Going to keep this thread now!

Freda.

I am so glad you have the courage to seek support, equally I am sorry your counsellor wasn't able to extend the same courtesy.

I am disgusted at the level of mental health care this country offers and am pleased you have built a support network you can better rely upon.

This forum has been a source of constant inspiration and brings a grounding equally to my life.

I am glad that it has offered you therapy equally.

Look after number one, without concern.

The effect on other folk will be evident.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Freda,

Just popping in with a friendly hug. Its good that your able to cry. Its very rare that I cry... being a male from a stiff upper lip background, it somehow prevents it.

Like you say, health before work.

Bee good to yourself, as I do the same.

Regards... S.A

freda wrote:

Thanks so much for your messages guys. I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately, and started closing up, as depression makes you do.

I know I'm still young (36) and fairly healthy, so I don't really have to worry about this too much, but I have been feeling really scared and it's feels dangerous to let my full feelings come up. My blood pressure gets really high, which I'm sure it does for everyone, but I get scared when I'm on my own.

Had a bit of a breakdown on Tuesday. Had to go and stay with my Dad, who totally can't cope with emotion, but I was frightened to be alone. I felt so low. I'd gone to this medical centre, as I was due to see my counsellor. I was feeling really low that day, and wouldn't have gone out unless it was for some support. Usually, I really hate to cry in public places, it makes me feel so self-conscious, but I was crying all the way there. Just walking along and sobbing. After I'd been there for 20 minutes, it became clear that the counsellor wasn't there. She had cancelled the appointment, but no-one had got in touch. I was left in this strange place, alone, feeling really overwhelmed. The receptionist came to sit with me for a couple of minutes to give me a hug because I was shaking and crying so much. I managed to get home in a taxi, but was very panicky. I ended up calling my parents individually, and my dad came through to take me to his on the evening.

R stayed over with me last night because I felt so scared to be by myself, and I'm spending the day at our old place while he works from home today. I'm having a good cry as I write this. My diary has always been a great listener.

I know I'm just going through a bad patch, and have asked a few friends to call round today to sit with me for a bit. I find that really hard to do, ask for help, but I really need all the support I can get right now.

I'm pretty much abstaining from gambling, still. I did spend a few pounds last week, but literally just a few, less than a fiver, and apart from that, I have been totally abstinent for months.

I'm staying on the sick now until I feel a lot better. I was trying to hang in there and keep my job, as it is good for me to have somewhere to go, and have a routine, even if the job itself is tiring and boring. It has gotten to the point now, where I need to put my health first, and that will take as long as it takes. If I do lose my job, so be it.

I think it has helped a bit to get these thoughts outside of my head.

Missing you Freda.

Hope your well?

Hey Freda,

How are you? Missing your lovely & honest posts ☺

Sending ya warm wishes and buckets of strength ...keep on keeping on!

S x

Hey, guys 🙂

I'm grand, thanks. Don't know why I've been away so long. I just don't feel the urge to write in here as much.

I've stayed abstinent apart from the occasional line on the l otto, which I know isn't proper abstinence, but it is working for me at this time.

I've been showered with blessings recently and life is starting to look and feel pretty good. My divorce will be through soon, I'm settled in my new place, we sold our flat for a small profit, I'm on the sick from work but enjoying volunteering at an animal rescue cuddling cats! 😀 I don't want my job anymore, been in it for 3 years, it's sh** and I'm being paid peanuts so it's just not worth it. I'm on the committee of a skills exchange in my city which I love.

I've met a new man and he is wonderful. He is very thoughtful and kind to me. It's early days, but I am enjoying and appreciating being appreciated 🙂

Life is sweet.

Hey Freda ☺

"Life is sweet", what else could one say?..absolutely amazing to read you're in such good place, you definitely deserve good in your life and it's inspiring to see how things can change if we find the right mindset within ourselves.

Keep reaping the benefits recovery offers - there is no limit in happiness ☺

Take care and keep on keeping on

S x

Oh, I'm in a very fearful place. Wow! It feels like the ground has been swept away from beneath me.

So R has moved 150 miles away. I was dependent on him. Not completely, but I was used to him being there for me if I needed him at least a couple of days a week. This helped to stop me from freaking out when I had a bad episode of anxiety or depression. Even after we split up, I knew it would never be long before I had someone there to hold my hand and make me feel safe. It feels terrifying that that is now gone. I do have people who can support me, I have stayed with my friend and his family for the past couple of nights, but I don't have that really solid nearby support that feels like family.

