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Hi diary,

Time to relax after long week of work. Relaxing  means quite a bit of work to do at home but...at least it's my time for me!

Work was tough but it's good to know I made difference  for others...positive and maybe on few occasions- life changing. Feeling is one of those where I feel little glimpse of ....kindness towards myself because  I really am NOT a bad person as I tend to tell myself. 

This is step forward. .even if only for an hour or a day...it is still positive  and I truly need this positivity. 

I trained a lot recently  too. Yes I know..maybe too much with heavy work schedule given but we all know how much I need this healthy escape and wind down. I shall give myself a day off gym today...just because. .my body needs to recover a little.

Its nice and warm/sunny outside  yet I need to lay this head to catch up on rest. See how I feel about the housework  when wake up and even if I cannot make any of it....I shall dedicate the day purely for doing  nothing...I think I deserved  it after this week ?

No gambling. 

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Diary,

I managed to sleep till late afternoon  yesterday  meaning that my body clock will struggle into the night. I did a lot around the house and then just sat down in front of tv. I had a drink. I noticed that it doesn't  take a lot for me to actually  get drunk. Deffo not the amount I used to consume.  What I also noticed is that I am quite angry person when in drink. Not sure why I change  like that but it's something  I need acknowledge and take into account going  forward. Don't  think i am violent  but can be very verbally inappropriate and looking for a row. ...not proud or happy about this ...??.

I remember  heading upstairs  at some point and whilst  changing  into pj's I tripped and fell...now...I am  not sure if I lost consciousness as can't remember  anything  until I woke up...not long ago too..in bed..I awoke in bed so at some point I must of managed to sort myself out. Also noticed multiple  cuts and bruises on this body. Knee, arm and so on. Mentioning  this as it actually  alarmed me and God forbid  I would of hit my head and died last night?  There are no people  to  check on me and i guess I would just lay there for days with lil girl probably  starting  to taste my flesh from hunger...

These are very serious thoughts  and I know it can happen to anyone (seen with my own eyes many accidents like that) at any time...but it doesn't  sit well with me.

I'm just scared to become one of the poor souls who wakes up in their own urine not being being able to recall what happened day before.

I checked my phone to see if I gambled last night but appears I did not. Thank you lord!! I know how these situations  can unravel and deep guilt/shame and regret set in afterwards. I'm glad I didn't...but I'm ashamed  I let other devil in. ..

Plan was to get up early, go gym and sort garden out...now, I am limping  and in pain, almost afternoon  and slight headache...choices last night brought  consequences  today.hmmmmmm.....

That's  me I guess. Need to do a lot of self work really as clearly I am not very well. Things are not gonna sort themselves  out of won't  start making right choices and help myself.

S&B xx

Dear @sb28,

Hi Zoe,...thanks

Trip and fall didn't finish  me as I managed the gym...so all not that bad..

What is bad...is that I gambled tonight.  More money down the drain...what is more worse?...I just got awful news and am still in shock. Very much in limbo as cannot believe it.

Suicides are real...and very strangely  comes from ppl you least expect  it.

I'm in pieces tonight.

Hi S&B, how dreadful, were you close to this person ? A couple of months ago a 17 year old boy in my sons school committed suicide, we didn't know him but still the thought that a young person was in that much inner turmoil .......so very very sad. But sadly these people have gone....it's you I'm concerned about the last few months you have struggled badly, is there anything we can do to help ?

Hi Charlie...

Thank you for touching  the base..its really appreciated.  Loneliness  is tearing me apart today.

I did know the person...very well..my boss, support, guidance..when I received the call last night, I originally  thought something  very bad happened  to my family. I almost collapsed but then the person kept talking  and I just remember  shouting NO over and over again. None of us seen this coming  and it just confirms how silent struggles can be.

Yesterday  was shock, today...I am finally  crying. I needed to cry because I struggle  with such emotion too often. So am letting  it go today..a cry and sadness  combined together. 

I think we all will be given a day off. I'm  awaiting a call from top top boss and I know everyone  is shocked..its not something  what comes easy to process.

His phone  will be checked and ...we spoke quite a bit but never ever did I notice a indication  of his struggles. Always chatty and funny..he helped me loads and I am not sure how I personally  will go forwards.  When your mentor  does this...its not much else left to go on to...I mean....I struggle  at work as it is.

Regarding  other issues...I am struggling. 

