...

Aww, Sandra, so sorry to read this. That you've been in such a bad place. Have you got ongoing support? I know you were having counselling not so long ago, for really painful issues and wondering if that has come to an end already? 

I have been really low without a social network in the past. Still don't have a big one. It really helped to have that professional help there. I realised I needed a place to talk about all of these struggles, so that I could get myself to a place where I was well enough to meet people and make new friends. You definitely need support if you're in that kind of headspace and I felt like it was too intense to talk about this sort of distress with people I'd only just met. It helped me to see that I am a fun and likeable person, just like you are, but dealing with that level of distress whilst also trying to form new relationships, wasn't working. I was pushing people away. I was not myself and preoccupied and emotional. 

I'm really nervous about posting to you, as I don't want to cause upset. Just sharing some of my own experiences in the hope that it's helpful. You are a wonderful person who deserves to be heard and have someone hold a space for you, to work through all of these feelings. I really hope you find someone with the right skills to help you through this time. I know it would set me back so much, if I tried to open up to someone I knew and they said something insensitive or dismissive or didn't say anything at all. At the time, I couldn't see that they just didn't know what to say, or felt uncomfortable talking about such sensitive subjects. Or I would get angry with them, if they gave advice that hit a raw nerve, or that I didn't want to hear, or accept. They would run away, unable to cope with my anger. Which only heightened my loneliness and feelings of rejection and abandonment. That's why someone professional, was really valuable. A safe space. I think having feelings like the ones you describe, is a sign that you need some strong support. Someone who is a professional at supporting those feeling this way. I think you deserve to be in those experienced, well qualified, skilled hands, when feeling this way.

I hope this makes sense. It's all been said with my heart in the right place. This forum is certainly another very good place to share those feelings. I'm glad you feel able to do that. Sometimes just admitting how you feel, is a big relief and release.

Sending love and support, the best way I can.

Hey Freda,

Pls don't be scared to put your thoughts down. ..its free space for all.

I do tend to have that "fear" aura around me and you're not the first to actually say it...which i truly respect. Im  not always soft & cudly as we know but here we go..all unique in our own way.

I call myself bitchy face lol..that's just what i seem to have. Sometimes im  not even angry but face features talks differently ?‍♀️

I will visit your thread soon..maybe not tonight as sleepies awaits but just wanted maybe...if you read, to put your mind atease...again, appreciate your thoughts and well wishes..thank you!!

Not sure if it came across negative yesterday but i meant to say that i do feel 100% better. Almost newborn...awakened? ..maybe...its positive feeling indeed.

Haven't got support, that's right but im coping now. Will b back to the gym this weekend so shall sweat all negativity away ?

This course is pretty intense. Leaves me v tired at the end of the day but check me out -green tea and apples in front of tv b4 bed..lol...this IS life! Normality if you like.i am not morning person but truly don't miss shifts now. Can see the benefits early starts gives actually...different life! 

Unfortunately still drive long distances as ...it just what it is so takes a lot of time out of my day...they were on about hotel placement but bahhhg..what about lil girl huh...i rather sleep in my own bed with lil angel beside me

Right...im drifting off lol (lightweight)..so just....thanks again, g'night, stay safe all all the best all!

No gambling concerns nor any other harmful addiction....just for today...

S&B ❤

I'm glad it was taken in the spirit intended. It's great that you're feeling much better and feeling quite content. I can relate to bouncing back quite well from extremely low lows. 

I still think it's always a sign to seek out help when having suicidal thoughts - even when you show brilliant resilience and bounce back very well. So I'll just politely, lovingly, reiterate that, then go back to minding my own business 🙂

Take care

Thank you Freda, i hear you but confirm again that at the minute i got this ? step at a time indeed..

Diary,

Saturday..sunny Saturday! Im full of energy because i made a right choice last night!. I appreciate those long days now..so much we can fit in its unreal! I am thankful to myself that i allowed myself this detox to body and mind. It was time...i was on the  edge of the cliff and i knew something has to change and only i can make that step...

I even managed to fit gym in last night. I am very out of shape ..my own doing of course...left a lot of sweat and hard work there last night but again, my trainer (who is ever so strict) implemented something in my head over last week..."get on then"..that's what was running through my head when i was huffing and puffing doing exercise what was so easy a year ago...pushed myself to the limit....my determination comes bk out again i think. 

Plan for the day is....not even sure. I am enjoying sunny morning at the time. Maybe will spend day in the garden and more gym later on! I have to keep busy...else i will fall back into intoxication by 4pm....not cool and not healthy and very soul/body destroying!

