Apart from counting my working hours which comes over 72+
I had a thought storm: "if you're telling the truth you don't believe in, does it makes you a liar ?"
I know I saved lives, maybe I did my deed for this world. I tried at least.
***not suicidal..just yet...a moment to digest it all***
Alls good, time to sleep.
Stay safe all
Gambling was always a way to numb a feeling or two. However it turned to very unhealthy habit of hurting not only myself but others too.
From "oh poor me, lapsed again" to..."f**k you, I will do it from anger". Gambling was a tool to manipulate world and if I see it clear as day, thankfully, I have no world to manipulate with. May make sense to some and may not but thats the reality. Honest struggle with addiction turned into a lot more than that.
"Can leopard change its spots?"...
Its not about bad memories. Heck, I survived without Gambling for yonks and still dealt with the stuff. Its not about getting rich ...well, maybe it is actually. Where is risk for gain, I take it.
I always was a "low" person. Yet I dealt with emotions accordingly. Last 5-6 years is on extremely different level. Emotions are more intense. Dark thoughts more intense and I guess my ignorance is also on the same level.
Maybe I had to admit long ago that I do actually need someone to walk the walk of life with me. Challenge, guide and support along the way.
Since I moved and cut the world out of my life I changed considerably. Traits are visible even for me. Almost 6 years of this fight with myself. When and WILL I ever surrender?
Smile, touch, word...simple and natural things in life. Looking ahead, plans, willingness, appreciation...emotion.
Oh wow...emotion....
No gambling tho, let's keep it to the subject.
Xx
Hi diary,
Another warm one out here. Drew a short straw and have to work through this second heatwave...bahhh...saying that, I think body adopted by now ?..apart from having to peel work clothes off after a working day as they just sticks to the body, I think I am managing pretty well.
Love nights tho..walks at 4 or 7am are amazing as uts pretty cool at that time and almost no soul around so yeah, very much so up my street.
I almost getting back into gym routine again. Very pleased with that really as it's one of the outlets which helps me to cope with life's stresses.
As of life's stresses ..its pretty q recently. I dont over think war and peace and yes, I do have my low moments but they're not unmanageable any more. I tend to let go quicker.
No gambling, this always makes a day better.
Xx
Diary....was on a way home and suddenly reflected about my achievements in life. Not sure how it came up but here I am, mind in overdrive...I guess sometimes it's good to see positive in a bit negative world and when things gets tough...
So here we go:
1. Childhood..cannot pin point many "proud" moments...maybe learning to ride a bike (neighbour's one as never had my own) and shouting up to my mum to watch through window to see how I ride....?
2. Teenage years - finishing exams, not exactly flying colours but seeing the end either way
3. Putting my foot on the soul of this country just being turned 18 few days before. Absolutely scary experience but also extremely rewarding ?
4. Taking responsibility of my life/future and securing first job
5.Has to be passing a driving test ?..amazing achievement, deffo pat on the back! Followed with getting first car..Ford focus in red...Will never forget this great runner!
6. Renting my own place and taking more responsibility for my life
7. Ohh...buying a house! That was great emotion for sure! Apart from stress and all the waiting!
8. Finding lil one and taking care of her as mum should! ?
9. Possibly foot stepped in recovery rooms...hard but rewarding also
10. Being successful at my dream (current) job and still feel butterflies in this belly thinking of that moment! (Oh how I wish it was the fairy tale it is being portrait as lol)
11. Joining gym, working hard at it and seeing results for it!
12. ...ummm...changing car batteries, light bulbs, fixing toilets, building up wardrobes, painting walls, DIY in big fashion...like it all and am proud of myself!
...I guess its enough for a shower thoughts for now..I came far huh...I did come far...what I didn't mention and what is present now - I didn't gamble today and that matters the most!
Day at a time.
Night now diary
Xx
Hi diary,
Last few days were awfully low and I felt proper despair. Cannot pin point the triggers but may be to do with work and those long hours in the heat.
Things do add up for fuller picture huh. Always does.
Anyway, today is slighter better day and I see a bit of hope and dark thoughts are being pushed away.
I think it's just me. Just a person I am. Yes, there are things I could put in place to help myself but...its not time yet. But then again, if I run out of that precious time?
Sigh..it is what it is.
Had an urge today and secretly tried to figure out when gamstop expires. In my mind I will dive right into my old habits but I hope I won't. Been there, done that, still dealing with consequences.
That's me.
Stay safe all
Xx
Diary,
We finally had rain! Hallelujah! Went for a walk last night and we both returned drained in it but instead of being frustrated, it made me smile! Esp seeing lil girl dripping with rain lol..she is not keen on it but I made a mickey out of her on walks reminding her she is not made of sugar!
It's good to have a bit of cooler weather. It has been very exhausting with recent heat!
