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Hey Charlie, 

Thank you very kindly for the response and support  you offer ?

I haven't  heard anything  back regarding  complaint  so it's either didn't  happen or I will have a "discussion" with boss  on my return ?....we have to wait and see!

...and....? roll........I did it!!! I made it and smashed  it lol! Oh what an amazing  feeling  this is, it's difficult  to describe...wonderful  indeed...now i will have more responsibility  for my role but it makes me feel good having  achieved something on top of my general duties.

Now I feel like I can breathe...and celebrate..oh yeah, Mr A is here and tapping on my shoulder all along to relax and have a glass...I say no of course....I shall go gym and have a relaxing  evening  with cup of tea in company  of lil one! (Talking about tea...never thought I will say this but I'm panicking as almost out of tea bags ??)..also shall start that email to my therapist  as promised...im sure she will be pleased to hear the news ?

Lil one & I are going  on a trip tomorrow  so will be up nice & early ready for the day  ahead...that's  my plan anyway!

Ohh..emotionally  exhausted  and feel the pain from yesterday's  gym session lol...but seeing g the results (slooowwwww transformation) is just urging  me to carry on on this path!

Have a great day all...be at peace,  enjoy  your life here and now as tomorrow  is never promised.  Peace out & much love - stay safe! ❤

S&B xx

Hi diary, 

Weekend is here and working  week shall begin soon. Very nervous  and already had nightmares  last night..I guess anxiety  kicked in already.

Visited work place on my travels yesterday  and seen my team and boss(es). All seems OK and my return is awaited ?

I then went to beauty salon (yeah,heard it right!) and got some treatment  done on this face..well, part of face..its all very good and beautiful  now but I am aware healing  process  will start soon and things won't be so pretty for a few weeks ..lol..laugh through  tears really as i will have to go to work and face everyone. Besides I was put on so many restrictions  it's  frightening! No direct  sun, no gym, no water to treated area..etc....sleeping only on your back ?...I slept on my back last night and that's why I didn't  sleep I guess ??

Anyway...sometimes we have to sacrifice  stuff for beauty huh...beauty indeed   now I think why I bothered with it all ?

Rest  of the day went well yesterday.  Spent considerable  time round sister's  and even went shopping  for her house appliances.  Me being a loving sister, paid for one unit half which she appreciated. Lil girl spend time with her lil cousin and she was flat out on a way home as well as at home lol...she must of been knackered  as slept all evening/night.

Soo..today...today is mum's day in my country  do I made sure I phone her. We had quick chat and she sounded well and at peace. That is music to my ears! 

Then I taken lil one for a good walk, went shop, hoovered my car, washed my car and cooked soup just now. Its only 2pm and I need to keep occupied  so I stay distracted from evil stuff...harmful  stuff.

I also emailed therapist  the update so hope she raises a smile on my behalf when reads it....

That's  me. No addiction  issues to report...just for today

S&B xx

I won't even try to keep up with the pace of developments in your life lol.... other than to say that you seem to be doing mighty fine.

Well done with all the things that you have passed and achieved and actioned etc etc.

I hope your eating food at some point too.

S.A x

P.s... yes ive just read something about soup... have a roll with it 😉

Test

Hi SA,

Thanks for your  thoughts. I did reply the other day but it didn't post as error appeared...thought acc was hacked so refrained from posting for a bit too.

Last few days weren't  very good. Not happy being back at work and I guess big decisions  needs to be made going  forward. Just don't find it helpful physically/ emotionally or spiritually...

Back on nights now and struggle big time. Cant remember how I got bk this morning  and tbf only had 2hrs sleep as just couldn't  shut down ?...so back there in few hours and hoping  for  a safe shift...

Urges are back too. I started going on demo slots. Excuses to push time a but but I know what dangers this presents. Been there  before. All it takes is a little trigger. 

So its me. Abit low last 3days...well, since got bk to work lol...maybe it's a sign.

Stay safe and well all

S&B xx

Just listened  to BBC news and was good to hear some stories and awareness about gambling  addiction being highlighted. What left me in disbelief and quite honesty shocked me was that immediately  after the shares of ppl struggling  with this and talking even about ending  their lives whilst in the grip of addiction......news reporter "moves on" to talk about football  ⚽️??‍♀️...don't  know how about you all, but for me it felt like this problem  is not being looked at with real eyes...its like "fine, we highlighted  the issue now push it under the carpet and carry on as nothing  really going  on out there..."..slap in a face maybe? Yes, that's  how it personally  felt. When someone  expresses emotion..so raw emotion  and people  who most likely does not deal with this addiction and don't realise that for some even talking  about  football may trigger urges or difficult  feelings...so that's  my take...could of at least put a song on in between the subjects...poor show off Radio 1 ...?

But...again, just my opinion which hardly counts huh..