I've been off sick from work for the best part of 6 months and may end up losing my job. Life feels really scary at the moment.

I think that's all I want to say for now. Just putting it down on paper, well, e-paper is a start.

Hey Freda,

Sorry to hear you're feeling a little down. Not having close family member near by is scary and fearful.
I guess you still hurt a lot from R and your split up as well as having to move to different place but you need to let go and start moving forward - for yourself.
It's not easy but with the support of your close friends you can make it happen.
Take every day as a little challenge. Set yourself little goals and aknowledge them at the end of the day. You don't have to climb mountains but you need to look after yourself and be a little kinder to yourself.
World is not as scary place as we see it sometimes...there are good caring people out there...there are many who feels exactly the same as you so please be sure you're not on your own ☺

Stay safe, keep talking and take it easy!

S x

Thanks, S x x

I had been quite a long time without a significant gamble when I wrote that post, shortly after I had a binge. Nothing near what I used to do but a binge nonetheless.

I've accepted that these may come periodically. I still have my guards up as I have thousands in my current account since the sale of our flat. I have no debit/cash card for this account on purpose. I still transfer money £50 or so at a time from this account to another that I have a card for. Little safeguards you learn along the way. Very effective and keep me safe. In the past year I have probably lost a total of £70 - 100 including l o tto tickets so I'm doing great but still need to be aware I have an addiction.

I am not feeling quite as bad as last time I posted but am still worn out from the events of the past year. Having already had pre-existing anxiety and depression, it has exhausted my energies to the point where I can't cook a meal or wash up some days. I am very very run down and need time to heal. If I lose my job because of this then so be it.

Gambling makes everything worse. If you just get through tough times without returning to your addiction you eventually come out of the other side. It takes as long as it takes.

Hi Freda,

Thank you for you post. I wish i could communicate with them through skype. IT department is not something my parents too good at so no computer bk home...but...phone calls & handwritten occasional letter plus visit bk is pretty enough in our worlds ☺

Huge well done on your own journey! Sorry to hear about the slip but overall you're doing mighty well and should be proud ☺
Yes, im doing fantastically well (lol) getting bk up from my own created pool of mess...but, as dear Shiny says - slowly slowly catchy monkey.
Every day is a new opportunity in life. Why don't we have a good one and claim the peace and calm non gambling life brings 😉 ..good to share such days with you!

Keep being kind to yourself!

S x

Thanks, hopeful x x

Interesting developments in my world! Not sure how I feel about it....

I guessed that new boyfriend has a gambling problem. He admitted it when I asked him but doesn't seem keen to talk about it. Think is, it doesn't bother me at all being with a compulsive gambler as long as they are not in denial or secretive about it and are in recovery. I would be a huge hypocrite to be judgemental and want to steer well clear. I feel he is still "in action" though. Loads of warning signs worse than I ever exhibited. He has no carpets, never anything in the fridge or cupboards, has a bad relationship with money ( always trying to save money and having strange priorities with it - such as getting the tube to mine rather than drive because he 'worked out it was cheaper') it smacks of not wanting to waste good gambling money on other things. He has a decent salary from what I can gather. Enough to not have to scrimp and scrape - unless he is gambling.

I think the aspect that bothers me most is the secretiveness. It's how it affects a person emotionally. He is shifty and secretive. Having just been cheated on by my husband it's hard for me. There's also a disconnectedness in him, after all, we do it for escapeism, right? I don't think someone can be properly 'real' or 'present' with you when they're in action. I even think it is affecting him sexually. He very much likes me and enjoys my company in that way but finds it hard to, well, get there. As a female CG it didn't affect me that way but I saw something about watching too much P**n making men impotent because it monkeys with their dopamine levels making it hard to perform with a "real" woman. I know gambling has a whole dopamine thing to it too. I feel they must be similar, neurochemically.

Anyway, just putting it down into words until I can process it fully. He only admitted it last night.

I had a pretty strange day yesterday. I went for a gong bath - don't ask, it's sound healing - and I really struggled with it. I felt scared. Scared of what was inside me that it was releasing. Scared of the trauma, the fear, the anger.

On the way back I got a taxi as I still felt a bit anxious and the taxi driver started to flirt with me. It felt so nice. I know it's not love, someone fancying you, but it felt similar. It made me feel special. When someone loves me it feels like warm sunshine on my face. I feel like a relaxed cat stretching in the sunshine. It just feels lovely. It gives me energy. I took his phone number because I felt a bit drunk on it, on the attention, on feeling special, feeling wanted.

