...

Diary,

Today was a tough  one. I've taken myself and lil girl round sis. Something  I tried to avoid  for the past few months. ..I knew it will be difficult  for everyone. 

She expected  "welcome" by her best mate...and he wasn't  here...I noticed she laid in his fav spot, just behing  the ashes which rests on a windowsill  now. She spend there all day. It was sad but also, something  so personal and appreciative to see.... she knew.. I can't explain animals emotions..but she knew and strangely  looked at peace in his spot.

Whilst so much going  on around me presently..supporting  so many souls & sis and Bell...I manage myself...yup..no gym  ..I don't want it now...and ..I did say I thought of dying to someone special (counsel stuff)...I am yet to carry on, I wouldn't put more on ppl at the min with my issues. I carry on..like a soldier right..I will carry on as much as I physically can...

Just an exhausted  day

..that's all.

Almost  365 says free...yes...yes...im doing  this 

Xx

Thanks Dave.

A week off a year g free. Mixed emotions. It will be sad day due to the year anniversary but also I guess, I have to acknowledge progress I made regarding tackling  urges..etc  

Spent last 3 days painting  fences. From early morning  till late evening.  Day in day out. Yup, not even half way through  really as there are like 20 fences all together. It's slow process. Also noticed that being in my own head whilst painting,  does not dough favours. I self talk shut really and same thoughts  keeps going round my head. I thought  the experience  should be calming...its good to paint, but for me...its that chat and thoughts  of my own. Its a bit mental really. It's in overdrive.

Just managed to dress up for the gym. I truly didn't want to go recently.  Maybe I'm depressed? Maybe I am. Strip off day clothing and jump into bed and out of it In a flash as I'm P****d. Wake up and deal with consequences, put same clothes on and repeat the day. If that's not a terrible life choices...I don't  know what is. Maybe I at the bottom and the only way is up. Maybe..I just don't know.

Help is coming  but it's slow. And to be honest not sure what different  is it gonna be this time. Im 99% sure I heard it all before. You can discuss  things but actions must follow.  And I never follow the actions because I find it too hard or am too scared. And so I I always drift back into my old ways of existence. 

Typing this brings tears to my face. Here is me so unsatisfied  with life and there are souls who loves life, but sadly getting theirs taken away against their will...life is unfair. 

Xx

Diary,

Better day than yesterday.  It was good to talk, esp with the professional  who also has an insight in what I do (or very close to the point). It was reassuring  to speak to someone  who understands trauma..etc and who dealt with it themselves. Many pointers given and I just need to figure out how to apply it to my daily life/work.

I am a good person.  I know that. I experienced  a lot in this life and actually  I was told before that it's a miracle  I am still standing tall and strong. Yes, I may be broken inside but I just never give up. I want to see what tomorrow  brings, who I can help and how many tears I can reduce by not giving in to my own rushed choices/decisions. 

I talk about death openly. Maybe I need to accept reality of death because what you say and what you actually  feel may not always tally up. So I say how it is. ..I Don't like life, I am not enthusiastic  about it..and so it brings me to that link in that chain in my head - what can I do to change this outlook? What can I do to look forward  to my days?

.I need to break that link because, as we all know, if nothing  changes nothing  changes.

I feel a bit better regarding  recent  tragedy. Professional  helped me to separate my feelings and accept that it's not my pain perse. And it's not...I just taken it on as I always do.. I know person  or not, I I an empath. 

Still difficult  one awaits tomorrow  but I shall cross that bridge accordingly. 

You know...im ok. I am a soul who accomplished  so much in life, I do feel pride in that.

From the ashes I rose... ? 

So,...emotional  day as expected.  Many tears and holding  strong together,  as expected. Brilliant  bunch of friends I must say. Yeah....something to keep hold dear to heart .

Must be  a sequence recently  but I have another  though  one coming  up..year anniversary....

.  And then this funeral     ..   ...shock after shock   

Dear lord...what can I possibly  say...

Be there  for each other...that's all

 Xx

Hello SB28

Just wanted to say we're sorry you and your sister are going through so much at the moment. You are doing really well to work through all this and not let it impact your recovery. If you do feel this impacting your gambling recovery please do contact the Helpline or livechat. 

Take care

Deirdre
Forum Admin.

Thank you D, hope you're  well.

I cannot say this is impacting the recovery as such but on the other hand, recovery is part of my life so everything is connected.  

I contacted yourselves  yesterday but as you reminded per above, its not exactly gambling based and so I struggled to talk or express myself.

Gambling  surprisingly is away from my thoughts  bearing in mind how I hurt emotionally. But I also kept busy with other things, sister and stuff, travelling up & down the county assisting as much as I can. Almost done my fences now too so guess this time was spent wisely. Slowly getting  back to gym routine also. ..and then work shortly also even if I was advised to go to GP and take time off. Do not want to do that so shall see how I cope  being back. 

