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Hi D,

Long time no speak. Counter shows 750 days and it's reassuring to see. I hardly think about slots or scratch card, I guess life has taken over. Went to arcade thing few weeks back with my gf but we only played table game whatever  that's called. It did bring flashbacks tho being in such zone of machines. Thought to myself how silly and childish I was before thinking that I can punish myself with slot machine. Yup...or go in for fun ..ha, it brought me so much fun that I cried in the heap for hours & days. Those times brings me bad memories but you know, everything happens for a reason. I have no regrets about my past because it has shaped me the person I am now and the life I lead to this day.

Presently  I m very deeply and madly in love. To the extent of moving to my lovely partner and even changing jobs. Everything just happened to slot in place just like that. I ask myself what is love? Is it words? Is it presents, is it person?

Well of course it's person channeling the energy which is simply out of this world. Love is looking into someone's eyes an feeling pure positive energy and longing. It's two way street. To love an be loved is everything.  Nothing around exists, world stops turning and walls closes around the people in question. It's magical feeling. It's thinking the same things, being on the same page, laugh, touch, connection, feeling so at peace and calm in their company, feeling right and belonging, feeling happy & light...having strong bond. It's the best things merged into one. And that's how I feel and felt for the past month

 It's no shame or confusion, it's certain steps forward, getting over hurdles together. And there are hurdles, especially when diversity is not fully accepted yet. But when you're in love, not much else matters. Hurdles becomes easier to tackle,  you become brave and simply free. 

I told my beaut that if people in the world had what we have - the whole universe would be a better place. Just imagine so many smiles and positive energy around! It would be perfect world to live in. And that's what I wish for every single person - to eventually  meet that someone who makes them feel just like that. - wanted, loved, missed, cared for.

No other issues apart from minor stuff which may affect my life but I'm strong enough  to deal. 

Stay safe all - gambling  ruins life, find love instead ❤️ it's out there for everyone  to be found & taken and enjoyed  to the fullest.

Xx

Hey long time.

I see your all loved up.... Bless x 🙂

750 days on the counter... bless that too! 🙂

Thinking of you

S.A x

Hey SA! WOW, been this long since I logged in! Site changed and had to figure out how to navigate this thread. You guys & gals at GC don't make it easier for us hey 🙊

So...I'm still GF! Yay..well into 800 days I think..does it make it 2 years? Wow...that's some change for me for sure. My life is a bit different now lol..more into romance and finding my one and just ticking along accordingly.  Oh, if it was all this easy! With joy & extasy in love - comes heartbreaks. So that's second in a year but with every experience I gain knowledge and grow I suppose. 

I thought for a few times recently that I could easily wash my hard earned away in slots whilst trying  to escape the pain from breakups...but idea doesn't sound welcome any more..phew...maybe and just maybe I figured something  out ..that instead of running away from pain, you need to feel it, go through  with it and come out a bit bruised but not in debt. Go figure..thankfully I learned something in this journey of life.

Hope my pals on here doing well. Hope new joiners finds the peace and freedom from this addiction.  It is possible and you know what is the key? Self care/love..don't thank me. ..we all know it's true, it's just not easy to accept and acknowledge in the times of hardship.  Keep digging deep..the one and only love you can find is in yourself.  Stop looking  out and look in instead. The answers are there 🙂

Take care all and my old good, rusty diary. I will be back one day and hopefully with only good news. Peace & love all 🙌🫶❤️

SB xx

Hi D 🙂

Clock shows 917 days free and oh my little hurting heart! How absolutely amazing it is to see those numbers on the counter. I haven't looked back, I didn't have an itch let's say....strong enough to act upon.

Strangely life just taken over. Yes, I work hard, long hours, I sometimes go round the circle of 24/7 periods without proper breather. Yes I get tired and grumpy but needs must. I am still active with the gym. Setting myself new goals and so on. Can't say I'm too involved in socialising (still) but who knows me on here, knows that I'm pretty happy in my own space & my own company (& lil girl's of course). Baby girl will turn 11 in few months time and I can't believe how time has flown by.

Challenges ahead with new remortgage,  teeth work which costs thousands as it appears on private clinics but you know what - if you love yourself, you will do anything to keep you happy, smiling and managing all these expenses 😊..by earning pennies and putting what's needed aside.

So here we go, I finally started focusing on me a bit more. I'm pretty lil fit lady haha..I am..not getting any younger but I think past two or 3 years were massive step forward to me to actually peel the layers, look inside and fix what needed fixing. Journey is ongoing,  step at a time but I can see results ahead of me. ..and I am so so proud of my achievements 🙂

Take care all. Anything is possible if you put your heart & soul to it.

