...

Morning Sandra. Wishing you and Bella a super duper Easter. 

I told the police about that big hole in the pavement....... 

They said they would look into it ???. 

Aum ?

Thanks Stephen, Happy Easter to you too!

I find this poem inspiring. Learned a lot from it and what it puts across...the lessons we learn along the way (sometimes repeating same mistakes) and the power of choice. The choice which lies within us. Life is full of lessons and yes, some setbacks are not intended..mistakes does happen...but, as we all know, once you burn you don't put fingers in fire again. Same with many walks of life i believe...

So diary, navigated another day safely. Finished jetwashing all area and happy with the result. Patio came to life with rainbow colours..all the greyness, saddness and cold washed away with care and love.

Im pretty reluctant to pick up the books but time is ticking and i need to study. Maybe few pages today and more tomorrow..little by little? 

My lil one made me smile this morning. Not only she laid beside me but funnily enough toppled on her back and hugged my neck with almighty paws lol..she is real cutie.really knows how to show love and appreciation...her resting and silently snoring away indicates her feeling at peace and safe...and that's all i can ask for. We had a nice walk and i can't wait to spend some more time in her company.

Im a bit ...hmmmm...not sure about this weekend. Sister inviting me round for Easter and i just don't feel it. Feel like just want to be on my own..as i always do..just few days ago i told therapist that i will do my upmost to get out,socialise, explore..join communities...if it was this simple ?..find it really hard already...not sure how to break this precise cycle and let myself free from this voluntarily lockdown i placed myself over 4 years ago..sigh....

S&B xx

Hi diary..again...

Ummm...finished here by reading old posts (sometimes it just takes over)..smiled and laughed and questioned myself "what the hell happened...why im so sad these days., why so serious and not lighthearted/care free"..answers in the post pls...maybe i just read/reflected on the "up" of my life..who knows..

Umm did made myself study. All good 70 pages outta 400 so guess will make it....more awareness, anticipation, action and ...overall control now lol...

Then i made an ultimate mistake by checking work emails..bad habit..tied me over for another good hour or more..gosh...world does not stop turning huh..so many questions, clarification, time scales and phone calls..mostly replied to all that im off till May lol..which i am as course is away from work place...hope didn'tsound like passing a bar..im aware few things cannot wait so flagged it to boss...who should be already aware (you would think if he followed staff's rota!)...anyway, reminders sent, urgent stuff caught up on...so much out of my week off...imagine next 5 weeks not at work ?.

Then i ate and finished good movie "brain on fire"..would recommend...interesting one.

So overall productive day you would say..yes..but...of course...the night is still young and brains wants a free escape..of it was free that would be awesome, for some reason mine wants v expensive break outs...

That's me..doing my all to keep occupied!

S&B xx

Hi... Did I read that correct.. are you off till May??!! If this true am most jealous lol 😉

You have had a productive day... now that's a good thing.

I will check out the "brain on fire" film. I am currently addicted to netflix.

Hugs.. S.A x

Ha SA..yup...away from work desk, town and human interaction for a whole month ?..bliss for me! However the course is tense and am already feeling anxious..we shall see!

Hello & Happy Easter ? everyone,

Diary,

Difficult to concentrate today. Finished my revision (one book outta two) and redid the theory exam which i passed and now just not sure..having urges! Annoying ones!

Truly not sure if me declining OT for tonight has contributed to it. I think it did.  With it being bank holiday and double pay, i turned down good package for next month but i was v back and forwards if to take it..time lost with lil one ?..12hrs long nightshift...drive..blahh blahh..so i was pacing up and down the kitchen and hoping for an update on the group chat that somebody actually taken it! And they did (who wouldn't!). So a bit of relief that i dont need to fight inner me and a bit of self kicking that i let the opportunity go..why money has to take such big part in our lives huh? Why? Sigh...

Now i want to gamble to "recoup" my probable £400 for missed opportunity...crazyyyyyyyy! I agree..it’s carzzzyyyy thoughts.

I would most probably lose more than that and then just kick myself for both...or am i just looking for a excuse of good self kicking today?

Not sure...