So, min at a time.

Ps...im very very sorry to hear such sad news from your boys school...MH is something  what needs to be looked at more..esp I this day and age.

Stay safe hun xx

Blimey... so sorry to hear of what you describe.

Sounds like your on an emotional rollercoaster just now.

Thinking of you.

S.A x

How awful!! So sorry, such sad news for you to get ?... We just never know what people are going through... The saying " everybody is fighting something you know nothing about so always be kind * resonates so strongly right now.

Sending you kindness and good thoughts ?

Dear @sb28 ,

I am so very sorry to hear this sad and shocking news. It seems like you're having a very tough few days. You know that we are always here for you if you want to talk. Look after yourself and hope that your employers are providing adequate support to deal with this tragedy. 

Take care, 

Keely

Forum Admin 

Thanks..I tried to access your service  today. By phone..but it cut off.. don't  know why..maybe...me on the records huh..."stay away one.. 

I struggle.  I managed  meet up with team but afterwards  it went down hill..more money down the drain.  I hate it..I hate my decisions. 

.P..you see?? You're  up above now...no stress ahead...now I can tell you deeply messed up I am...how much I hurt and struggle in life. How I don't see point  in any of this! And how blind I am to find a way forward...why did you do this? Why you left me questioning your actions? Why you didn't  share? Why you didn't  speak up? I thought  we are honest  with each other...but, as you see...I wasn't honest with my struggles with you...call it equal then yeah...I think we can... 

God help me pls

Just ring them back

They wouldnt have intentionally cut you off unless there was good reason too which they would have explained to you..prob tech error these things happen

Dear SB28 

I am sorry you were not able to get through to our helpline this evening. It sounds as though you have a lot going on at the moment and we are here to support you. Please do try calling us again or contact us on our Netline service. If you would like us to give you a call, please let us know a suitable time and we can arrange this for you.

Kind Regards

Ricki,

Forum Admin 

Thanks all,

That reaching out incident has been resolved, thank you very much GC for a call bk.

The rest...I don't  know where to start or to end. Things are strange last few days..many hugs, tears, silence and cup of teas! Everyone is struggling in their own way but now and a again we have a honest chat which lightens the load. Other departments  helps out and so...we are not here there and everywhere  every minute of the day so that massively  helps and allows a breather.

Regarding  my own personal management  of emotions..umm..don't know..up and down. ..a bit suicidal  last night but today woke up with a gust to carry on...its a bit of a sea saw emotions  recently.  Its another trauma to try and work through.  Not easy..not at all but this is reality. 

Regarding  financial  difficulties  following  lapse few days ago. That is painful  too. I guess I feel a lot of pain which comes in many different forms these last few days..here is bereavement, here is loss, here is stupid choices, here is drink, here is confused reality. ..had to put myself on diet again and strict saving plan. Did myself  in this time..so guess, there are a lot of things going  through this head. 

Didn't  manage gym as...head is tired from all those thoughts but shall try later today or tomorrow  before work. 

Don't  know what tomorrow  brings but still have today to get through  with.

Stay safe all, be kind to yourselves....and talk any issues through...because keeping  it all in is just making things worse for us...short and long term.

S&B xx

Diary,

Not great day if I'm honest. Almost didn't  go to work  as its v painful  to be there..but I did  eventually...dot on. What happened  after is just mental. I wasn't in a mood at all today..and quite Frankly treated few ppl the way they treated me. I was angry. I did shout. Not sure if its the reaction I'm getting  from recent  events. I'm angry. Day ended with saving a life which is always good to know but how long for? And how many we don't  know about?

My other boss asked I I'm OK today. I refused to speak. I kinda isolated today. Want to be on my own,  worse thing I can do really. When boss said see ya Tom...I just nodded...I just don't wanna be there, truly don't.  I'm not myself  again, going  through  all this trauma. Crashed car yesterday..but who cares...I honestly  don't.  Just don't  care anymore..its like a slow motion movie and I actually  hate it.

On top of what goes on in life I have these urges and consequences  to deal with and its S***e really..everything  is pretty S***e recently.

I gave lil girl  to sister...for now. Not even sure why as she helps me great deal but current state I am in, I don't  even acknowledge  her presence. Trauma sucks  

Stay safe all

.s&B x

Have you had any contact with a dr, counsellor or mental health professional you really sound like you need too.

Lou x