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Posted by: @stace

Chat is working ok, seen you join tonight but not talk, maybe its your devices. But chat definitely works. Also I have no problem getting through, just need to wait as there so busy, but eventually you'll get through.

They have so many members and so many non members reaching out for help, that the lines are sometimes at breaking point.

Keep trying, you'll eventually get through. Hope your ok. 

Stace

Nobody asked you for the input. We remain on the terms of "not to bother one another" hope you can respect that.

Now stay away from my diary, thanks!

Hiya.. I hear your frustrations. It is quite quiet on the forums at the moment. I guess us users we can be quite fickle at times. I know I often have spurts of reading and writing quite a lot and then go quiet. Sometimes I just feel lazy, other times am just too mentally tired to think what to write or what to say. Just part and parcel of being human I suppose.

I think people do care but are mostly too wrapped up in their own lives to be able to demonstrate that. The bottom line is that we have to care for ourselves as best we can and never expect anybody else to do it for us. We are on our own unique journey of self-discovery. I think as a general point western society has become so wrapped up with the individual family unit that for those of us whom live alone we can feel quite isolated. I know i use to suffer terribly with loneliness but gradually over the years I become less lonely to the extent that sometimes I really enjoy solitude, especially when am sitting in the spa pool thinking thoughts lol

People read even when they don't write. Your thoughts are always heard just as mine are.

Hugs S.A x

Hi San,

For what it's worth I give a ( f**k) I worry & miss you when you're not around. I was desperate in the early days on Saturday afternoons & really felt the urges of missing the PL & horse racing. You caught me when I fell, helped put the pieces back together. I know you understand the addiction because you've been there. RESPECT.

Come Back Soon

AL

Hi diary, & thanks guys...

Not sure what to write but recent struggles is nothing  compared with what's going on around the world.

Every waking morning  is checking the news just to learn that another  disaster  was attempted and almost succeeded. We are entering  the war and its indeed frightening. 

My sister appears to be very anxious  and worried and just struggles with it. Me....well, it is what it is, it's happening, my little prayer and wishes for peace are not heard. I change what I can and accept what I cannot change.

I almost snapped yesterday  at work when a "small mind" ranted on about very little issues and when I eventually  kinda mentioned that things are difficult  especially  with what's going  on in the world now....they bluntly said "yes, pandemic, stopping me to Swan off to this beautiful hot place". With that I nearly snapped...but again, everything  for their own..world continuing to turn and everyone  is still facing  their own issues, big and small. I need to park my frustration more often and respect  that we are all very different. 

I was pleasantly  surprised  last night when had a chat on here. Adviser very politely offered emotional support  regarding  what's going on in the world and if its not directly (yet) affecting  me, it was nice to hear that such help is out there already. 

People are uniting in the world, but will that unity be strong enough  against guns and violence?

I guess that's  me. As always, things does go on in my life concerning  work, lil girl, family and so on...but presently  I feel there is a bigger thing to worry about - Safety of every breathing  soul in this world.

Over & out

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Reading SA's update really made me smile. So chuffed for our great guy.

Me, well...on a hamster wheel for long enough  and today was the first day in ages where I had a chance to stop, breathe, eat and even exercise. 

Very long shifts recently...very heavy ones also and got abused on few occasions  which just knocked my confidence  down a bit. There is still, ..a lot of racism  in this world which is truly saddening. 

Today I managed to get a lay in. Today I managed a relaxed and not rushed walk with lil one.

Today I managed gym even if struggled big time, today I finally cooked hot meal instead of pot noodle a day...today, I feel I taken care of myself a bit. Been a while...had no time ☹

But, there is always sun after the rain huh. 

I read news and it saddens me. I do my bit where I  can but I truly want all the war to end. Sadly there is no end in sight and I also fear something  worse to come...

And that's why I am enjoying  (when work allows) every  minute of the day. Every sunny spell, singing  bird, peace of home, love of lil one...I am simply  enjoying  little  things in life. We live now - not tomorrow. 

No gambling,  I think...im nearing 300 days. Bravo to me! ?

Right...work calls ...lol...through  tears.. stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Composing  myself to update my page. 

Been grieving for the past couple  of days. It is a strange feeling isn't  it? Everything  around you stops and you enter this higher level of emotional being. Pain, memories, tears, hopelessness. 

I grieved many ppl, too many ppl in my lifetime  to date, but when it comes to a animal, I feel 100 times worse. Its a lot more intense pain and sadness.  Still not sure why. Maybe cause they have pure souls.

Pets life is never long enough  for what they give in return.  Not sure why God created them to take them away so quickly.  Best things in life to be enjoyed for a brief encounter..wrong.. ☹..but may e there are lessons there to be learned. To appreciate  lil angels more whilst we can. 

Am still not sure how to approach  the subject  to my lil one. To be honest, it was very difficult  to be around her too. I feel guilty  that I still have this bundle of joy/love and others lost theirs. It was her best (and only) friend. And I think this is the hardest  bit for me to chew over. Does she feel it too? She did comfort  me with her all heart just few days ago, kissed my tears away, stayed close by, cheered me up with her goofiness.  I am not sure if she knows, senses, feels, grieves herself.

I am just super sad for her for loosing her friend. She is very much so alone now in four legged pals world. Same as me in two legged ones one..hmmmm

Life and its cycles. Some things you simply  cannot change.

