Getting there slowly

That is exactly what these diaries are for!

I hear you...Any little injury can really start pulling me into a place I don't want to be & a detached retina sounds horrible 🙁 Hope you get better soon.

As for the mind stuff, have you had a go @ GA? It's not the same as jumping up on a therapist's couch & it may just be the kick start you need to accepting yourself, warts & all. Ain't none of us perfect - even if I like to kid myself I am 😉

There's always sunshine after the rain! Keep fighting Daz - ODAAT

I just wanted to come back and apologise for disappearing, following eye surgery and given my ongoing battle with depression the inevitable happened and I've had a breakdown I suppose you'd call it. I'm now on medication and getting help from professionals but it will be a long battle back to any kind of normality. I'll add that I haven't returned to my online gambling habit which is pretty much the only positive I can take out if it...I lost interest in everything including gambling. I'm not sure when I'll be back on here again I'm hoping that when I get back to being myself the gambling urges won't return but I doubt that so I'll try to keep updating. I'd like to thank everyone on here for being so kind and understanding I guess I wasn't completely honest about my mental well being but I haven't been honest with myself about that. I wish you all luck and I will return but hopefully not because I have to but because I want to. Daz.

No need for apologies Daz , your diary's here if and when you want it and to be honest youv'e a really valid reason ! , You sound as though youve been well and truly through the mill these past weeks , it's great that your still finding positives despite your ongoing battle :)).

I wish you well my friend and hope things continue to improve for you .

With much respect

Alan

Felt like posting here today for some reason, not been on my diary for so long. Finally seem to be getting sorted properly, no bank cards is working for me together with anti depressants. Currently working overtime to build my finances back up, not enjoying it but has to be done. Spoke to a friend recently who had similar problems but won’t admit it. Not much I can do to help just try to be a mate I suppose. One thing that really has changed for me is I’ve realised you can only help yourself with GA. I’ll keep going with the challenge for 2018. Early mornings at work are so much easier when you haven’t lost a fortune online the night before. Daz

A good year so far, always try to be on my guard but I think I’ve finally got the formula right. I’m honestly not sure that I’ll ever be able to have bank cards again though and anti depressants seem to have given me a better out look on life. Never thought my life would end up like this so many wasted years and so much wasted money but I really think I’m getting somewhere these days.

Seriously considering getting a debit card with a small limit on it to make life a bit more normal. The urge to play online slots has left me and with medication my mind seems a lot more focused on life. Not 100% sure yet as over the years I’ve been at this point so many times only for something to trigger a relapse. I think I’m talking myself out of it while typing this lol. Although my savings all went over the years I’m lucky I suppose not to owe anyone money and to have kept my job. I’m also very lucky to have found a GP who actually took the time to get me talking about what’s going on in my head. Well as usually I’m going on too long but it helps to put it on here. I can read it back later. Daz signing off and getting back to work.

Hi Daz, I'm sorry to read about your breakdown the other year and I hope you now find yourself in a happier place.
It sounds like you've done a great job in coping with this addiction.
It also sounds like you need a little extra support at the moment so well done for coming on here and talking it out.
You should be proud of your achievements because you sound as though you have had a lot to cope with.
All good wishes x

Thanks Little Miss, life has been one long struggle and probably always will be I think. Not sure my brain is wired up properly to be honest. Decided against getting a bank card it’s just not worth the risk. I’ll keep going forward and keep taking my meds, hopefully there will be light at the end of the tunnel someday soon.

I wanted to post this really as a reminder to myself about how I used to act, an old friend was back in town last week I may have mentioned him before. I had my 1st gambling experiences with him many years ago, arcades and casinos which were okay until I found online slots and that nearly destroyed me. Anyway I’ve tried talking to him before about gambling problems as I saw a fellow sufferer but he’s always denied having problems. I’m drifting again, so last week we went for a walk along the coast and of course he wanted to go in the arcades. I’m proud to say I told him I wasn’t gambling anymore but ashamed to say I went with him. It was a shocking 2 hour experience, he won then lost, used 2 different cards in atm’s lost that and finally tried to borrow money from me. As usual these days I had very little cash so that was out. The short trip home was pretty quiet and I dropped him off and returned home. The change in my friend was amazing, he’s very intelligent but became obsessed constantly swearing at machines and showing no interest in chatting. The point I think I’m trying to make to myself is that used to be me huddled over my iPad every night. I like to think I’m changing and maybe getting my head straight and in a better place, I know I never want to go through it again so I must keep my wits about me. I wish I could help my old friend but I’m not strong enough to deal with anyone else’s problems, mine are enough for now.