On the outside it appears reality is returning  to my life. On the inside, it still hurts a bit but, you know...I am only human. Yesterday  I had a breakthrough,  not sure how to explain it by I managed to let massive chunk of pain go. It was powerful. 

Well, ok, that's me. Need to start the day with walkies and then just go with a flow.

Xx

Managing life as best you can.

That's all any of us can do.

Enjoy the day! ? x

Thanks SA,

My clock on here says 354 days without slots so I did a bit of my poor maths calculations and a year anniversary  is not exactly the same as my year g free. Then it dawned on me that I did gamble more a week after finding  out news about my boss...so...OK, maybe it will not be on the same day..maybe made me feel a bit better as I had mixed emotions  regarding  it.

Anyhow, slept a bit bahhh last night. Guess bits of stress thinking  about work is surfacing  again. Just have to ride them out.

I'm still thinking  about recent  tragedy. Noticed they published vigil on tv news yesterday.  Suppose community was pretty shook up as ....us the closer ones to heart. 

I'm still sad, angry and occasionally really devastated. World  can be unbelievably  dark place but what can we, humans do?..yup, just carry on, step by step, learn to live again, learn to live without, learn to be kinder to ourselves and others around us. 

That's me this sunny day. Back to the sunny corner with my thoughts.  Maybe a prayer won't go a miss.

Xx

Hiya... I honestly believe we come here to earth to be "challenged" which then aids are spiritual and soul evolution. Putin I believe was always destined to play the bad guy and maybe I was always destined to have an addiction. But like as you suggest, we learn to carry on regardless, be kind to others and kind to ourselves.

Returning to the sunny corner 🙂 x

Indeed SA, thank you...

Slept so bad last night  it's unreal. Turned and twisted till 5am, noticing lil one was struggling  to settle down too. What was a huge comfort is her laying  her head on my neck. She sometimes  does that and the gentle breaths and beating  heart nearby truly calms me down.

Woke up at 8am...and thought...shoot!!! I am knackered.  Went bk for power nap, dreamt absolute horror and woke up 10am with headache  and feeling  bahhh...that's why I don't do naps! 

Not sure If being bk to work does me many favours. I struggle  and ...I think I need to accept that most probably I need to change my path, not sure I can bounce bk this time. Decisions...Decisions.

Difficult  day tomorrow but I am almost riding these waves on daily occurance now so sure will not be any different  this time.

No nasty habit concerns.(albeit big urges at 3am this morn).

Xx

360 days! 

Been there few times and guess have tighter blocks to keep carrying  on this time. ..and slightly different  mindset.  Still, only one wrong decision  away so keeping  myself monitored. 

This year really concentrating and investing in the garden.  It's lovely place to sit out and enjoy  sunshine. It's becoming  my office to recharge...

Work is a bit up & down but it is what it is..as long as I keep making  an appearance I will somehow push through. 

Trying  to  motivate myself for the gym but must admit  I struggle.  Maybe a kick in the backside  is needed huh..

Financially I'm a lot more stable.  Guess not gambling  shows the sweet fruits in that respect. Stopped doing overtime completely purely to look after my emotional  wellbeing  and spend more time with little one. I guess that also shows that I am managing  finances as I should. May long it continue. 

Xx

So...

My glory days are over.

Therapist triggered  something in me today. I know he didn't  mean to, but my messed up head feels even more messed up.

I travelled  to other town for some shopping...needed clothes and so on.

Walked past many bookies. Succumbed.

I only been in such establishment once yonks ago. Today I walked past in embarrassment. But on a way back from shops I immediately  had an urge. Sheepishly  walked I and taken first machine I seen and which was closer to the exit so I don't wonder around in establishment.  Spent there maybe an hour (time flies) withdrawing cash from machine just next to me. Was offered drink twice. Perosn came to sit next by and lit a cigarette,  made me bolk. I am sure you cannot smoke indoors. Felt like I am in a proper neglected  P**s up place..it even stank a lil....

Not sure if lady working  there tried to see if I came there to gamble for escape or fun. It wasn't  fun. ..nor it was an escape. I just itched the healed wound. 

Not sure whats  next.

...

Sooo....

Child in me is scared and disappointed.  Feeling worthless and beaten to the ground. She is terrified really. Parents in me wants to give the child a good hiding and telling  off, confirming  how disappointed she is .

Adult in me....well, I shall go with the adult as she sees what's happening  from both alter egos. Adult is a rational  part in me and critical mindset not gonna help in this occasion. 

Ok,..so it happened  and you relapsed. Did it break the bank? No. Did you try to find more establishments/ ways to gamble following  this trip? No.