Merry Xmas all - God bless, stay safe xx

Hey D 👋 

Counter says 968 days g free and couldn't be more happier! Nearing 3 years mark and so much happened over this time. Life still presents challenges and struggles but how we deal with them is completely down to us. Not giving into a flutter during tough times, can only bring sweeter fruits when we made through the storm whatever it may be.

For the first time in my life I entered new year with healthy bank balance and intending to carry on this way going forward. Life is expensive as it is, unexpected expenditures always around the corner. I am just very pleased not to have this heavy feeling hanging over me after another day/night spinning my pennies away and figuring out how to support myself day in day out. These are horrifying memories of the life I lived. 

I cannot tell you what has changed in my mindset. Maybe I found clarity that it's a losers game and you cannot win..because you cannot stop. Its this simple. Accepting defeat can be the biggest win ever.

Whoever are finding themselves in vicious cycle without a way out, please believe me there is a way out. Just be true to yourselves. Hardship will pass the further away from the bet you get. Life will become easier, other options will present themselves and most importantly,  everyone deserves a fresh breath of air without gambling fog over their heads.

Believe in yourselves, anything is possible if you put your mind and heart into it.

S&B ❤️

Hi D..

Just checking in

..over 1000 days g free! Go me...yay...indeed ...couldn't be more proud!!

Advice? Follow your heart not the voices telling you false stuff. Keep your head at the core. ..it works. Rationality works. 

Free and even if tired, f****d up with daily life..yet trucking along...Freeeeeeeee

Well done on your achievement SB28!  This is wonderful and thank you for coming back to share this with others.  You have given many people at the start of their Journey the inspiration and hope that many need.

Keep in touch!

Best wishes

Amanda

Forum Admin

Thank you Amanda...

So after almost 3 years g free stint, I lapsed two days ago. Did I see it coming? Yes, I think I did cause just a night before I checked if my gamstop is still active which it is. Even if 5 years lapsed already.

So after long and taxing night at work I searched non gamstop engines and you can gather the rest. Nothing could stop me then.

Oh the feeling it brought me. The heart race, the flustering face...the excitement....fully knowing that I'm playing for loosing because due to site being offshore, you would need a lot of certification to draw anything, plus they do it in crypto...so I fully knew that I'm playing for loosing. 

It reminded me of having s*x to be honest. And I never in a million years thought I will compare the two but that was most closest feeling it brought me. Absolute bonkers! 

So I broke the bank a bit but not fully. Dreading bank statements as my remortgage is due soon. I knew that also whilst depositing. Just shows how easily you can f*** your life up. One silly decision,  one flutter with a massive consequences not only financially but most importantly emotionally.

Did I beat myself up? Oh yes..that familiar feeling of self hate and disappointment. I self excluded through emails even if never got confirmation it has been done..so clearing search engines for now gotta do..until next big urge..

My partner knows about my gambling issue and was very understanding.  She, however doesn't know I relapsed. I'm too ashamed to tell & to be honest, mainly due to this, I have ended the relationship yesterday.  Cannot treat human being like that. I don't trust myself ans moods the lapses brings. She deserves better. We talked about holiday in Las Vegas and I did mention that it's probably not the best idea knowing my addiction but I also remember adding that probably if I would set an amount and lose it, it wouldn't do much harm. What I failed to acknowledge at the time, is waking the greedy dragon inside me. Looking back, maybe this conversation did add to my curiosity to have a flutter...I don't know.

Either way, I'm trying my best not to relapse. Not to repeat this episode because I can still drag myself up and lead healthier life. This cannot happen again, I have more responsibility than that..I did very well and know I can do it. Its just a fight of demons now which will take some time. Now also being single again and emptiness I feel, gonna be challenging but..I just need to focus on positives.

Escaped to nature yesterday to keep myself busy and in a way punish myself with 12km ..haha..don't my legs feel it today! But yeah, helped to clear my head really

So thats me dear diary and any readers.. this addiction is real, it can grab hold of you very suddenly..same cycle, same outcome...sigh

Let's try again.

Xx

SB28, well done for letting the forum know what is happening for you. It sounds as if it has been a really difficult time for you and I am left wondering what support you are getting for yourself as you try to move forward with your recovery, especially as you have also ended your relationship with your partner during this time. 