..urges started yesterday when i strangely had a peaceful time sitting with sis and a mate in the garden and chatting away..felt strange as its not the most comfortable thing to do for me but also i felt ok..and that brought thoughts of " can't be ok and smooth...something must happen"...and " lets reward myself for being a good girl and continue this good feeling with some action when bk home"...another crazy thought processes huh! 

Instead i got bk late and put Netflix on. Urges went just to come bk today...blahh..

My head is full of t**d! Why i cannot just accept that normal emotions are ok and even me deserves them. I don't need to seek thrills or self punishment just because i feel ok at some point in my life. I guess this does not make much sense!

Bath...i need a bath (and food maybe at some point today) to balance this head and relax. 

I don't need extra money. Nothing really is happening so urgent that i need to do somersaults for it. I have my emergency fund in case ( i know its not a lot but would tie me over with flight ticket or so)..

I need to calm down somehow. I worked myself up too much over nothing really.

S&B xx

I felt very low yesterday. It continued in the evening. I tried to cheer myself up and others by posting funny clip on fb....and then i thought just how easy is to mask true emotions.

I wanted to end my life last night. I have these thoughts often this year...sadly.

Today i ....will spend the day in bed. Just one of those days. Even sun is not working it's magic.

I will try to push through this day

Sorry you are feeling gloomy Sandra. I am sending you healing vibes and hope you soon feel better.

I read yesterday that many people are struggling with negative thoughts and emotions due to the restrictions in place over the last year. 

You may also be preoccupied with personal issues surrounding work and family whilst thinking of the course arranged by your employer and the welfare of Bella is always at the front of your mind. 

Maybe you are too demanding of yourself. You are a lovely, compassionate and caring lady who works hard and wants everything to be perfect but you cannot solve all the worlds problems. 

Your happiness and wellbeing is a priority so please be gentle and kind towards yourself. 

There is a kindly soul

On a noble quest 

A lady who answers to Sandra

Trying to do her best

Loving angels send her love

Along with healing thoughts

With woofs for the charming Bella

On whom our heroine dotes. 

Aum ?

It's OK to not be OK. I know your job will have been very difficult this year, for all manner of different reasons.

Pressure that is not fair on anyone 🙁

It's understandable that your emotions get fried and overwhelmed. Please do take those steps to keep yourself safe when those thoughts come to you. There's no shame at all in having them but you matter very much and it would be tragic if you were lost in a moment of overwhelm. We definitely need someone else to give us support and guide, when that point has been reached.

It seems to have been a tough week for a lot of people. Something in the collective/atmosphere heightening everything perhaps. Who knows. 

Keep posting and remember that you do matter, very much.

SB28,

I am sorry to read how low you felt yesterday and last night. It looks like a really difficult one for you when posting something funny didn't help your mood as you had hoped. It is good to see that others on the forum have posted supportive messages and I am glad that you know the forum is a safe place for you to share. 

Please remember, we are here 24/7 if you would like to talk. Samaritans are always available too on 116 123. 

Take care, 

Rebecca 

Forum Admin 

All is ok, thank you all for the support

Good to hear. Keep posting if it helps.

Thanks Freda...there is not much to say really...repeat same old empty promises? Lie to myself that i am making progress? Tired of that..there is nothing constructive i can say anymore. I hurt myself deeply by the choices i made and continue to make. Very little hope is left for better times to come however i know its down to me.that little control i still have in making healthier choices.... maybe will start tomorrow...why? Because its easier to delay huh...delay something better as a result for some difficult days.

My dad always says - " why wait till tomorrow if you can do now". He is wise man...yes he is right however...i shall wait.

Dad has heart problems and once again i find out from sister...the thing is, i spoke to dad maybe 4hrs prior to sister yesterday and he was sounding very happy and upbeat....i wonder why he pretends..why to me? Cannot help but see similarities in me...sigh....

Lil one had a fight with cat today. Cat is ok..Bella not so but i struggle to feel sympathy for her because i told her time and time again that those  sharpest claw pets are more dangerous than anything in her way...never ever mess with a cat!! i did patch her up and cleaned wounds of course..letting her sulk now...

