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Hi diary,

My resolve to stay stopped is still going  strong. This time last month & a month before I was panicking  about how to make ends meet. I put myself  on strict  financial  plan...it did work, I survived.  This month I am breathing  a bit lighter. I managed to recoup (by saving) last month's  losses and it feels refreshing.  I am still checking acc and counting  spending every day but maybe that's  what I truly needed, to introduce  this discipline  I lacked and keep myself reminded about how easy I can do the damage and suffer for weeks...of course...last month's  mahoosive pay truly helped to get on even keel and next months will be challenging  as I'm taking a break from overtime and so on. ...so finances must be in order month in month out. I'm determined  to keep it this way.

I had very real dream about boss last night. Woke up shaking  really because in the dream he became alive and just said that he needed time away from ppl.....and then he was gone again and strange events followed....

I don't know, this stuck with me. I think I still need some sort of help regarding  this grief..but I'm scared to open up the wound and river of tears again. It's OK to miss someone...which I do and will continue  to do so, just hope it will get a bit easier with time.

Work has been hectic.  Culmination  this weekend  and even if I'm not looking  forward  to it, needs must...

I guess its me. Biggest madness  and stress gone purely due to me making right choices. Day at a time indeed.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

As time goes by, I feel more dissociated. I find it difficult  to talk and interact.  It hasn't  affected my work to such extent  yet because my job is to communicate  with ppl. I tend to shy away from colleagues  tho. I thought its them keeping  a distance  but I think it's me and eventually it stuck to others. "S always keeps herself  to herself".  Dead from inside but still functioning  from the outside. I have issues and am not sure how to start addressing  them. Well, I sort of know but sure I cannot do it by myself. Too much of a ask.

I had urges last night....some difficult  memories  and situation  I find myself in with work. Deep end really which I guess will be investigated.  Waiting  has never been my strong  point. I want outcome  here and now. 

I tried to speak to someone  on here last night.  What a disappointing  experience.  Esp when I struggle  to share. I have these moments where I can speak up and feel I can let it out but....I find that on those moments I'm not being listened  to...and so the circle goes round....back to my own little cave...shut down...

In a way I hope that maybe my account  on here is flagged up and that's  why I get such "treatment " because if service as such is provided  for others, that would be very concerning.  Robot like .....nah nah....now go. ?‍♀️

Today I want to gamble  as yet again received  bad news from back home. Wish I was there  to support  people  involved  which is family and relatives but I can't..im miles away. I shall grief in silence and my own little heart...again...by myself. 

I must stay strong, the vulnerabilities  may get the better of me...cannot let this happen. Almost 2months free...I must carry on on this path.

S&B xx

Hey, I feel so bad that you're hurting so much, but there's no magic words to help. I hope this breaks soon and you start to see light again. Take care xx

.. 

https://youtu.be/hdw1uKiTI5c

I will still rise...of course..

You know what was v difficult  today...dad saying  he never seen scene like that, pool of blood and so on...he says " I had difficult  instances  where I had to close the eyes etc... but nothing  like this "...how does it make me feel? I felt very emotionless...his lil girl...who has lost her sense in trauma really..why? Because  I see that or worse day in day out. Nothing  seems to move me anymore...not tears of loved ones, not shoving and pushing  you because "It's  your fault"...not distress  or chaos...nothing moves me any longer. I've  seen too much of this s**t  really...

I'm just worried  about dad.  Cause quite apparent  in his all life, he didn't  have to deal with this close up trauma..Maybe I'm immune cause of watching  open heart surgery in the middle of the street...and hundreds more. I'm sick of death ok...seriously  am sick of it all!

But....still I rise because I have my own life to live.

So, giving dad support  as much as I can via phone calls and so on..I let him share. What sounds so traumatic  for him comes in calm manner in my mind. Zero emotion.  That's  what I have become really. It's not exactly  human to be this "cold " but I guess I had my own share of stress/trauma and horrified  feelings. Maybe it's time to rest my mind from all this. ..and maybe this is really the time now cause my mind would not handle this? Maybe I learned  to know myself better by now and just batting any "threats" away subconsciously.  Who knows...all I know..this is not affecting me too much, I block it ...and I don't feel bad about it to be fair.

