Diary,
Went onto detox for a week. Just knew I kinda reached the point and couldn't go on as I did. As predicted my fears regarding sleep struggles proven right and I guess I went through withdrawals for a few days. Felt like in "twilight" zone as honestly felt awake hours on end however my sleep tracker shows that I did sleep, albeit many intervals of rem & light sleep with many awake moments. Still doesn't feel right when I go to bed as I just feel wide awake!
Picked up a book and almost half way through it. Good read indeed. I neglected my favourite past time for good few years...so it's good to get back into it.
Find days extremely stretched out too. Especially evenings. Concentration is disturbed and I can hardly watch anything on TV...maybe it will pass.
Work was strange too. A lot more clear headed and not going 100mph in my head. Kinda more rational thinking ..which is good I suppose. I'm not panicking as much. A lot calmer and collected in some tricky situations. Some may say I'm not "attached/connected " to them, but for me it's more like zero panic mode. So yes, I guess this new thing this week helped in some respect.
Does not mean that I didn't have challenges..oh yeah, they never stop coming, I'm just dealing with them differently I suppose.
Am a lot more at ease on the walks too. I guess I was very anxious whilst full of intoxicants in my blood stream...as we know it takes few days for them to clear out. So now we have more relaxed walks and even wonder back to the forest..my and lil girls favourite place to be!
Gym ...found it a struggle and not sure why. Not sure if I expect miracles with energy going through the roof since I no longer abusing my body. Was a bit opposite, every exercise was a struggle ?..but I managed them regardless.
So yeah, ...well..it wasnt clean clean week and I had one after work yesterday and a day before...but...not 10! So little change being made indeed...need to take care of this body!
I eat more and appetite shot up at every hour of the day. I shall take it, I hardly ate for past two years.
As of gambling..no issues there, 270 days free...nearing that year mark! May long it continue.
Weather is threatening our safety so pls, stay in unless absolutely necessary to leave the house. Mother nature is not kidding...roads were devastating last night and I guess more to come over the next few days.
Thats me.
Stay safe & committed.
S&B xx
Hi
It is a healthy progress that you Went onto detox for a week.
This is a healthy commitment towards respecting and valuing your self.
You reached the point and couldn’t go on causing your self pain after pain goof for you.
It takes time reducing your fears regarding sleep struggles.
Even to this day I have issues regarding having a good nights sleep.
This is trauma when I was less than 8 years of age.
I do know that it is pains and fears in the morning I have skin creases in my fore head.
Have you considered it might also be sleep apnea.
You feel wide awake! Could it be stresses and fears of pains in your day.
Is there any thing to help you relax.
I have a massage once a month, some times I hold stress in my body.
The more I got in to recovery and therapies the more my fears were reduced.
Writing down my needs and wants and staying focused on one thing helped my concentration on one thing.
I watch TV when I want to relax.
That is healthy staying clear headed.
Just because I abstained from the gambling buzz it was a kind of withdrawal not going 100mph in my head.
Yes a healthier pace clarity and rational thinking, helped by planning things our more clearly
If you are not panicking as much you have reduced your fears which is very healthy.
Yes it is nice to be calmer with in your self.
Helps us get clarity.
There will be more tricky situations, our steel gets even more tested the more we get in to recovery.
You say you not be “attached/connected ” to others this may be due to fears of emotional intimacy.
Having zero panic mode indicates your fears are reducing and you can feel it.
If you more at ease on the walks too you are not rushing your self that is very healthy.
Yes living with fears and anxiety for so long has an impact on us both physically and emotionally.
It takes more than a few days for us to settle down and become more relaxed in our self.
You have come along way in your recovery and being aware of how you are physically and emotionally is a new found awareness and clarity.
Our becoming healthier in our awareness and clarity indicates that our fears are being reduced at a healthy rate.
Going to Gym is about building our pace up slowly, not rushing at like a bull in a China shop.
