pen to paper, cos so few people do it nowadays.

Anyway am waffling. Am glad that the powers that be have allowed you to continue to post :-)... and remember food is good, find it and eat it! x

Thank you drama and SA. I would be at the hospital now if i could drama...its quite few thousand miles away and i simply cant afford flight ticket.

Spoke to dad. Put my heart to rest a little. Told me not to stress and not to make quick assumptions. I do know that. I know she is in care and is looked after. . It's just this time the time interval and age what worries me the most.. 

He will call me from hospital tomorrow. He promised and so i know he will. 

Couldn't get through to mum today, she is in intensive care and so, may my thoughts and well wishes alongside love gives her some peace. Im sure she knows i am with her in spirit.

Mind is in overdrive today. Trying to join some dots together but feel its out of my hands. Its a little too much to chew on if im honest. All i know, i cannot carry on the way i am. Im digging a deep hole for myself with my conduct, actions, decisions..choices.

The time always comes when we feel "enough is enough". Nobody can tell us when that time will come, nobody can force that time..it comes from within. The desire to break the cycle. The power of thoughts to make a change. I think its the hardest one to achieve.

I always believed that we cannot be fully correct with our thought process. Its not always right and so the not so right decisions follows. Yes, we grow and expand and face different situations in life. Gaining experience, that's how we learn. No matter how small or big, we continue to change, continue to develop into the persons we are. Choices is a big part in this growth.

Ultimately its never too late to do things differently. To adjust thought process, to learn to deal with situations in another manner.  Hopefully i can learn that too. 

Doing something differently, only if just for experience, we never know when it can actually turn our lives around, provide source of knowledge and acceptance that the change does and can really bring different results over.

I aknowledge that i cannot repeat the same things expecting different outcomes, now, i just need to put a plan in place how i am going to do things differently.

Step at a time.

S&B xx

Ps. No gambling...the pennies from scratch cards were put towards topping up gas...now i think, i risked my heating over a excitement of possible win. I actually risked those few days without heating..maddness when you put it into perspective.