Have Dr appointment in few hours and it makes me anxious. It's for the good cause to see if I haven't got cancer but just the procedure makes me cringe! But I guess gotta do what i gotta do. I remember I skipped one few years back for the whole year as I was so terrified but not this time. Yes I am scared but nowadays is one of the top questions for health insurance and I have to clear it.
It is what it is.
Will be fine.
No gambling to report
Xx
Diary,
I tried looking for a website I purchased gift for nephew almost a year ago. It cost me absolutely loads and all he had to do was phone up and book a day/time in. He cannot even do that even if I prompted him for more than half a year. Issue is, it expires next month. So yes, I am P****d off with him. Almost 18 and cannot sort pretty easy task! I also feel sad of all that money lost but most importantly - I did this for him, out of love and care and wanted him to have the best time with what he would definitely enjoy!....breathe!!!!!!
So anyway, was looking for that site so I can make that bloody call myself and came across emails from 2015...from very special person from here. Could not help but read through them...made me laugh and cry really. What a good egg she was!
Besides the loss of what seemed a perfect friendship I also looked at where I am now...what I would of shared with bestie in this time. Oh my....ain't I let Mr A take over? Im surprised I'm still standing to be honest!
But I also achieved some unachievable goals I never thought I will. Gym stuff and work mainly. I know she would frown with the latter because its not for my mental health but it was my dream all my life and here I am! ..bruised, traumatised, challenged and a lot more educated about life itself.
Even If I am not keen on society one bit anymore, I think now I understand something which would of met us right in the middle in agreement.
I am not gambling, I am sleeping when I can which did improve, I eat better, I swear more and I stand my ground even harder. I don't deal with skeletons in my closet anymore because I grew better and stronger person than any of them. I let karma find her way regarding this. And even if I get knocked down with the tragic losses of people I care esp this year, I keep carrying on..one step at a time...tipu tapu.
So if by any chance you read this, thank you for your wisdom back then. I never strived for perfection, just a more comfortable life for me. Which I have now with good and bad mixed together. Glass is half full.
I hope you doggo is doing well, you never got to meet my lil girl. You would love her! Geeky and crazy sometimes...but love bundle nevertheless.
Stay safe gal.
Xx
Diary,
I tried looking for a website I purchased gift for nephew almost a year ago. It cost me absolutely loads and all he had to do was phone up and book a day/time in. He cannot even do that even if I prompted him for more than half a year. Issue is, it expires next month. So yes, I am P****d off with him. Almost 18 and cannot sort pretty easy task! I also feel sad of all that money lost but most importantly - I did this for him, out of love and care and wanted him to have the best time with what he would definitely enjoy!....breathe!!!!!!
So anyway, was looking for that site so I can make that bloody call myself and came across emails from 2015...from very special person from here. Could not help but read through them...made me laugh and cry really. What a good egg she was!
Besides the loss of what seemed a perfect friendship I also looked at where I am now...what I would of shared with bestie in this time. Oh my....ain't I let Mr A take over? Im surprised I'm still standing to be honest!
But I also achieved some unachievable goals I never thought I will. Gym stuff and work mainly. I know she would frown with the latter because its not for my mental health but it was my dream all my life and here I am! ..bruised, traumatised, challenged and a lot more educated about life itself.
Even If I am not keen on society one bit anymore, I think now I understand something which would of met us right in the middle in agreement.
I am not gambling, I am sleeping when I can which did improve, I eat better, I swear more and I stand my ground even harder. I don't deal with skeletons in my closet anymore because I grew better and stronger person than any of them. I let karma find her way regarding this. And even if I get knocked down with the tragic losses of people I care esp this year, I keep carrying on..one step at a time...tipu tapu.
So if by any chance you read this, thank you for your wisdom back then. I never strived for perfection, just a more comfortable life for me. Which I have now with good and bad mixed together. Glass is half full.
I hope you doggo is doing well, you never got to meet my lil girl. You would love her! Geeky and crazy sometimes...but love bundle nevertheless.
Stay safe gal.
Xx
Hi diary,
Long time no speak.
How is my recovery going? Well its ticking along. Didn't have many urges in that regard. Finances in control and counting months down to be debt free! Amazing feeling indeed!
Mentally am OK today. Yesterday was different story but I learned to acknowledge my state of mind. Was busy week at work, more than few rounds in a boxing ring also which meant I was physically and mentally drained with few cuts and bruises to show for it lol...didn't eat for about 26hrs and I knew that all this is affecting my body and mind so cooked a bit of energy for myself at about 2300 last night...lol..who cares, eat when you can as I would be even more wobbly today if haven't done so last night.
Today is day off and shall catch a bit of a breather before a shift tomorrow which I kindly volunteered for (who doesn't like a bit of extra BH cash?). This however means the cycle of work will continue for another long week and I am almost mentally preparing for a tough one ahead.