You expect miracles you want to heal your hurt inner child over night, if you think about you have experienced pains for so long and you think you can heal back in a few years.
To heal in a healthy way takes time be patient and tolerant with your self.
If you push your self to hard to soon can have a whip lash effect on your self.
You know you no longer want to abuse your body or hurt your self emotionally. Very powerful.
Yes you need to take care of your body soul and inner child.
You eat more yes you are getting your anatomy working in a healthier way
That is a healthy example 270 days gambling free and self abuse free.
That is a healthy being 270 days free from self abuse.
Weather here was about -6C the old joints feel the cold and fast changes here.
You are nearing that year mark!
Do not get anxiety before your year, please just think of it as one day at a time.
Simple slow baby steps.
May long it continue.
Thank you for your share it is a two way street.
Love and peace to every one
Dave L
Hiya... good for you with the detox. Glad to read that its having some positive benefits. Interesting to read about the sleep tracker thing. I might invest in something. I am a very light sleeper. I am awake often throughout the night. Its not good.
Anyway a good read. Lots to muse on and learn from
Take care.. S.A x
Thanks SA! Didn't last long as had 5 yesterday ?..but still progress and my aim is to stay clear at least for working weeks so shall see how I get on. The thing is, and I knew it from day one, I cannot achieve full abstinence on my own. Old proven truth, so until I ready to reach for help, I can only do my best on my own. This is not perfect but better than it was and so I shall take these extremely little steps and small wins in my stride.
Skipped gym last few days but gotta commit to session today because if I leave it any longer, it will be very hard to get bk into it. So best have a kick up my backside now lol.
Diary,
Sister is struggling big deal and I'm trying to be there for her as much as I can. She git herself in right financial mess but I truly hope that the lessons are being learned and she wakes up now...stays low, saves hard and realises that lent money always has to be paid back...with interest netherless. I told her to start learning different way of life. I think she knows that herself. The road was very stressful for her for the past month but I think now she is coming through this all, and am glad, I was some sort of support along the way a d greatful she felt she can trust me enough to share the struggles and overall situation.
Got few fences I need yo put up (o*g prices of fences shot right up this year!) but was staying put until this storm passed as didn't want to do a flyer around the bkock together with the fence! Plus I need some muscles ? to actually put the fence up lol....single girl's life for ya...can get extremely challenging sometimes.
Parents facing some health challenges too...and to be fair, the year started on wrong foot for many by the sounds of it so am just hoping that going forwards....things will pick up for people.
Right, enough blabbing, walkies in the rain and gym awaits!
S&B xx
Hi diary,
Ummm. A bit messed up time in the world huh. Last two days hit me real bad...the memories. I was about 5yrs old when the siren was screaming all around our country in feb 16th 1991...its the day to remember. That day we got our independence back from Russia.
I hear the siren on the news now and it just brings that fear and hopelessness and confusion over. I remember like today, my dad leaving home and my mum staying in with me and my sister. I remember tv going blank and some sort of message on it probably stating that there is no coverage. I remember mum crying and me and my sister very scared not knowing where dad went. ...I did not k ow then, that he, same as many men, went to the parliament to fight for our country's freedom.
Now it's like history repeating itself. Someone's greed is costing lives and freedom. It's very sad times. ..and we are indeed lucky to be where we are now.
Right OK ...sadness aside.....
I work hard and long hours. I pick up overtime every week now and honestly can say I am on a hamster wheel. Why? Maybe cause prices is creeping up & maybe i need to keep myself occupied so I don't get drawn into my addictions...and most probably - both. ..and so I work, I stress, I get hurt, I get fed up, I get angry and I get sad ...I cry, smile, laugh, swear and hold my thought, breathe and make rational decisions.....I do what any person would do in my position...I am holding on and moving on to the best of my ability. I am trying to make a better life for myself and everyone around me.
.