So..counting  minutes till football  kicks off! Why? Because I will have a moment of peace and silence outdoors!yeah man...can't  wait to take lil one  out because  I'm sure it will be dead all around...! Ha...our opportunity  to enjoy  a good walk and a swim for lil one...

Thats me...2hrs of pure peace...thank you Lord.

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Whilst things looked doom and gloom over the past...what...7-8 months ....universe has decided to give me a break it appears.

Something  came up with work what nobody seen coming  and I feel more appreciated  than ever before. I'm going not only national  but international now lol...seriously...how and when this opportunity  arose I do not know, but I Im truly looking  forward  to it. 

It is exciting  for many reasons. ..and just maybe my hard work has a purpose and future in the field after all. I just failed to channel my "skills" in the right way until now.

So, things are looking  up. Many big changes on the way also and maybe I'm not ready  for some of them, I know that...that higher power got me...just got me safe and sound....and acknowledged/respected  human being. Maybe this boosted my self confidence  and self look a bit also. ..all very positive  indeed.

Heavy shift again  tonight  but was expected..apart from staffing lol...always short.

Umm, have had  urges recently.  Yesterday was difficult  but today kept my mind occupied  so..I shall let it rest and don't  think about such escapes.

Life is full of surprises.  I see it clearly now..I am sad this that my boss didn't  give himself  a chance to experience  changes and positive  outcomes which can really be just round the corner.  Really miss him dearly. My rock...my biggest support  and encouragement.  I hope you see me now...just how different  I feel over the past two days. How hopeful  and tiny bity  enjoying  what I do. I also hope I am making  you proud.  

That's  about  it today. Sleepies calling. No workout  lined up later on as busy with work and did plenty yesterday  anyway ?

Stay safe all, be kind to yourselves. 

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Well....such a busy week! Not sure if I'm coming  or going.  Feeling a bit stronger  mentally  so back in the game court with OT. Positives and negatives there as I am on autopilot  and do need to take care of my wellbeing!

Gym is flying through the days and I a more active there like never in my life.  Its good..I like the results and it tires me out...and just maybe also boosts my MH.

Business  trip just round the corner  and I originally  thought  it's not gonna come together  as there were many barriers to jump over...but hay ho, it kind of came to life and  I'm liaising with all parties involved  so kinda almost sleep with my work phone lol...its just so much documentation and stuff to do to be released and of course communication  with other country to reach agreement  takes some time. 3 day trip  ended up being a week now lol...but hay!!! Paid 24/7 so cannot complain  one bit!..plus it breaks my daily life up...and it's free!no more needs to be said huh...

Feel like I am tucked in higher chain also which is very strange feeling but maybe helps me to feel appreciated! So all is good...until the D day which I am bit worried about but sure I will be guided.

Getting  all the loose ends tied before I go to work in other town and so far so good. Pretty cleaned my work station lol....

Also getting  amazing  feedback  regarding  my role and I just don't know what's  going on outta sudden! It's like world started to evolve and expand in front of my eyes! I need to keep this up and believe in myself more...I don't have to be critical  of myself  because I am being told to and time again that I am good at what I do. ..I truly hope I can see it myself one day and accept the excellent  opinions of others.

Gambling? What Gambling...?...none of that. 2 months in 4days time. Slowly does it!

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

It has been a bit of a struggle  with urges lately. Well....since yesterday  actually. I decided (once in 4 years I think) to go and have a shopping  day. £220 later I felt immediate  regret. Like....all that money...I save so hard each month. Counting  pennies....and here I sit with 3 pairs of new converses/trainers...?...maybe not exactly  what I should think off after 13hrs shift but cmon.   Really? 3 pairs? Why...I  cannot take them with me on a trip as its all "smart" dress code ?..I have to laugh  else I will cry! 

I got a handbag  out of it tho, so at least some soothing  to this broken soul. I'm a bit into panic mode now...its too much to think about..too complicated.  Unless Im making it that way.  Possibly.  Its just so many changes on horizon  and so much going  on at once. I like busy but this busy? I'm not sure...ummmmm....