Week 2 with course next week and i see how we are progressing with things. Every day has something different and more strategic/ tense in the mix. My plan is to stick with it. Keep clear mind so i can make safe and sound decisions as i did last week.

Im blabbing again huh ?....

Have a lovely day all, make the most out of it!stay safe and content, continue to make right choices, gift yourself freedom! Everyone is worth that!

S&B xx

Like you I soak up this time of the year, lovely being able to take the dogs out later it's very therapeutic and the dogs enjoy it. Also sitting out in the garden chilling.....well inevitably ends with dogs bringing ball after ball and then my 16year old son will appear he still can't resist throwing a ball about !! So then a happy me laughing at my son and dogs messing around. Best things in life really are free. You seem to have hit a happier patch and I'm glad for that xx

Awee lovely Charlie! Thank you so much lovely and you are right, Bella had an awesome time out and about as well as in the garden all day yesterday  and looks like the same treat awaits today ?...the only thing with ball is she destroys it in 3 secs ? and the one "alive" one we have, she tend to chase and catch and then lay on it instead of bringing  it back ...so guess who's  legs does all the work to walk over and repeat the throw ?...enjoy your day and make the most out of it!

Diary,  

Another  lovely  morning ?....a bit late up today as slept in much pain...from shins to neck...that's  exercised muscles  for you...oh, and I dropped  weights on me yesterday  too...overestimated  my strength  and looks like I cannot lift 35kg no longer as arms just collapsed...I am out of shape..yes...only 3.5k at fast speed and I was gasping for air, said weight is down to 25kg....and the rest of machinery  is slightly  lighter than I remember...but you know its ok, no self beating...just working  at it till I get back to the shape I was..at least have something  to work towards  huh ?

It was productive  day yesterday....garden, gym, walkies (2), shopping,  calling parents, calling sister, cooking, a movie...I did the ugly too but only had a couple and when I say a couple I mean that. Didn't  really enjoy drink and I guess its cause I got it in my mind that it's bad. Feeling  OK today, ...ready to have another productive day with early night as another tense week awaits. Oh...I also revised a bit yesterday too..

Looking forward to seeing more of the UK this coming  week. Last week was epic and we travelled  all over..o*g, I got to see seaside and mountains  and many towns I never visited  before. Just 10mins at the seaside in morning  sun with a cup of coffee  in my hand did the trick...peace all over!!

Right....walkies, gym, some housework  and peaceful  evening  awaits...

No gambling  to report!

Stay safe all, make the right choice. Be blessed ?

S&B xx

Just wanted to pop by and thank you for my message, it meant a lot and cheered me up.....

adam xxx

Nice to read about the good vibes you're feeling from getting further afield and enjoying those simple pleasures.

I can relate to the fitness thing. I struggled with my 5k yesterday, at a very slow speed but I still did it and not all days are your personal best. You do your best on the day, as you say. No point sulking about it.

Sunshine helps a lot, doesn't it?

Hi Adam and Freda, thank you for popping  by!

Yeah, I know Freda..that 5k was really challenging..and I huffed and puffed but completed  it all! Went gym 3 days in a row and yesterday  couldn't  walk ?? but today feeling  better! Strange how torso tensed already and I just can't  have enough  of it lol...so...when time allows (probs Friday) I shall head back there to take my medicine!

Diary,

Another tense day at work and I am not sure if am coming  or going...very tired...but....my baby's  B'day today and I even managed to persuade trainer to let me do some shopping  for her  during  lunch break to which he kindly allowed and even let us finish  a bit earlier today!!! So..lovely stuffed rabbit and yummy chicken grub was on a menu  for lil girl on this lovely day! Can't  believe  she is 8 already......my love for he keeps growing  that's  for sure!

Will go for epic walk soon and then beddies as long journey  awaits tom.

Ahh, ya know what diary? I am finally  gonna have a shower  ? not that I don't wash lol but cause I only take baths as shower is broken  and has been for a while! So now I got these attached shower things which you connect  to the taps and honestly  cannot wait to wash day's worries/stress/frustration  and of course  - sweat away!

Almost 2 months g free too so time truly flies...

Now I typed this in super fast manner lol so guess...can take a breather lol

Thats  me!! Stay safe and well all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Not very good day today and feel excessively tired. Felt this  from the word go today tbf.. not sure if its the aftermath  of this tense course..have been on a go for two weeks now and..we are kinda prepared for the "big" week next week which will require  even more energy and focus. The way I feel today,I don't  think I'm fit enough  but hopefully  another early night and a day off on Sat will put me back in shape for the rest of the weekend/week ahead.

