Going to keep this thread now!

Hey Freda,

It's understandable girl, you are paddling in new waters/territory, and for the record I think you have/ are doing great, you have had a lot of changes in the last year to deal with,

Listen I watched a film yesterday that had OH had put on planner(Sky) a while back, that exotic hotel one, hey not my sort of film, it's for oldies, I like thrillers with a grip in them, lol, but OH put in on yesterday afternoon, for 5 mins, jeez girl I was hooked, not because I am at that stage yet, and nor are you (it's for any age with these hang ups lol))) it's because I almost immediately knew where they were all coming from, lack of motivation anymore,lack of self esteem/ too many knocks in life, no energy to start something new etc etc, whey Freda, that film got me motivated to think even when I am 70 plus it's never to late to make a fresh start, of course OH had to download the second exotic hotel film, for me to watch immediately after ( no patience lol) and do you know what, that totally fictional funny film, gave me inspiration last night, to know that however far we have come in our lives, and no matter what S***e life brings us, there is hope (yes wait for it lol) positivity for our futures and we can start again, we can dismiss all the negativity and pain from the past, we won't forget but we can forgive ourselves and therefore others.

Just my thoughts Freda on watching these 2 films/movies that have a comedy hint, but I could relate too, ( if you have already watched them watch them again in recovery mode:))))

And hey well done on abstaining, through this difficult patch, recovery has to be your main objective now, to stay on the level, :)))

Other stuff will fall in place,gently walk the walk,

Take care of you, proud of you Freda for continuing to walk the walkxx

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne x x

I don't know my a r*e from my elbow at the minute. I am living in between 2 different flats, and I feel as a result that neither of them are my home 🙁 In fairness, I think I will make the transition much better once I have got internet at the new place - I don't have a tv, I read and use the internet instead - so it feels lonely. I also have to manage my sleep, to make sure my depression or anxiety don't get so bad I have to go off sick again. I will take a while to get used to the road noise at my new place, so at present I don't sleep well when I'm there. It's a really busy main road, and my bedroom window is about 10 or 20 feet from the road. It's REALLY loud.

I continue to settle in there, by doing more "firsts" I cooked a meal there at the weekend, so it felt more like home, then. I also finally have a wardrobe over there, so I can hang up a change of clothes. That will make a big difference. I need to start getting showers there, then I think I will be laughing. The shower is really c rap there, but I did some internet investigating, and have found some tips on you tube as to why the hot tap might be so slow running. I'm going to try taking the end off it tomorrow, to see if the washer is worn away, or it might be clogged with dirt and build up. I could do those myself, so fingers crossed it's something simple like that.

Does anyone else feel like they are living in a really surreal dream these days? I don't know if it's just the depression, but everything feels a bit weird. It has for the last few years.

Hi Freda,

Thanks for your input that I totally relate too,and yes it has made sense to me, :))))

You made me smile about the shower, because we never feel quite at home until we have had that first shower/bath lol, and look at you fixing it yourself, :))))

Understand the surreal world bit, yes it does feel strange at times lol, and yes like in a dream world, Hey Freda Maybe that is the norm, :))))) these days lol.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

I felt amazing last night. Really full of happiness and joy!

Ohhh Freda...you made me cry...but in a good way ☺ i just feel humbled by your lovely words on my diary.
Thank you so much! We don't know each other but just look at that ! We see each other inside out from the soul. ..and that's the connection you don't get every day huh ☺

Good to see you marching on and looking ahead. Changes, new environment...ohh it can be a little unsettling but as everything we getting used to our new surroundings..and you know, usually changes are for the better ☺ so keep looking ahead and embracing challenges ahead. You are doing more than great!

Be proud, stay calm, keep smiling..life is for living, no time for sabotaging ourselves anymore.

Hugs,
Keep being you

Sandra x

Hi Freda and hope your settling in to your new flat and continuing to have those moments when your full of happiness and joy!

I know what you mean about having moments where everything feels really surreal. I had one of those days yesterday and I think with me its combination of stress, tiredness and anti-depressants. Today I feel much more on a level. Everyday is different.

Regards... S.A 🙂

Day 74, I think, at a quick guestimate.

Life has been experienced at around 200 mph the past few weeks. It can be done occasionally, but slow down I must, as it cannot be sustained. I've had fleeting thoughts about putting a line on the lott o, but other than that, no real urges, for which I am grateful.

