...

I agree with lou, I'm seriously concerned about you especially as you have taken Bella to your sister. Can we do anything to help you ? Please try and find a way to talk to someone, we all care about you and there is nothing we want more than to see you find some peace and happiness xx

Thanks both,

My apologies for raising concern this morning. I sometimes forget  how mindful  I must be on this platform and even if its comfortable  space for me to share and put my thoughts down, there are many souls on here who may find it traumatic/concerning/ shocking.

All the above is my life and please believe  me that  I never imagined its gonna be this way. They just comes in vawes...one event after another. I have not fully given up on therapy  but there is so much a person can say and assist with. I think I have heard the biggest part of techniques and coping  mechanisms. Sometimes  they help, sometimes  not.

Whatever  I go through  now, I've  been through  these emotions  and pain before. ..so In a way I know that the end is not the end really because things may get better again. It's just working  through  this pain which resurfaces quite often these days. ...but pain will lessen with time...and finally acceptance will  take place. I just pray that until that time I don't  get another shock to the system  as every single one takes a piece of me away. It really hurts and I recover  slightly  different  from previous  one. But I life, these events and..basically  every life's  event is shaping  us in one form or another. We never stop growing  or learning...we never stop coping with everything  in one way or another. It's just not easy, but it's again, life.

This recent  shock/news hit me hard. Not only cause I had a bond with person  but also that I feel guilty  knowing  that having that bond, I failed to see any warning signs. The thing  is he always cared for others and would not show his own pain. We cannot  help anyone  if they suffer in private bubble/silence..if they smile every day and brings morale  up constantly..you won't think that person struggles. Its just still very unreal and to be honest  whole team expects  him to stroll  in with a funny thing to say..or very wise and brilliant  piece of advice. The knowledge  he had for the job would blow biggest mountains away, never did he had no answer to any questions we posed. .im gonna miss that too...just the everything really.

Gambling...well, I was in this position  before so again, I know I can recover  to more peaceful  place and better financial  status. It is just hard in early days. I know my choices did not help me at all but its what I must accept  also. I still have choices  to make going  forward  and it must come from self care and willingness  to get better. I will try it.

Lil one is fine. Giving  her away did not come from a bad place. I just really needed to have some time for myself. Catch up with sleep and not rush around with walkies/cooking for her for a few days. As much as I don't  do anything  when gamble, I go 100mph when don't.  So yeah, I needed to slow this mind and body down for a few days. Besides whatever  I'm going  through,  I'm not exactly present and it's not good for her to see me like that. But we will reunite, cannot be other way.

My body aches today. Not sure if from the gym yesterday  or using all energy I had to drag struggling  soul off the bridge to safety...and then get the kicking because how dare I stop their decision to end their life. The thing what gets missed here, is that they don't know how difficult  is to deal with these situations at this time...whilst my own heart is weeping and bleeding following  a choice made by my good friend/colleague/guide.

But, we are not mind readers and never will be. ...possibly  the only superpower I would like to have at this time.

Life goes on, another day to tackle  ahead.

Stay safe all...please...things WILL get better.

S&B xx

Diary,

Day started in positive  spirits  yesterday  and I even managed to visit lil girl for a spell before work. Missed her dearly ?

Then work which was OK and better than day before. ..but didn't  last for very long as I once again started shutting  down and so it was silent last 3-4hrs. We talked about the losses and how it all affects  us..I mean the pain we see at work. And to be fair it's quite sad situation  we are in. Some of work colleagues  are such "tough cookies" they're  forced to accept support.  You cannot force  someone  but I guess it shows how much of an impact  all this has had on ppl.

