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Hi San.

Hope you & little girl are well. Live sports was my thing & I wouldn't have a clue about FBTs but that doesn't make it right for someone to come on my diary and defend someone that claims they're are not addicted to that side of gambling. CGs live in cloud cuckoo land & it ain't about what they gamble on, it's about having a gambling problem. Part of the buzz is about beating the odds I think no matter what your poison is. I agree that those involved have agreed to try & stick to gambling issues rather than saying in certain forms it's ok. However I'd prefer to not know about what folks claim they are in control of. Gambling Is Gambling. Thought this place was about recovery. I'm on your side on this one.

Al

Hey SA, D, and Al

Hope you're all well. Thanks for the posts. Al, how is your journey going? Been a while since I've seen you posting, hope all is well and peaceful  in your world!

Diary,

Mad last few days and it's almost like being  on a hamster  wheel at work. Should see us trying  to get some food yesterday...even I didn't  know I can chew so fast. Its the downside  of the job really...eat (if you can)...when you can and never delay it for later...because later is always unknown  and you simply  end up with no food ...lol...I miss set t/breaks where you can just truly chill and not rush for 20mins...

Gambling  wise I'm OK...due to the above I guess as its just too busy to have that spare time for such thoughts. 

Massive gaps with gym due to the same. I do prioritise  my sleep now. Shame, moving across  I thought  I will have more time for myself but it worked out opposite way and I do wayyyyy more hours than previously.  Hope situation  improves as nobody can carry on as we are asked to do now. Its insane!

That's  me. Calm and content.  Just for today?

S&B xx

Hi San,

Good to hear from you. Still clean & celebrated 3 years GF on the 9th of August. Never thought I'd achieve that when you & I first met. Still take it 1 day at a time & can honestly say I no longer dream of Cheltenham, The Epsom Derby or Royal Ascot no more. So many wasted years through addiction & being the bookies whipping boy.

From 27th July till 3rd August enjoyed a week in Tenerife, (without constantly looking at my phone behind my wife's back in order to check results & place bets ) . Debt hasn't completely gone but nowhere near as bad when I first came here. It was 1 year since I finished my treatment on 2nd June & still in remission thank god. So feels like the man upstairs given me 1 more chance & trying to repay him by staying GF.

You're doing well too I know you can be a strong & determined soul when you want to be. I can honestly say my life's better now than it's been in years. Who knows what the future holds for any of us, but I think the one thing we all agree on is giving in to our addiction, things only get worse.

Stay Safe & Stay Strong

Al

I would always find time for food!!

As soon as I feel the pang of hunger I eat something, rotting carcass, anything lol 

Its so hard to find balance in life isn't it. Workaholic, Gymalholic, foodaholic (in my case), caffeineaholic, gambleaholic, isolationaholic, internetaholic, acoholaholic...

.... mix and match to suit the moment 😉

S.A x

Haha SA....spot on indeed!

Regarding  food, the same situation  yesterday (even worse as I had no time for a bite for about 8hrs in 10hrs shift). But yesterday  enough  was enough  and I snapped (yup...old good dragon me). Told them I'm hardly walking  on my feet as I need food, got like 500 pages of paperwork  to catch up and asked  to leave me alone)...which they did ...but miraculously  no work was needed to do for that time so...I kinda just once again shown my snapping  techniques for nothing  ?....had my salad (even if rushed) so still result!

It was sad morning  today. I watched funeral vid and everything  got back to the front of my mind again. Cried my eyes out ...enjoying  puffed up ones today ?..I just miss him I guess ...and watching  that, was something  to actually  push me to realise that facts are facts and he won't  come bk....

Ummm...im sad with lil girl. She is sooo slow now. Sleeps a lot...eats a lot too but does not move a lot...breaks my heart...I tried just now to usher her out for a ball game which she did...for 5mins before heading  back to bed ?..maybe need to take vets or maybe  just mother nature  is running  its course...I guess im just very frightened of loosing her...that's all...

I liked your post just now about family  traits. I nowhere near show myself some kindness  and care. Don't  know why I punish myself for being  me. Its not right is it. I feel a bit low recently  but I'm 100% sure this time it's work related. I'm drained. It's worse than ever before. I'm not suicidal  tho..which is a relief...really don't  miss those emotions I had 3 months ago. I kinda wait for them to come as I know myself, but so far so good...even if Im tired, peed off and low...Im keeping  that balance  of looking ahead...with hope. That is all what needs to be done sometimes. 

I went gym today,..First in a week and just had a wholeheartedly  cooked dinner!!! Filled myself  ready for nighshift  as definitely  don't  expect  miracles of food at work lol....madness  for sure.

Few more to go and few days off. Nothing  planned, apart from sleeping  really. Need to catch up on that (still).

S&B xx

Ps..Al, so great to hear you're  doing so well! Keep up good work, better days are here and you deserve  every single minute of feel good in your life! Best wishes and stay safe xx

Hey, San

That self-care and being kind to yourself is a habit you can develop. Every little bit helps to make it feel more and more normal. Maybe packing a meal replacement bar, is a practical, small way to move in that direction? Something nutritious that you can munch down fairly quickly. I'm not sure about the general good nutritious ones but I know for vegans we have Huel bars which are nutritionally balanced to replace a real meal, occasionally. Food for thought, if you pardon my pun.