Love for lil one is never stopping growing and I adore her lil paws more than anything! Time is precious...her little white face reminds me to appreciate every single moment with her. I wanted to go for a little hike today, maybe Peaks but am mindful of how much energy it requires and also possibility of other loose dogs around which....sadly sets me back with such kind thought. ?
House needs a good clean never mind garden but I had no time for that so maybe allocate some of it for that cause today. ? gotta to...
The rest is like it was before. A bit lonely but not into the mindset to wonder out to big big world looking for a soulmate. I made peace with that...at least for now.
Nothing else whatsoever to say,, stay safe and content all.
Xx
Diary,
Today is not a good day. I have this shooting pain in my chest which continues for the past day and a half. Not sure how I managed work last night as its just too heavy on my heart. Maybe I'm packing in already.. I don't know.
Maybe exhaustion and aftermath what comes with it. What for....to try and keep house warm this winter. Its madness when we put health on a line for ....survival basically.
I had few hours sleep but woke up drained and tired...still experiencing this pain. I tried to make a good day for little one and mustered the last energy to take her to the forest...good intentions counts I guess but I've seen this loose dog just as I set off to walk her and ...it terrified me...so after a minute (if that!) I bundled little girl back in the car. And I collapsed in tears. What the hell happened? Since when I am not even able to walk her freely and give her the joy she so much deserves? I know since then....since the attack!!! I am trapped in my own fear for her safety and ...I don't know. I yet again think she is better off without me...the rational thoughts of deep love, care and doing my best for her even round the village walks is better than shelter...but other side of me wants more for her...how difficult this can be?
I know its a bad day when I cannot stop the tears, feel worthless and a failure. Where tears can't stop even in public whilst I do little food shopping...when I look around and see the world keep on going without a way of knowing of one's pain. I feel suffering again.
It's not a nice feeling. It's a freeway to hell of gambling if I allow it to. Its self destruction.
Today going got harder but maybe it's just a reminder of pushing through with all I've got left too.
...I don't know.
Hello SB28,
I'm sorry that you are feeling low and also that you have experienced concerning chest pain. Please talk with the NHS about your health symptoms as soon as possible. Just as you care for your beloved pet, direct your kindness towards yourself too, as you deserve care too.
Take care,
Adam.
@Adam,
Thanks, NHS stranded as it is so I won't add to their never ending list. I'm alive and breathing and to struggle sometimes is normal given my age and things I do in daily routine.
I had a bit of time off yesterday (well, 20hrs) so spent 15 out of them sleeping! Must of needed it but felt its not healthy as I simply couldn't move my body after waking 10hrs into my slumber. Extra 5hrs must of been required. At least cought up with that aspect before I can tackle the world again.
Been on this site for so many years and have changed myself through them also. No more vulnerable girl I used to be (well, deep down I am). With growing confidence grew arrogance too. Not healthy. There is no balance. I'm very much so split personality as I am different person at work and around family. When I'm on my own, I think I allow myself to grieve my life and that usually brings some negativity over. This definitely needs sorting out because it's not "strangers" problems but my own.
On a positive note - my Dr check up for big "C" came back negative. A bit of breathing space I suppose.
Sister miraculously started paying what she owes (3 years later) and It just doesn't sit comfortably with me. I have no joy from money. There is so much I could spend on (and need to to be fair) but I have zero interest. So it just sits there...I think it will for a long time until I eventually give it back out or....God forbit - gamble. There is always that possibility unfortunately.
Lil one sensed I didn't feel well this morning experiencing this sleep paralysis but she stayed by my side all along, gently placing her head on my chest, having extra rest by my side. I will never be able to repay her the love she offers so freely!
We went for a walk and had a nice drive around town with windows open and her exploring surroundings. A bit of cooking for her now and few hours in her company before I say heart piercing words again following a gentle kiss on her snout "I love you, I will be back, wait for mummy.."...sometimes I feel I'm lying to her saying this because things do happen but I guess this sort of goodbye is better than shutting the door behind in silence....
Stay safe all
Xx
Dear diary,
So so sad day knowing that our Queen has passed away. She has always been an inspiration to me and I am very proud for doing what I do in her name. Always and forever, she will be the person I look up to on good and bad and I shall forever hold her in my heart.
News hit hard but I was lucky to be talking to someone who is growing so close to my heart and I guess news were a bit easier to bear...as we both keep the Queen in highest regard.
The person in mind has completely taken over my current world and I could not be happier for it. Just think how low I felt for this long and now they came along and world is 100% a better place. Not sure if I'm falling in love tho ?....we have to wait and see!
No other issues to report. RIP Ma'am, May you be reunited to your loved ones up above ❤
Xx
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