...

Following  from above post...a train of thoughts...

So, a scenario  for you:

X - "I am so under, so stressed,  these debtors on my back is stressing  me out every day. I don't  know what to do anymore". .

Y- " it will get sorted, just take it easy...make a plan, commit to it, pay even smallest amount  back but at least you will be paying  back"..

X- " yes, but you know me, I need a day out or something  to help me out, just a chilled day"

Y -" I see..why don't  you go the gym or something  to clear your head"

X- "don't feel up to it, I am so depressed  I have no energy for it. I want a day out outside...seaside or park but have no money for petrol "

Y-" right, OK. Here, I send you £50, fill car up and go to the seaside.."

Following day.....

X-" I had a good day but family rushed me to go home so didn't  have enough  time to proper relax"

Y-" at least you got some fresh air, anything  is better  than nothing "...

X-" I just need proper holiday.  I booked time in June off..would be good for us both to get out somewhere.."

Y-"(warning  bells ringing already)...riiigghhttt...."

X-" shall we go abroad, somewhere  hot! My friend has a villa...for a week or so?"

Y-" (in my mind - " are you serious? You are crying  about money  so how will you pay for a trip??!!)...out loud - "maybe not such good idea your circs given huh"

Point in this scenario...is it me or she actually  lost the plot? Crying  one min and planning  bloody holiday abroad  the next? Is it me or this is actually  madness? & how can I even try to get some common  sense in someone  with this mindset?

On a positive, atleast you do try and deal with your s**t. Ya get it out your system... in a fashion.

I think your doing alright.

Thanks SA.

Yes, I do try to get it out but the fashion I do it is not ideal. I can seriously  be a bull in China shop at times and nothing can stop me when I "flip". I remember  at my old place, I asked manager to refer me to anger management  course...lol...now, am not sure I could do the same with current employer cause ..part of the job is to keep my s**t together.  I do not lash out in public but my colleagues  and other departments  see the worst in me. ..on the other hand, it's the safe place I can let anger out...but, again, I need to manage all this better cause 1. Its not professional 2. Working under pressure  is part of my role.

Besides, I sat on it for a few days still fuming inside,  lost a lot of sleep and was very stressed...final outcome - same s**t, I ended up still picking up the "package " from them even after my lashing  out. Moral of the case - spitting dummy outta pram does not get any better result...just worst prolonged  reputation...sigh..

I did a mistake  last night. Had few drinks and invited sister round for the weekend.  Today I regret it. Don't need that negative s**t on my doorstep.  Plus lil spoilt brat of the nephew  is coming  round too. I have a little upset situation with him. He has no concept  of money and I just found out, he P****d quite a bit of the savings up the wall just like that. Apple doesn't  go far from the tree huh..and sister's  response  is to take it easy on him. I'm opposite, lil s**t did this 3 times already and has not learned one bit! 

I'm still not convinced that my hard earned money which should sit in his saving acc (allegedly  he cannot touch till he is 18) is safe and still there. Just something  about the whole situation  makes me feel that the money has been spent long ago...so be it if it is. They will not get a penny anymore, I'm tired of falling fool for their games.

Right...gym then it is. I am really slacking this month..maybe Jan blues in full swing....

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Very poorly SB over here. Not Covid (magically  continue to test negative) but otherwise  feel like was dragged round the floor like a mop..if that makes sense.

Cloud with work stress still lingers and I think is part of my restless days off. I wake up almost  shouting out loud the tasks I have to do but have no clue how. We shall see. I guess I will have to learn somehow.  With mistakes and frustration,  I must get the end result eventually. 

Sister's  visit was better than anticipated. We had a very long walk yesterday  and I felt my legs pushed to my backside. Lol..yup, that's  how many miles we did. We talked and stayed silent at times, I guess we are both at the place where we just need clear air and gazing at the sunset through  the beautiful  scenery of calm forest and a lake. It was peaceful.  It did us both good.

.she passed out on a sofa last night and I kinda looked at her and felt really sorry for her. I know its her own doing, the mess she created but she is still my sister, still a human being, still suffering  soul and still a person who is looking  for a way out and willing to pay the price for her past mistakes.  Maybe cause its the time now, where she is super stressed  and when it will lift, she may go back to old ways (similar to gambling  problem  theory) but we shall see as time goes by. Today we spent calm morning,  food, coffee, taken lil one out, went up town...no rush ...oh and I got a bit of facial treatment lol..almost like spa massage which was good...she is good at something! The spa products  tho was a present to her from me...very costly but she seems to appreciate  and use it. I even didn't react to her shocked  comment of the amount  of wrinkles  on my face...haha..I know im tired and I know I am aging before my time but my lifestyle  does not help I suppose. 

I gave her money...?..of course I did. With a strict request  to spend it wisely.  I hope she will. Like essentials...food, petrol,  etc...I didn't have much esp as few expenses  on my own doorstep this month  but I guess hundred is better than nothing. 

I suppose  that's  me. Strangely  have urges now..its like I spent time with her and now can relax? Not sure why I feel this way cause it wasn't  as stressful  as usual  is. Hmmm...gremlin  is definitely  on my shoulder...I cannot work out this addiction,  truly can't..

