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Hiya... interesting to read your thoughts x

In many ways you do seem to deal with your emotions. Better to rant than not to rant.... just a question of timing. Don't do it in front of Joe public or the entire shift... back office with one other selected human is the ideal I guess.

I am not able to rant if am real angry about something, I just go bright red, pace around and maybe blurt out something innapropriate which I later regret. Maybe that's why I write so much. Dunno.

As for not personalising stuff. I understand the principle but again hard in practice. Only this morning, just the fact that someone asked me to do an extra shift and me saying no, has caused an emotional reaction. feeling guilty when I know I shouldn't. Worry that i have upset said colleague. Also unable to decide in my own mind whether maybe it is actually in my interests to do the shift for a variety of reasons. Feeling indecisive. Thinking of changing my mind. This state of flux does my head in.

Like you say, human psychology is a fascinating thing.

S.A x

Hi SA..thanks and no, my retaliation always happens behind closed door...

..i get your sense of guilt for saying "no". I am the same. I let it fester inside and probably 80% outta 100% i change my mind and give in..practising saying no and feeling ok about it is a must..

Diary,

Ironically i went through all the essential stuff with therapist yesterday. Really deep thought session which made sense and helped me to rationalise a lot....until i went into work...it was like  rabbit falling down the hole. Everything we discussed just few hours ago went outta window in my head.

I attached to the feeling again..as much as i tried to push it away, i could not. I didn't want to detach because i see facts in front of me which i just cannot blank out however also what i did not want to do is to take it all home and fester some more. 

So today it still lingers in my mind. Weird dreams last night and i just know that my subconscious is playing up.

Don't know..i told her yesterday that all is tickety boo in my world even if i kinda lied to myself as well as her. She seen that. She knows im not just gonna miraculously heal from my lifes trauma. But we agreed that massive progress has been made (last night makes me doubt that)...but i must admit that i am better than i was at the start of the year...maybe kind of accepting what i cannot change and what i can. Similar mantra in life huh...

However even if i can't change something, i struggle to accept and so the mind starts that marathon of question marks...sigh..mind..how to be friends with it and direct it to the right direction? We cannot unlearn what we learn same as unseen what we see..i know what reactions to stuff does to my mind...I've been there before..i done this before i should of learned from it...hmm...

Should of could of again..pointless...

..mind...i will befriend you one day, i will not give up on myself.

No gambling concerns even if slight urges last night trying to run away from difficult feelings. I am all clear tho and a month g free...day at a time.

S&B xx

Hi diary,

What a lovely sunny day! Had been really nice. Sat in the garden with lil one just laying next to me taking the warmth in..it was peaceful...

Then got a phone call from work saying to move my backside and take myself to vaccine centre for vaccination. Wasn't sure if i want it or not really but at this rate, with all the restrictions about to be put in place for "non vaccinated" (which is wrong) scared me and i kinda went for it. Want to travel bk home at some point to visit parents...really do and guess this will b the easiest way forwards.

Now just feel v sick and light headed. Dont usually get side effects but this is just not what i expected. Still got to get to work for nightshifter and all i would like now is just to sleep lol...sleep is truly inviting now.

Anyway, no gambling concerns..taking it day at a time and loving my gorgeous princess more and more with each day xx

S&ab xx

Hi diary,

Unsettled this morning. Still tired and exceptionally lonely. Sad feeling. Ever felt like this? Where you just want to curl up and cry?..that's me i guess but again..i didn't sleep for 23hrs..ummmm...

Vaccine proves nightmare with side effects. Felt nauseous all night and still do now. Pain in arm now also..

Don't k ow what to say or do tbf...just don't like this lonely...empty feeling. Not in deep end, just...just unpleasant and kinda makes me want to scream and shout. I won't do that of course..suck this up...that's what i will do.

Just wish world would be nicer, healthier, friendlier and more understanding/compassionate place to be...on the other hand, i am also that part of the world huh...so..best do my bit to contribute.

Goodnight all

S&B xx

Hey go easy on yourself, your tired and experiencing side effects from the vaccine.