Please remember that as well as the valuable support from the forum users and the availability of the Gamcare chatrooms, that the Gamcare team are here via our helpline and live chat, to support you if you would like to contact us and that you also if you contact us you can have the option of having some free, structured, local one to one support to help you to process the lapse and to support you to stay gamble free.

Best Wishes

Jane

Forum Admin 

Hi Jane, 

Thank you for that.

I'm OK...ish. I didn't repeat my mistake, no. Its one of those I suppose.  Trip, fall & get bk up. Similar to life itself.

It's easy to slip. If I wanted my mindset to look from that angle, I could easily find excuse/reason to gamble. And trust me, there are many presently.

I usually shut down when facing problems or having difficult time. I am currently shut down but not because of the slip, its because my baby has gone to the states with work. We made amends, we are stronger than before now but..I just miss her so much. Its like gaping wound not having her next to me. 

It's so bizarre.  I lived such mundane life. No feelings, apart from my baby girl B. My partner teaches me comfort in silence, appreciation of little things, tenderness and...I suppose true love. Me kicking off and pushing her away did not deter her. Opposite  I think, she held me closer when I needed to be far away on my own...trying to escape my troubles. Clearly I'm not doing a good job by myself lol, but, again..I sometimes get lost in my emotions.  Doesn't have to be a bad thing.

I'm smiling now. Memories truly makes tough days get by easier. You know when you look at someone and they ask "what?"..and you say "nothing "..because in that moment in time things are just perfect.  Perfection exist. In imperfect world, there is pure perfection if we wish to see it.

So thats me. I'm OK. I will be OK. Just need to continue to make the right choices avoiding excuses to numb loneliness. That's what they are - excuses to justify our actions. Not gonna be me, not today.

Take care all

Xx

Hi diary,

Something niggled at me to log in today. Urges? I am not sure.  Clock says over 1000 days but thats not the case as I relapsed two months ago. Seems much longer if I'm honest and I'm pleased to report I had no hick ups since. I just remortgaged and that transaction (2 of them) did worry me but looks like all is OK. The consequences of moment of madness hey..just a reminder how it can jeopardise our lives.

Else is going alright. Had a major scare few weeks ago about my baby girl but she had her op and the growth is not cancerous and tbf, put my heart at ease immediately.  I know she is not getting any younger and lumps/bumps are appearing now ...but as long as she is not in pain, eats, drinks and has quality of life - I let her be! 

I am single woman again and last few years shenanigans probs left me a bit tired from that sort of dating/commitment life. I'm free soul lol...I guess that's how it's gonna stay! A bit of fun never hurt tho...so yeah, hold that space!..joking of course..there is not that much fun when feelings gets crushed. 

Life goes on. Bills goes out, still juggling everything as much as I can. Through hard work/sweat/stress. 

Think life and it's difficulties gave me a bit thick skin. But most importantly the lessons I learned..funnily enough,  life has its own way to sort itself out and the less I worry, the better I feel . As they say, you get what you manifest. Think of problems- more is gonna come at your door..think of good things - better ones will pay a visit. So that's me, keeping it all very simple, living each day as it comes, enjoying good - working through bad.

Have faith all, life is for living and it's too short for causing ourselves pain with poor choices. Not only ourselves but everyone round us.

Say safe and be mindful of the above xx

Hi diary, I'm still here. It's good to pop in now and again. So no further fiasco's really and I'm walking the walk of life one day at a time. That's all it's needed I suppose.  And so I'm OK with that.

Urges are not consuming me however saying that, I met my ex last week and I notice my mood dropping and "f***k it" mood suddenly kicking in. She knows I have this problem and we spoke about it. But because I suddenly became childish my "plan for the rest of evening" response ...was gambling..ridiculous hey..I knew self punishment mind kicked in..I didn't gamble, to be honest, just couldn't be asked to jump over all the loops I set up to get to the sites..in the back of my mind there was also guilt feeling of how I may feel afterwards..so I dumped that thought..maybe it was my twisted way to get her mad about me for potential relapse? I don't know...ll I know that I told her how deep I was with this addiction. 

So on other matters..life is busy..work, home, ...etc. I retreated to my old shell again and don't really fancy seeing people again.  My own space is my safe zone. I'm OK with that.

Looking back, I had a good year so far. Especially finances. Not sure what happened there...maybe more common sense or knowledge of responsibilities I carry...I managed to do house up a bit, go on two holidays abroad and also sorted my teeth out to the extent...all pricey stuff and somehow I managed that so far! I guess just shows what we can achieve if kick his awful addiction away..absolutely anything is possible ans things doesn't have to stay as they are..progress is there to be made...always...every single day.