Me...I disclosed  my suicide  thoughts  to work Colleague. Immediately  regret it because it appears that the emotions  does not happen to normal  ppl. I was probed and probed about how long  how strong, triggers and s**t that eventually conversation  made me to shut down completely.  Told him I don't  wanna talk about it. This is however  massive warning  flag for me because what appears quite "normal" emotion in my walk of life, actually  isn't  in today's  world. Then I say "normal" I mean reoccurring  and continuing for me. But as I explained  its only thoughts  and no plans/actions. However on the other hand, one drink too many or massive trigger can push me over the edge as it does for many ppl. So it's indeed fine line to walk on. 

I'm extremely  reluctant  to take help. Don't  want tablets and therapy...well, I did therapy  not long ago..appears I'm back to square one after all that effort as I felt really low recently. I honestly  don't  know what would help. Maybe distraction  and friends...latter I do not have. Distraction  for me comes in harmful  ways...so...hmm...

I keep remembering  how great I felt just over a month ago on my course. That was very rare emotion but guess that's  how it should be in life. Don't  know how to get to that headspace again.

Gambling.  Consequences  this time is difficult  to process.  I am counting  days till payday to lighten the load and stress regarding  money. It is tiring to count everything  day in day out and try not to touch bank account  for a day or two. Today I have to do shopping  and fill tank for commuting.  It stresses me like crazy. Thinking  beans on toast for a week may suffice but also aware that it's not enough  for me and I will need more energy input than this. I know that some OT would help out my mindset I this regard but I am shaking even thinking  about work. Don't  want to go there..its too painful...but again, is it just my eagerness  of isolation? ..maybe..quite possibly. 

Umm, got a day to fill in before  work tonight  and not even sure what to do. Maybe gym...shopping...hopefully  sleep later on.

Soo..overall its not the best emotions and feelings. But we move on huh..move on with the hope that tomorrow  will be better and calmer.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

As time passes  by, more acceptance is taking  place in my little  world.  As hard as it is, there will not be another text/check in, laughter, there will not be sitting  down with team and chewing  on the cud and putting  world to its rights, there are not gonna be discussions or going  through  difficult  times together. There will  not be such amazing  leadership or shoulder to lean on.

I came to realise  that we all make choices.  For better or worse but at a time we kinda believe  it's the best one going forward.  It's not always right one but most comfy  one circumstances  given. I accept that...even if many questions  are left unanswered, we all have choices to make going  forward.

I strangely  found peace last few days and just enjoy what I have in front of me. May not be a lot, but as we know, person having  it all may still feel the loneliest  person on earth and struggle  accordingly. So what I have done,  I looked in a bit. I figured  out what actually  makes me tick.. and it's very simple things...my lil girl,  Netflix, fresh air and ability  to get out and enjoy these little life's  treasures. I look at the sky, rainy or sunny and thank that someone  that I I still here and have this opportunity  for the day...day only..no plans ahead.here and now counts  the most...

I threw myself  into gym too. It's good to keep myself  distracted. My goal for this year is to get into shape I was I prior lockdown.  I liked myself tiny bit more then, more confidence  came back to me also.

Yesterday  i had an urge..just out of sudden. I mentally prepared  to get into overdraft for the sake of a little escape time. When I made this decision and just before  I started to research  some sites, I realised that I blocked my way of payment  just a week ago. The realisation  came as frustration really and I damned myself for doing it last week but today I woke up and thanked  myself for it. I kinda prepared  some blocks for the next "low" which was yesterday.  So I am relieved today. I have no way of self harming  through  this disease.  Its positive indeed.

Life goes  on, with its ups and downs...but its still life with an opportunity  to make better decisions in this walk. Opportunity  to find the identity of myself which got lost somewhere along the road.

I will get there.

S&B xx

I see a little more optimism, bless you, take it one day at a time xx

Yes, thought provoking post with a dash of optimism.

We all have choices at the end of the day. Simple things are the best things. I had a good run today in the great outdoors. I felt very alive at the end of it.

When I choose to gamble, I enjoy the thrill for a while but then it quickly descends into financial drain and personal misery.