Its no surprise that your feeling lonely and sorry for yourself.

Cuddle dog and duvet and here is a virtual hug from afar (((((( you )))))) xx

You will feel different tomorrow.

S.A x

Hi SA, ..thanks for the hug..apologies, didn't realise how pathetic i sounded ? but guess we all have those days..

Few hours sleep put me bk on track so to say..except long shift which was ever so busy. Felt honoured to work with one very skilled and specialized colleague and actually taken away wayy more than i could ask for. It was busy but fun, ranty (my side!) and quite extreme shift! Not even starting to talk about jumping outta moving vehicles ?...all i can say -i am not fit and do need to pick that up! Soon...2 weeks to go ? (lazy me).

Should be off now but 90% certain im picking OT for tonight. If i do..table & something nice for lil one may be on the horizon which would be nice!

May sound in high spirits my my split personality in motion here..am nor too sad nor too happy..is it what you call balance? ?..close but not that..yet, i shall take it and get myself to bed...

Lil girl tanning herself in sun upstairs and it is just the most beautiful & peaceful thing to see..she looks lime meditating..eyes closed, towards the sun rays shining through window, relaxed...at peace..

Good feeling for everyone to have.

Stay safe & have a good day all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

I made it..made it to my leave and now can simply breathe...as expected jumped in for OT yesterday and long 15hrs shift began. One consolidation is that looking at the clock just before 1am followed with deep sigh...but then few mins later it was showing 2am which automatically lifted everyone's spirits up! Was open for conversations last night. Spoken to two colleagues i never spoke before and it was ...nice really. Felt accepted and respected for me...how do they know me and i don't know them ? shows how active rumous going on at work! 

Anyway, am off now. Something i really looked forward to. Put feet up, tv on, enjoy my peaceful evenings in perfect company of lil one. ..heaven indeed!

Need to revise for my course tho so will try and keep these brains occupied. We all know how difficult i find time off. Its time management and routine huh. Hopefully will be fine. Gives lovely weather in next coming days and so i shall reside in the garden and enjoy the warmth.

Vaccination side effects seem to subside even if i screamed in pain every time i had to get out of the car last night..somehow caught the shoulder each time and it was quite agonising pain. Today feels better so i shall take it..

Right, gonna take lil one for a walk and enjoy fresh air and freedom of the field..little things right ?

Stay safe, well and at peace all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Amazing what good sleep can do..truly amazing to get back to some normality in this head...rested and clear.

Beautiful morning and even if a bit windy, its sunny and warm. Just perfect for gardening me thinks..?

SA once again triggered the thought train! Good stuff indeed. How much can we actually change in our lives? How much is in our control and will we ever know?  Maybe we just dip our toes with changes, little fractures and see what happens. Future is clear sheet, unwritten..no emotions, decisions or facts in there. We just don't know how the journey goes after this minute. We can of course inflict the course of it, we naturally plan and look ahead. Its what happens, we are humans and that's how we roll...even slightest look into future like going to make a cuppa...however i don't know what's preplanned..maybe i trip and fall and bang my head in a kitchen and die..and that will be end of my story of life...i guess where im going with this is....future is decided by greater forces than us...and that's wht its important to take a moment in and enjoy here and now!..like sitting on this garden chair breathing fresh air in! Amazing!!!

Ps..i don't want a cuppa any more ..just in case i jinxed myself here ?

Right..arranged to pick a new phone up today. This one on last legs and comes up with many errors and sometimes don't even let me charge. New phone is not something too smart or new new..just next model from this. Its second hand as i don't want to tie myself with new contracts. Its expensive for me (£120) but in a long run it will work out cheaper than paying for it monthly. I was thinking what's more important - phone or table...phone won lol..i need to stay connected with life.

Either way, ANYTHING is better than gambling! So its positive, its kindness for myself...its self care.

Have a safe and peaceful day all!