I dated a guy for a few weeks, but it was not really working out. Generally good bloke, really boring, very overweight - which I could get past if all else was great. We kissed the other night. Terrible. Poor man isn't going to get anywhere with those skills. How strange it was to be kissing someone who was not my husband. Did I mention it's been TEN YEARS!!!? Feels like a move forward though, in many ways. Acceptance of what no longer is.

Met a new guy today. He is a rare breed like me. Neither of us have a tv. We seem to have a lot in common, and I got a good "feel" from him. Well, vibe I mean, I didn't cop a feel! lol. He's cute. We'll see what happens.

Over and out, for now.

Lovely positive post Freda,

Fingers crossed for you and this new guy:))),

Suzanne xxx

Thanks, Suzanne 🙂

I've seen him again, and it was a bit awkward. It was fine, really, but I think we are both a bit unsure of ourselves, so we were erring on the cautious side - not going for physical contact and flirting. He is probably pretty perfect for me at this time, in the sense that I don't think I'm going to fall madly in love, but he seems like a good guy, and there's enough attraction there to go out and see what happens.

I don't know if I'm just really fussy, but I rarely really fancy the pants off anyone. I think at this moment in time, still being a bit wobbly, it would be daunting to date anyone who made me go weak at the knees just to look at them, ha ha.

We did have a kiss, which was very nice indeed. Nice to get a bit of the old sugar, heh heh. He is a bit aloof, but we'll see what happens.

No gambling to report! Felt depressed today, but it does take it out of me to go on dates. It takes a lot of bravery. I did a couple of constructive things, so not too bad. Some days you just gotta let yourself sit in your own filth and play candy crush all day...

Hey Freda,

Thank you for your warm post and encouragement.
Wow, just look at you and your changing life! That's great to read, you are taking it all in ur stride and embracing your life.
Really good to see you in positive mindset...even those days of candy crush cannot hold us down for long huh (i had 2 of them last weekend..laying on the couch and happily (or maybe not) letting tears flow until no tissues were available lol).
It is part of life, it is what makes human "alive" and with emotions!

I wish you well, keep making the right choice and enjoy your life to the full. Life is for living, don't waste it away - time is to precious to lose.

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra 🙂

Well, as is often the case, I've come here to grieve diary. I'm feeling really, really sad and fed up at the state of mankind.

I'm in no way ready to have a serious relationship with anyone after being rejected by my husband, but I have been looking to date recently. For a bit of male company. To feel noticed and not invisible. It makes me really sad the way men treat women. Really deeply sad. It's not just because of what it does to MY ego, it's a deeper sadness than that, you know? It's like we have gotten to a state where men actually forget that we are humans, you know? I do think P**n has a massive role to play in this. It's given men the mistaken impression that we are passive robots who will instantly become feral at the mere sight of their mighty sword. That they are irrestistible just by "being". That we do not have: feelings, needs, emotions or fears of our own. We are an adornment these days, in the most literal sense of the word. Something you attach to your body when you feel like it, because it looks good.

I really don't find anything attractive at all about this version of modern man. It's so ugly. Grotesque.

The thing that makes me saddest though, is how we've (women) been manipulated with fear to put up with this sh*$. We are bombarded with messages about our lack of worth, that we aren't good enough, that we need to compete to even get a fairly c r ap man, that we need to do back flips and somersaults to keep a man, and if we don't manage, that it says something about us and how we are inadequate.

I've had the unfortunate experience of dating a few of these men recently. The shame is, I have self-esteem, and I'm not putting up with it anymore. However, these men will easily find some insecure, needy woman who doesn't know her own worth, to fawn all over them. Even though the y don't deserve it! We are breeding women like that. Raising them to believe that. It's the biggest swindle in the world.

To use an analogy, imagine if women put that much energy into finding something that unfulfilling in another area of life. We just wouldn't! We would never degrade ourselves like that to keep a job frying chips in McDonalds, for example. I think most of us would rather be on the dole! But when some arrogant, self-absorbed, selfish, insincere, f-wit of a man bumbles along and shows us a bit of attention we lap it up. Even though he doesn't give a s**t about us, quite possibly doesn't even see us as human, and is just reading the necessary lines from a mental script to try and get laid.

