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Hi San.

Knowing you've been given the All Clear will make my Xmas extra special, what a relief. As for the inking, well your body, your decision & if it makes you happy why not. Keep fighting, keep being YOU & keep posting.

Merry Xmas & All The Best For 2023

AL

Hi San, 

First thoughts are keep fighting, however your version of keep fighting means giving even more to those we care about. Draining yourself, fighting their corner, takes it's toll. You can't beat the system, but you can go to bed in the knowledge you've given your all for those less fortunate than ourselves. I'd be gambling again under the same pressure. 

If you don't look after yourself how can you show the same dedication to others. You haven't caved in despite recent events, your kindness still obvious, & the rewards of your efforts will come in time I've no doubt. One day at a time your day will come.

Merry Xmas 

AL

Thank you Al,..its really appreciated. Merry Xmas to you dear friend.

Diary,

There is so much one can take. Heard this saying  a lot recently but am in awe how much one can actually  take.

I love that woman amongst us..that woman who walks gracefully even if has arrows stuck to her back bleeding freely. I love that woman for her strength and determination to find a better self. Woman with passion and resilience.  Hopeful  woman. Kind and caring woman.

I also see her thinking that she cannot go on sometimes. Head in the heap of hands, screaming out of her lungs "enough!". I love her ability to stand back up, wipe tears away and carry on regardless.  I admire the energy and love for herself.

I also feel sad for this woman who sits at the empty table with chips and glass of water, looking across but not finding  another soul around her this festive season. Who phone's loved ones asking if they had they family meal together and wishes them peaceful  evening  and wonderful Xmas morning. ..I still love that woman even if I feel sad for her. 

I am scared for this woman also. Having to endure  what she has to deal with. Witness colleagues  being violently  attacked and having to use lethal force to protect others. I get scared for the woman and her welfare. I know that actions has consequences and I am fearful that some things just adds onto the top of already heavy chain to drag along.... But that woman is never giving  up and that's the beauty  of it all!..never ever giving  up.

I worry for this woman and current events. I know she is a superwoman sometimes but not every ending is happy. This worries me for her own wellbeing and future. Yet I know that she has best interests at heart.

I feel for this woman...feel for the loneliness and tiredness  where she has to leave her own family to be with other peoples one. I feel for her tired heart having to climb in bed in the morning instead of making her way to celebrate the big day of the year with loved ones.

And after all this...I love this woman because there is no other like her. I absolutely  love her.

Very Merry Xmas everyone,  spare a thought for that woman if you can...who keeps going regardless of the pain, pressure and tiredness. 

Xx

Diary & everyone, 

Have an amazing  & safe journey into New Year. I'm sure it's been a challenge  in one way or another  for all of us. Be true to you, face your demons, come out stronger than before.

I see that I've been a member  for 10 years now...it can't be real ..unbelievable  really. So many good connections  and advice on here, keep close to the site, don't let the light dimmer, but also, look after your own individual  journeys..life goes on, we do change...we live.

Have a good one all, please look after yourselves and tackle new year with reniewed spirit of hope.

Just for today - I won't  gamble

Xx

Diary & everyone, 

Have an amazing  & safe journey into New Year. I'm sure it's been a challenge  in one way or another  for all of us. Be true to you, face your demons, come out stronger than before.

I see that I've been a member  for 10 years now...it can't be real ..unbelievable  really. So many good connections  and advice on here, keep close to the site, don't let the light dimmer, but also, look after your own individual  journeys..life goes on, we do change...we live.

Have a good one all, please look after yourselves and tackle new year with reniewed spirit of hope.

Just for today - I won't  gamble

Xx

Hey You,

Just 1 question, is everything ok ?.  I won't pry too deeply into emotional issues just want to know if the lass who carried me through the early days is ok. Reply when it feels right for you, but know this, We're on your side.

Best Wishes San & a 2023 you deserve

AL

Hi Al,

Ohh, apologies for going q this long but really appreciate your checking in message ?. I hope you're well my dear friend! I'm so so proud of you !!

Everything is OK, or as OK as it can be! 

Work is OK and if investigation is still ongoing,  I ask myself, what would I do differently if had a chance and honestly come back to the same conclusion  - nothing.  The same actions as before. Its still a bit stressful cause it this big organisation dealing now but will be what will be. I just acted to everyone's best interest...and it wasn't mine for sure.

Love life.....hmmmmm...??..where shall I begin. Wouldn't call myself all the bad names going but started living for here and now and meeting ppl. Yes, that is correct, meet, experience,  live, enjoy. Still miss ex but it is what it is, life moves on. Many souls out there wanting to love and share and I'm sure I will find the one eventually. 

More accessories on the body, from piercing to tatts so all is good, I like myself, I like my body, I like my fitness...and my gangsta car rides ?.

I thought about gambling the other day. It takes so much time. Its so sad experience when I look back. So many opportunities at enjoying life has been missed...money lost.  ..dear oh dear..but, look but nor stare right. Its good to reflect and biggest present and win we have - is time here and now. Its ppl surrounding us, opportunities awaiting us and experiences accompanying them! Life is OK, and I'm glad I stayed strong on tougher times because now I reap the results of those challenging moments.

Love to all, take it day at a time. Life is worth living and ther eis so much more to it than putting your peace of mind on a bet/spin.

❤ - S x

Ps. Clock says  day 599....whoooppeeeeee  go me ! ?

Hello San.

Happy new year. Wow 599 days GF I'm so happy & so impressed, I'm proud of you. Back in 2018 when I was new you came on the lunch time chat saying you only had 10 minutes to spare, it was a Saturday, football racing etc & I remember telling you how I was struggling. You spent the whole hour giving me a thousand reasons why I shouldn't make a bad decision ( I listened & I didn't ) probably making you well late for work. 1 hour of your kindness gave me strength I didn't know I had.

Loving & liking yourself ?, well let's face it there's plenty to love & like about you. Getting out meeting people, we're living & learning together. I became so reclusive towards the end, didn't want to mix but to be left alone in my bubble full of secrets & lies, I'm still learning today how to mix & interact, difficult at times but so much better than feeding my addiction.

As for your bodily accessories if it makes you feel happy, perhaps different & enhances your fit look why not. I'm content & happy you're ok old friend, I'm thrilled you're still GF, 600 days tomorrow that's impressive. If I nag you in a few weeks of silence it's not that I'm prying it's because I don't forget how your wisdom & support helped shape & guide me towards the life I have now, so you'll just have to put up with me. Thanks for your reply & making today special.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

Hello diary & thank you dear Al...you're an inspiring soul and I thank you for being here on good and bad.

Just read your entry on your page, I am truly  proud of you and your reflection spoke volumes to me too.

Yesterday I randomly gave in and texted ex to see how things are. I was at the shop at the time...and then reply pinged on my phone, my heart dropped, adrenaline pumped up and lost my head and focus very quickly.  Was at the counter too and...saw those scratchcards there and had such a strong impulse just to get some. In that moment in time, the rest was non existent. Some nasty memories flashed in front of my eyes...how many sleepless nights, suicidal thoughts, sadness and panic I was fighting  whilst active in addiction.  How desperate and lost I was...just how sad and trying times..and recovery offers completely different life. Never easy and still full of challenges,  but so so more peaceful and hopeful.  I love learning  on the way , I will always be work in progress and I will stare the devil on the eye on occasion...I accepted this and made peace with it.

Now, diary, ...so yeah, stirred some stuff last night with the text and a bit sleepless night but at least we both were a bit more adults and had a proper conversation.  The thing is, I accepted myself for who I am and to be honest with you - my energy is ten fold now. I am very different person to who I was. I like myself and I know it's cliche to say that, but you truly have to like yourself to allow that energy radiate around you...and man, don't you start attracting other souls and stuff ??...I may be a flirt but I always been one and with moderation I am still a decent person lol...but what I also noticed, I need to talk, need to interact, need to be in life for joy and laughter...and so I do just that recently.  I live.

Also started talking to ppl at the gym (I'm very disciplined with it and it shows on my ripped body ..ha!! Love it).

I guess now I accepted myself, I live life I always tried to brush away. So many years missed but on the other hand, so many to look forward to and enjoy. 

Soooo....this rant has a meaning behind  it - don't put your life on pause...gambling does just that, it stops us from so many good things which we miss whilst in the mist of addiction. 

Stay well all, stay safe...I got some work to do with another tattoo ? ?...yes! Loving it ?  xx

San,

For new ones turning up here you're truly an inspiration. I say that because you've experienced the real struggles, acknowledging addiction, relapses, getting to work anyway to care for others through all of this without compromising. Being able to put your own pain aside & fight vigorously for those that have no voice isn't the actions of a hopeless addict, gambling doesn't define you. Don't ever sell yourself short, you're special.

AL

Hi diary,

A week on hey....thanks Al, don't think I've seen your reply! You're a cute heart ey...Best wishes to you my friend! I  Am special indeed...lol..not sure it's a good thing  sometimes!

Diary,

Just find out somebody died in Xmas day I used to work with. Young person so it, once again hit me...more so, I only now find out, a month on...sad really, people leave this world at pretty young age......

I had bad week at work. Very testing and me being me...I snapped and raged and sworn and....ended up having  1 to 1 to high person.. lol..teach me well but I'm a person of speech..see problem  - speak out. I have no regrets really, apart from lil "sorry" for point stuff out.....

Contacted ex last night  didn't  i. Of course ended with more pain..etc..nobody cares and its about time I accept it. Nobody  I care about, cares about me...its a toughie  really nut cycle repeats itself years on now.  About time I call quits regarding  this emotional  stuff I think. Can't fight for something  who doesn't give anything  bk...

Gym is in the makings as I need  let out. Killed my body recently...absolutely  smashed it cause I have to...need to...it helps...better than gambling  hey.  Yup..it is.

Not much else for this month.  I keep carrying  on. Not sure what tom brings but d**n true, I will try my best to keep head above water. I have to to help me survive. 

Stay safe all.

Xx

Hi diary,

They say (& we kinda expect) January to be difficult month post festivities...financial  situation and just recovery from December  rush. My January was different  this year and had quite good month full of experiences, dates and intimacy lol...now February is different story and I crashed this month big time.

A lot to do with work and new role I undertaken  which proves to be stressful and v tiring. Cried at work twice already and thought of walking out but it's me we talking  about...forever a fighter and a made of "steel" person. 

The question I ask myself again, how long for? We all have limits and we all know ourselves and when we hit the floor with nowhere lower to go. I feel I reached that. I feel cloud of depression is looming over again, especially last few days...dark thoughts return, no energy for my fav let out in the shape of the gym. Motivation/ discipline gone like a flash...sigh..its difficult to manage my feelings.  

I also thought a lot about the ex. What strikes me and after analysing my deep thoughts,  I figured it's not the person I miss..its the version of the person we create in our heads. And it's true because when you think of it, we all have our imperfections but think of the "missed" one in the highest and bestest  light. Perfect. We miss good side, good memories, positive experiences.  The version of them we want to see again, to like and admire.  We used to cross paths at work a lot. Not if we worked for the same organisation...no, it's just the where I used to spend a lot of my time at work, she used to travel same road with hers..ha, good and exciting  times to share a look or a smile or a mysterious " was it you just there driving past?"...it was on another level excitement in a way ....very mystic too and I remember  thinking  how many times our paths crossed when we didn't know each other...unaware of our presence. The thing is, I think we meet ppl in our lives more than once, in different  settings and if universe decides to pair you up - you meet again..your paths crosses in different ways for different  reasons. If its meant to be, it's already planned in without us realising or planning it...fascinating huh!

Now the patch I have to get on to get to work sends me anxiety and distraction.  I check every single vehicle coming towards or passing me with tense feeling. What would happen if we see each other again? 

I also declined big jobs away for coming big events in London due to the same...in case we meet with work. I don't know how I would react...there is tempting need to speak, then there is anger, pain, disappointment and also care and soft feeling towards person. Love & hate feeling?  These are the worst.

Anyhow....back to what this site is all about. I have had no urges strangely. I thnk overall my mindset changed and I grew a bit different  person. Maybe more responsible or maybe having dreams and desires now...like tatts, breaks away, clothes, self care...all what requires money. More sense of financial importance.  

I thought  last night after shedding  yet another sad and pleading for support tear (silently  of course) that I have it all..material wise...but it's not what brings you happiness..you can have everything  in the world and still feel as lonely and alone with no smiles, no joy, no desire to think about tomorrow...material things are nothing.  Emotional state and its gift is everything. 

It's important to look after our wellbeing  because all the goals starts with the mind...unfortunately the mind starts negativity  also...so looking  after it and aiding yourself emotionally must outweigh all the rest.

Stay safe all x

Hi diary, 

Picked myself up from recent week and pendulum  swung completely opposite way and I'm someone I don't think i ever imagine I can be lol..fast and deep in dating game and even if its not that much about  connection this time, it's more about s*x and hot intimacy.

It's like I'm just enjoying here and now. Remember  my mate said to me to live life to the full following heartbreaking split up..just have fun, enjoy yourself and I think thats what I'm doing.  Who cares really. ..not if I can get pregnant ?

So yeah, addictive side is showing off again and I need to be more mindful not lose it and drown in one night stands or casual hook ups, but for now, exercise,  s*x, a bit of drink a lot of fun drowns other life's factors which brings me stress...another red flag  huh, I am escaping myself. ...but I'm not loosing money this time and just enjoying  the moment.

Guess admin will delete this post, but its all about honesty hey..this is a girl who lived in a closed cage afraid to show her face, meet people,  show affection and fun side of me for more than I can remember.  Let the girl play for now lol..

No other issues to report. My lil girl is still my no. 1!! X

Hi San,

Nout important to say other than I miss you. Hope you're ok. Just realized it was only 2 weeks since you posted but seems like an age. Maybe you just spoiled us in my early days. If you're happy & all's well don't reply, you've enough on your plate. If you ain't plenty of admirers on here willing & ready to lend a helping hand.

God Bless

AL

Hi diary,I'm still here and you're never forgotten! 

Feel like I called myself names in the last post but it's niot the case. The case is I'm rediscovering  myself and that takes blips, roundabouts and all sorts to get it right.

Work is extremely  stressful  recently  but I'm holding  my ground...to their surprise I keep walking bk in! Ha...yup, take this! I will fight till my last breath..

Life is OK...looking  forward to my next tatt as its in a way therapy! I changed so much over recent years and the journey  is promising..so hold the space for this story ? lol

Hope everyone is OK.

No issues with dark side of gambling. 

Peace out! 

Xx