Today i choose not to gamble and enjoy the simple things in life. Like you say, we can have all the money in the world but still be lonely in a castle.

I will get there tooo!! 🙂 x

Hey,

Thank you both for kind words. Hope you're  keeping  safe and well.

My days off nearing  the end now and found them quite productive  with gym and self care.

Nice to see sun out also. It does make us feel better I suppose.  Sad that some good souls will not enjoy this weather and world...but who knows what other side offers? Do hope its peace, calm and happiness over there.

Sister dragged me out to have a meal yesterday.  Found a beautiful spot near the river with boats doing their rounds...beautiful  marina too. So all in all, it was relaxing  time away, nice food and gentle stroll by the river. It takes some effort  for me to go out and about but glad I did...and we didn't  even fell out! This is positive. 

Did full week of gym work and my body feels it...lol...but good to keep exercise up..its for body and mind right...

Nervous about work but has to be done. Time is a great healer they say.  I shall continue  believing it and take it steady one step at a time.

Did not have many gambling  thoughts but maybe I down to knowing  I put block in place by blocking yet another bank card 

Finances still worries me and even if I try not to spend, it does happen  ...tenner there, 20 there and it soon adds up..need to manage it better  as this month will be really tight following  my actions earlier in the month...and also last month.

So this is me. Doing all I can to show self care and kindness.  It starts from within and nobody  can do it for you.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Not sure what happened  with my body today but could not get up and was in deep sleep like never before. Almost like sleep paralysis...just couldn't  function/move since first waking up at 10am...lasted 3more hours ?

Life continues  with ups and downs. Work is extremely  busy and far more dangerous  recently.  Sustained quite a shock of a attack few days back but pain is settling  down now. Does make me think why I do what I do....

Funeral  day approaching  soon and makes me feel sad. I don't  want to attend due to many reasons but I will have to and also want to pay my respects. It will be very organised  Funeral and he was extremely  respected  man...I still cannot believe  he is gone...truly can't. Acceptance  comes in waves..some days better than others but life goes on.

Trying  to keep on top of exercise.  Doing not too bad on that front..month 2 of busy sessions awaits...im sure I will continue  to reap the rewards it offers.

Financial  struggles are ongoing  and its day 3 with my full breakfast  left overs...ha...seriously! As long as its filling...tomorrow  I shall think of some sort of cheap recipe to keep my energy up. Still 2 weeks till pay day but again...day at a time I guess...I will survive. 

No gambling...Will worry about it on my week off work soon..I know urges will strike...but shall not think of this now.

Stay safe all, enjoy  the weather and good vibes sun brings over!

S&B xx

Diary 

Thoughts  are about survival  and fighting  this morning.  I can say I'm a fighter..yup I am. Fighting  all my life to find that something  what makes me "tick". I'm failing miserably.  However  I came to conclusion  that I did really well with all the changes, options, avenues I travelled.  I tried and that's my friend  is the doing of me. Trying  and not giving  up. Doesn't  matter that I struggle along...ya know...36 years is a long time to struggle  looking  for answers,  truly is. Changes and so on   yes, changes. ..I had many of them. ...still round in circles inside this soul. Just round I circles  I go. Maybe need to break this cycle, stop  suffering . Let it all go. I dunno...all I k ow is I'm tired of trying.  Let me sleep on this.

Been busy week at work. Too much if I'm  honest...another thing what makes me think of my options.

I love my baby girl and family. Very deeply. Another thing jumps in mind....why I have to survive  for others? How is this fair when I keep getting  up to please others with my presence  but myself? Will I ever live for myself? What is it like to enjoy  life? What is it like to look forward  to stuff?

Answers in the post pls...

No gambling...even if I see it as a "positive " in my current  mindset.  ..but I shall suffer & exist some more.

S&B xx

& boy didn't  I need some good sleep. Lack of it truly messes with my head...plus difficult  week at work on top...no wonder my head is all over the place.

