...

Hi diary, I'm still here. It's good to pop in now and again. So no further fiasco's really and I'm walking the walk of life one day at a time. That's all it's needed I suppose.  And so I'm OK with that.

Urges are not consuming me however saying that, I met my ex last week and I notice my mood dropping and "f***k it" mood suddenly kicking in. She knows I have this problem and we spoke about it. But because I suddenly became childish my "plan for the rest of evening" response ...was gambling..ridiculous hey..I knew self punishment mind kicked in..I didn't gamble, to be honest, just couldn't be asked to jump over all the loops I set up to get to the sites..in the back of my mind there was also guilt feeling of how I may feel afterwards..so I dumped that thought..maybe it was my twisted way to get her mad about me for potential relapse? I don't know...ll I know that I told her how deep I was with this addiction. 

So on other matters..life is busy..work, home, ...etc. I retreated to my old shell again and don't really fancy seeing people again.  My own space is my safe zone. I'm OK with that.

Looking back, I had a good year so far. Especially finances. Not sure what happened there...maybe more common sense or knowledge of responsibilities I carry...I managed to do house up a bit, go on two holidays abroad and also sorted my teeth out to the extent...all pricey stuff and somehow I managed that so far! I guess just shows what we can achieve if kick his awful addiction away..absolutely anything is possible ans things doesn't have to stay as they are..progress is there to be made...always...every single day.

I'm aware I had a slip up in March time and I'm not shying away from that. It happened...but what is most important  - I bounced back. I see clear what I want in life and I accept that only I can make changes happen. Couldn't be put more simply in writing hey...but the thing is - somebody has to work for it. Who? You all know the answer 😊

Stay safe all, God bless, look after yourselves x

Hi diary,

I find myself on these pages as need to put thoughts down...nd hopefully prevent the inevitable.  You know how human beings has an intuition? ..I feel very strong one for the past few days and my mind is slipping slowly into ....dabble mode. Yes, I even went on demo slots ...and you know how it escalates from there..I'm old enough to know I'm purely asking for a trouble  here..

...so let's rewind...what has brought these feelings on? I have been sad last couple of days ...missing my ex I think. How long does the healing take? It's been over a year and some days are easier than others..I just want to stop thinking about that precise soul. My heart was broken back then, ..so why I feel the need to repeat the cycle? Why I miss her so much, why I don't see anyone else in that sort of light and care?..and most importantly,  why I am allowing that power to have over me..I was never loved in my life so why I hold on to this short lie I happened to experience last year? ..its just lies from the people you lwast expect it from...

Work has been extremely busy..I'm exhausted...worrying times and having to be in the thick of it, has drained many of us out...I'm nursing my injuries too and sometimes am just astonished with the strength I carry. I keep going to the gym relentlessly...pushing myself to the limits...go go go...don't ever stop....

My mind is so all over the place it frustrates the hell out of me...really does. Today I decided to do absolutely nothing...because I simply deserve it. Just a lazy day doing nothing..yet on the other hand, I want to punish myself for wanting to rest today..its like I shouldn't allow that to happen.. its truly mental isn't it?..

I saved up this year and big project awaits for this house. In fact I bought moat of stuff and it's just the case of renovation to take place. I know I'm walking on broken glass here..especially with the urges I am facing today...to dabble or not? Just set money aside I'm not sad to lose and ....

...I just don't want the aftermath..that...self beating...ohh..I so don't miss it....and there will always be a better way to spend my hard earned..so what the hell is going today?

But again..can leopard change its spots? One great friend from here (miss you Shiny....)...posed that question many years ago...we all know the answer..

Sigh...

Xx

I miss my ex too mate, like mad, but if you have got through this without them, you can continue to do so. Your story is a mish mash of highs and lows and reminds me of the journey I’ve been on. To come through everything you’ve been through and to come on here when the urges appear shows amazing self awareness and courage. It also shows that you don’t want to gamble. You know the only outcome is a bad one. 

Your diary is an inspirational read. Reading it has helped me, and I’m sure it’s helped many others, so it’s time for us to help you. You don’t want to gamble. 338 pages tell me that. You clearly went to be free of this, and for the most part, you are, don’t let those urges get the better of you. Have a read back yourself. See where you’ve been and where you are now. People come and go from our lives unfortunately. The only consistent is us. Keep fighting to make that the best part of your life and before you know it, there will be something or someone there to share that with you.

Stay strong 💪 

Eh wf..

Thank you for this. Wasn't expecting any responses really as typically just come to put thoughts down..I appreciate your input tho..thank you again.

So I'm up as super broken sleep..as it happens post madness stint. ..yes I fell flat on my a** yesterday and whole afternoon was spent getting my "high"...spin and spin and spin and deposit and ..merry go round. Then I snapped out and asked the site's support team to exclude me...o*g how rude they were! Passed me some sort of email address and before i asked why I cannot do it there and then, they cut the chat off...then feedback window appeared and before I got a chance to type how disappointed I was - they closed the chat.. 🤣...bonkers...I'm crying here really..

