...

Hi San,

Next sunny day get in the garden, keep digging, keep searching. If we stop searching for solutions, accept addiction & tell ourselves this is it as far as life is concerned what have we got left ?. It's like an abusive partner, awful, uncomplimentary with the ability to convince us that we can't live without it. There's so much more to life if we keep believing & refuse to be a victim. You're a miss on the chat.

Best Wishes

AL

Hey Al,

Thanks for the message, always good to hear from you. Do miss chats myself I must admit but have to serve the sentence for behaviour I used to display. 

Tried to get some gardening done yesterday but felt more like a rabbit dipping in and out of shelter every time it started to rain. In the end gave up and put tv on as weather was tricking me into believing that sun will show up and skies will clear. 

But, today is another day....I will try to finish what I've started.

I like your thoughts on gambling compared to toxic relationship. It's exactly what it is. Pretend love and compassion which is just a sabotage eventually. 

It's difficult  and sometimes  terrifying  to leave such setting even if we know deep down how damaging  it is for our overall  health.

I'm glad you are walking  the walk dear Al. Its good to see how much you have picked up over the time in aiding you to understand  what recovery  offers. Keep on keeping  on & winning  for real!

Xx

Hi diary,

My thoughts  are about how interesting  life's  ups and downs are. With age comes wisdom  with wisdom comes  sea of emotions  and daily challenges.  

I talked to someone  about a fear of flying.  However my last flight was sitting  next to small child who expressed  very different emotions  and even excitement  regarding  the experience.  This made me think how age and wisdom along the way also brings fears in us. ..experiences...good or bad...all comes with time and we start applying  that knowledge/emotions  for situations.

I guess all i try to say...the less you know...the less you have to worry about...haha..how true is that??? Seriously,  just how true....

I am slowly  recovering  from work related injury. I may as well go for a slow walk on the treadmill..since I'm up on both feet again...we hurt and we heal accordingly. We get stronger...

Life is indeed full of surprises  and hope.

Stay safe all

X

Soo...I still did not sleep since this last post. 

One reason or another..a bit going  on.

I can tell how my mind is tricking  me now, strange stuff...

Just want to say.. if you have a dear one...friends are usually  closest to heart to talk stuff through,  keep them close...ask if they are ok...twice...no..  maybe 5 times so you get through  to the deep.

Listen, encourage,  allow to it all spill out.

My emotions  runs riot since early 7th June...I want it to stop but I have no such power...maybe I shouldn't  stop  it, it means heart to me...for very strange  reason...maybe I should let it talk in their own way..

Stay safe all

Xx

Dear SB28,

Thank you for sharing how you have been over the past few days

You have mentioned about not sleeping and struggling with some emotions.

This makes me concerned about your wellbeing... I wonder if you would talk with your GP about your lack of sleep, or contacting Samaritans on 116 123 for when you are struggling with emotions, so you have someone to speak to.

Wishing you all the best,

Tommy

Forum Admin

Dear Tommy,

Thank you. There is no reason to be concerned.  Its not if I laid in bed turning  and tossing not being able to sleep...no, I had to be in places, work and etc...

I finally  drifted off this morning.  I am up now and just need to try and reschedule  my timetable  (sleep again I mean...). Its late already. 

It's been emotional last few days. Many tears but also hugs and comfort.  I only thought  how much I miss my friends. I never had many in my life. I have none now. I just miss what I had I guess...that little what counts the most in life.

My thoughts  are about life and how many birthdays  I attended and celebrated.  Now I see how many funerals  I am at...such a sad turn... It hurts. .again, from the post few days ago...age & wisdom...we pick up stuff along the way.

It is what is is. I keep accumulating  trauma and pain. I can soak it in,  I know I can and I'm doing  it. I want to help others. I shall take the pain if it leaves other a but lighter. I was born for this. 

No gambling  concerns.  I am here and breathing.  What a gift to have. Looking  at the sunset with gratitude. 

Stay safe all

Xx

I spent all day doing the house up..mainly outdoors  ...figured if you sell it , it will bring some  cash in   .. up the price ...

My reason is, I am not expecting  to see years and years in it, it depends  on my lil girl. She is 9 (63 in dog years) so I don't  anticipate  much longer...

