...

Aghhrrr..

Lost all the typo I just done. 

Well, maybe meant to be. Who reads these rambles anyway.

Awaiting till its cooler outside so I  can take lil one for a walk. Its too hot today to excerice her so we shall wait.

I tried a dating app however struggling.  Seems like I click with someone  but then conversation  just drifts away. Sort of none of us a ready to put some work into it and it's just "ah well, if you don't  reply, Im not gonna loose sleep over it". It is harder the older I got. Truly is. I think the independence teaches to adjust to single life and take care of yourself. I'm still not up to short relationships "for fun". I see many are but, for some reason just does not sit well with me.

I guess that's me. Was watching  "Widows" last night and only half way through  so may put that back on.

Early alarm for morning  walk as we were lazy bums today and so had to skip first walk due to the heat. 

Else is ok, I'm here, safe and well. Enjoying  the gift of life which was gifted to me.

Take care all

Xx

Hey up diary,

Me again. I seem to rally around with posting and then take some breaks. It's OK, I guess whatever works for individual.  Plus I clearly have too much time on my hands and being stuck in my own head is not always a positive thing.

Soo, we missed 3 alarms but got up with the fourth. 0805. Brilliant timing as we were out and about by 0915. Just got back and lil one is gently snoring in her lil bed.

It's still morning and I have full day ahead of me. Contemplating gym but struggling  with such thought.  Maybe will stay in the garden and do some weeding. There is not much left to do apart from purchasing some plants/flowers. im not good with those. It's a shame as garden would look so much more vibrant. 

What else....hmmm, got some plans for tomorrow and I guess its mixed emotions for most of us. Day to celebrate but also sad day as there is going to be a massive empty hole. Things are different but move on we must.

No other concerns to report.

Xx

Hi diary,

Guess who is back!?

Yup my daily check in since I still have a lot of time on my hands. Another hot one out there and lil one is already  sunbathing ?

I tried a dress on this morning as have to go to places later on and was very disappointed as it didn't  fit. No wonder, last time I wore it was 4 years ago...wayy before I started bulking  up on my arms, shoulders,  back. This seems to be the issue now as my upper frame is slightly  too big for the petite shape I used to have. Not sure where I went wrong and maybe just need to drop some of that weight/muscle.

I'm not a dress person anyway but I will have to grin and bare buying another one. Sis will come to help and I thought to myself that at 37 I know nothing about fashion, dresses or high heels. People would say, do what you feel most comfortable with. Which I agree...but not gonna rock up somewhere in shorts or jeans and converse trainers on. 

Deep down feel like I am trying to fit in. It's never a good sign. I'm accepted the way I am but something just doesn't click inside...why I am different from other classy ladies? 

Ahh, enough of these thoughts.  Will put my mind in messed up place before time.

We went for cool night walk last night.  Swim in the river for lil one at 2300 hours ?...very refreshing indeed!

Flying urge today but guess cause I got my knickers twisted due to the today's event.

I will be fine. 

Sometimes you need to get out of comfort zone to experience life out there...socialising. 

Xx

Diary,

I'm feeling sad today. Just down and want the day to end already. Was up at like 11ish too...which means I failed all the alarms going to get up for walkies. No excuses  that we got back late last night.

So lil one still not walked. In fairness she did not drink or eat at all today, nor she went for a potty. She is either laying  inside or showing her face in the garden briefly until I ask her to go back in as it's wayy too hot. 

Concerned-yes....but maybe its the heat affecting  her like that. At least I would like her to drink...Will see how day progresess really and I shall reconsider my options as we go along.

Yesterday was strange and out of place day. I kind of showed my face to the "party" upon request  of one soul who I care deeply for. I thought  we will have chance to talk and catch up however they were not up to talking.  Can't blame them. It's difficult  for one and what matters is good intentions  and showing  support by simply being there.

A lot of uncomfortable  smiles for photos and I wanted it all to end as soon as possible as well as many others I believe.

The main heart of the gathering  was not there and it was imprinted in all of our faces.....& souls.

