...

Following  from above post...a train of thoughts...

So, a scenario  for you:

X - "I am so under, so stressed,  these debtors on my back is stressing  me out every day. I don't  know what to do anymore". .

Y- " it will get sorted, just take it easy...make a plan, commit to it, pay even smallest amount  back but at least you will be paying  back"..

X- " yes, but you know me, I need a day out or something  to help me out, just a chilled day"

Y -" I see..why don't  you go the gym or something  to clear your head"

X- "don't feel up to it, I am so depressed  I have no energy for it. I want a day out outside...seaside or park but have no money for petrol "

Y-" right, OK. Here, I send you £50, fill car up and go to the seaside.."

Following day.....

X-" I had a good day but family rushed me to go home so didn't  have enough  time to proper relax"

Y-" at least you got some fresh air, anything  is better  than nothing "...

X-" I just need proper holiday.  I booked time in June off..would be good for us both to get out somewhere.."

Y-"(warning  bells ringing already)...riiigghhttt...."

X-" shall we go abroad, somewhere  hot! My friend has a villa...for a week or so?"

Y-" (in my mind - " are you serious? You are crying  about money  so how will you pay for a trip??!!)...out loud - "maybe not such good idea your circs given huh"

Point in this scenario...is it me or she actually  lost the plot? Crying  one min and planning  bloody holiday abroad  the next? Is it me or this is actually  madness? & how can I even try to get some common  sense in someone  with this mindset?

On a positive, atleast you do try and deal with your s**t. Ya get it out your system... in a fashion.

I think your doing alright.

Thanks SA.

Yes, I do try to get it out but the fashion I do it is not ideal. I can seriously  be a bull in China shop at times and nothing can stop me when I "flip". I remember  at my old place, I asked manager to refer me to anger management  course...lol...now, am not sure I could do the same with current employer cause ..part of the job is to keep my s**t together.  I do not lash out in public but my colleagues  and other departments  see the worst in me. ..on the other hand, it's the safe place I can let anger out...but, again, I need to manage all this better cause 1. Its not professional 2. Working under pressure  is part of my role.

Besides, I sat on it for a few days still fuming inside,  lost a lot of sleep and was very stressed...final outcome - same s**t, I ended up still picking up the "package " from them even after my lashing  out. Moral of the case - spitting dummy outta pram does not get any better result...just worst prolonged  reputation...sigh..

I did a mistake  last night. Had few drinks and invited sister round for the weekend.  Today I regret it. Don't need that negative s**t on my doorstep.  Plus lil spoilt brat of the nephew  is coming  round too. I have a little upset situation with him. He has no concept  of money and I just found out, he P****d quite a bit of the savings up the wall just like that. Apple doesn't  go far from the tree huh..and sister's  response  is to take it easy on him. I'm opposite, lil s**t did this 3 times already and has not learned one bit! 

I'm still not convinced that my hard earned money which should sit in his saving acc (allegedly  he cannot touch till he is 18) is safe and still there. Just something  about the whole situation  makes me feel that the money has been spent long ago...so be it if it is. They will not get a penny anymore, I'm tired of falling fool for their games.

Right...gym then it is. I am really slacking this month..maybe Jan blues in full swing....

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Very poorly SB over here. Not Covid (magically  continue to test negative) but otherwise  feel like was dragged round the floor like a mop..if that makes sense.

Cloud with work stress still lingers and I think is part of my restless days off. I wake up almost  shouting out loud the tasks I have to do but have no clue how. We shall see. I guess I will have to learn somehow.  With mistakes and frustration,  I must get the end result eventually. 

Sister's  visit was better than anticipated. We had a very long walk yesterday  and I felt my legs pushed to my backside. Lol..yup, that's  how many miles we did. We talked and stayed silent at times, I guess we are both at the place where we just need clear air and gazing at the sunset through  the beautiful  scenery of calm forest and a lake. It was peaceful.  It did us both good.

.she passed out on a sofa last night and I kinda looked at her and felt really sorry for her. I know its her own doing, the mess she created but she is still my sister, still a human being, still suffering  soul and still a person who is looking  for a way out and willing to pay the price for her past mistakes.  Maybe cause its the time now, where she is super stressed  and when it will lift, she may go back to old ways (similar to gambling  problem  theory) but we shall see as time goes by. Today we spent calm morning,  food, coffee, taken lil one out, went up town...no rush ...oh and I got a bit of facial treatment lol..almost like spa massage which was good...she is good at something! The spa products  tho was a present to her from me...very costly but she seems to appreciate  and use it. I even didn't react to her shocked  comment of the amount  of wrinkles  on my face...haha..I know im tired and I know I am aging before my time but my lifestyle  does not help I suppose. 

I gave her money...?..of course I did. With a strict request  to spend it wisely.  I hope she will. Like essentials...food, petrol,  etc...I didn't have much esp as few expenses  on my own doorstep this month  but I guess hundred is better than nothing. 