So, how do I feel? A bit bahh still but at least no work. Trying  to recover a bit but can't help but feel very  lonely today..again, think this is the only place I "talk & socialise"..today this makes me sad and helps me realise how a pathetic  life I truly lead...why, when and how did I get into this situation?

On a positive...gym awaits...I shall ignore beauticians  advice. I need exercise  to keep this head balanced out.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Gambled ....and oh so hate myself. But addiction  is too strong  to manage at this time......what a life to live hey....gutted

Hi San,

Don't hate yourself. No-one on here hates you. Life can be good, kind & worth while. Do what you do best, dust yourself down, get back in the race and share your experience with others. Think about the trigger points leading up to your relapse and learn from the experience. I'll never forget those painful Saturday withdrawal symptoms ( footy, horse racing ) when you were the only one on the chat and how you helped me get through the JUST FOR TODAY philosophy. There's nothing to hate about you.

Best Wishes

Al

Don't beat yourself up .....we know as compulsive gamblers that the self loathing makes us crave that escape more... Dig deep mate I'm in your corner wish I could do more to help you. Take care xx

Hiya... thoughts are with you.

Why do we beat ourselves up so much??

Its not so different from someone "occasionally" reaching for a cigarette/glass of wine/extra large pork pie when they know that its bad for them. These things are a comfort in times of stress and perhaps also a way to damage or punish ourselves for our own perceived failures in life. I guess the major difference is the potential for long lasting consequences of a gambling binge, such is the value that society tends to put on money and its relationship to basic needs.

The real challenge in life is to heal the relationship with ourselves, learn to like ourselves a bit more and to hell with what anybody else thinks, cos its none of their buisness.

Your ok, so am I 

Life goes on.

🙂 x

Hi SA and everyone  else...

Very much in the grip of gambling  past 24hrs..relapsed with drink too.

I don't know why's and excuses...there are none really as life is difficult  without  gambling  as it is. 

Just 2 days ago I counted pennies till pay day as I need to get food for Bella. It was comfortable  situation  as I had savings to boot but thought  of "progressing " such savings. Careful counting  so I don't  overspend  from previous  month. ..with a week to pay day to go I was in good position..extra pennies saved for hairdressers..did bank holiday shift so next pay was in order...

And then bam!...you know the rest...I still have pennies for lil one...to buy her food. Me not so much but I don't  mind. More worried about the initial  shock to the system  in next two or 3 days...I know it will come..deep depression....for a sake of some adrenaline....

Right, so self excluded  just now before placing  another deposit.  There are tens of them out thereto join but presently  I'm In a ....bad state of self loathing  so guess not today...but there is tomorrow  and another day...its there...its accessible.?

Sad by my own actions...just sad..nothing  will help here...

S&B x

Hi San.

I know you're hurting but like you said tomorrow's another day. Temptation will try & spoil it & it's hard not to give in to temptation especially when one's at a low ebb." Step into my parlour" said the spider to the fly, it looks so warm, cosy & inviting till we want to leave. You're a kind soul to others so be kind to yourself.

Best Wishes

Al

Hiya..... really hope you have descended into a gambling frenzy. Well done for self-excluding from a site it does mean that your battling the devil within. The internal struggle can be hellish at times can't it?

Sadness passes to something else just like every other emotion.

S.A x

Hello SB

Sorry you've had setbacks. I hope you've been able to get food for yourself as well as Bella, but if you haven't, you may be able to access food banks: https://www.trusselltrust.org/

If you want to talk about your gambling you can call us on the helpline, on 0808 8020 133 or Livechat. 

take care,

Deirdre
Forum Admin

Hi all,

Thanks..all is ok as it can be in my world... did try to access netline but expected  9mins turns to 20 or longer so I give up...not sure if GC is not staffed at nights,  my browser, or I'm on a "black list"...but let it be...I seem to ride the urges/storms out by myself.

So....clean for 4 or 5 days..maybe more..lost track really..work takes over as usual. Work was tough. Honestly thought I'm back to square 1 with trauma stuff not long ago. Had massive trigger and felt what I didn't  want to feel for the rest of my life but..it passed after few days...so hopefully  that therapy actually  helped. Need to email her again as she wants the updates and as much as I want to curl up in a ball, I shall speak out. Not to the detail as its too painful but shall say that  I struggled  this month.

I "sat" stood really... outdoors  actually  with this 14 year old chewing  cud about the world/life. I am concerned  about youngsters  these days..They have grownups  mentality....its very strange.. its sad to see them struggling  and I truly was lost for words or ways to support.  I shared my bits and bobs in a awe to help the person. I hope it did...I just don't  know at this stage.

Soooo...work taken over again. Putting  new gained skills to use but it really wears me out. Am drained at the end of shift...mentally/physically  and emotionally...spiritually  to boot...but it is what it is, life goes on..

Gambling? Sweet escape not present these days.

That Is all

Thanks again for your kind messages,  stay safe

S&B xx