Then I just went and got myself some drink and was passed out by 8pm..well done me indeed..now up at silly hour on day off, feeling it mentally and physically...aftermath of my poor choices. 

I want my money back but the only way to get it back is to work hard for it..two or three extra shifts should cover it. 

I'm just disappointed in myself. This feeling is wayy too familiar.  Been here hundreds of times. It's a feeling you cannot really get used to. It's sickening  

I got this brill tattoo design picked and ready to complete my sleeve in next two weeks time. Now I think that all that money lost yesterday would of easily paid for my love of tatts..

Ok, cannot really cry over spilled milk. My own choice...now just need to get a grip again and carry on with my life as I did until now. No excuses are ever good enough to justify our actions. There are simply no excuse. I gave into the evil, end off.

I start again.

Ps. Life is full of surprises and we do cross people's lives when we least expect it. So thank you wf for this gentle reminder 😊

Eh...I'm so angry with myself it's unreal! Every time I woken up last night (must of been around 20times) I repeated the sum lost in my head...that was first thought hoping it was a bad dream...but it's not and it's very much so reality!

I'm angry because that money could of boosted help for my sister/nephew...it could of easily sorted my car's service & MOT!...It could of helped out so much...and yet...I decided to....😭😭😭😭😭..

Annoying thing is, I scrape by in daily life. Everything counted, I live on minimum spenditure. I haven't even got my nails done because ya know..its 30 quid!..this is madness! To watch money slip away by the silly spins...purely knowing any possible withdrawal with these overseas companies is near enough impossible and mindfully depositing 100 after 100...is absolute and complete madness! There is no rationale here whatsoever. 

I did so well over the last year..truly stood back on my own two feet. Holiday, private dental apts,  medical care for my little girl as she had few worries and now massages she is getting on weekly basis which are not cheap (the girl lives better life than me!) , doing house up...clearing debts, remortgaging on higher rate...you name it...I paddled through all that living single life (par 5 months dating stint which was also costly)...its not easy..its truly not easy to keep your head above the water in this day and age with no extra support from anyone...and no to go off and do this mindless thing...what the hell I was thinking!

Buzz? Yeah, my heart was on the edge on few occasions but you know, I get the same buzz after gym seeing the results. ....or other pleasurable activities which costs nothing! This is just so so stupid decision, I can kick myself. 

Lost sleep, trying to figure out how to plan my spending before payday. Probably bread and water for me & I truly deserve this after yesterday. 

Just shows how good work can be undone just like that..moment of madness...what the hell was I thinking....

Hi diary,

Just how quickly it can crash around us. It's like a pack of domino's.. tumbling down leaving destruction around itself. 

Last couple of days really shows how awful this addiction is. Comes unexpectedly and says "hey, I'm back and will make your life difficult again..just allow me"....sigh.

I'm in this cycle now..how long will it last, down to me. 

It's worrying times again after what felt like 3-4 years of freedom.

We are never cured..I must remember what I preach.

Tired of this madness.. 

Want to stop but I can't for some reason..HP, give me strength please..I beg you...I keep doing this to myself

Hi SB28 thank you for sharing your experience it sounds like you are very determined to make the change but would benefit from some support.

At GamCare we do offer online support services that you can access here is the link to what you can access GamCare - The leading provider of support for anyone affected by problem gambling in Great Britain 

You may prefer to talk to someone that can help you identify why you return to gambling and identify your high risk situations and triggers that lead you to return to gambling. You can make a safe referral via our 24 hour helpline on 0808 802 0133 and speak to a Helpline Advisor that can refer you to your local treatment team to speak with a trained Practitioner.

Remain focused on your goal to stop gambling as it is achievable and once you find the right support you can begin to work on your recovery plan.

I wish you all the best for the future and continue to believe in yourself.

Rets

Forum Admin

Hi Rets,..thank you for the advise. I used your services before and they were really helpful but on this occasion, I shall decline as I know what I need to do..and your lovely councillors are needed for others struggling with this.

Youre right, I need to keep my concentration on not wasting my hard earned away..its d**n hard I must say and I'm trying my best. I try to focus on the project and change in my home. The issue with recent slips is that frustration about losing and wanting losses back. Always been the same and I shouldn't feel surprised.  It's about letting losses go...

As annoying as it is, I have wasted that cash and so be it. It's not in my account any longer and I need to accept it.

I have a lot of expenditures coming up this year..tatts, holiday, this project..costly stuff and that's why I need to keep my determination going and staying strong. Just living my life I lived until last week..nothing too exciting but at least peaceful..simple things like hikes, gym, peaceful evening in..all that stuff which gives me more than takes away..

I lost my precious time last week due to my choices..same as sleep...oh how I dont miss that after effect gambling brings! Unrest, panic, worry, depression..