Ranty mood. I'm tired and still batting urges away...give my £220 back i say... my vices loves that thought  indeed...but, two fingers at ya dear vices! I will enjoy my 3 pairs of trainers instead ??

It's beautiful  morning  and I shall head to bed. A "dollar" earned and my favourite sun missed...life and its ups & downs huh. We all have a choice to make I guess...I made mine, I sleep in this bed now.

Later diary

S&B xx

Ps. My next door neighbour  is learning  to play guitar.  LEARNING -is understatement! 

It's OK now as I'm tired and hopefully  just pass out but when unconnected  notes flies all over till 23:00hours when I have to be up at 4am.. it is not funny! Its purely  frustrating! Good job he doesn't  pass the threshold  of the time as I would be..(maybe) round his end sharing my piece of mind. Cmon..take it outside (outside the neighborhood) or maybe...better option - get some playing  lessons! I could drift  off to nice tune but not this 5 seconds "masterpiece" and 20 mins trying  to get strings in harmony...!!! Grrrrrh!!! ?

Rant no 2. Over!

Diary,

Not the best of days. I tried to have the best of both worlds  so had maybe 4hrs sleep. Woke up feeling like been whacked with potato bag over the head!..only managed to cut grass...that's  it. No gym and no enjoyment in the sun. Too tired...cannot have both  worlds ?..just cannot.

Ummm...separation  anxiety is really reaching  its peak now. Cannot leave lil one behind.  I love her soooooo much!I know she will be fine but...every day with her truly counts  in my world...the smiles and love we share. She wasn't  impressed  with cold shower today but I knew she is hot...so...Guess she thanked me afterwards  ?

Anxious  about the trip and then all those changes. Everything  seems to come along at once. Freaks me out. I'm packing- repacking and making notes what I need to take with me. Bahhh...I know I overcomplicate stuff..like what to dress for airport? I like changed my mind 20 times already! It's hot here and even hotter where we are going so it will be a sizzle. Cannot rock up in my shorts can I! ..esp when my delegation will be suited and booted. ?

I don't  know how to feel..im stressed and still pretty much tired from yesterday.  Money is good but my wellbeing  felt a knock for sure...

But there is always tomorrow...and another day.  Maybe brighter and lighter head (hopefully  after decent sleep) will show me more optimistic  signs...saying  that, I'm back to work for a few days ain't  I...lol....this witch deffo does not rest!

S&B xx

Hi diary,

A lot better start of the day today!bagged all 10hrs sleep and the difference  is amazing! So much more energetic.  

Taken lil one out early in the morning so we could skip the heat later in the day. She was still very hot so we cut it short. 

Then it was gym and shopping....bahh, my spending is out of this world past few days but in a way...I buy stuff I need and ..its like - lip gloss..I don't think I had one on for maybe 5 years...so...it was nice to treat myself today! Probs not gonna use it much but, we shall see...also, its madness  as I was browsing  clothes section too ?..what? Me in that part of shop...jeezzzz...not sure why...maybe cause of that trip as I still cannot make my mind up on stuff!

Had a lovely cool shower, did washing and cooking  now..its not even 3pm so check me out!!!

Early night as back to the grind tomorrow but its only few days and then my new adventure  begins ??

No gambling  to report.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi sb, just wanted to say thanks for popping by my diary, i often forget anyone can read them lol, enjoy ur trip, once i turned up at the airport in flip flop and a vest lol nothing wrong with that.xxxxx adam xxxx

Haha...yup...that would be ideal! I just have to remember  its not holiday trip and all business like ?

re my mum...this freaked me out last year but kinda got round the idea...what she sees/ hears.....is me. ?..why me? I dunno.. I think we are connected  to deep level and she feels guilty for the way upbringing  went. It freaks me out ...im  ot gonna lie but it is what it is. I also hope she gets better soon...I also cannot help but think if mind channels variety of stuff and kind off takes over if that makes sense. Takes the road of no control but something  meaningful  for the person.. I could not know...honestly. I don't  know what goes on through  ones mind.

S&B  x