I emailed my counsellor our monthly update email. Was honest and expressed how I felt recently...esp after the P  passing .

To my surprise she responded immediately  (didn't  think she works Sundays). Of course she heard of tragic  news and asked if I could do some sessions with her. I declined  . Mainly  cause I struggle  talking  about it and on the other hand, nothing can be said to make things better. Besides I can imagine that a lot of people  reaching  for her help as quire few big situations  happened  recently  which affected  staff.

So, life goes on. Better days and not so good days...yet, I am kinda shuffling forward.  Gym is my go to and I get myself there on daily basis if I can. Does help to get a lot of stuff from my system.

Little girl continues  to be my rock and supports me in any shape and form she can. I love her to pieces! She is stopping  me from doing something  stupid. Truly does.

I'm on holiday  now and truly contemplated just driving away with lil one.  Near the sea or somewhere away from ppl...but again, finances stops  me in my tracks. Yup..I can't afford even a journey away...I can't  even afford lovely flower pots for my garden.  It needs brightening  up but again everything  reflects  money. A week till pay day and man I eat very little.  Surprising how can human survive on this little. Lil one on other hand eats as previously.  She is not gonna suffer  down to my stupidity . I would not make that happen...ever.

I guess that's my update. Sometimes  I really need to talk and last night was one of those  times. I could not get through  netline so....made that call. And I'm not the person who enjoys talking  on a phone..lol, believe me or not, I I very shy and anxious  person. Even at work I rather go see people in person that pick that phone up.

Anyway, I thank the advisor  for her time, compassion,  patience  and understanding.  I tend to forget what magic simple chat carries. I appreciate  your time f.

Funeral later this week and I have tears rolling down the face every  time I think of it. I am not sure how I will keep it all together  on the day...but, I am sure many people  feels as I do. Many close relationships  has been shattered following  this sad news. I will try my best to show my respect without falling to pieces on the day.

Take care  now diary...stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Another day upon me. Beautiful and sunny. I don't think I appreciate  these little miracles enough. Life itself  which presents  never ending opportunities. "Look and you will see", this strikes a deep meaning today.  I guess we are often blind to see what is in front of us. Daily routine, chores,  race oppose gentle walk in the road of life.  Frustration,  disappointment,  loneliness,  defeat. Stop and look around. What do you see? What do you feel? Dig deep, find understanding  within.  Acceptance  and forgiveness..break these chains and allow presence and opportunities in. There is always  something  out there, without a doubt,  as mysterious as it can come across,  acknowledge  the signs, allow to be guided,  accept change. Swap negative  with the positive, small steps, keep hold of hope and something  what is not here yet. Have patience,  believe.

I can feed myself of all this as much as I can, inner battle is still ongoing  however as I heard before..."think good thoughts,  create better reality".

Today I am giving  myself a day off. No gym  or anything of that nature. I shall sit in the sun, with my lil one by my side. I shall pass few good thoughts  to P...he seems to be present all morning.  My mind hadn't  switched off about it all yet. I ask silent questions,  I am trying  to resolve the puzzle.  Reality is, I cannot do that. Too many pieces are missing and I will never know true answers.  And maybe  I don't  need yo know because what I had and still have in my heart is true and real. So so glad I have met you in my life. Thank you for everything.  Drive along that mysterious  road, enjoy the freedom, you're  in a lot calmer place now. I miss you but I believe will see you one day. Keep smiling....

S&B xx

Hi diary,

For a second  thought  the forum came to life with many posts but appears just introductory posts has been removed. Does look a bit more lively I must say. 

Keeping dynamics and aura healthy on here is quite important.  I feel guilty not to engaging and supporting others but I guess everything  evolves and changes in life regardless and so few extra posts wouldn't  make much difference.  

This place, however remains my comfortable  place to post, went, share. Do it for myself really. ..and I apologise its not always about gambling/recovery,  ..as I always stood by it - life itself creates those circumstances with choices we make and emotions  we feel...ultimately  ending  up in relapse or another notch on recovery  road.