Stay safe all, be good to you and everyone  around  you.

S&B xx

So..I went and did the dirty...not sure how much of it is "did" as I left deposit still clearing at their end (I truly hope the card has some settings  to block that transaction  and it won't clear).

It's just how quick and crazy the thought  process can be. That tingle in your body and sweat shots going through when making deposit.  I cannot explain  it..im a bit shook up now.

I tried Netline twice as these urges is just a timing bomb now..they say "they're  here to help" but nobody connected..

So I'm sitting  here...like, what shall I do next. Go back to the site to see if it cleared or ..leave it..only the worst will happen. The thought I dread the most is bank transaction...proving that I did indeed slip...sigh...I did so well..

What the hell happened  just now?

Moral of the day  was " look at yourself in the mirrror"

Perfect  lesson, no damage done. Nothing  went through,  control  kicked in just in time. Not ideal tho...no help came forward..but that's  where inner strength  lies ...

Oh, g free and counting.   Relief

Still not sure what happened...Worth looking into 

For me I find that the gambling devil is ever present waiting for its moment to strike. I find that anything and everything could potentially be a trigger, though like you suggest money worries are certainly high up on the list. Hope you managed to avoid a damaging binge. Sounds like you did.

Part of me wishes that I could have any other addiction than gambling, cos with gambling the consequences last and last. Having a smoke or a drink after a few months off it can be got over quickly, emptying one's bank account can't.

Take care x

Thanks SA and Dave L...Dave, I'm pleased to hear you have recovery as fulfilling as it sounds. Good on you, you deserve it.

Everything  in life could be two way street, I found that in humans before...didn't  last long tho. And that's  why I tend to isolate even if deep down know company  and bouncing/sharing  thoughts  is massive help. I went too far on my own to revert  back into social stuff/meetings...

Diary,

I'm still not out of the woods with urges and possible gambling.  Last episode and attempt scares me again. Was thinking  about it for a few days and am concerned  that all I have worked for can just dissappear  in a moment  of madness  and that's what this is - madness. 

Yesterday  was particularly  bad day in the office.  I   broke down in tears and isolated in side room, surrounded  by hundreds and hundreds  of pages and documents  I had to swift through  and so on. Really broke me and felt helpless. Didn't  meet deadline and didn't  wish to stay over and just basically  gave up. Wrote a email with apology and simply  left. Crossed that line in the sand where I mentally/physically  was not able to continue. 

Dark thoughts  followed whilst on a highway and continued crying.  Hated situation  and felt very sorry for myself. ...but knew I have to get bk to lil one.

Days like this are tough. No one to talk to, share the struggles.  At least concerning  work. ..pressure recently  is overwhelming. 

Other financial  pressures  are present and worries me A lot. Dreading  expenditure but possibly  its something  out of my hands? Cannot control  everything. 

Don't feel too good today. Still headache  from yesterday  and still a bit sad/low. Almost abandoned  gym even if it helps me deep down. Do struggle to go back. It's a drag this month. 

Hear that mum is poorly.  Have no details yet but shall give them a call. Another worry on this mind.

I don't  know what else to say....just try and continue? I think I have to, through  good and bad. Just keep going. 

Really missed my boss yesterday (RIP) as he was the one to message following  bad day to check in and put a smile on this face. To turn my struggles  into something  so little/ insignificant and not worth stressing  for. He used to say " did someone  die following  your actions?"...and of course answer would always be "no"....That's what I miss, that conversation..that two way street....... feeling alone & lonely ?

S&B xx

Thanks Dave for honest and peaceful  post. 

Yes, healing  does take time, a very long time...

Diary,

It's nice outside and I want to experience more light in my life. But I struggle to let the sunshine  in. I'm still very much so hurting with work and even if I got a message  trying  to make me feel better yesterday,  I did not respond. I don't want to talk to anyone .

My life is definitely  not for everyone's understanding.  Even I get wrapped up in so many questions  about my choices  some days. Time is truly precious,  yet I let it pass day in day out. No interests, no goals, no looking  ahead...existence.  that is all I have. And in a way I don't want that and I know I deserve more and there is so much out there I can just go and see,  take in,  experience, connect  ..its just I'm not interested.  Nothing. Empty hole of my being. 

I did not gamble.  Still in danger zone  as have time on my hands. Still not out of the woods and still very much aware that it only takes a flick of a switch for my thought process  to break down and see red. It's very uncomfortable  feeling because one minute I believe  I am in control  of my actions, the next it goes out of Window. There is no balance but a lot of uncertainty  instead. 

I just want answers  but cannot get any if I don't have any questions  to pose...

Sigh...life goes on one way or another 

S&B xx

I am very sorry for being  me.

I have no place in this community. 

Hiya... you have every place in this community... if by this community you mean the diaries. I think this is especially so for those of us that live on our own. We do need somewhere to come and vent and just be ourselves.

We can only do as much as we can do. When we break down in tears we know that we have pushed ourselves too far. For me I know that once ive had some time alone to settle myself and regroup I will be ok once more.