Nothing feels real anymore. Everything feels like a surreal dream. I wanted that attention to last forever. It took away my pain.

I felt like a real d ick taking someone's phone number when I've already got a boyfriend. I suppose I was processing what happened with him and him being so secretive. It made me feel scared to be attached to him. Secrets feel scary.

I'm just pouring it all out now. It feels good. I feel ashamed of my body. I feel it's not good enough and it feels scary to be having an intimate relationship where I have to show it to someone. I want the intimacy, the affection but it feels like I'm revealing something that will make me be rejected. For me, revealing my body feels a bit like taking a s***t in front of someone or something like that. Exposing something disgusting about myself.

It is really hard. I'm tired of everything being so hard and so scary. It makes me just want to hide. In my bed. Where it is comfy and safe and noone can hurt me.

I have been experiencing some really intense emotions over the past few days. I'm trying to just ride them as best as I can, it is exhausting though. I cried for hours yesterday morning.

Trying to just take things one day at a time.

Hey Freda,

Keep riding the emotions out. You can change the thought process and feel better. Maybe some meditation would help? No more tears Hun...keep holding on and be kind to you!

S x

Thanks, HS x

I have had the strangest day yet again! I was so pee'd off with new boyfriend as he messaged me this morning with a proposition involving...er....purchasing an adult item. Sure, I said. I'm game if that's what you want. I could take or leave that kind of thing but if someone wants or needs something a bit specialist in their intimate life that doesn't bother me to do, I'll do it, you know? So, he says, I want you to choose something for yourself, then send me the link. Well, like I say, I'm not that bothered but think "it's a thing of his, I'll play along, happy to help, not uncomfortable with it" so I send him a link and think that's the end of that. Twenty minutes later I get a message "so that's £16 each". w*f??!!!! This boiled my piddle! I don't invoice him for f*****g lingerie! So I reply "Just cancel the order" (no kisses so he'll know I'm peed off) He says "what's wrong?" So I say "just leave it, I'll talk to you later.

Anyway, that's all irrelevant but needed to explain the scenario. So I'm being angry, taking some time away from communicating like any sensible peed off person. It's not the biggest deal in the world but it's definitely stopped being remotely s**y now he's asked for halfies and it's a bit cheeky, petty and strange of him to ask. Over the course of the next 2 hours, I kid you not, I receive 4 what'sapp messages, 5 missed calls, 4 voicemails and a text message. The most recent voicemail informs me he is leaving work to come to see me (in the middle of the day when he's supposed to be there for another 3 hours) in the next city, to find out what's wrong.

It made me really stressed and anxious. I felt he was trying to force me into communicating by saying he was going to come through to talk to me. It also seemed a bit psycho. I explained he was starting to frighten me a bit, I was just a bit peed off and didn't want to talk to him when I was angry and said "Here's a clear boundary please don't contact me again today, have a nice afternoon and evening and I'll talk to you tomorrow." Apart from texting to say he was sorry for the misunderstanding but "I wouldn't even let him explain", he has at least left me alone for the rest of the day.

Really wary of him now. There have been a few little red flags but today freaked me out a bit. Red flags were: he yanked my hair really hard when we were in bed, like a handful near the roots, it was really painful - without testing the water more gently or asking me if it was OK. His excuse was his ex girlfriend was into it and he reverted into old habits. He admitted to me that his ex girlfriend didn't want to speak to him anymore after she started receiving threatening letters and thought it was him. He said it wasn't him but he did contact her after she had already told him to leave her alone. After I had time to process this, I was concerned because they'd been going out for four years during which they lived together and stayed friends for another 2 after they broke up - why would you think someone you knew so well would do something like that unless they'd done something threatening to you already? I'd say 6 years is long enough to know whether someone is capable of that or not. For example, I know my ex-husband is not capable of that sort of thing, if I started getting threatening letters I would never accuse him of sending them. He also made a comment about his ex-wife and how he'd tricked her secretary into putting him through to her on the telephone, after she'd already said she didn't want to speak to him. He made it sound like she just couldn't be bothered with him anymore but he was still in love with her so was desperate to speak to her. This doesn't make sense with the reason he told me they'd split up. He said he wanted to move back to australia and she wanted to stay in Britain and they'd split up over that but if he was so madly in love with her he'd trick someone into just letting him hear her voice, wouldn't he have just agreed to move away with her rather than lose her? I think you could give someone the benefit of the doubt on any one of these things but they are starting to mount up a bit...

I just hope he's not literally a psycho.