Ummm..yeah. I also fell asleep on the sofa last night. I rarely pass out and surprised my head still attached to the neck as I fell asleep sat up ?

Ohh, I hear a ice cream van dropping by & this definitely one thing lil one will never say no to!

Gotta go, stay safe all

Xx

Hello San.

Maybe you weren't the life and soul of the party but there were many occasions when you were the life & soul of my recovery in the early days of me finding this place. I remember Saturday afternoons you stayed on chat longer than you intended, not so save your own soul but to talk some sense into me, when temptation raised it's ugly head.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

Hi Al,

Thanks a lot for dropping by. I am glad I was able to help you in one way or another...you are doing really well and should be so proud  of your achievements!it can be done and you are clear proof of that ?

I am never a soul of the party ...I keep myself very much so in line and alert, more so now as I aged. The soul & life of the party wasn't there and that was the saddest cloud covering the sunny day. Her life was taken away from her ..dreams, goals, smiles, hope, connection, love. Everything  wiped away and snatched from the loving world in a matter of minutes. Our supergirl  is not with us but will always stay in our hearts and memories. 

Diary,

Back in the saddle so to speak and falling back into the routine of disruption  of my life and schedule. Never mind, needs must.

Can't wait to work in this heatwave...God protect us all!!

No other concerns to report. No gambling  issues. I am balanced out presently so just trying  to keep that scale in the middle.

Stay safe all

Xx

Hi diary, 

Survived this last few hot days and welcoming a bit of cooler breeze ?

Not been to the gym for the past 12 days (yeah that's right!) & thinking today is the day to give myself a little push...tough going but I really need to get bk to it!

Not much else changed in my life. Still no joy in finding the one and online dating sites just proves how many strange ppl joins and their intentions.  Still not giving up hope as surely there must be genuine souls around.

Umm, no gambling or stuff to report.  Life is ok on its terms and could be a lot worse.

Ciao for now!

Xx

Hi diary,

Well another week passed...I still seem to work lol..just no rest! There is really ...maybe 5 days ago I had a breather but guess cause work is extremely  busy and I'm like a hamster on the wheel for crazy amounts of hours, it feels like I am always there.

Ummm, bad news is I completely stopped self caring. For me part of self care was gym. I say was cause I am not going anymore. Well, I would like to but wanting is not propelling me enough  to actually  do it. Not sure if its depression or something  but I have zero zest for life...personal life. 

Same clothes day in day out, same routine...zero desire to "live & socialise ".

So here we go, I think in a strange way I I beating  myself up here. Maybe I scared to put a lot of weight on, maybe I'm not believing  myself that with hard work I can get back into the shape I once was...I believe that really, I just don't want to do that hard work.

On a flipside, we walk a lot more now. Maybe its a reason also as I get a bit too tired after walks for the gym. Today tho was no excuse  whatsoever  as I had full 10hrs to find an hour for the gym. Yet I chose do nothing.  Garden all overgrown too..I couldn't  be bothered  with that either.

Hoovered  the house...so maybe that's something.  

I think the bad choices/habits I keep making/having is actually  showing their ugly faces now. I knew it will happen sooner or later and I think I driven myself in this state fully knowing the results. It's difficult  being a ******** & I know the end outcome...yet.......

I thought  about gambling  yesterday  actually.  On the lines of, d**n, ..I am truly doing great and only two tiny slips in over 400 days. I remember  I used to beat myself up ages ago for having  a slip...ya know what, I will take two-3 slips a year which not even breaking the bank rather than try and be perfect for the world. It's not as if I give myself permission  to gamble. It's showing that slips is not the end of the world as long as one bounces back and gets clear head back on. 

So that's me, work (again) is beckoning. 

Xx

Hi diary 

Sigh...grim days really. Yesterday  heard this awful news (it's printed all over the news) which triggered  extremely  traumatic  memories from almost 2 years ago and today find out that I know the family  involved also. Cannot get any worse can it?

This is second  traumatic  stuff I go through  in the last 3 months...when will it stop?  