It is sad to see our beloved animals getting older. It is good that nature gives us those gentle, gradual, reminders that we will eventually have to be parted. I don't suppose anything prepares us fully, though.

I'm glad you are not feeling those dark thoughts creep in. Exercise does help to keep the mood up, I find.

Take good care,

f x

Hi Freda,

Thank you so much for your post. Strangely  I was just talking  about self care on SA's diary.

I think Im getting  hang of it now...some things we need to learn or re-learn and maybe self care Is one of them for me. The smallest things can bring the biggest pleasures. We do need to look after  ourselves  and only we know what helps us in such quest.

.last two days I just did nothing. Breathed, exercised  and spent precious  time with little baby. I cooked hot meal also so that's another  massive sleep love example.  Self love huh....I got this bday present  of a voucher  for full body massage...lol, something  this body truly would benefit  from as my back is playing  up big time. Salon, however  is I town i still don't wish to visit as I worked there 3 years and truly not upto the journey  back there lol....but I want my massage and it expires  in November. Hmm,maybe I will head out there next week. Sometimes  when we push ourselves,  it actually  gives us good results  huh.

So my self care for today is gym, reheated diner (lovely chicken!!!), spending  time with little girl and just chilling... sounds like a plan!oh...they have swimming  pool at the gym  now too...shall I or shall I not ?

Question  of the century ?

Much love & peace girl

S&B xx

Well, after all that...im struggling  with urges big time.

SA..I did 5k in 25mins 20 secs....sorry, I will try harder next time.

All was OK until I got phone call from sis who is struggling  mentally  (that's the first) and even cries before work. She asked me what "I was on before" as she wants that. ..well, this came as double edged sword really. I was on pills before.  ...wayy before ..maybe 4 years ago. Strangely  she sounded with a pinch of salt. I don't  know  why. I advised her to see GP. ..what else can I say? And even if I should be able to say more to struggling  soul, she just taken me by surprise...plus I know she wouldn't listen. I can do MH referrals all I like, she will not accept  that help...sigh...I don't  know what to think. Hope she phones after work...even if I don't k ow what to say. Honestly  not sure if her words meant to "bite" me earlier...felt like it..being judged...for struggling I my life.

Anyway. Now I just want to escape. Maybe not cause of that...Maybe just pass the time and maybe just miss the buzz!money?...yeah, it's never enough  but with crying  heart I know I would lose...so why to bother? I tried so hard to save up...I didn't  gamble  for 2 or 3months...I don't know how long...since he left us ?...

Limbo here. What if win?can I withdraw?cause the sites I can access are the ones I already self excluded...but they offer me bonuses? Surely I'm allowed to deposit  then?!

What a mess!!!! I hate you gambling...I hate to want something  so much which slowly kills me from within..why I want this poison ?..and why I never learn..

Hiya.. Its been a long time since I went to the gym or timed myself for 5 km. But as far as i can see, if 5 km is 3.1 miles then you were doing 8 minute miles, which equals a pretty respectable time to me. So well done you! 🙂

As for your sister, you can be a listening ear, but ultimately we manage our own mental health as best we can. It sounds like you have quite a complex relationship with your sister. I wouldn't want to comment anymore

As for the gambling, like any true addict your just craving the dopamine fix... the usual escape from yourself for a while, a bit of temporary euphoria. We get into trouble cos we actually do it to "pass time" (rather than anything to do with money) and to free us from internal pain "for a bit". Distract yourself some other way if you can.

I think youl find you won't be able to log on anyway, cos your Gamstopped. I hope you make a good decision for yourself, but even if you don't your still my recovery buddy. Weird isn't to have a connection with someone youve never met or even spoken to.

Hugs S.A x

Thanks SA,

Just phoned her as needed a distraction  anyway...and she didn't  ring first ?(usually  does after work).

So....lengthy chat and I even go to the avenues  of MH referrals  which she refused. Kinda decided for her to have at least shirt gym session  and call GP Tom.. for an emergency  apt. She...reluctant,  can tell she is a fighter...ya know what.  Never thought  I will ask her, but had no choice  today about "self harming  thoughts"...none present ...phew!! 

Just caught in the mill of work/house stuff and so on..just after  holiday  which always plays a role to get bk to routine  somewhat difficult....am just worried I guess...she says talking  helps.. no s*it sherlock  huh.. I know all this stuff...

Nahh,we are not close. She never discloses  struggles..dont think she has any tbf, ...happy go Larry she is!!

Didn't  gamble...and no.. if I wanted to..the sites are not under gamstop anyways. Nasty, secret sites...robbing  ya off with no second  thought. 

That's  me  ...also good to hear from you...my 4.57 mins a k....ha!!! I didn't  count my warm up walk first min..May as well  be within  limits huh ?

S&B xx

I feel relieved I did not make bad choices  last night. Urges were strong and I went on demo games but rational  side of brain kept protesting  that it's all just waste of time and money. Which is always right in my experience.  Time flies by same as money just dissappear into the either.