As far as gambling goes we all know that it only takes one session to decimate our finances, as i recently found out of course, but perhaps more importantly its the psychological and emotional fallout that's even worse. Your doing ever so well not to be "at it" despite the pressures and emotional disturbances that you go through.

Your ok. So am I xx

Hi both,

Apologies for the last..some alcohol influenced  babbling took over common  sense/thinking.  

Time off is not going  very well. Too much time on my hands and I actually  volunteer  for overtime ..so I can make more healthier options. Does not make sense tho as work is the last place I want to be since it completely brought  me to my knees this time. Its not healthy  place for me to be if I'm honest ...and just maybe I want to earn extra so I have something  behind  me when I finally  make that step and resign. This is truly sound option I started to think about and .. I just need to get my ducks in line I suppose  before I leap to unknown  again.

Today turned out an OK day. Skipped gym as overdid it last few days. Every inch of my body aches...

Felt like I was kind to me and made healthy  choices....2x walks, cooking soup and gardening  later, I feel a bit more back to myself. I thought  it wasn't great day for gardening/weeding...turns out it was perfect day for these cause soil is so soft and weeds comes out with all roots without  any effort. I like my tidied garden now, even if there is still a lot to do. Still, made me feel at peace, something about it and being  outdoors..

Parents are very poorly. Both of them and ...since the health care system is very different  over there, they can't even do a test to find out if its covid. I am worried as they both sound very under weather.  Told them to ring Ambo if things gets worse...as to see a doctor is 2 months  waiting  time now ?..so not the best option. 

Slight urges today but very manageable  so far. Keeping myself busy definitely  helped. Lil girl is happy, we had some bonding  time and good play around the garden and park. I think she misses me the same as I miss her. ...I changed quite a bit over time and guess other life's  stresses keeps getting  in a way and stopping  me to see how simple life actually  is if you look at it from the correct angle.

Much peace all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Today has been another  OK day. Laying  in this morning  and no need to rush around. Enjoying  spending time with little one. Really missed her for a good while now. We go walkies, we cuddle, we play and enjoy each others company.  She has a poorly ear...well, half a ear she has and it seems very irritating  for her. A bit of blood from scratching.  I did have some medicine  spray from the vet and it seem to calm her down. I hope it clears, whatever  allergy or what it is. No fun to see her in discomfort.  She is so good girl tho when I apply medication,  she knows I am trying  to help her.

.parents still very poorly. Dad said they feel better  but they deffo does not sound better ☹..praying  for their health to pick up.

Still on holiday and it's taken me good 4 days to return  to the human being I once was. This is quite alerting ..  deep down I know there is me somewhere  but work just takes over...I often loose myself and who I am when there. Its serious  and unfortunately  I'm not the only one feeling this way. The damage this does for one is real..

I went gym today and another  good session had. Then shopping  and cooking.  Didn't have so many pans going at once in a long while lol...stuffed now...warm and content. Few other personal  issues to address  but not today. I will one day, I know I must.

Nothing  else to report.  250 days g free, thankful urges are not too big. I am managing  just fine.

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Another day upon me. Another lay in had and I'm getting  used to them now ?. Saying  that, a lot of work scenarios were disturbing  my sleep but I'm really trying  to put those thoughts aside because it's my time off and I need to nurture that fragile mind at least for as long as I can.

Very windy today. Sunny but that wind caused a bit of mayhem in the street. Was driving  to take lil one to the park and noticed this neighbour  struggling  outside house as fence has gone and pushed brick post out too so it was a bit of a building  site on a footpath. Did stop and offered to help. It was good to do something  good first thing  in a morning,  set my day in brighter spirits.

Not so good walk in the park as there was this big dog off the lead who dashed straight  for lil one and of course she did not appreciate  it. So it's me shouting from top of the lungs to stop lil one and shouting  across  for the owner to get his dog under control.  Small disturbance  broke out but thankfully  other dog run away and lil girl  was just so shaking and crouching from me shouting. ? took me a while to calm her down. Not sure if she realises that I try to protect  her from harm and issues and that she does not display  the best of behaviours with other dogs following  those attacks on her few years back. I always keep her on the lead and choose parks with minimal walkers around but situations like that may be unavoidable  now and again where others thinks their dogs will get on with everyone.  So yeah....sigh...at least everything  is OK and no injuries  & no upsets.

Parents still sounds very poorly. Dad says he is getting  better but I beg to differ. He can hardly talk..coughs a lot.

Possibly  will skip gym today. Noticed I'm finding  a bit healthier balance with that also. Allowing  body to recover...plus there is always tomorrow.

I shall stay in with lil one and enjoy  her company.

Slight urges today, hope it stays just that - thoughts and no devastating  actions.

Day at a time

S&B xx

I remember when I walked my sisters dog on the beach. I let him off the lead for a bit.. he was straight over to a bunch of seaweed. Chewed on it and got a fish hook through his tongue. Not good. If I walk a dog... it stays on the lead lol

You enjoy your time off! 🙂 x