My sister will get the house. I got it sorted,  she maybe sell it and progress  from that.

I hate life. Sad but true.. I love my girl to bits but when she goes, I go straight  after her. No question ...

I'm doing good   I'm safe. I am loving  lil one.

.

Another  day just passed by, progress  being  made 

No gambling  ..xx

Hi diary,

Thought  I will pop in as am without  place today.  Tried to find motivation  to do things but appears that I just did not find any and its now almost evening. 

Annoyed with myself and feeling flat. Gym is a distant memory these days as I even don't get there any more as much as I would like. I just don't want to I guess.

Please with the house stuff and in a way it was taking a lot of my time (apart today) and so progress  has been made.

Overall  I'm just a bit lost soul these weeks. Find it hard to bounce back and help myself to look at life in positive  light. Not giving  up tho, hope dies the last huh. Maybe something  will switch in me and I will be able to turn plates around.

Looked at lil girl today and her eyes appeared a bit cloudy. Pain went through me like a bolt. I am fearful  she will start loosing  her eyesight. She is not active or bouncing as much as she used to be. Saying  that she is still quick to chase that ball and jump up trying  to get it off me. She usually  needs a good rest afterwards  and thats what she is doing  now.

In all this sadness and darkness  I know that I am all I can be and provide care and love for her as best as I can. I know I give all and I know she knows that too. Its the comfort  I get because I know I cannot love any more.

There is a long road to walk in this life with it throwing curveballs and challenges  along the way. Sometimes  I am pretty certain I learned from the past or situations but sometimes  I feel I walk that already threaded road with absolutely  fresh bare feet. Through stones and prickles, mountains and twists. Sometimes  it's just putting foot in front of another  and sometimes  it's OK just to stop and take a breather. And it's also OK to take a step back whilst finding  that energy and strength  again to look ahead and carry. Journey continues no matter how slow the progress  is being made. Main thing is - it is being made regardless. 

Stay safe and at peace all

Xx

Diary,

Hi again..been a while I guess. Busy with work and wearing  my Cape ?. Funny/ not funny, I was called a superwoman  before. Last person to do so was my therapist believe me or not. Wounded superwoman  still flies...yes, indeed.

I was called an angel few times also (short lived experience  as on occasion the next 20mins brings me being called a b**tch)...life and its curves huh..been called worse I suppose  ?

Sooo..just after 14hrs shift and all is good. Glad it's more fresher and cooler out there as did  struggle yesterday.  Still skipping  gym...who needs that, esp when superwoman  just flies ?

Noticed a post about GC not allowing  email swaps...wondering  what has changed? Used to be left right and centre swaps on this site...as long as its facilitated  by admin...oh well, I guess times changes same as rules. 

That's me. Still hurt for loosing  a soul who so wanted to live but  life was taken away....its sad and traumatic.  Its wrong and angering..its unpleasant  life experience.  ..but....its life and its curves...

The rest...yup...im a year older soon ...oh dear...as long as I have  my lil one by my side...I am ALRIGHT.

No gambling  issues.

Xx

Hi diary,

Guess yesterday  and my late finish at work did mess with my head a little.  Good news is - I found the courage  to reach out and spoken to very lovely adviser on here who helped to pick myself up. So much that I also found motivation to get my sorry a** to the gym today ?..so thank you!

As much as I love my little one, she still cannot talk back and so ...its difficult  to stay in my head for what seems eternity  sometimes. 

Strange when I think I bounce back from stuff but when suddenly  and unexpectedly I am in this heap of sadness again. I am not smart enough  to process this complicated structure  of brains/emotions  so just riding along those waves until they pass. That's all we can do sometimes. 

I am off on a little break in a week's time and for some reason I'm kicking and resisting something  what will do me the world of good. Not sure why I am like I am...so isolated .I am  detached  emotionally from myself if that makes sense. I will take others' struggles and offer support, yet when the tables turns around, I start resisting help thinking that I will push through  myself. Reality is, I can't sometimes and I need to talk to someone to balance my head out. Work in progress  I suppose and yesterday  proved just that. There is no shame to ask for help.

Received a thank you letter at work from top boss. Little things sometimes  mean so much for me. Makes you feel valued. 