This year has been horrendous  for sure. ..and for quite few ppl.

I sent loads of money to parents today...why? Cause I love them and want to support  them and ....its money spent on a good cause rather than gambling...because I'm at that stage...but, I have broken triangle and have no money to waste. Good move I say.

Nothing else from me. Shall sit in my own head with my own thoughts. 

Xx

Diary,

Bearing  in mind how "zero" audience this platform attracts these days, I was surprised  of the cockiness  of an advisor this morning.  But let's bury this sad experience. 

Week was and still is a bit tough.  Not gonna go into details tho. 

Most importantly I didn't give into the evil  huh! ..plus..bonus...I have like 17hours

 spare for my  daily life..that must he some gift for sure. What to do with the time? How to fill mind to set it to sleep?

Answers I the post pls.

Stay committed and true to you all. You are the base of mechanism to set the wheels rolling.  ......recovery is your aim...with or without  support   you can do it!

Diary,

Having a tough few days. Questioning my existence  again and it's just difficult.  Just too intense thoughts which are negative, soul is disturbed.

I think it's partially  to do with too many work hours and very stressful week at work with no staff. I had my "roaring" moments more than I usually have, but ..I just say how it is...maybe need to rein it in but then again, it will boil inside until it explodes so I just say my frustrations as I go along.

Also, I thought I connected  with someone from that dating website...whatever...but the person does not reply anymore. This, again set me back because  ...that hurt of rejection.  Oh I hate those...brings my childhood  memories back.

And so I am, Questioning my worth. 

Not the best of headspaces really.

On a positive note, still same £32 I think spent on gambling  over the past 400'odd days...I shall take it, it hasn't broke the bank.

That's me. Sad, unsettled,  rejected....again.

S xx

Apart from counting  my working  hours which comes over 72+

I had  a thought storm:  "if you're telling  the truth you don't believe in, does it makes you a liar ?"

I know I saved lives, maybe I did my deed for this world. I tried at least. 

***not suicidal..just yet...a moment to digest it all***

Alls good, time to sleep. 

Stay safe all

Gambling  was always a way to numb a feeling  or two. However it turned to very unhealthy habit of hurting not only myself but others too.

From "oh poor me, lapsed again" to..."f**k you, I will do it from anger". Gambling  was a tool to manipulate  world and if I see it clear as day, thankfully,  I have no world to manipulate  with. May make sense to some and may not but thats the reality. Honest struggle  with addiction turned into a lot more than that. 

"Can leopard change its spots?"...

Its not about bad memories.  Heck, I survived  without Gambling for yonks and still dealt with the stuff. Its not about getting  rich ...well, maybe it is actually.  Where is risk for gain, I take it. 

I always was a "low" person. Yet I dealt with emotions  accordingly.  Last 5-6 years is on extremely  different  level. Emotions  are more intense. Dark thoughts more intense and I guess my ignorance is also on the same level. 

Maybe I had to admit long ago that I do actually  need someone  to walk the walk of life with me. Challenge,  guide and support  along the way. 

Since I moved and cut the world out of my life I changed considerably.  Traits are visible even for me.  Almost 6 years of this fight with myself. When and WILL I ever surrender?

Smile, touch, word...simple and natural things in life. Looking  ahead, plans, willingness, appreciation...emotion.

Oh wow...emotion....

No gambling  tho, let's keep it to the subject.

Xx

Hi diary,

Another warm one out here. Drew a short straw and have to work through this second heatwave...bahhh...saying that, I think body adopted by now ?..apart from having to peel work clothes off after a working day as they just sticks to the body, I think I am managing  pretty well. 

Love nights tho..walks at 4 or 7am are amazing  as uts pretty cool at that time and almost no soul around so yeah, very much so up my street.

I almost getting back into gym routine again. Very pleased with that really as it's one of the outlets which helps me to cope with life's  stresses.

As of life's  stresses  ..its pretty q recently. I dont over think war and peace and yes, I do have my low moments but they're not unmanageable any more. I tend to let go quicker.

No gambling,  this always makes a day better.

Xx