S&B xx

Hiya... I've had two cuppa's this morning.... am still alive! 🙂 x

As for being out in the fresh air, I love it. I get depressed when I spend the whole day in doors. I'd love to have a garden. My sister got me a plant, something for me to look after, which I did. I called him Covid, cos it was at the height of the new year, new variant wave. He flourished but now he's not in good health, dying like the pandemic... lets hope! 🙂

As for phones I hate them. It takes me an age just to work out the most basic of things, like getting the numbers to come up on the screen or swiping to answer the d**n thing. The screen is covered in finger marks and dried on tomato sauce lol

Enjoy your garden.

Happy days... S.A 🙂 x

Hi SA, thank you so much for reply!

As predicted and always been in the back of my mind - the sale didn't go through and i was left "on ice"..in other words - messed about as person never got back to me ....

Yet...i went straight online and now typing from another device i didn't originally think buying but here we go. ..i needed a phone! As of transferring data, o*g i didn't realise it can be so easy..all done through bluetooth and took me 10mins altogether..i noticed even password for here was transferred over ?

Bad news tho, my gamban stayed with old phone. Of course i asked for a link but cause i already have a account, it wouldn't work...unless i pay....now, im a gambler and £10 for a yearly license?? Are ya kidding? Shocking isn't it...i can waste 1000's but wont shed tenner for protection ?...so presently am exposed to danger so to say...willpower won't do it as we all know...

Ummm...got counselling soon and my last session as per agreement. A bit sad but grateful i had such support and now feel i can deal with some of the reactions i have to life's events.

I just receive a text (i assume from work lol) that i need a test prior my course. It is written in such difficult manner that i still don't understand it. Almost in codes lol so am not sure where to go and what consent form to sign apart that i need to bring my passport.  Not sure if they're about Covid test here but you would think me having vaccine would invalidate that..well, i shall try and read message again and crack that code lol...but wish they could write on normal terms everyone can understand!

Cut grass yesterday and it was really necessary for the garden. It was like a jungle indeed..lawnmower stuck about 7 times with all grass inside and im glad i have my fingers still intact cause was clearing it with power still on ?...wouldn't want "Final destination 7" at this rate lol..today seems like could be jetwash day..dirty task but tiles are almost black from all the rain over winter. You're more than welcome to jog over and help me out SA ?...this place needs min 3 ppl to get tidied away but, one task at a time huh..probs a bit of weeding and hedge trimming awaits tom.

So all in all,, all is steady. ..apart from those blocks..not sure if i set ticking bomb in my head already..i know how slippery slope this can be.

Ps..made me chuckle with your Covid plant ?..my sister gave me two beautiful palms plants and i do like them. One has made a room very cosy and another sits in the kitchen. Not so sure it enjoys sun but im watching it closely. I never really manage live plants in the house as forget to water them but this time I'm trying my best to look after them! Maybe cause they look exotic!

S&B xx

Morning...

When I got my new computer I danced with the devil before putting Gamban on. You don't have to follow the same path. Its a struggle isn't it? I remember what i was like before I registered with Gamstop. I new I needed to do it but the internal battle with my gambling head was intense.

If your anything like me, when I put a practical barrier in place I feel a sense of loss, cos it means I can't gamble anymore. It takes a few days for me to accept it and start to feel happy that am not doing any more damage to myself.

I hope you come out the other side with your internal struggles and with more than 10p in your bank account

I'd come cut your grass by the way, but its a bit of a long jog to get there me thinks 😉

S.A x

Hey SA..i hear ya. I know i need to do what i need to do and i will...sooner or later..in pain or in relief..i will eventually put blocks on.

Find this new phone strange..new notifications,sounds and so on..even alarm chirps its own tune.  No wonder, i had my old phone for past 5 years i guess...so a bit of upgrade will always come strange.

Finished jetwash the garden..well, i didn't really even if after two days hard work...pressure pipe snapped..that's 2 in 2 days ?...im on the driveway but so not that bad..ordered that part so hope to complete tomorrow. My hand aches like hell tho..all cause holding that trigger for hours no end huh .. at least place looks a lot brighter and tidier and finally lil one made an appearance as she doesn't like jetwash sound so stayed in all this time. Had to drag her out to play a ball lol and convince that strange machine is put away! 