You know what, I'm not that person I used to be. I'm not that person who nearly self destructed at the begging of my journey.  I don't want to be that person. I moved on from that life, I discovered myself and what I like..and I shall strive towards my goals.

It's day 4 or 5..rime does help to recover mentally a little and gain perspective on things again. I must say strong. X

So diary...

Inevitable happened again yesterday.  I'm trying to work out my thought process and what brings me to these decisions.  Scary fact is - it's like a light switch.flick it on and off I go. I was just simply doing shopping yesterday after having few peaceful days to myself..and then ..it just flicked...I got in and logged in the account without second thought.  And down oblivion I go 🫤

I know I should put blocks on this phone but I'm fearful that it will intervene with my other apps which it has done previously.  So that's the only reason I don't put gamblock on. 

I sent 6 emails to the company asking for my acc to be closed. This is the only site I know where I cannot do it myself on the app. I speak to advisers who just go in circles telling me to email this person which I have done last week and today. No response..account still active..its enabling me to make these irrational decisions.  It's also frustrating because it seems I'm asking for help and self exclusion and it falls to deaf ears. It's not exactly customer service you would expect hey 😒

So I don't know..feeling exposed to the danger and willpower will take you so far..I need more safety measures than willpower...

Sigh..

Being a gambler is hard...so hard isn't it.

I came back from work last night and logged straight back in to that site. Where has the time went but next I looked, it was almost 6am ..time for very disturbed and unrestful sleep. Always have weird dreams with waking up every 5mins checking the time.  Last night/this morning wasn't any different.  The only difference is that my subconscious was repeating itself "put blocks on, block that site". I woke up with that thought...and a reminder what I wasted so much again last night.

I also dreamed GC and ODAAT user making entry in diaries. Someone who I have the most respect for and who, to be very honest, dragged me up to the person I am now...independent,  strong, confident and knowing my worth. Not to forget that down to that user I do what I do because I believe in myslef) and I live where I live because of the support and knowldege/advise I received from them. Forever greatful. I don't think I would of had this foundation to change my life without having ODAAT by my side all those 7 years ago.....thank you.i hope your life is treating you well. So deserve peace and happiness. 

This morning I installed blocks. Two of them on my device. I tried to access the site and I can't. Relief in my body is unspeakable. I know this will change. Because when urges hits, I will be cursing under my breath my decision just now to block them. But I know sweet fruits will be greater than another wasteful session.

I am crying now. For recent loss or freedom..happy tears or sad ones..I don't know but what I now, it's been long waited relief in this body. 

Now I shall make myself some coffee, take lil lady out, go to the gym....dress up & show up at work for nighshift like nothing else has happened in my life..whilst deep down, ...last week was pure hell. Thank to me of course, I created this mess, I shall drag myself out of ir.

No more tears S..time to straighten that crown and show up for the world. Life is here for living.

.

Hi diary,

What a difference putting blocks on makes!!! Phew..I feel like I'm regaining control of my life again 😊. Couldn't be more happier.

I want to thank myself actually for accepting defeat, realising that nothing changes if nothing changes, forgiving for my mistakes and determination to fight a good fight.

I said this before. I'm not THAT person any longer. I know I cannot change but I also know that I went too far to look back. I'm better version of myself now. Yes I make mistakes but now I have a vision in life. I want to reach for what I'm capable off and ....sky is a limit really.

Also want to thank GC for assistance with these blocks. Appears, that I already was signed up yonks ago, but didn't fully submit the application for gamblock..so licence will end in February but at least this gives me time to recover fully, heal from past two weeks and have much more clearer head for then I renew the license.

Thank you all for support and help.

It's only like 4 days but when I know I have no way to the hell, I am sure I will keep making the right choices accordingly..😊 ....all I can advice - blocks blocks blocks, as many as you can. Does make massive difference  xx

Nice one, SB. You got this 💪 

Thanks Roxy!  Hope your journey going strength to strength!

So it's 10 days since my last episode.  Cannot recommend blocks enough! Without them, I believe I would still be stuck in merry go round.

Losses still stings a little but had to let it go..this addiction is very gripping it's almost scary..honestly I was so fearful being out of control.

Stay safe all ..day at a time 

Hiya am in similar situation as u been trying to get better since 2011 when i first got myself into Ga longest gamble free time i have managed it 3 years currently on day 445, i am really afriad of the future as it is life long i just cannot go through with it again and i know exactly how u feel, has long has i dont give into the urgue my life is going perfectly fine im able to deal with stuff however im really scared i have become parrownoid as i know how dangerous this addiction can get i was the person who gamblied anywhere and everywhere apart from online so even thought i have put blocks in place i could still potentially relapse which scares the hell out of me, my health isnt the greatest and i am scared of the future i have made changes and coming on here has helped however the truth is i can help myself each day i hope in the future their more done for people like us it not just the financial aspect it the mental torture that comes with it similar to people suffering from Ptsd