Going to keep this thread now!

Thank you 🙂

A lot of men don't seem to have the body insecurity that women have. I think it is becoming much more of a problem for men, though. On a lot of dating websites I've seen men topless and flexing their muscles in their profile picture. It's really sad if any of those men feel they have to look that way to get a girlfriend. I think most women couldn't give a toss about six packs.

I felt really happy yesterday and got loads done. Got plenty of exercise and felt very calm. Today I'm struggling to get my b*m into gear. I'm still in bed although I've been up since 9am. I'm just lazing around. I'm getting up now to get dressed and go and visit the cats at the animal rescue!

I am still struggling at times with my mood and emotions. I seem to be very gradually gaining confidence in social situations.

I have agreed with my employer to reduce my permanent contract to one day per week. Even this is daunting. I am missing having a partner to cuddle me and reassure me that I will be fine and that I can do it. It really helped in the past. I think I may find it hard to adjust to being back to work at first but I think I can do it.

I only have two days at work before being off for 2 weeks, so that is great and makes it a little more manageable. I still feel nervous about getting my tattoo on Wednesday. I am going to face this nervousness, though. I have promised myself that as long as I try - ie let her start tattooing me, I can ask her to stop at any time and get the work finished at a later date. I need to be facing things I am anxious about without pushing myself too far.

I've had no gambling apart from a quid on the l o tto. For me, this seems to work but I am aware I need to keep a careful watch on myself for any urges arising. If that happens, I will stop the one line as it is not worth it.

Feeling better about the return to work now it has sunk in and the initial nervous feelings died down. I've had a few really good days and got some exercise today to try and address my declining fitness levels!

I've had a really positive week although I am feeling it now! I'm very lethargic today and achey.

I'm back to work tomorrow and have a Bowen treatment beforehand. I'm hoping it will help my sore back!

I'm going to push myself to get out and have a walk around the park. I need to get my dose of daylight and do some activity, even though I'm feeling tired.

I will be on my guard for gambling urges, as I'm feeling a bit sad and lonely. This is when they have a tendency to strike! I'm not where I would like to be but I'm making great progress.

Want to talk about some stuff that was bothering me, last night then do a gratitude list.

I got to feeling very frustrated because since my ex-husband moved away I have been very isolated and in need of a bit of help and support. A couple of people I have opened up to have said they want to see more of me and encouraged me to be their friend and then every time I suggest something they are busy and have never come back to me with another suggestion. It really frustrates me when people don't mean what they say! It just confuses the other person and puts them in a vulnerable position for no reason.

Don't get me wrong, people go through busy patches in life, of course they do, but as I say, when you've made several suggestions, then told them to give you a shout when they are free but several months have passed by - why did they encourage you if they didn't have time for you in the first place??!! It really annoys me.

Anyway, this afternoon I return to work. Bit nervous but feeling fairly alright about it.

Today I am grateful for:

1) Hydracortisone cream. I've had an allergic rash for over a week. Not sure what the cause has been but the rash has been so sore and itchy. This cream has made it so much better! It's great to feel better 🙂

2) I am grateful that my employer has been very flexible with me to enable me to keep my job.

3) I'm grateful for the company of friends last night to play a game and have a chat.

4) I'm grateful my confidence in social situations has improved.

5) I'm grateful I'm now able to get into town and travel on buses. Basically to be more independent.

6) I'm grateful I was able to get my tattoo with very little anxiety as a result. I love it!

7) I'm grateful for my first coffee of the day and having the time to drink it in bed and relax before I start my day.

8) I'm grateful for this diary. It is a great outlet for my emotion.

9) I'm grateful for the lovely bath I enjoyed last night.

10) I'm grateful for the money to pay to enhance my well-being with treatments like the one I'm about to have today.

Oh, man! I typed a longish entry then my connection dropped and I lost it!

I had a good cry last night about feeling lonely and it being worse at this time of year. I'm doing great and just need to be patient. Sometimes it is hard.

Gratitude list:

1) I'm grateful I had a safe place to sleep last night.

2) I'm grateful for the sunshine streaming in through my window this morning.

3) I'm grateful to have kept my job for 5 hours a week. It will be good for me but is also enough to remind me that it is not the right workplace for me anymore and I am doing the right thing cutting down my hours.

4) I'm grateful I had the energy to restock bookshelves for 5 hours. It was a pleasant surprise that I didn't struggle.

5) I'm grateful there is a launderette just up the road as the washing machine is on the blink.

6) I'm grateful to be seeing my ex husband later today and to get to be cuddled and loved for a bit. He is my family.

7) I'm grateful to have enough money to live on, at present.

8) I'm grateful I had the motivation to tidy up last night. I feel better for it.

9) I'm grateful I have managed to motivate myself to get more exercise lately. It is doing me good.

10) I'm grateful I have a bathtub so I can have a bath any time I like.

Hi Freda,

After a horrid time at work recently I have had a read of your recent post and just wanted to say thank you.