I'm aware I had a slip up in March time and I'm not shying away from that. It happened...but what is most important  - I bounced back. I see clear what I want in life and I accept that only I can make changes happen. Couldn't be put more simply in writing hey...but the thing is - somebody has to work for it. Who? You all know the answer 😊

Stay safe all, God bless, look after yourselves x

Hi diary,

I find myself on these pages as need to put thoughts down...nd hopefully prevent the inevitable.  You know how human beings has an intuition? ..I feel very strong one for the past few days and my mind is slipping slowly into ....dabble mode. Yes, I even went on demo slots ...and you know how it escalates from there..I'm old enough to know I'm purely asking for a trouble  here..

...so let's rewind...what has brought these feelings on? I have been sad last couple of days ...missing my ex I think. How long does the healing take? It's been over a year and some days are easier than others..I just want to stop thinking about that precise soul. My heart was broken back then, ..so why I feel the need to repeat the cycle? Why I miss her so much, why I don't see anyone else in that sort of light and care?..and most importantly,  why I am allowing that power to have over me..I was never loved in my life so why I hold on to this short lie I happened to experience last year? ..its just lies from the people you lwast expect it from...

Work has been extremely busy..I'm exhausted...worrying times and having to be in the thick of it, has drained many of us out...I'm nursing my injuries too and sometimes am just astonished with the strength I carry. I keep going to the gym relentlessly...pushing myself to the limits...go go go...don't ever stop....

My mind is so all over the place it frustrates the hell out of me...really does. Today I decided to do absolutely nothing...because I simply deserve it. Just a lazy day doing nothing..yet on the other hand, I want to punish myself for wanting to rest today..its like I shouldn't allow that to happen.. its truly mental isn't it?..

I saved up this year and big project awaits for this house. In fact I bought moat of stuff and it's just the case of renovation to take place. I know I'm walking on broken glass here..especially with the urges I am facing today...to dabble or not? Just set money aside I'm not sad to lose and ....

...I just don't want the aftermath..that...self beating...ohh..I so don't miss it....and there will always be a better way to spend my hard earned..so what the hell is going today?

But again..can leopard change its spots? One great friend from here (miss you Shiny....)...posed that question many years ago...we all know the answer..

Sigh...

Xx

I miss my ex too mate, like mad, but if you have got through this without them, you can continue to do so. Your story is a mish mash of highs and lows and reminds me of the journey I’ve been on. To come through everything you’ve been through and to come on here when the urges appear shows amazing self awareness and courage. It also shows that you don’t want to gamble. You know the only outcome is a bad one. 

Your diary is an inspirational read. Reading it has helped me, and I’m sure it’s helped many others, so it’s time for us to help you. You don’t want to gamble. 338 pages tell me that. You clearly went to be free of this, and for the most part, you are, don’t let those urges get the better of you. Have a read back yourself. See where you’ve been and where you are now. People come and go from our lives unfortunately. The only consistent is us. Keep fighting to make that the best part of your life and before you know it, there will be something or someone there to share that with you.

Stay strong 💪 

Eh wf..

Thank you for this. Wasn't expecting any responses really as typically just come to put thoughts down..I appreciate your input tho..thank you again.

So I'm up as super broken sleep..as it happens post madness stint. ..yes I fell flat on my a** yesterday and whole afternoon was spent getting my "high"...spin and spin and spin and deposit and ..merry go round. Then I snapped out and asked the site's support team to exclude me...o*g how rude they were! Passed me some sort of email address and before i asked why I cannot do it there and then, they cut the chat off...then feedback window appeared and before I got a chance to type how disappointed I was - they closed the chat.. 🤣...bonkers...I'm crying here really..

Then I just went and got myself some drink and was passed out by 8pm..well done me indeed..now up at silly hour on day off, feeling it mentally and physically...aftermath of my poor choices. 

I want my money back but the only way to get it back is to work hard for it..two or three extra shifts should cover it. 

I'm just disappointed in myself. This feeling is wayy too familiar.  Been here hundreds of times. It's a feeling you cannot really get used to. It's sickening  

I got this brill tattoo design picked and ready to complete my sleeve in next two weeks time. Now I think that all that money lost yesterday would of easily paid for my love of tatts..

Ok, cannot really cry over spilled milk. My own choice...now just need to get a grip again and carry on with my life as I did until now. No excuses are ever good enough to justify our actions. There are simply no excuse. I gave into the evil, end off.

I start again.

Ps. Life is full of surprises and we do cross people's lives when we least expect it. So thank you wf for this gentle reminder 😊