I suppose  that's  me. Strangely  have urges now..its like I spent time with her and now can relax? Not sure why I feel this way cause it wasn't  as stressful  as usual  is. Hmmm...gremlin  is definitely  on my shoulder...I cannot work out this addiction,  truly can't..

Stay safe all, be good to you and everyone  around  you.

S&B xx

So..I went and did the dirty...not sure how much of it is "did" as I left deposit still clearing at their end (I truly hope the card has some settings  to block that transaction  and it won't clear).

It's just how quick and crazy the thought  process can be. That tingle in your body and sweat shots going through when making deposit.  I cannot explain  it..im a bit shook up now.

I tried Netline twice as these urges is just a timing bomb now..they say "they're  here to help" but nobody connected..

So I'm sitting  here...like, what shall I do next. Go back to the site to see if it cleared or ..leave it..only the worst will happen. The thought I dread the most is bank transaction...proving that I did indeed slip...sigh...I did so well..

What the hell happened  just now?

Moral of the day  was " look at yourself in the mirrror"

Perfect  lesson, no damage done. Nothing  went through,  control  kicked in just in time. Not ideal tho...no help came forward..but that's  where inner strength  lies ...

Oh, g free and counting.   Relief

Still not sure what happened...Worth looking into 

For me I find that the gambling devil is ever present waiting for its moment to strike. I find that anything and everything could potentially be a trigger, though like you suggest money worries are certainly high up on the list. Hope you managed to avoid a damaging binge. Sounds like you did.

Part of me wishes that I could have any other addiction than gambling, cos with gambling the consequences last and last. Having a smoke or a drink after a few months off it can be got over quickly, emptying one's bank account can't.

Take care x

@s-687 

Hi

Like many people I thought and felt that gambling controlled my life and my thinking.

The Gambling establishments did not put a gun to my head, they never made me do any thing that I did not want to do.

So why did I gamble, for me it was an escape, it only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

In time from each break out gambling I would not only learn what my last emotional trigger was but I would find a way to deal with it in a much healthier way.

For me there is no gambling devil, each time I escaped gambling I would hurt myself and other people.

I would also do or say things that were both unhealthy but would hurt myself and other people.

When I walked in to the recovery program I did not have much or hope in myself, I had lost all faith and confidence in myself and felt I could not trust myself.

Today I understand that the word recovery means healing.

Yet how could I heal if I did not admit to myself my pains and my sufferings.

Only once I stopped my gambling that there were going to be funds to pay to my commitments.

I did make a commitment to pay back the money I had lost.

During my addiction times there was not money to live buy things or have nice holidays.

It was painful paying back the money I had lost, but once dome there were more funds to live a healthy life with out worrying about money

One thing for sure each time I Gambled I simply made things much worse.

Often people would abstain once addiction and start another, or be completely consumed by obsessions.

Healthy people will find a healthy balance where you fulfill your needs, yours wants and even get to have on going goals.

In recovery it is possible to heal my pains, going back to any unhealthy habit causes more and more pains.

I enjoy my life with out living in pain or self abuse, 

I enjoy my life with out living in fear anxiety stress or second guessing myself or doubting myself.

In becoming healthy I am able to be more and more self sufficient in every avenue of my life.

I do not want to hurt myself or hurt other people today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

@sb28 

Hi

Part of the healing process Recovery is having healthy feelings and emotions that we can share with other people.

One of those is empathy.

I am not able to have empathy for another person if I do not have empathy for my self.

Once we do not do things out of guilt person pleasing or person pleasing, and giving some thing unconditionally it indicates we are becoming more and healthy.

Some times I found myself saying to myself I am not able to help a person with a problem if they do not want my help.

Yet it was important to put my hand out and say when you are ready let me know and i will go with you to meetings.

This hand of help often turns out to be a two way street.

As I became healthier the relations I healed with myself helped me have healthier relationships with other people.

Strangers were no longer strangers, fears reduced and trust grew for me.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

Thanks SA and Dave L...Dave, I'm pleased to hear you have recovery as fulfilling as it sounds. Good on you, you deserve it.

Everything  in life could be two way street, I found that in humans before...didn't  last long tho. And that's  why I tend to isolate even if deep down know company  and bouncing/sharing  thoughts  is massive help. I went too far on my own to revert  back into social stuff/meetings...

Diary,

I'm still not out of the woods with urges and possible gambling.  Last episode and attempt scares me again. Was thinking  about it for a few days and am concerned  that all I have worked for can just dissappear  in a moment  of madness  and that's what this is - madness. 

Yesterday  was particularly  bad day in the office.  I   broke down in tears and isolated in side room, surrounded  by hundreds and hundreds  of pages and documents  I had to swift through  and so on. Really broke me and felt helpless. Didn't  meet deadline and didn't  wish to stay over and just basically  gave up. Wrote a email with apology and simply  left. Crossed that line in the sand where I mentally/physically  was not able to continue. 

Dark thoughts  followed whilst on a highway and continued crying.  Hated situation  and felt very sorry for myself. ...but knew I have to get bk to lil one.