Sometimes i lose focus of what is important and your post has caused me to pause and think about things i should be grateful for. For that i give immense gratitude.

Best wishes

Merry Christmas dear Freda,

Hope you have found the day peaceful and enjoyable.

Thank you so so much for you unconditional support throughout the year...means more than you think ☺

Blessings - love

S x

Thanks, you two. Lovely entries to read. Thanks for sharing your thoughts 🙂

Having quite a bad depression day, today. Thankfully, these are gradually getting rarer. I think I get 2 or 3 really bad days a month which is much more manageable. Today really hurts. It passes through my heart and makes it ache. Went out to play chess for a couple of hours and couldn't really concentrate. Felt I needed to cry and being out and about and trying to function instead of cry, was making me shaky. Ugh! Back home where I can just let it out.

Lots of little things making life harder at the moment. Had my housing and council tax benefit stopped a couple of weeks before Christmas and have been asked to provide loads of paperwork AGAIN to get it reinstated. They have become much worse for this - regularly wanting all your statements and although I understand they are trying to make it harder for people to cheat the system, it's counterproductive to people who are trying really hard to get better with limited energies. With something like depression, you want to spend your good days seeing people or enjoying a walk in the park or cooking some food or something but when you have to spend it trying to figure out how to attach bank statements to emails, it is draining and demoralising.

I just want to scream with frustration and say LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!! I NEED TO FEEL SAFE FOR A WHILE!!!!!

I wish I had someone to just hold me and give me some love. I know I will get through this and can be strong but today I just don't want to. I don't want to feel like this and I don't want to have this stuff to deal with. This is how I feel today. This is my truth.

I have fostered a couple of cats over Christmas and new year and it has been lovely to have them around. They are very chilled out and cuddly, it's nice to have their company on the sofa of an evening. I've managed to socialise a bit more recently, which is helping me feel more connected. Generally, things are on the up. I just still have days like this where I feel I can't cope with anything.

It's good to have my diary to cathart onto. Get it all out. Things that are getting me down a bit are that the house I live in has no washing machine except one really old one that keeps breaking down. It is shared between 4 flats which is ridiculous. There is a launderette up the road but they don't always clean the machines out properly so sometimes they smell dirty and it's not nice to use them. Getting laundry done is a constant battle when it used to just be easy. It's an extra thing I'd rather not be dealing with. How luxurious it will feel to find a flat that has a washing machine! I wouldn't have taken this place had I noticed it wasn't plumbed for a washer. Most places are, these days. When I'm down, it's really helpful for me to be able to do simple things like get a load of washing done. It helps me feel on top of things. Anyway, there doesn't seem to be anywhere for rent at the moment that is reasonably priced without being a dump. So I just feel kind of trapped. That is not helping matters at all!

Frustration is a common emotion at the moment.

I saw my ex boyfriend on Xmas eve. I had deleted his number and cut ties with him but he got back in touch with me. I just wanted some affection, really, or never would have agreed to it. We ended up having s*x, which was nice. I decided it was not good for me to be in touch with him, though, so asked him not to stay in contact. He said he understood but who knows, he may be back in contact again. He showers me with compliments and so forth and it feels nice but then his behaviour doesn't match what he is saying. I felt he was just telling me what I wanted to hear and find it hard to believe anything he says at all.

As anyone who has read my diary before will know, I put anything I want down on here, as I feel it is a place I can be completely honest. I saw something last night that really upset me. I try not to watch P**n much because I know that a lot of the actors suffer emotionally afterwards and it feels a bit like watching someone being abused. Particularly for the women. They are so clearly acting and not having as good a time as they make out! Anyway, I stay away from anything that sounds like it might be aggressive or stop it if I don't like the way the woman looks, emotionally. Sometimes they look scared or in pain. Anyway, I watched one clip and thought the woman seemed genuinely OK. Towards the end, though, the shot showed that the male actor had actually caused her to bleed quite a bit and it really upset me. I felt shaken up by it. I felt like I'd just watched someone being abused and caused pain but didn't realise until the end. The poor woman must have been in an awful lot of pain. I don't really know why I'm talking about it other than that it made me feel a bit sick and freaked out. It was a disturbing thing to witness.

Well, I've gotten a bit of my angst and emotion out and my foster cats are being dropped back off after their trip to the vet in a few minutes, so I'll go for now.

I want to do a gratitude list later on as I find it very helpful. Thanks for listening, if you've been reading this.

Hey Freda,

Thank you for your honesty and shares ☺

It's good to get stuff and emotions down these pages huh...& as you said yourself - it's good to FEEL!