A lighter note to finish, I did have a few quid for fish and chips before the drama started a simple treat but that’s what I live for now. Anything that makes me happy must be a good thing.

As usual I’m going on again so I’ll leave you all in peace. Daz signing off it’s time for some sleep.

Strange, I always thought online slots were my only problem but walking past the local bookie this week made me think differently. There was a member of staff smoking outside who stopped me for a chat, he said I used to be in there most weeks and they hadn’t seen me for so long they thought I’d left the area. I honestly thought I’d only been in there a few times certain made me think.

Oh well the sun is shining and I’m working again, still things have certainly improved since those dark days.

Daz.

So I’m back and a week since my last major lapse and it’s time to restart my diary. I stupidly thought I could gamble responsibly but as we all know for a GA that just doesn’t work. Everything is back in place to stop this happening again so I’m going to give it a good go again. 

Its taken a week to get my head straight I was feeling very low having lost every penny yet again. More importantly though I let myself down. I think that even though I’m on medication for depression and anxiety I still chase the buzz of gambling to pick myself up. 

These days I have a very good GP and she offers every support possible. I currently hate myself so I’ve got to turn that around. 

I don’t think I’ll come through many more disasters so here we go again. 

So I’ve managed 2 weeks and feeling a little better about life, I’ve been living as cheaply as possible to stretch my wages as far as possible. Freezer has packed up today though not sure when I’ll be able to replace that so I’ll be eating tinned food for a while ?. I put this down as fate punishing me for gambling everything away again, I guess I deserve things like this at the moment. 

Anyway no point dwelling on the past got to keep my chin up and keep moving forward. No real urges to gamble this week, it really helps not having any money though. I’ve worked every hour possible to make next month easier which also helps fill my time and started back at the gym again. Realised I’d put a couple of stone on so I’ll aim to shift that as soon as possible.

Still feeling really low but better than a couple of weeks ago, just need to keep concentrating on getting my short term finances sorted. 

Strange even though I’ve felt great in the past when not gambling I’ve always messed up again. This time was the worst I’ve ever felt actually planned how to kill myself so this should stick with me. I’ll be back again when I’ve got a minute or got something to say.

Dear Daz71,

Really sorry to hear you’re feeling really low at the moment. Also, that you’ve been having suicidal thoughts.
Please get in touch with us on our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or the Netline here to talk to an adviser 1-2-1 and discuss the further support and treatment options available to you.
Well done for continuing to post here.
Wishing you all the very best,

Forum Admin

That took me by surprise a message from admin, maybe I was a little too honest with how I’ve been feeling. On the other hand I think this is the place to be honest. I’ve done the sensible thing and talked to my GP, I’m on medication as it is and she’s changed that and I’m going back again later this week. I feel lucky to have found a good GP who takes the time to listen and offers support. 

I really appreciate the message though, I’ve had a couple of chats online here and they do help but really I have to help myself. It’s nice to think somebody cares.

 I’m just going to take it week by week and try to get back to a happy place again. I’ll try to remember the state I’m in if in the future I think I can control my gambling again. I really can’t, win or lose I still feel so depressed when I’m gambling.

 I’ll keep posting here, it helps. 

So over 3 weeks now since my melt down and my head is clearer. Still very little money of course but payday is approaching and I worked a lot of extra hours last month. No gambling although amazingly I’ve had the urge at times it’s crazy that as low as I was last month the thoughts still keep coming. Anyway I have my defences up. Got some time off work next week, could be an issue because I’ll be spending it alone with very little money while my friends go away. I see that as another deserved punishment for my failings so I’ll just have to deal with it. I’m still avoiding people as much as possible and seem to be filled with a lot of anger and hate, all directed at myself. 

Anyway I’m up early for work tomorrow so I better sleep just felt like posting. I hope things soon feel a little more positive, I need something to happen that will make me smile.