???

I apologise about my behaviour  in chat last night. It was unacceptable  and quite nasty. I am disgusted  and disappointed  in myself.

I hope all concerned  can accept my sincere apology. 

S&B 

Diary,

It's very much so back and forwards  with my existence  on this site. Reality is, I am waiting  for any news/update/share....from the very important  people  I haven't  heard for a good while. And as awful as I am, I stick to the site...just ...(well, mainly) for that...5 years, 10, 15, or 20 or even when I'm no longer around, I strangely  have this unexplainable  connection  on here. Yes, In the background  there are things, I am not allowed to talk about...but, I must ask the question what holds me up on here.

Yes, I am a bad person,  I don't  conduct  myself well on here or behind  the scenes.  Funny thing (fact) is...not one soul asked me why I behave as I do? What's  wrong/what's hurting/ basically  why. I learned  to ask these questions  for a good few years because I know that the "front" ppl put out is not always  the main issue. 

I shall stay a baddie tho...with regret of course. 

Wish I could let go easily. I struggle here..so many souls I care about...such long silence  from all of them. What did I do or say wrong . Guess it's the question  what eats  me inside out. Shall I just give up? Life? What life...? Its purely existence. 

Even if I come across  as I don't  care...I secretly  do..every one and single  one of you.

My pain, not yours...I just hope you are all safe and well.

I am hoping  to move on...as I said...maybe few years to come. My apologies  for my personality. 

Diary - no gambling...some good news eh

S&B xx

Ohhh..ps...

Money...I keep giving  loads to sister. Why? Esp when I know I won't  see them again...its cause I don't  know how to spend it. But house needs upgrade,  so much needs doing  and yet, I give the cash away. A bit P****d with myself for that actually.  

She takes...I keep giving.  

I need to learn to love myself,  put myself  first..get things right...

Well, maybe hitting  a sack after 30hrs awake would be a good start..?...

Yet, as post above, my mind a bit on a highway with thoughts  of other users on here. How are you? Did you survive  pandemic ? How is recovery  going?

Miss you...

Hiya... Am sure your house is lovely as it is. My flat is a tip but its lovely as it is. No upgrade needed.

With your sister, it sounds like the more you give the more she asks. Plays on your emotions for sure.

You work all the hours under the sun. I am not working at all.

Its a funny old world.

Take care.. S.A x

Thanks SA..yes, house is lovely but still requires  maintenance...as everything  I this world.

And yes, I do all the hours under the sun. Not by choice last week, we simply had noone and so I covered more hours under the sun. The result of that? ...well, I had raging episodes at work where phones and stuff were flying  around the office. You keep us pushing, we will eventually  snap. .so here we go.

Also, all that work malarkey broke my mental state and I have to admit that I'm struggling a lot. But, let's leave it where it belongs, in the deep corner of my conscious mind.

I also removed one bank card's block for gambling.  Did attempt to deposit & play yesterday however payment  continued to be declined...sigh..maybe will try today, maybe something  changed.

So here I am really. Still very tired and recovering  with lack of sleep and genuine rest for the body. Not sure how to achieve  this..seem to fail at everything I try.

Maybe will watch some Saturday  TV to calm down and concentrate  on something  else rather than how to break already broken bank.....?

It's not even Saturday  huh...brilliant

Hi,

Just wanted to say dont worry about that night on the chat...... everyone knew you werent yourself...... everyone knows the real you..... do not fret...... ive also been on here many years....... have seen people come and go and were are a constant...... constants that can be allowed bad and good chats... moments of both clarity and insanity...... hope to see you here in the future as allways.... we are the gamcare constants..... i hope to see you on here in many years to come flying the flag..... dont deposit try to each and every day to not gamble.... just take it as we all do one day at a time..... if you can go to bed that night knowing you havent gambled that day youll wake the next day that little bit more at ease.

xxxxx adam

Cheers Adam,

Irrespectively of the time scale someone  is the user of the service I think obnoxious & derogatory comments should not  be tolerated full stop. I believe this site has zero Tolerance Policy so am myself surprised by the decisions made.  I will leave it there as shouldn't  discuss the matter. All I am trying  to say, that because I was on here for almost 10 years, does not allow me special treatment. 

Diary,

I did try to deposit once again last night  but it got declined..again. I put block back on that card and guess that was that. At least for now...

Today  I insisted myself to do absolutely  nothing  and just chill. I went gym 3 days on a trot and gave this body sweaty work outs...so definitely  wanted just to recharge and forget about any daily tasks at least for the day...I deserve  it right  ?

However...It's 12 o'clock  and I am bored off my head and a long chilly walk with lil girl did not do its service..and so...trainers are going  back on and I shall pond that treadmill  for an hour or so. Maybe a long run lined up ahead, feel the head needs clearing  of toxic thoughts...and body from toxins I so freely indulge...sigh...also I like the pain of muscle workouts..so maybe a good session on these legs today do I can barely walk tom lol.

I guess that's  me.

Take care all

Hi San,

Just wanted to say I like you fine just the way you are. No forgiveness sort, none given, no judgement either. Say what you mean & mean what you say is good enough for me. No you ain't perfect but nor am I. Rant, rave lash out. Whatever it takes for your well being & recovery. He Who Is Without Sin Cast The First Stone.

Best 

AL