Desperately  needed to get energy  back and one thing my parents  always said is a hot soup...one of the 5 a day...and so I came bk in today and cooked soup..cannot  stomach  much and feel like collapsing  really. Possibly  exhaustion..hmm...maybe. I am "dead" by 8pm daily yet mornings are difficult  to comply with..not good to wake up tired huh..

Anyway,  maybe it's just one off..I hope so anyway. 

Had a emotional conversation with dad yesterday morning. He had a run with law  enforcement the other day being a victim  to something.  Could hear in his voice that this shook him up. I've  seen dad crying  before but when he talked step by step about recent  event I felt very sorry for him. For him to say "I almost cried" truly broke my heart..I knew he cried, its nothing  wrong with that...its human.he also said he phoned mum straight  away "almost in tears"..I just tried to imagine how desperate  and alone he must be felt at the time..lost, confused  and hopeless...truly wanted and still want to give him a big great bear hug!!!

Positive  news...he got everything  recovered  what he has lost and so this will be a lesson in life I guess..to be more vigilant  and aware. ..I am just truly grateful  for law enforcement  over there..made me feel proud of the guys/girls over there....

Not sure what else to report.  I will need to email my therapist  at the end of month as she wants to know how I'm getting  on. Not sure what to put really...stopped drinking,  course is going  well, not managing  work as am not there...lol...im sure I will find something  to Nat about. This makes it different  from other counsellors..as no contact means no contact generally. Not sure if she felt that I wasn't  exactly  "there" on last session..and I wasn't  but knowing the backlog for ppl needing  this service,  I decided  not to be greedy and help myself with my own heart..which I did..at least doing..got rid  of Mr A after all...thank god!!

No gym for a week,...just no energy..I pray I feel better tomorrow  as I need to get a session  in!

Showered  lil one last night and guess she prefer baths. She started making sounds yesterday  I never heard before to the point I thought  she is growling  at me! She didn't..maybe just  wasn't  happy with proper spray on her head...

Right...I guess that's me. Still need to take lil one out for walkies..last energy needed...cmon S!!!! ?

Roooaaarrrrr 

Stay safe all, God bless ?

S&B xx

Hi diary! ?

Firstly -2 months g free! Yeehhaaahh!! Yeah, may long this continue  and even if the lapse after 500+ days is still fresh in my mind, I know that I can build back to this and beyond with continued dedication  and right choices. 

Found these past two weeks helping  in a way. Being busy is essential  for my journey  and the educational/work tiredness  is quite welcoming...just different picture of the day altogether.  I am aware I wasn't  doing shifts or nighshift  work for a month now. I see clearly how those affects  my wellbeing  and its not healthy in any shape or form but someone has to do it. Don't  see myself in that department  for long time and so need to get my energy  and confidence  back in order and start applying for other positions..more daylight  ones and something  I would enjoy  doing! Time will show...step at a time.

Sooo.. a day off! o*g how I needed this! Most importantly  a lay in lol..no 5am alarm clocks and it's so good for my mind and body. Slept in till 10 ?...little one was already moving around at 7 but I huffed and puffed for her to get bk to sleep...almost sleep talking ha!

Washing done, gym awaits..oh, had a good session last night and so good to be back there. Almost missed other people haha...seriously, it is good to see staff and other gym goers...so just maybe I'm not exactly  a lost cause just yet hiding under my stone not seeing daylight.  At least I'm facing  the world a little!

I see those posts of people going out and about ...enjoying diners away, beer gardens , etc...something  I never missed really. Lockdown lifting  feels strange..but gyms  are godsend and I truly missed it so guess see where others  coming from! Not so much luck  with hairdressers  as they're  fully booked till end of next month so guess I will have to show up with this roots for a time being..brings me down a bit but hay ho...need patience.  Sister went back to beauty salons as a dot last week..facials, hairdressers,  nails and so on..im not that much into beauty  and only thing would be good is a massage! Yeah, maybe some time this year will treat myself to it.

Watching my spending a lot. Figured that I am saving more now cause waved  goodbye  to Mr A..it actually  cost me like 60 quid a week so it is big bucks when they add up!

Back to course  tomorrow  and then complete this week. Final cross check on Friday and I am nervous  not gonna lie but eve if I fail, I took so much out of this course and already applied to my own private life. Makes it much simpler!

A lot of OT going  around and almost picked up a journey to London  today for work request. Would of been nice journey  and at least few hours over there to enjoy  warm weather but decided  against it as got a lot to do at home and no time really....still need to study for tomorrow..bahhh

Well guess that's  me! Another 5k on the menu plus lovely lovely weights! Love them to the core lol..also figured that being almost 36 my body is not processing  stuff as quick and so guess need to watch my food more now too  to get to the shape I desire. The thing is -i will get there ? how about that for positivity  huh!