Another sunny day upon me. A hot one already and as I sit in the garden and sip this coffee, I think to myself that days just passing me by. Holiday time is ticking  along and before I know it, I will be back to work not exactly  having  what to look back upon. ..sigh, it's OK. .could be worse couldn't  it. Could still spin those wheels till cows come home and sit here in desperate  headspace thinking  what have I done and how to get out of debt or pay back yet another  debt.. so...this is not happening  today. Fee pennies for gas and electric is put aside as I'm about to run out...pennies for petrol is also saved up as I need to get to funeral  and jab place later in the week...the rest...I shall sit tight and await pay day. Lil one is fed and looked after. We wait till evenings  to go for walkies as its a lot cooler and I don't want to burn her lil paws on hot tarmac...saying  that she is always in the garden and I have to usher her inside to cool down. She loves heat and sunbathing....would love to take her to the river for proper cooling down session...am just cautious  of other dogs and so on..cannot risk it.  Not again. Need to protect her from harm.

Soo... gotta get ready for gym don't  I.  Don't  feel up to it today but must continue  to exercise  the body and mind...do what he's me with that balance huh.

No other plans today. I don't  plan my days. I know that nothing  exciting  will happen day in day out simply  cause I don't  create those positions  for excitement,  adventures  and opportunities. My choice I guess.

Safe from gambling  just for today...and by that I mean, I will try and not create a gap for it to happen. I can only try.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Difficult feelings 

Sometimes  saying  less means more but sometimes  unsaid things can fester unhealthily inside. Lil one senses my sadness and I am truly trying  my best to be present for her. Bless her soul...maybe it's you trying  to comfort me? You left me speechless...its so so difficult. 

Hi SB28, I've just been reading your latest posts. Just thinking about when you wrote:

"No other plans today. I don't  plan my days. I know that nothing  exciting  will happen day in day out simply  cause I don't  create those positions  for excitement,  adventures  and opportunities. My choice I guess."

I really hope, and believe, that your life will change when you least expect.  As you say, you've not been consciously creating positions for excitement but I hope life itself intervenes and gives you a break.

Thinking of you here SB, you take care Ok 🙂 

Hi Roch,

Thanks for popping by. Yes, deep down I nod and  agree with you. Biggest changes  often happens unplanned/unexpectedly.  I hope you're well and taking it day at a time in your recovery,  let it mount up. Free  yourself  from those chains.

Diary,

Woke up very tired and obviously  puffy face as just let myself go with tears last night. Was too much to handle to aid me stay in rational mindset.  So I let it flow. Haven't  slept well last few nights and up at like 2am staring at the ceiling.  I guess warm weather contributed  to this also a bit.

Sent boss off to a calmer place. ...I think it broke me as something  snapped and forced me to finally accept  the reality. Hurts you know..truly does. Not many ppl understands  apart from colleagues and few on here. I'm Billy no mates at work and here....here the same. Those few I had, are no longer by my side. 

Something  ever so weird happened  that I never experienced before. The usual busy place full of ppl and cars suddenly went silent. Silence I never "heard" before. Eery ....could hear my heart beat...and yup...It did some overtime at a time. Glad I didn't  pass out. Strange how absolutely  everything  in life has come together....in peace and silence...respect. Even birds or planes or other outdoor  activities. Absolutely  everything. 

....ummm,had urges today. To the point I had in my head next move to research  sites and then I realised I have bank blocked...that put me back in my place immediately. So...not so much urges now, just wishing  to escape. Anywhere  in any shape or form. Feeling lonely but once again I made ultimate mistake to push support  away...because ya know...I can deal with it...ha...no I can't! But try and tell this to my arrogant self. Silly girl S...silly girl...I will try and keep  it all together.  That's  all I can do.

Just for today.

S&B xx