Guess that's  me. Sun is out offering  warmth and positive energy. I shall welcome it into my soul ?

Stay safe all

Xx

Hi diary,

Yesterday  was an awful day...from start to finish and I am  ot impressed  with how I handled my emotions..I do have some anger issues.

Fell out with sister also and I thought  this is gonna be it and we will not talk ever again but she said something what stopped me in my tracks - "don't  lie to yourself you are ok". And she is right, I'm not exactly ok. I know why  but I don't feel I can tackle  those issues yet...esp on my own...on the other hand, I watch myself from the side and see how badly Im deteriating...

Eventually  we spoke and I had to put my guard down and accept that she is right. I am overprotective  and I am simply missing life in front of my eyes due to that. So I shall work on it.

I had extra long walk with little  one last night and braved every single fear I had outdoors..it was a challenge but we came out the other side stronger  and much more at peace.

Today is another  day. I managed gym and it was 7th time this month so far. Half than I used to attend but it's slow progress to get back into it.

It's almost 400 days g free apart from my minor 30 quid slip. I shall take it all along. ..as long as I continue  as I am.

It was good to hear from fellow members from here who does not post any more ...for my birthday.  Made me smile and reminded me that I am not all forgotten  yet ?

Take care all, work beckons.

Xx

Ps. Congrats GC for 25years running this service! (I am guessing  thats what it is for on the top of the page!)

Hi diary,

What a chance to log in and see the counter at 400 days! YEEESSS! 400 days no gambling  online! What a bliss and yes, looks like it is possible ?

Well, am on holiday  now and caught up on pretty decent  sleep last night. Very...peaceful  I should say.

I think one of the reasons is me changing  my routine a bit. Let me elaborate. 

Since lil girl was attacked which was two years ago, I got very overprotective,  anxious and also terrified  of walks. I looked up every place possible  to walk her in isolation. What I failed to see for such a long time is that not only me gets more isolated and in "defence" if random dog appears from nowhere but i made lil one very ....isolated too. Good intentions,  yes, but it's not life for her nor for me.

I've taken her to a park with limited space to run..I wouldn't  let her off the lead..I think I will never do that to be fair...just in case..I got a long lead for proper outdoor space and so it's win win for her to run and for me to still have control  of her.

But last 5 days I said to myself - ENOUGH. I cannot deprive her from outdoors, senses, smells, exploring...

And so I bought a muzzle which I am introducing  to her on intervals during walks and for some reason it made me feel more relaxed because if I see a dog approaching,  I know I'm in a lot better control and since lil one is not keen on dogs since the attacks, it provides me more assurance  that any aggressive situation  may be avoided.  Yes we walk across the road, yes I sit her down and get treats out for her to focus on me for a while...I simply do anything  I can to make the walkies the most pleasant  experience  possible.

So for the past 5 days we have 3 walks a day..and not 15 min ones. We walk all over, we visited places where we used to go which I learned to see as a risk before,  we explore and get off our feet for a restful sleep afterwards..

I feel a lot better. For me and her. I reintroduced  her to the outside world. People...she loves humans...nature, all those smells..

It's not perfect  of course, but it's a massive step forward  for me. I know that....even if its later, I am still giving  her back everything  I deprived her from due to my fear and anxiety.  I'm sorry baby...mummy thought  she is doing it right by you trying to protect you. ..but I didn't..I just made you more isolated  than before. No more of that, we will get through  this together!

Yesterday  I did 30k steps collectively  with gym and being after nighshift.  Never felt better for it..truly didn't. 

Besides I love 5 am walks too if I finish at 4am.....so so peaceful  out there, world is a beautiful  place if we brave ourselves  to venture out and explore. 

I used to not to take her out at all after those shifts, garden for a potty and that's  it..well, no more! Half hour later for bed or more it's minimum loss compared to what I see on her happy face after a fresh walk!

Peace out xx

Hi diary,

Long time no speak. Back from holiday and had a good time. A bit stressful and tiring as expected  but everything  is good when ends well.

There were  a lot of dogs round there...on occasion  more than people so it really kept me on my toes walking my lil one. I'm glad Ive had support  from family members  who taken the lead and allowed me to take breaths and walk beside them cause my stress levels were truly rocket high. ...