What can you do to avoid  reoccurrence? Practically,  self exculde yourself or don't  wonder into establishments  if happen to be out and about. You are not outgoing  person so I don't  see you travelling  somewhere just for this anyway  but you must learn and practise  these vulnerable times when you actually  do leave your comfortable "nest" and head out to outside  world. Practise  resilience  and clarity. 

One blip is not the end of the world. The end of the world is when you lose sense completely.  You remember  that feeling.  You know how long it takes to pay the debt off, you know the feelings and desperation. I don't  need to remind  you where these choices may lead you. You know perfectly well  how it affects you mentally,  financially  and emotionally. 

You just started to take steps in learning  to love yourself  and your house. You did an amazing  job so far, well done!!. You also recovered  financially  and even if its not easy esp in this day and age, i am impressed  with your skills and determination. I think you are strong  and resilient. You don't like to give up and you're a fighter.  It's wonderful  quality  to have. You are also a lot more aware about yourself because you learned from life so much already.  You're  smart. Truly are and that's why I know that your intentions are positive. I also know that you're not perfect and mistakes do take place. Show me the perfect  person  huh...I think I would like to meet them! You're  human with emotions and vulnerabilities...use those to your advantage,  accept them as they are, you're not a robot.

All I want to say is be kinder to yourself.  You tripped and fell, you are only bruised and with the qualities  above - you will bounce back once again. What we need to concentrate and focus on, is for you not getting into that desperate and awful place you have been few years ago. Being in that place is not healthy,  you rob yourself  from the future you so desperately trying  to build and enjoy.

You're  doing really well kiddo...keep making the right  choices,  I am here, next to you and will do my best to protect  you from harm you may want to inflict on yourself.  We are a team, we will work together, I I here to support you all the way.

Now, go and enjoy  your day.

Xx

Nice going yesterday! I'm pleased you accepted  the reality and focused on good things in life.

Writing  in third person may read a bit strange and awkward but I didn't realise how powerful  actually  it can be. It makes one not to feel as alone and this "clarity" voice provides reassurance and reconsideration.  It is almost as bouncing  thoughts of one another,  self counselling if you wish. My self critic is ready to drag vulnerable  side of me down and I believe that adult self is providing rational suggestions in thought process here...and so, as we all say, we do what helps us.

So kiddo, as I said, you did great yesterday.  Exercised,  seen a friend, cooked and chilled in front of tv. You did not allow self pitting nor retracted into isolation hole. This alone is progress. 

I understand that tipping toes into the past and digging  that buried box up once again caused you a bit of a wobble. It's natural but what I also seen, you immediately placed the boxes away explaining therapist  that you already processed  these and gained understanding regarding  those. This is also a massive  step forward,  you are not dwelling  on your past. I also think a but self forgiveness  and letting  go occurred regarding  your best friend you no longer have by your side. Yeah, it may of taken quite few years for this precise wound to heal but you are doing it. You are moving  on, better slowly than never! 

Yes, not very thoughtful  decision  followed  regarding  the blip but I now think it was more curiosity for you to feel that sort of excitement after a long time. Its OK because these things happens.  The most important  part is - you did not break yourself down going out of control  and loosing  it all (yourself  included) and also, you wanted to get out of establishment as it just felt wrong place to be at. I  am over the moon for you for walking  away! & not coming back. 

Today is another day, another experience  and another chance to make it count. 

Being  kind to oneself is massive leap in opening  that door for possibilities and self education.  Love it, keep it up.

One day at a time

Xx

I figured out addiction/compulsion! Yay....taken me all 10 years lol..

Right, ...what gives human being a uplift/buzz? Excitement? Energy? Upped heart rate? .

Yup ..many things, such as excerice,  s*x, drinking,  drugs, gambling,  even reading or knitting! Watching your fav show on TV can also give that sense.

So all along I got it all wrong..well, partially  maybe. If I felt sad or lonely,  I turned to gambling.  What for? For the uplift/buzz! To make me feel better...very temporary to say the least...

Things is, all these good emotions  are temporary and I suppose  we tend to want them to last. But high emotions are not made to last if it makes sense. High and low are absolutely  normal  and has to run its course.  It's what we do about not so ecstatic lows huh..

Balance and meeting  in the middle is the healthy option but reaching  it can be difficult.  But life is for learning  and understanding  yourself. 

I read a good quote  not long ago..maybe not related to gambling  but something  what I neglected  all my life.

"If you want a friend in your life, - be one"...man didn't it set this mind going ?...

We are all so smart people,  so knowledgeable and so unique,  yet we fail to apply  these qualities  to our daily lives. But I think it's a slow progress  as we tend to learn....from mistakes.

Back to my corner  for more brainstorming  ?