Had urges recently..for both vices but am staying strong (not 100% with Mr A tho).
Still slack with gym but purely cause I have no time or energy. Time management is a bit out of the window. The only time I manage my time is around my lil girl who still gets everything every time. Most importantly my love and time I have to spare.
I don't know what else to say. I hurt emotionally today. I want to go and kick few walls to get my anger out about the wrong in the world!!!...but I know this would not change anything and so...I better say a prayer instead....??
No gambling. Stay safe all
S&B xx
Gamcare is officially f****d up. Nobody answers calls, chats doesn't work, Forum dead....
Nobody gives a f**k!
Glad I offered time & support for others during my time on here...sad but, seeing the "organisation " it has become. ...lamest glad to see a way out of this malarkey.
GC...be ashamed.. killed the forum spirit here for a good while, well done!!
Chat is working ok, seen you join tonight but not talk, maybe its your devices. But chat definitely works. Also I have no problem getting through, just need to wait as there so busy, but eventually you'll get through.
They have so many members and so many non members reaching out for help, that the lines are sometimes at breaking point.
Keep trying, you'll eventually get through. Hope your ok.
Stace
Hi @sb28
I'm really sorry you have been having trouble getting through to us.
If you aren't able to get through to us, I would encourage you to keep on trying. Chatroom is running and is open daily at 1pm and 8pm.
If you are having difficulty logging in or accessing the chatroom, please email us at forum.admin@gamcare.org.uk.
We are here to support you.
Best wishes,
Fay
Forum Admin
Chat is working ok, seen you join tonight but not talk, maybe its your devices. But chat definitely works. Also I have no problem getting through, just need to wait as there so busy, but eventually you'll get through.
They have so many members and so many non members reaching out for help, that the lines are sometimes at breaking point.
Keep trying, you'll eventually get through. Hope your ok.
Stace
Nobody asked you for the input. We remain on the terms of "not to bother one another" hope you can respect that.
Now stay away from my diary, thanks!
Hiya.. I hear your frustrations. It is quite quiet on the forums at the moment. I guess us users we can be quite fickle at times. I know I often have spurts of reading and writing quite a lot and then go quiet. Sometimes I just feel lazy, other times am just too mentally tired to think what to write or what to say. Just part and parcel of being human I suppose.
I think people do care but are mostly too wrapped up in their own lives to be able to demonstrate that. The bottom line is that we have to care for ourselves as best we can and never expect anybody else to do it for us. We are on our own unique journey of self-discovery. I think as a general point western society has become so wrapped up with the individual family unit that for those of us whom live alone we can feel quite isolated. I know i use to suffer terribly with loneliness but gradually over the years I become less lonely to the extent that sometimes I really enjoy solitude, especially when am sitting in the spa pool thinking thoughts lol
People read even when they don't write. Your thoughts are always heard just as mine are.
Hugs S.A x
Hi San,
For what it's worth I give a ( f**k) I worry & miss you when you're not around. I was desperate in the early days on Saturday afternoons & really felt the urges of missing the PL & horse racing. You caught me when I fell, helped put the pieces back together. I know you understand the addiction because you've been there. RESPECT.
Come Back Soon
AL
Hi diary, & thanks guys...
Not sure what to write but recent struggles is nothing compared with what's going on around the world.
Every waking morning is checking the news just to learn that another disaster was attempted and almost succeeded. We are entering the war and its indeed frightening.
My sister appears to be very anxious and worried and just struggles with it. Me....well, it is what it is, it's happening, my little prayer and wishes for peace are not heard. I change what I can and accept what I cannot change.
I almost snapped yesterday at work when a "small mind" ranted on about very little issues and when I eventually kinda mentioned that things are difficult especially with what's going on in the world now....they bluntly said "yes, pandemic, stopping me to Swan off to this beautiful hot place". With that I nearly snapped...but again, everything for their own..world continuing to turn and everyone is still facing their own issues, big and small. I need to park my frustration more often and respect that we are all very different.
