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Hey Carla, thank you so much for your kind post.

Hi Sandra

I'm hoping you're OK today- just popped by to see how things are going with you.

Thanks for the support on my diary, you always offer so much and its very much appreciated.

I've asked GC to forward my details to you.

Take care of yourself and remember how far you've come......

take care

Irene

x

Hi Irene,

Thanx for agreeing to share ur details.

I'm OK, just a bit back and forwards today. Tried to delete few posts...but gave up after a while...long diary:-)

Just not the same after the slip...but i will pull through.

Thanx again

Sandra x

Morning Sandra

Stick with it ur doin all the right things by keeping posting, I wouldn't worry too much bout posts u previously wrote at the end u wrote what u felt and that's exactly what ur diary is for

Try and start to forgive urself always the hardest person to get forgiveness off, why we are so hard on ourselves we only

Keep fighting sometimes that's all we can do

Castle2

Thanx Castle.

Yes, you are right...posting helped me for the last 4 months...i can't turn away.

Yesterday i spend all evening on this site..Reading. I read in f and f section, and...just the hate and anger for myself took over. Biggest respect to the victims of this discusting disease - behaviour. Family are the ones suffering....

That's why it triggered me to delete my diary,...shame, dissapointment..

I blame addiction, past and s**t like that... Addiction is me...i started it and i let it take over. Some much love for myself eh...killing myself softly and slowly. Not just myself....what about the ones around us???

Today i will just function.

It is what it is

S x

Sandra

cant catch up with your diary as you have deleted portions of it.

I will say this what is done is done!!

You cannot change the past, leave it there.

The future you can do something about.

One day at a time find a way to better yourself.

thanks for the kind words on my thread, they mean a great deal.

It is all about a choice, one that for us will without doubt better the tomorrow.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thank you so much Duncs...means a lot xx

Dear diary,

Not sure how to express how i feel all this week. Seems like back on a rollercoaster ride. A lot longer and bumpier..( hate rollercoasters)...

Really struggled yesterday and seemed to carry my mood over to today. Maybe good thing, that i'm going to work soon. I need to clear my head with other things...not only with racing away in a fresh air.

Recent slip really upset me...only because i wanted it not to happen so much...i slipped...i can't forgive myself..

But time is a healer they say....

This diary and people on here is a massive push forward to me...i can relate with the emotions, sadness, anger, happiness so much...it's like looking in the mirror....i am not weird or crazy....i am normal and it's what life throughs at you..just take the blows and deal with them.

I would suffer forever for any one of you...just to take some of your pain away.... life is tough, it's wrong and slippery at places....but who are we??? We are fighters my friends...we give it all to move forward and look fear in the eye....not many people can do that...

For that i respect you all.

I am trying to look at everything in a positive way...it is hard at the minute, but i know that only me can better my own life...nobody else will do it for me. Honesty, kindness, understanding and constant learning on my way....will take me to the other end.

I am trying my best to stick around...i have so many thoughts to leave this site and forget everything....but even in that state of mind i know that would be it for my journey...i can't do it on my own...i'm sorry....i don't wait for your posts or anything like that...i want to read, support, understand and help if i can..

Simply because you all helped me so much....funny enough i feel like 16 year old, needing to be shown the way in my life...to stay on straight and narrow ...... and i can do it here..i learn good bad and ugly....It is life and nothing is ready for you on a golden plate...you have to work and work hard to achieve the goals you set for yourself..

Thank you so much again, it really means a lot to me....some of you might think.....what does she understand about life?.she is only foreign... ....and it's true...i can only learn, i do mistakes, and i am more than thankful i can take the part in your journeys and have opportunity to share mine too....it is most appreciated.

Day at a time

Day 4. No way back just build the road ahead because i have that choice.

Sandra x

P.s. sorry for all spelling mistakes:-)

Sandra, I am so glad you're on this site. You're such a giver and you should definitely not feel bad for taking once in a while. You said that the addiction is you. I don't believe that. I think the addiction covers us/masks us... sticks to us in layers with the strongest glue... and we need to free ourselves from the layers to uncover the real us. And most of us do slip or relapse and then the layer of addiction glues itself back on... but if we learn from our slips, then the glue doesn't have quite the strength that it had before and the layer will come off a bit easier next time. My problem is that the addiction is stuck on with crazy glue! Blessings to you! Keep on keeping on. (((S)))

Hi Sandra,

Your last post struck a chord with me, particularly the bit about working hard to achieve your goals. Every time I have a slip, and I get back into debt, I'm not working for my goals, just working to pay off my failures.

Soon enough though, those debts will be gone again, and we will be working hard towards our real goals. Your support is always valuable on here, and I hope I can repay some of that. You may have had a slip be we both know you are strong enough to keep onwards and remain gamble free.

All the best

Ryan

Thank you Carla and Ryan..most appreciated.

Short post this morning...did something surreal today..sat my boss down and cleared the air... i was bothered about some stuff recently and rumous....well hate them...so feel so much better now and free to carry on with my duties.:-)

I still got some fight in me lol...at least didn't get sack for speaking my mind out lol

Kids waiting time to move lol

Sandra x

Hey Sandra ...

This is a good sign and it's worked out for you...you are worth fighting for and worth standing up for and have made your views known....good for you!

I should hope they would not sack you for speaking your mind....thankfully we are not living in a dictatorship just yet in the UK ...lol

Keep on that road you have carved as its yours and you will find what's right for you xxx

Thanx Rachel...yep i'm glad we are not in a dictatorship and i still got my head on my shoulders lol:-)

Dear diary,

Well, today i feel a bit back to square one. Even if my conversation made me feel better yesterday, company turned it upside down...

What's a point to say, 'We was worried you might leave us' to spum round and say ' here is more workload, responsibility and stress'.....

Progression? Where to? When i have nobody to go by, being left on my own to take the most dificult decisions for company's needs....

STRESS kicking in lol....breath Sandra...breath...

As about my addiction...i do think it's an illness and self destructive behaviour. You can't have medicine for it...it comes from inner you...the strengh, believe and hope.

By NOT placing a bet at all...i am controlling my compulsive behaviour...it is the only way working for me....simply because i am addict and i am not scared to admit it...

Hey ho...time for work:-)

Day at a time

Sandra x

Hey Sandra,

Sorry to hear you are stressed out, deep breaths always help! Hope work goes well today and you enjoy the weekend. Take care xxx

Hi Sandra

Glad you "cleared the air" with your boss...a wee chat that was definitely needed....sorry to hear though that they're still piling on the responsibility- do they not know who they're messing with??!!

I'm also relieved to read that things are getting back onto an even footing for you.

I hope work's not too stressful this weekend- that's me done till Monday thankfully.

Take care

Irene

x

P s Great work ! x