It's getting to the point where as a woman, I'm expected to bring so much to the table, whilst the P***s owner brings nothing, that I literally can't see the point anymore. Men are making themselves obsolete with their own sh**ness. Obviously some men are different to this, but it takes so much time and energy trying to find one, that I can't see it being even close to as fulfilling as mas turbation!!!!! At least you are pretty much guaranteed there is something in it for you. I would really love to experience a man doing anything other than take.

It hurts my spirit. Do you know what I mean? It's not the man himself, he's just some f-wit in trousers, it's the attitude toward me as a womanthat hurts me. The inability to see any value or worth in me as a human. I know it's not personal. He will do this to most women he meets - because he can. I don't want to let anyone's behaviour tell me I'm worthless. I feel like I've had enough for several lifetimes. I'm not going to let gambling numb this, though.

Hi Freda,

Started reading this post with concern...by the end of it i was in stiches laughing my head off !( sorry..but hell girl you have some great skill with wordings :-D)

Listen, not every man is the same. We just seem to come across to kno*****s time to time. There are very vulnerable, caring and honest souls out there...and ...we are all destined to cross paths one day ☺

Chin up girl, keep your sanity and resolve! Most importantly - respect to yourself because you're worth way more than being stamped down with heavy foot of "hunters"

Well done for not giving in the urges, it is too easy to go and numb ur frustrations..keep fighting - you're doing it!

S x

HI Freda,
It has been a long time but I am just popping by to give you a supportive high five. I have been away from the forum for a year and ended up moving abroad. Back now ready to fight the good fight.
I have been catching up with you diary, what a year you have had. You have had your ups and downs but by golly you are a survivor , always fighting never giving up you are stronger than you think.
I completely relate to many of your posts. I purposefully lost contact with some 'friends' as I realised i was a dumping ground for their emotional waste. Never attempting to listen they would offload, listen to my advice and leave with a skip in their step believing it has been a chance for us both to unwind.
Good luck with your new place Freda, you are in charge now, sometimes that can be scary and liberating! Glad to hear you are abstaining from gambling, take care.
Paulds

Hey Freda,

Was thinking of you recently...& the way i am, i needed to ping ya a line ☺
How are things with yourself? Settled down in ur new place?

Hope all is great and sending ya warm wishes..." the people who affects ya in one way or the other, stays in persons life for good" - & that is my own qoute from my heart. Thank you for all your support - you have made huge difference in my recovery + understanding myself.

Sandra x

Thanks so much for your messages guys. I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately, and started closing up, as depression makes you do.

I know I'm still young (36) and fairly healthy, so I don't really have to worry about this too much, but I have been feeling really scared and it's feels dangerous to let my full feelings come up. My blood pressure gets really high, which I'm sure it does for everyone, but I get scared when I'm on my own.

Had a bit of a breakdown on Tuesday. Had to go and stay with my Dad, who totally can't cope with emotion, but I was frightened to be alone. I felt so low. I'd gone to this medical centre, as I was due to see my counsellor. I was feeling really low that day, and wouldn't have gone out unless it was for some support. Usually, I really hate to cry in public places, it makes me feel so self-conscious, but I was crying all the way there. Just walking along and sobbing. After I'd been there for 20 minutes, it became clear that the counsellor wasn't there. She had cancelled the appointment, but no-one had got in touch. I was left in this strange place, alone, feeling really overwhelmed. The receptionist came to sit with me for a couple of minutes to give me a hug because I was shaking and crying so much. I managed to get home in a taxi, but was very panicky. I ended up calling my parents individually, and my dad came through to take me to his on the evening.

R stayed over with me last night because I felt so scared to be by myself, and I'm spending the day at our old place while he works from home today. I'm having a good cry as I write this. My diary has always been a great listener.

I know I'm just going through a bad patch, and have asked a few friends to call round today to sit with me for a bit. I find that really hard to do, ask for help, but I really need all the support I can get right now.

I'm pretty much abstaining from gambling, still. I did spend a few pounds last week, but literally just a few, less than a fiver, and apart from that, I have been totally abstinent for months.

I'm staying on the sick now until I feel a lot better. I was trying to hang in there and keep my job, as it is good for me to have somewhere to go, and have a routine, even if the job itself is tiring and boring. It has gotten to the point now, where I need to put my health first, and that will take as long as it takes. If I do lose my job, so be it.

I think it has helped a bit to get these thoughts outside of my head.