Stay safe all, day at a time...be gentle with yourselves 

S&B xx

Yep proven fact night shifts affect body and mind. But I suppose someone has to do them !! When I was nursing I did plenty, I'm usually a mostly amiable person but nights made me cranky as hell, patient would buzz and I'd be ****** what do they want now had to stick a smile on my face !! But when an emergency situation came id go from zzzz to 100 miles an hour in seconds adrenalin I think. Hope you and your girl are enjoying the nice weather. And well done on the gamble free time it's mounting up again xx

Hi Charlie, thank you so much for your post! Hope you're  keeping  well and safe...at peace with the sunny day ahead of you..

Dear diary,

A bit gutted reading SA's update but there are so many things out of my control...I cannot wave a magic wand unfortunately... we are all accountable  for our actions, but it's easier to make the right choices  with support  and talking  things through. I know its the drum I keep on banging on about support  not having  any myself, but maybe it's part of self talk to actually do something  about it and finally  accept it to surround myself with better safety bubble .....

Last night was tough at work/course. Glad I have today off to recover before I hit the stress tomorrow  again. 

I found 15mins to catch up with my actual  work yesterday.  Got a complaint  coming  my way...bahhh...fully understandable  as person was left without  updates for far too long and even if my boss was aware of it since I emailed asking for support  regarding  this matter cause I'm not at work, he didn't  do anything....so I faced  the music myself last night...spoken to person, apologised and explained where  we are at...which is not far and Deffo not to their satisfaction  but again, there are a lot of things out of my control  as other departments  makes decisions not everyone  appreciates. Person piped up immediately  (understandable) and started talking  about complaint.  Now, am not sure if I sounded too calm or not too  bothered ( I certainly  am) when I 100% agreed and almost adviced to file a complaint.  Not sure if it threw them off the track thinking  that I should beg and plea not to do so instead. This job comes with many complaints..it will of course as the outcomes  are not always welcome by people. ...but I also cannot dig a golden grain out of muddy waters.

Bosses and colleagues  always told me to have my own back as nobody will be there when s**t hits the fan. They're  correct and I do have my back as I can back it up with my actions - emails I sent a month ago flagging the subject...so maybe I'm not as worried as I should be as in my eyes, I did everything  by the book...

Anyhow...this kinda ruined my day yesterday  as got a bit stressed. It is what it is, it's out of my control  and I shall stop thinking  about it. 

So, day off. Gym and early night ahead and I guess I just don't  feel upto anything  today. Just one of those days where I want to be on my own and pass time by till bed time. Its ok, I am allowed these days. As long as I don't  make the day a suffering  one by wrong choices...I will  be fine.

That's  me....

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Morning  diary!

Bag of nerves here and even if I should be in Zzzzz land, I am up an hour early as my mind is racing already!

Very nervous  about today and went almost coo coo yesterday  not being  able to manage the stress! So what I did? Come back home about 4pm ish..took lil one for a long walk, come bk and changed for the gym! Good session there and then straight  to the shop to get bits and bits for lil one...back in, cooking her meal...shower and good ppering session to follow and then food (pizza mind you!!! So unhealthy) and quick glance at TV!  Then about half hour pacing the room as mind was overriding  and bed! Mind continued  to will around but I am so knackered  following  this week, I think I shut down half  10...(which is late my normal timetable  given!!)...up at half 5 like a dot lol....even if had opportunity for extra sleep today!

Anyhow....D day is here...all hard work and stress will have to serve me in an hour today! ...d**n I'm pacing the kitchen now....need to calm down...walkies yeah!!! Yup, walkies should help...in this crispy morning  sun!

Whatever  happens  today, I know I did my best! And I truly  did..it wasn't  a walk in the park at all....but usually  hard work pays off right....yup.....let's  do this!!

No other concerns.....no time to fit addictions  in this brain!thank God! 

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi S&B, thank you for lovely words on my diary, it's truly thanks to people like yourselves that I've come this far. Never apologise for anything you write about yourself on my diary I love hearing about your life . Hope things go well for you , your job sounds very stressful, btw you handled the complaint fine, if confronted by a patient I would always smile, talk quietly, apologise for their distress and give them written details of who to go to should they wish to take it further. 9 times out of 10 they didnt, they want to vent and feel better for it. There will always be people who you won't please even if you bend in half and flip backwards......oooooo that gives me pain just thinking about doing that !!! Take care let us know how it all goes xx