Days like this are tough. No one to talk to, share the struggles.  At least concerning  work. ..pressure recently  is overwhelming. 

Other financial  pressures  are present and worries me A lot. Dreading  expenditure but possibly  its something  out of my hands? Cannot control  everything. 

Don't feel too good today. Still headache  from yesterday  and still a bit sad/low. Almost abandoned  gym even if it helps me deep down. Do struggle to go back. It's a drag this month. 

Hear that mum is poorly.  Have no details yet but shall give them a call. Another worry on this mind.

I don't  know what else to say....just try and continue? I think I have to, through  good and bad. Just keep going. 

Really missed my boss yesterday (RIP) as he was the one to message following  bad day to check in and put a smile on this face. To turn my struggles  into something  so little/ insignificant and not worth stressing  for. He used to say " did someone  die following  your actions?"...and of course answer would always be "no"....That's what I miss, that conversation..that two way street....... feeling alone & lonely ?

S&B xx

@sb28 

Hi S & B

Very true that healing pain takes time.

Sadly I started to understand that there are many kinds of pains.

Each pain caused fear sin me that I did not understand.

Losing some one close to me felt like being abandoned,  and in time I would understand that the loss how ever hard if a person is close to me and I have intimacy a part of that healthy person lives on in me.

My father caused me so many pains hat I could not heal or understand them.

I was taken from him when I was eight years of age.

I Met him after I got married and I and my family came to Canada to see and meet up with him.

On one occasion I had to set a boundary with because of his conduct towards me.

In setting a healthy boundary set in peace with myself, I expected to get beaten up by him, he did not do that but agreed to being healthier with me.

Then once he passed away I was told by some one that in healing pains towards some one healthy was done by saying that you love them.

Sounded very simple, I did it at his resting place and once I said it each time I said it I love you Ernie I felt a sharp pain like some one was stabbing me in the throat with a knife.

There is no longer the pins I use to suppress and ignore.

Then there were pains towards people that I did not get to say how much they meant to me. I am now not willing to live in regret I get healthy things out of me.

My wife was very reluctant to go to her parents resting place, even though I was going there myself.

On each occasion I went and asked she said NO.

I did not say any thing I understood her very well.

Then later on I told Shirley my wife I was going to her parents resting place and with out hesitation she told me she wanted to go.

These kind of actions need to be done in our own time.

Your boss was some one special to you and they gave you a gift which you now appreciate.

A part of that person lives on with in you.

You are a healthier better person because of your interactions with that person.

I am very pleased you were able to shed your tears, very healthy indeed.

Give it time and you find comfort from you previous interactions.

Love and best wishes.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK 

Thanks Dave for honest and peaceful  post. 

Yes, healing  does take time, a very long time...

Diary,

It's nice outside and I want to experience more light in my life. But I struggle to let the sunshine  in. I'm still very much so hurting with work and even if I got a message  trying  to make me feel better yesterday,  I did not respond. I don't want to talk to anyone .

My life is definitely  not for everyone's understanding.  Even I get wrapped up in so many questions  about my choices  some days. Time is truly precious,  yet I let it pass day in day out. No interests, no goals, no looking  ahead...existence.  that is all I have. And in a way I don't want that and I know I deserve more and there is so much out there I can just go and see,  take in,  experience, connect  ..its just I'm not interested.  Nothing. Empty hole of my being. 

I did not gamble.  Still in danger zone  as have time on my hands. Still not out of the woods and still very much aware that it only takes a flick of a switch for my thought process  to break down and see red. It's very uncomfortable  feeling because one minute I believe  I am in control  of my actions, the next it goes out of Window. There is no balance but a lot of uncertainty  instead. 

I just want answers  but cannot get any if I don't have any questions  to pose...

Sigh...life goes on one way or another 

S&B xx

I am very sorry for being  me.

I have no place in this community. 

Hiya... you have every place in this community... if by this community you mean the diaries. I think this is especially so for those of us that live on our own. We do need somewhere to come and vent and just be ourselves.

We can only do as much as we can do. When we break down in tears we know that we have pushed ourselves too far. For me I know that once ive had some time alone to settle myself and regroup I will be ok once more.

As far as gambling goes we all know that it only takes one session to decimate our finances, as i recently found out of course, but perhaps more importantly its the psychological and emotional fallout that's even worse. Your doing ever so well not to be "at it" despite the pressures and emotional disturbances that you go through.

Your ok. So am I xx

@sb28 

I am very sorry for being  me.

Why should you be sorry you are in the right place at this time.

Each time I broke out was a lesson for me to learn from.

Each time I broke out it was not healthy to beat myself up or isolate myself.

I have no place in this community. 

If you want to get healthy and heal your pains this is the best place for you every one suffering.

I had count of the times I heard the same things over and over again.

Yet one day the light bulb moment and then I fully understood what I needed to do to get healthy and heal my pains.

Be kind tolerant and patient with yourself

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK