...

Hey, thank you guys.

I'm OK...as OK as I can be circs given. Walking I a mist recently not really keeping focus so it's strange feeling to have. Motivation gone, struggling with gym as just ..nothing left in me to keep me going. But I am going and living and functioning. 

Driven God knows how many miles in heavy rain to other part of the country to buy myself a ride! What a crazy and unaffordable decision ?..now tied up with loan for few years, but ya know, got myself a gangsta car so all is good ?. Mid life crisis or not being able to manage my emotions anymore? Maybe both.

Stay safe all

Hello San, 

Well you've signed on the dotted line now so a little too late for regrets. Compare the monthly payments to what you spent at the heights of your addiction. If it's less then you have the answer. Gangsta car lol, when you drop the blacked out windows & point your Uzi please don't let me be the target. Like you've always said, be kind to yourself. Wishing you emotional stability, continuous recovery and years of trouble free motoring.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

Hello Kind Soul,

How are you doing ?. Recovery's like being a sheep farmer, if one of your lambs are missing there's something not right. If it's only 1 sentence. if you feel like s--t, it doesn't matter just let us know you're ok.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL 

Hey Al,

I'm so sorry I got you worried! I'm OK, as OK as I can be since the heartbreak.

Life goes on. I didn't lose my path regarding this nasty addiction.  I am working a lot, I am training  alot when I have energy and ..yeah...life goes on.

I miss my boo, sometimes  I just catch myself reading over past messages how beautifully everything  developed...I do get that brief peace and smile on my face..just from memories. Its hard when you don't have that person here and now to share your life with. This shall pass, I was suggested it was a lust. I don't know what it was but what I do know -I haven't had this feeling before in my life. I doubt I know what love is...so cannot tell what these last few months brought to my heart.

Need to see GP for the lump I suddenly feel under my breast. Painful.

Makes you think of the importance living here and now and enjoying the moment.

That's me. Hope you're well and safe. Be kind to you. Every day counts...enjoy it ❤

Xx

Hey Al,

I'm so sorry I got you worried! I'm OK, as OK as I can be since the heartbreak.

Life goes on. I didn't lose my path regarding this nasty addiction.  I am working a lot, I am training  alot when I have energy and ..yeah...life goes on.

I miss my boo, sometimes  I just catch myself reading over past messages how beautifully everything  developed...I do get that brief peace and smile on my face..just from memories. Its hard when you don't have that person here and now to share your life with. This shall pass, I was suggested it was a lust. I don't know what it was but what I do know -I haven't had this feeling before in my life. I doubt I know what love is...so cannot tell what these last few months brought to my heart.

Need to see GP for the lump I suddenly feel under my breast. Painful.

Makes you think of the importance living here and now and enjoying the moment.

That's me. Hope you're well and safe. Be kind to you. Every day counts...enjoy it ❤

Xx

Hey Al,

I'm so sorry I got you worried! I'm OK, as OK as I can be since the heartbreak.

Life goes on. I didn't lose my path regarding this nasty addiction.  I am working a lot, I am training  alot when I have energy and ..yeah...life goes on.

I miss my boo, sometimes  I just catch myself reading over past messages how beautifully everything  developed...I do get that brief peace and smile on my face..just from memories. Its hard when you don't have that person here and now to share your life with. This shall pass, I was suggested it was a lust. I don't know what it was but what I do know -I haven't had this feeling before in my life. I doubt I know what love is...so cannot tell what these last few months brought to my heart.

Need to see GP for the lump I suddenly feel under my breast. Painful.

Makes you think of the importance living here and now and enjoying the moment.

That's me. Hope you're well and safe. Be kind to you. Every day counts...enjoy it ❤

Xx

Hey Al,

I'm so sorry I got you worried! I'm OK, as OK as I can be since the heartbreak.

Life goes on. I didn't lose my path regarding this nasty addiction.  I am working a lot, I am training  alot when I have energy and ..yeah...life goes on.

I miss my boo, sometimes  I just catch myself reading over past messages how beautifully everything  developed...I do get that brief peace and smile on my face..just from memories. Its hard when you don't have that person here and now to share your life with. This shall pass, I was suggested it was a lust. I don't know what it was but what I do know -I haven't had this feeling before in my life. I doubt I know what love is...so cannot tell what these last few months brought to my heart.

Need to see GP for the lump I suddenly feel under my breast. Painful.

Makes you think of the importance living here and now and enjoying the moment.

That's me. Hope you're well and safe. Be kind to you. Every day counts...enjoy it ❤

Xx

Hello San,

So, time for some ME time. A doctors appointment 1st priority. Long shifts, caring for others under circumstances beyond control then coming home torturing yourself & asking yourself could you have done more. With your recent revelations about relationships, here's the truth, I'd have never survived & got through this addiction without knowing someone stronger than me was standing behind me, pushing ,shoving, telling me I can be better without this addiction. You've achieved this all this on your own.

Because you felt this happiness is a new experience doesn't mean it's the final one. There's always a Mr/Mrs right for everyone.  Right for you, right for them, someone who'll love & appreciate YOU for what you are. Total respect for not giving in to addiction it just makes me admire you even more. Believe in yourself, stay strong & don't ever underestimate your self worth.

Keep Posting Dear Friend

AL 

Thank Al, you're brilliant  soul..so happy you're finding yourself  again. Nor easy hey, but you're doing  it ?..very inspiring ? ? ✨️ 

Diary,

Docs are concerned with my findings and refereed me to specialists. Looks like there are more lurkers than I thought it was.

For now, just sitting  here patiently tapping my fingers...no I'm not. I'm living what I can live and waht my energy allows. Not much of it but I am doing  my best.

What a life and what a story I created for myself  huh..I must be honest and admit that biggest parts inspires me myself ??..it does. ..and most beautiful  thing is, ppl do come into our lives for a reason and I could point out every single one of you and provide a positive turn my life taken just by meeting/talking  to you. That's  how powerful  all this universe  is. We don't meet by accident...and I wouldn't  be where I am now if not all of you.

So I take my blessings. I'm at the place/peak of my life with career, own house, "gangster ride", fitness,  baby boo, no gambling....yet all above can be so quickly wiped off with the lack of "health"..Read last sentence  again...materialism is not important  when you don't have health...so, look after yourselves.

Stay safe all, Merry Xmas xx ❤

Hello San

Don't insult my intelligence, tell me not to worry or tell me you're fine. As any CG knows honesty is the only way. 5th December your last post, so 14 days silence isn't a good sign. By all means take your time, lick your wounds. One sentence will do just to give me assurance ( despite the hurt ) you're still around & fighting.

Best Wishes

AL

Hi Al,

Ever so sorry for the delay in updating...thanks for checking in tho.?

I'm doing OK, I got all clear on big C!!! And I'm  over the moon really, almost a kick on a backside to celebrate life daily and oh man don't  I do it ?

Mid life crisis continues and I'm making some more "adult" decisions...this time inking my body ??..that strange but "addictive" pain huh.

No other issues to report. No change in love life but atm happy in my own and lil girl's  company.

No urges or such to report.

Busy week at work ahead so I may wish everyone on GC and especially  you dear Al a very Mery Xmas and an amazing/peaceful  time with the loved ones ❤️ 

Take care all, stay safe xx

Hi San.

Knowing you've been given the All Clear will make my Xmas extra special, what a relief. As for the inking, well your body, your decision & if it makes you happy why not. Keep fighting, keep being YOU & keep posting.

Merry Xmas & All The Best For 2023

AL

Hi San, 

First thoughts are keep fighting, however your version of keep fighting means giving even more to those we care about. Draining yourself, fighting their corner, takes it's toll. You can't beat the system, but you can go to bed in the knowledge you've given your all for those less fortunate than ourselves. I'd be gambling again under the same pressure. 

If you don't look after yourself how can you show the same dedication to others. You haven't caved in despite recent events, your kindness still obvious, & the rewards of your efforts will come in time I've no doubt. One day at a time your day will come.

Merry Xmas 

AL

Thank you Al,..its really appreciated. Merry Xmas to you dear friend.

Diary,

There is so much one can take. Heard this saying  a lot recently but am in awe how much one can actually  take.

I love that woman amongst us..that woman who walks gracefully even if has arrows stuck to her back bleeding freely. I love that woman for her strength and determination to find a better self. Woman with passion and resilience.  Hopeful  woman. Kind and caring woman.

I also see her thinking that she cannot go on sometimes. Head in the heap of hands, screaming out of her lungs "enough!". I love her ability to stand back up, wipe tears away and carry on regardless.  I admire the energy and love for herself.

I also feel sad for this woman who sits at the empty table with chips and glass of water, looking across but not finding  another soul around her this festive season. Who phone's loved ones asking if they had they family meal together and wishes them peaceful  evening  and wonderful Xmas morning. ..I still love that woman even if I feel sad for her. 

I am scared for this woman also. Having to endure  what she has to deal with. Witness colleagues  being violently  attacked and having to use lethal force to protect others. I get scared for the woman and her welfare. I know that actions has consequences and I am fearful that some things just adds onto the top of already heavy chain to drag along.... But that woman is never giving  up and that's the beauty  of it all!..never ever giving  up.

I worry for this woman and current events. I know she is a superwoman sometimes but not every ending is happy. This worries me for her own wellbeing and future. Yet I know that she has best interests at heart.

I feel for this woman...feel for the loneliness and tiredness  where she has to leave her own family to be with other peoples one. I feel for her tired heart having to climb in bed in the morning instead of making her way to celebrate the big day of the year with loved ones.

And after all this...I love this woman because there is no other like her. I absolutely  love her.

Very Merry Xmas everyone,  spare a thought for that woman if you can...who keeps going regardless of the pain, pressure and tiredness. 

Xx

Diary & everyone, 

Have an amazing  & safe journey into New Year. I'm sure it's been a challenge  in one way or another  for all of us. Be true to you, face your demons, come out stronger than before.

I see that I've been a member  for 10 years now...it can't be real ..unbelievable  really. So many good connections  and advice on here, keep close to the site, don't let the light dimmer, but also, look after your own individual  journeys..life goes on, we do change...we live.

Have a good one all, please look after yourselves and tackle new year with reniewed spirit of hope.

Just for today - I won't  gamble

Xx