Yes, HP's helps me for now as i think December was the far worst month this year (or was it November)..Anyway, i can relate to a lot you are feeling! Depression is not something i would wish on anyone, but we both know there are ways of balancing it out...simple things as seeing a friend or doing something nice...it doesn't need a lot huh

I also understand loneliness. Just recently started talking to one guy. He seemed genuine and all i wanted to get through to him is my soul & personality. I am not the one for s*x...i hate it tbh. (May be traits of tbe past). However, he sees that in me more & more and red flags waving over here. I understand the needs of humans but cannot help it & feel dissapointed. ..s*x - money - power....bahhhhh...where has true honest feelings has gone huh?...or am i missing the importance in life? What's the value of relationships?

As of P**n...i guess it's similar to cat walks and "supermodels"...smile from the outside & suffer physically & emotionally from deep within.

My rant is over ☺

Hope tommorow is better day than today & you can at least fo the washing...helps with positive emotions 😉

Look after yourself

S x

Started writing a reply and lost it! grrrr!

Bad depression day went into full meltdown. I thought my emotions were going to kill me. Like, literally kill my body with their intensity. It was scary! I guess I have these really intense episodes roughly every two months. Last one was 6 weeks ago during the supermoon full moon. I think they are gradually becoming less intense. Letting go of a lot of intense emotion, I guess. Wish I could turn the dial down on it slightly. Have a virus or something. Body aches and migraine and was vomiting the other night.

OK, gratitude!

1) I'm grateful for painkillers today. Oh, boy, am I grateful!

2) I'm grateful for my kitty companions.

3) I'm grateful for social invitations I have for tonight. May not make it to any of them if not feeling better, but good to have them.

4) I'm grateful for the social experiences I've had lately that I have enjoyed.

5) I'm grateful that my friends checked in on me last night. It was kind.

6) I'm grateful I mustered up the strength to clean the vomit in my sink and bleach it. It was not good that it was there!

7) I'm grateful I managed to eat some rice this afternoon. It has reduced the shaky feeling.

8) I'm grateful I didn't vomit up my depression medication as it is good to keep that stuff on an even keel when not feeling my best.

9) I'm grateful I made it through a bad episode of depression the other night.

10) I'm grateful I feel up to looking at a computer screen again. It is so boring being sick and it hurting to open your eyes!

I've had a good day, today. Went to Alnwick with some friends and it was a nice change and enjoyed the company. Depression has lurked in the background all day but didn't spoil my day or stop me from doing anything, which is great.

I feel quite anxious and apprehensive about social things, at the moment. I want to get to know more people but I feel anxious about it. I'm fine once I know people a bit but getting to know them is hard. I think it's because I feel quite fragile at the moment and I don't want to be vulnerable around people I don't know. I don't want to cry or have to leave because I'm feeling anxious. I also find it hard to talk about myself because that feels vulnerable at the moment. My self-confidence is very low. I feel insecure and in need of support and reassurance. It's this weird feeling of worrying that I am annoying people or that they don't like me much. I want affection and attention. Not an excessive amount, just some love and sort of focus on me - it's really hard to put into words. Like someone being really interested in me and how I am and being clearly interested in that. So if they say how are you? and I say I'm not too bad, although I feel a bit insecure at the moment, someone asking me to elaborate and encourage me to talk about myself. I suppose some 'care' for want of a better word. I also want some people to seek out my company more. So I feel wanted.

My ex-husband is ringing later and he is good at that, so I might feel better after talking to him.

I've had a bit of a cry writing this, which is kind of what I wanted. I didn't really feel like I needed to write about it but I wanted to draw my emotion out because I felt sad and vulnerable like I needed to cry. I don't like to carry that feeling around with me in my body because it feels like a queasy sensation, a nervousness and a heaviness, as well as making me tense up a bit. I also find it hard to concentrate on anything else. It makes me preoccupied. Crying seems to clear it out and make me feel better. It's weird how the tears won't come if I just sit there, even if I focus on the sensations in my body. I have to kind of put it into words to release it, sometimes.

Just had a lovely long talk on the phone with my ex-hubby, my best mate. Love him and can talk to him about anything.

Just feeling angry and agitated this afternoon. I have been into the very busy, noisy, city centre to visit the bank and the council this morning. Standing in queues for ages while feeling agitated and anxious.

This was to try and sort out my housing benefit claim as it got stopped for no reason just before Christmas. I'm so angry that someone has just stopped it in error and it has caused me this extra worry, stress and energy to sort it out. Good job I have savings because I'll probably end up paying 2 months worth of rent out of them until it gets sorted out. No wonder a lot of landlords say "no DSS" because they can make people unable to pay their rent for 2 months through no fault of their own. It is hard enough to get better from depression and anxiety without worrying how you are going to pay your rent and having to spend loads of time and energy proving that you still qualify for it.

I feel sorry for myself. There is no-one to give me a cuddle and comfort me when I'm feeling upset. I wish there was.

Hi Freda..I don't think we've really crossed paths on here. ..but just thought id send you a cyber hug seeing as you've had a bad morning....hope it's all sorted soon

Hope you're feeling better today Freda...new day is here, only need to learn to see glass half full instead of half empty ☺

Take it easy on yourself and keep breathing

Hugs Hun ((((((((f))))))))

S x