We went to the ocean. We had a play on the beach. My heart was and is still smiling seeing  little one enjoying herself. She is truly my sun and light. 

I continue to stand by my words and promise to allow her life she deserves. I suck my fear up, deep breaths, relax and off We go for walks. We just did an hour walk and both feeling  better for it. 

I always said how strong human mind is. You become what you think you want to be. Mind is the steering wheel to the outcomes of your choices, your future. Mind builds everything  around you as well as demolishes it if you allow it. It all starts from within...Mind. 

If its poorly, you are poorly, you make wrong choices and so on. If its healthy, you thrive too,...its just amazing thing to have really! And we all have minds...such a massive resource of opportunities ?

I did go to arcade when away. 2 quid spent and didn't like it at all.. not sure why I went I in the first place. There were few establishments there and it did draw my attention time to time but those two quid ended where it started. Not sure how it would of been if I went away on my own tho. Probably  different story. Felt shame in giving into temptation but it has passed now. I'm good, I'm truly OK.

Take care all.

Xx

Hi diary,

It's good to be back home. I'm not doing much, just resting. I should do some gardening or deep cleaning but I just feel I need to do nothing.  It's my time to recoup energy and rest. I am using this time. I spend it with my lil girl. We went on the adventure this morning and came back flat out. Its so nice to go for long walks, I'm a lot more relaxed also. I know that whatever energy I carry transpires onto her too. 

I've spoken to a wonderful soul yesterday who unfortunately goes through darkness. She accepts help and hearing it is truly music to my ears. I was very concerned about her and the trauma she witnessed and the aftermath of such horrendous event. I am very pleased she is on the right path to recovery . The burden which was put on her is very unfair but I find that in this life, the most wonderful  people carries the biggest pain. Not  sure why is that? Is it because they have a strength of a lion? It's still not fair....why good people suffers the most?

Anyway,  I am here for her and she knows it and thats the main thing. She asked me how do I deal with trauma and yes, I do have access to support services if I feel I need them. Yes I did take the offer of few occasions and yes, it did help. I can't say enough  how important it is to talk..to share...this is the only way to understand ourselves  better and process something  what nobody should ever have to deal with. Professional help is paramount. 

Only with understanding and acceptance you can start building  path ahead. Things are not gonna be as they were before, they will be different however person themself becomes slightly  different than they were also. 

Life's  experiences shapes us the way we become. I just wish those experiences  would be more positive  and forgiving. Not always the case...

Sigh...

It's OK not to be ok.

No other concerns to report at this time.

Stay well fellow soldiers 

Xx

Hi diary,

It's good to be back home. I'm not doing much, just resting. I should do some gardening or deep cleaning but I just feel I need to do nothing.  It's my time to recoup energy and rest. I am using this time. I spend it with my lil girl. We went on the adventure this morning and came back flat out. Its so nice to go for long walks, I'm a lot more relaxed also. I know that whatever energy I carry transpires onto her too. 

I've spoken to a wonderful soul yesterday who unfortunately goes through darkness. She accepts help and hearing it is truly music to my ears. I was very concerned about her and the trauma she witnessed and the aftermath of such horrendous event. I am very pleased she is on the right path to recovery . The burden which was put on her is very unfair but I find that in this life, the most wonderful  people carries the biggest pain. Not  sure why is that? Is it because they have a strength of a lion? It's still not fair....why good people suffers the most?

Anyway,  I am here for her and she knows it and thats the main thing. She asked me how do I deal with trauma and yes, I do have access to support services if I feel I need them. Yes I did take the offer of few occasions and yes, it did help. I can't say enough  how important it is to talk..to share...this is the only way to understand ourselves  better and process something  what nobody should ever have to deal with. Professional help is paramount. 

Only with understanding and acceptance you can start building  path ahead. Things are not gonna be as they were before, they will be different however person themself becomes slightly  different than they were also. 

Life's  experiences shapes us the way we become. I just wish those experiences  would be more positive  and forgiving. Not always the case...

Sigh...

It's OK not to be ok.

No other concerns to report at this time.

Stay well fellow soldiers 

Xx