New mortgage sent a shock wave to my heart this morning as first payment is almost double. Not sure how i will afford next month  but where is a will, is a way right...

That's about it. Im in bed by 8pm and up by 11am..may day basically consists of 4hrs sharp thinking and clarity..the rest is gone...day in day out. ..good news...ummm...im back to routine so to speak v soon and...even if don't think i will have time for gym for the rest of this month i will do my best to show my face at least for half hour...maybe empty promises to myself but....at least im willing huh...

Found this poem i actually posted on one group....still stand by it and still makes my heart smile a bit...and gives me hope..

"For my Baby girl Bella,

These words are flowing from my heart
Such beautiful freedom and peace I have.
So long as you're here by my side
I feel content and happy with my life.

That gorgeous smile and face you make
The joy gets written all over my face
That single touch to stroke your head
Brings back so much more than I'm used to get.

The love, companionship and all good vibes
I want to share what I feel inside!
The silent promise ..the pact we made
The bond that no one can ever break.

And all this means so much to me
I could explain but I would rather just be!
In this moment, in this time
In this never ending high.

So little words which gives so much
The blessing lies within my touch.
The angel sent from far above
Which helps me heal, accept and grow.

Who would of knew that few years on
I would learn to appreciate and cherish love.
Love as pure and light as sky
Which makes me feel like I'm able to fly.

You're only dog to many souls,
That hairy, stinky, growling one.
But you're so much more to me
One look into your eyes confirms this to me.

You are amazing in every single way
From wagging your tail to to the way you lay.
The snores and spreading all over the bed
Are all forgiven and admired instead.

The pain and suffering we both went through
The sleepless nights i worried about you.
The holding breath and panic times
All those were there to help you rise.

And you did an amazing job
By bouncing back you gave me hope.
The hope in better things ahead
And also trust in my own strength.

It's not that easy to define
What you're bringing to my life.
I have already mentioned love,
The smiles, companionship and hope.
There is a lot more i could say,
In fact I could write this all day!
But i shall stop right here right now,
And appreciate you - my blessing im so lucky I found!

I love you my baby please never forget,
Today, tomorrow and many years ahead
The minute I saw you, i knew this is true
I thank Dear Lord daily that I have found you! ❤???".

No gambling concerns.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Thought this morning how simple (no matter how difficult seems at the time) decisions impacts our life.

Not cured nor considerable time of abstinence behind me but i feel more at peace. Addiction can drive you nuts and im sure who finds themselves here doesn't find the "active" life easy nor rewarding. Reward comes with time..most important bit is to acknowledge that reward and give yourself lighter time. ...be patient, be kind to yourself, breathe....

Now..my issue recently was not gambling. But we know how addictions runs and most definitely runs into each other. Just short month ago i got into cycle. Deep depression...bad and dark place. To mention suicide this publicly? Man...i deffo shouted for help i guess..i seen all the red flags for a long long time but same as v active in addiction, we aware of them but don't know how to deal with them..and so we keep self destructing...sulking after these actions but turn back again to it after a blink of the eye..stuck...same wheel...we run same rounds wearing ourselves out.

Im not gonna say how much i drank same as heavy gambler won't say how much they actually lost.addiction is addiction..its dirty secret i guess...shame of it...not recognising yourself so how can you open up to others? Its confusing state the least...deep loss of self being.

Early days for me and how long does it take to sober up so you see at least a bit clearer? For me so far 6 days. And after these 6 days i am glancing back...slowly..reflecting..

I find days wayyy longer but more fulfilling. Maybe am busier than usual however little spare time i have, i put it to good use. I see lil girl less but more...you wonder how can i explain that?..i can't..less is definitely more for me..more cherishing the company, doing more together...i dunno..just different..i see with open eyes & trust me,after so long of blindness..its almost a miracle!

Im tearing up now...why? Because THIS life is better life than that one but im already scared..because i know i cannot do it by myself...i just haven't got that support network around me...weekend approaching...its danger for me. 

So i shall end it here...day at a time..all it takes. Healthy choices = fruitful results, better life, more peace to body & soul...just need to keep on trucking...

Stay safe all

S&B xx