I was pleasantly surprised last night when had a chat on here. Adviser very politely offered emotional support regarding what's going on in the world and if its not directly (yet) affecting me, it was nice to hear that such help is out there already.
People are uniting in the world, but will that unity be strong enough against guns and violence?
I guess that's me. As always, things does go on in my life concerning work, lil girl, family and so on...but presently I feel there is a bigger thing to worry about - Safety of every breathing soul in this world.
Over & out
S&B xx
Hi diary,
Reading SA's update really made me smile. So chuffed for our great guy.
Me, well...on a hamster wheel for long enough and today was the first day in ages where I had a chance to stop, breathe, eat and even exercise.
Very long shifts recently...very heavy ones also and got abused on few occasions which just knocked my confidence down a bit. There is still, ..a lot of racism in this world which is truly saddening.
Today I managed to get a lay in. Today I managed a relaxed and not rushed walk with lil one.
Today I managed gym even if struggled big time, today I finally cooked hot meal instead of pot noodle a day...today, I feel I taken care of myself a bit. Been a while...had no time ☹
But, there is always sun after the rain huh.
I read news and it saddens me. I do my bit where I can but I truly want all the war to end. Sadly there is no end in sight and I also fear something worse to come...
And that's why I am enjoying (when work allows) every minute of the day. Every sunny spell, singing bird, peace of home, love of lil one...I am simply enjoying little things in life. We live now - not tomorrow.
No gambling, I think...im nearing 300 days. Bravo to me! ?
Right...work calls ...lol...through tears.. stay safe all
S&B xx
Hi diary,
Composing myself to update my page.
Been grieving for the past couple of days. It is a strange feeling isn't it? Everything around you stops and you enter this higher level of emotional being. Pain, memories, tears, hopelessness.
I grieved many ppl, too many ppl in my lifetime to date, but when it comes to a animal, I feel 100 times worse. Its a lot more intense pain and sadness. Still not sure why. Maybe cause they have pure souls.
Pets life is never long enough for what they give in return. Not sure why God created them to take them away so quickly. Best things in life to be enjoyed for a brief encounter..wrong.. ☹..but may e there are lessons there to be learned. To appreciate lil angels more whilst we can.
Am still not sure how to approach the subject to my lil one. To be honest, it was very difficult to be around her too. I feel guilty that I still have this bundle of joy/love and others lost theirs. It was her best (and only) friend. And I think this is the hardest bit for me to chew over. Does she feel it too? She did comfort me with her all heart just few days ago, kissed my tears away, stayed close by, cheered me up with her goofiness. I am not sure if she knows, senses, feels, grieves herself.
I am just super sad for her for loosing her friend. She is very much so alone now in four legged pals world. Same as me in two legged ones one..hmmmm
Life and its cycles. Some things you simply cannot change.
???
Hi
For me grieving is a healthy way of heeling my pains due to loss.
Today I understand that when people or pets go a part of them still lives in us.
Often when people talk about intimacy they think it is a sexual thing.
Not so intimacy is about closeness about an emotional connection.
Some people are unable to trust people yet they are able to trust their pets.
It can be that person in their past have caused them so much pain they are unable to trust another person again.
Part of the recovery program s learning to trust once more.
In my childhood I both wanted and needed emotional intimacy, sadly most adults were in trauma and living in fears.
Because they lived in so much pain and fear they were not able to have emotional intimacy with any one including their self.
Those healthy moments we experience can not be taken from us, they are a part of who we are today.
You have been grieving for the past couple that is a healthy process.
What you have been given cannot be taken away from you.
By reducing our fears we are able to trust more today.
You feel guilty, you are not responsible for their death.
Your connection was healthy for you and the pet.
She did comfort me yes it was a two way street.
Do you think her goofiness was like a little child who lived with out fears.
Love and peace to every one
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK
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