I woke up at 5am today. Second  day in a row really. Work stuff is on my mind and keeps me its prisoner. I'm never off shift, let it be physically/emotionally/spiritually/uncontiously.

Today I'm a bit flat.  Cousin  came for a monthly visit so maybe that's added to how I feel. Back ache,belly ache..all sorts.

Managed gym tho...like a real troop me lol.. leg day to ease pressure  off upper body so wish me luck on walking  tom.

Work is on my mind. I wish I could just  detach sometimes. 

Hopefully  safe evening again tonight,  I admit have those lingering thoughts.  Common sense, please continue to keep  me safe ?

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Well, 15mins spare out of my busy work schedule  and just came here to ...to..?..im  not sure, maybe just to talk..to myself I guess. 

Didn't feel too well mentally  yesterday.  Maybe cause exhausted.  Doing really long shifts and snapped on few occasions.  Apologised of course but this cannot carry on and management  needs to make some changes as all this is just burning  us down like crazy. 

Sometimes  I just want to scream and shout, sometimes  cry and sometimes,  like yesterday  just give up and leave this world. Thoughts like that are easier to process recently  and I hardly see anything wrong with it...trying  to help myself  after all? Can't be a bad thing to want to set oneself  free...but again...Maybe there are other options  available...who knows.. there must be.

It's strange cause I'm the one to support and encourage  other REALLY struggling souls in this world. Safe to say I saved few ...which is really nice to know...but,I now remember  my boss (RIP) and even if he was the same and saved thousands...deep down he hurt.. and that's where I see resemblance...I hurt too......?

Weighed  myself at the gym yesterday  and lost another  kg. So down to 57kg now..last year I was up to 64. ...so guess,...stress and not really having  time to eat did the trick here. Not feeling  exactly  healthy so solution must be found to balance that department. Back to the gym again and even if every two days and not daily, it's still something.  Body does feel stronger and am  not expecting perfection.  Like my stomach tho....and "love handles" almost disappeared but hard work and exercise  just for that was a must. 

Ummm...lonely. yes. I truly have no idea how to get back in the living  with friends and stuff. Honestly  don't know. It's sad reality I'm living. 36 and so so alone it's heart breaking  somedays.

I come here to share and talk to myself...just clear the head on a paper so to speak. I'm sorry if my thoughts  are not uplifting  or encouraging  or hopeful.. I just how I feel and I cannot pretend  all is ok if it isn't.

No gambling  tho. Over 3 months now..slow progress.

Ha 3 a great bank holiday  weekend  everyone.  Work for me...day at a time.

S&B xx

Hiya... your never talking to yourself on here. People read even if they don't write. Your talking to the world.

I know this sounds cliche but your not alone. I certainly relate to the rollercoaster of emotion. Calm and content one day only then to feel all tired and stressed and alone the next. Iv'e never really been able to make sense of my emotional health. What I do know for sure though is that helping others all the time, takes its toll on one's own mental health. Iv'e worked with all sorts of people 0ver the years and like your good self have probably saved a few souls from themselves too. I find that whilst I do get a feel good factor from helping someone, especially when they thank you for it, its always at a cost.

Iv'e just done 5 shifts on the trot, which might not sound that much, but my headspace was completely f****d when I got home last night and am only just now starting to return to a more normal way of thinking and being. Going for a long run this morning didn't arf help, its lifted me out of my depressed state. Am now enjoying my day even though am alone. A tub of haagen daz ice cream helps 🙂

Iv'e just had to google your weight... kg means nothing to me. So your about 9 stone then, which am guessing that if your above average height means that your under weight and am gonna have to nag you to eat all the pork pies going forward! 😉 Your welcome to some of my belly fat.

Anyway hope you got through your bank holiday weekend working without too much aggro from joe public.

Three months gamble free is f*****g awesome!! 🙂 x

Hey SA,,

You're  absolutely  right! To allow some light for others  you automatically  absorb the darkness...its like strange mysterious  exchange what happens and I usually  am left deflated tbf. That's  why I think my little girl is my biggest  saviour because as soon as I'm back, she passes her sadness  and loneliness whilst waiting for me,  onto me and I pass my struggles of work onto her and we strangely both then feel better...let go of those feelings in a way. Negativity  dissappears  when we are in each others arms, safe and content again...

Yup, I done that amount  of shifts and got few more left to go. By now I'm on autopilot so it's not that difficult...I just go and go. I guess that's why days off are a struggle  as I just stop. BH weekend was a nightmare  and I best not even go there because wouldn't  be able to talk without  swearing  ?

Run sounds amazing  and refreshing  for you. Am contemplating gym session as have few hours spare but not long got up so still  am enjoying a cup of Joe before I can fully  function  for the day!

GF time deffo makes things not as tense as I am not piling those extra bad emotions  on top of existing  ones. I think I may be almost on day 100 or there already (don't  count exact  days) so progress  netherless.  Did this before and can do it again. Self discipline  is a must indeed. ..allows me to make better choices ?. 

Enjoy your rest and look after yourself.  I may have pot noodles ?to balance  that dropping  weight ???

S&B xx