Had my last session with therapist yesterday. Its hard to say goodbye but believe me or not, with every goodbye it becomes easier. 

She seemed to like my company a lot. "So honoured working with you". First, i don't see it as working lol. Im a client needing guidance but i guess she makes sense. We had lovely and inspiring chats..oh gosh, if we got started on human psychology - that us both gone for good 40mins?..really enjoyed those chats and truly learned a lot of ways to deal with triggers and my emotions, reactions to stuff.. so overall very positive experience. I noticed my resilience in life is being admired once again, not sure why. In my eyes, its just another pull on string which is already tense and ...who knows if next meltdown is gonna snap it. All i know, i am getting tired of this sometimes exhausting inner fight i bring on..shown a month back i guess...im getting tired..

Anyway, "picking a ball and running with it" - love this description and may apply to many aspects of self description.

That is all. Still didn't touch books i need to revise..bahh...just felt needed "me" time in every shape, form and sense..my bad for putting myself first ?

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi @sb28

I just wanted to mention that GamBan can be installed on up to 15 different devices so it may be worth speaking to GamBan if this is not working as it should be. You can contact them here: https://gamban.com/contact

Another option is to sign up for the free GamBan license (which we can provide) using a different email address and installing it on your new phone that way. I hope this is helpful and if there is anything more we can do to support you, please let us know.

Warm wishes

Zoë

Forum Admin

Hey San,

I understand that phrase very well. Another pull on already tightened string. Hope it doesn't snap some day. I experience similar meltdowns to ones you have described in the past, where you are able to be strong through a lot of things then you just lose your P**P over something because the lid comes off the pressure cooker. I apologise if I've gotten that wrong. It's certainly what happens to me. 

It happened recently at work. I felt embarrassed and exposed. Last place I want to get all out of control and disregulated. However, today, I just had a chat with my two bosses who were just really concerned for me and bent over backwards wanting to help. It was really touching. Sometimes we are harder on ourselves than anyone else, eh?

I often go through that new device thing, also, regarding gambling. It might just be me but my partner who is a computer guy, found it hard how to get blocking thing on my phone, whereas laptop and pc were much easier to do. Something the software guys need to look at, if even a computer graduate struggled.

Just reminding you how beautiful your strength is, my boss actually said to me today "maybe we need someone strong like you to be the first one to tell us who is causing problems, if everyone else is too scared to" I'm sure people have similar sentiments to that about you

f x

Hi,thank you Zoe and Freda.

Zoe, not sure what I've done over the years but I appear to have 7 devices signed up..have to say, most are the same so not sure what's going on. Its not fair for me to keep asking for links even if I appreciate your help.  It's tenner a year license and its just my stoopid gambling head what puts the barrier between me purchasing it. I will get there eventually as i said..maybe need a good "awful" day to actually do it..i mean - gamble to feel that pain again...sorry about this, not the best mindset as you can tell.

Thought about gambling all day. Moved it further as day went on and instead had a bath, purchased table (yes, correct), walked lil one and about to cook...leaves me with evening spare tho..i dunno..will see.

Freda, thanks for the post. Proud of you for speaking to bosses..sometimes that's all what needs to be done. Because if you don't clarify issue, it will not be understood and ultimately resolved..so well done and hope you found some peace in that ?

I made myself very heard on last day at work. Cannot go in circs but i was out in shooting line ...im still here as ya see but my words to my boss were "are you f*****g with me? Are you for real"...choice of words were really deserving in that situation and i guess he understood and run to his boss to clarify that precise "fiasco". I haven't heard bk as am on holiday but gather it was brushed off under the carpet. ..because big boys don't like to admit mistakes.

So yeah..well, not much to say today tbf. A bit on the edge and guess it seeps through this post..will try to ride this out. Tomorrow is another day, another choice, another opportunity.

Stay safe all

S&B xx