Getting there slowly

Been a little strange over the last week, I’m off work and struggling to get out of bed. No real gambling urges, we’ll no money anyway so it’s not an option. I have to try to get out of the house though, suffered from depression for long enough to know hiding in bed is very unhealthy for my mind. I’m actually typing this from bed and it’s 1pm so I’m going to end now and force myself to the gym.

39 days now since I hit rock bottom and I’m feeling more positive. I’ve replaced my freezer using money from the overtime I did last month. Not willing to treat myself to anything else though don’t feel like I deserve anything nice at the moment. Still struggling to leave the house much other than for work it seems a massive effort every time I go out. I’ve been to the gym a couple of times but really not feeling like talking to anyone unless I really have to. I think the days when I believed I could live a normal life have gone so just got to make the best of the mess I’ve created. 

Ive tried so many times to stop gambling but this time seems different but not in a good way. I just don’t really care about myself anymore, I loved to say failure isn’t an option but it’s been the result every time in the past. Hopefully in a few weeks or months I’ll look back at this entry with a more positive attitude. At the moment though struggling with life not gambling. 

Hi Daz

If it helps, I understand you completely. It took me a long time to be at all sociable after my last catastrophic  relapse. All I can say is that with time, as the days go up, it does get better. I think it takes time to forgive ourselves, to allow ourselves anything nice and to shake off the feeling that we don’t deserve anything. But it’s crucial I believe, in your recovery to start that process of self-forgiveness. Remember you haven’t killed anyone (I assume!) or intentionally set out to harm. If you accept your addiction as something that you cannot control, and that you understand yourself as a separate person from that addiction it might help. You were not born an addict. It is something that happened to you and is not who you truly are. Stay positive and gamble free.

Thanks Rob and you’re right I haven’t killed anyone, that did make me smile though. I agree with a lot of what you say, I’m struggling with self loathing because of the mess I’ve got myself in. I just seem to have a self destructive streak that appears every time I get myself back on track. I guess this time it’s  hit me harder than ever before. I’m still avoiding gambling and another payday will soon be here, maybe this afternoon I’ll drag myself to the pub for a pint. It’s got to be better than sitting inside hiding from the world, I seem to be over the short term financial issues so it’s just a matter of thinking medium and long term now. 

I still have my job, my health although not brilliant at times is ok and the suns shining so what am I doing inside? I know if I stick at it things will keep getting easier, I never want to experience that feeling the morning after a major lapse ever again. Keeping my fingers crossed, my blocks in place and my money in the bank.

Daz

So I’m back after a long break, usually I come back here because I’ve gone back to my old ways but this time no. I’ve had a couple of occasions when I’ve looked at the new gambling sites but never tried to register. In the past I’d have found a way to destroy my life no matter how many blocks I’d put in place.  The last slip has to be that, the last slip it’s the closest I’ve ever come to doing something really stupid. 

So things feel different this time which I’ve said before and I’m still on a mixture of anxiety, depression and sleeping medication which I know help. It just seems easier this time for some reason, I’m not stupid though I know I’ll always have the problem so I need to be so careful. The reason I’ve decided to make an entry is recently I was in town and stopped to talk to someone. Realised I was outside a well known bookmakers, I’d been in a few times but online gambling has always been my problem. The branch had closed permanently, I suddenly thought it’s gone but I’m still here. I do feel sorry for the staff who lost their livelihoods but I’m still alive which I really didn’t see as possible a few months ago.  It made me want to update my diary here, anyway I’m going on too long as usual. Just wanted to put the feeling into words which I’m not that good at but I feel happy.

Daz signing off, if you read this thank you and I apologise if it puts you to sleep.

Thought I’d get another post in before Christmas, I’ll try to make it quick as I normally go on way too long. Earlier in the year I didn’t think or rather didn’t want to still be around for Christmas but here I am. Not really sure what’s happened differently but the part of my brain that was obsessed with online slots seems to have crawled back under the rock it came from. I know I’ll always have to be careful and just reading my diary back shows how low I’ve been so many times.  I said I’d make it short so I will, wishing a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone and thanks to all members and staff members here that have taken the time to talk to me.  It’s all helped so much ?.

Thought I’d check in again, still doing ok. Looks like I’ve finally got the better of my online gambling habit. Wishing everyone a happy, healthy new year.