Going to keep this thread now!

Feel a bit better after an evening with a couple of friends. Got home to realise I forgot to take my medication this morning so that felt frustrating - I am in better spirits but the missed dose might make me feel a bit weird over the next few days :-/ It doesn't always, so fingers crossed!

-

Bit weird, lol.

I was very shaky and still a bit low. I just want to have people love me and show me it is important that I am OK. I want to be shown that I matter to more people. I give so much love and it's always given without expectation of anything returned but I yearn for more back, I really do.

I am worth loving. I matter.

Enjoyed a simple act of kindness today. Got given a free muffin in the cafe. I went to buy some soup, having not had much of an appetite and the guy stuck a free muffin in. Just felt like a bit of salve on a wound.

Really feel like writing tonight.

I'm feeling a lot and want to express it.

One of my friends shared something on social media today. Tips for panic attacks. Someone commented saying, nah, not sure about that. I was told to do this (different tip) Why on earth would someone comment just to say, effectively "that's c r ap"? Like, if they were saying something divisive, racist, morally wrong - fair enough but why P iss on someone's chips just for the sake of it? It annoys me when people do that. Just invite themselves into your day just to pour pish on it. A few people had already responded saying wow, thanks. I'm going to try this. Sounds like a good idea. This woman just came along and went "no! won't work"

Well, when we're being all "adult" and restrained, we all tut to ourselves and say nothing. I do this very often Do you know what, though? Sometimes I don't want to take the higher road. Sometimes I want to say exactly how I feel and what I think of it. When I do, I 100% accept myself - because I don't require perfection of myself. I knew what I was doing and I did it anyway. And I wasn't sorry! I said something along the lines of "I don't understand why people take it upon themselves to say no, that's rubbish, instead of just minding their own business. If you've got nothing nice to say, it's best to just shut up. No one likes their chips to be P i ssed on" Yeah, wasn't that mature but I wanted to, so I did. I'd do it again, as well 🙂 haha. I accept myself even when I am a bit bit chy and confrontational because all of me is OK. I don't need to pretend or apologise. I don't have to be perfect.

Self acceptance is king. I have been seeing my ex occasionally for s*x and attention. I don't want it to end because I like the attention. I like being told I'm beautiful, I like compliments, I like feeling special. He looked lately like he was starting to get emotionally attached to me and I was torn between "doing the right thing" and getting what I want. Just because he hurt me and that's why we split up, doesn't mean I want to hurt him. I've effectively been using him. I still love and accept myself but I have been. I feel invisible without a partner. My parents have always been a bit apathetic towards me and it has left a hole. A yearning to feel visible, to feel like I matter, feel like I'm good enough. He has always been available to me. He has always shown concern for my wellbeing, that I matter, that it matters that I'm OK. When you get something you've longed for, it's like a drug. He's a rescuer. I never feel I have to face anything alone while he's in my life. I can always call on him to care and help. I don't really know how to address this addiction/attachment to care and concern from people. I feel like being aware of it is a good start. He's really unsuitable for me, I have no desire whatsoever to get back together with him. I don't even enjoy his company much, in general. However, I am attached to the attention. It feels like a drink of water to a dehydrated person. It's soothing. Nice. It feels good to be "looked after" sometimes. I can look after myself, in general, but sometimes it's nice to lean on someone and not have to be strong. We had a conversation tonight about how we should probably stop seeing each other. It felt like the right thing for me in many ways but also like my safety blanket was being taken away.

I felt a bit sad, tonight. I accept that my husband has moved on but it feels wrong at the same time. Unfair, or something. I want him to be happy but everytime there is another sign of him moving on, it feels sad. His girlfriend met his Dad yesterday. I never really liked his Dad, so can't say I'm exactly jealous but it's hard to get my head around. I can get my head around not being with him anymore but someone else getting the status I used to have, feels sad. It feels unfair. I guess it is unfair on some levels but fairness is never a guarantee in life. In my head, I have this deluded thought that I am still most important to him. Not her. It's probably no longer true. He's my family. I don't like losing him.

It is because no-one has replaced him yet. I had my family taken away from me and am left alone, now. I don't want to be without family. (I technically have blood family but they are not there for me like a normal family)

These are all my thoughts. Good, bad and ugly.

Morning Freda!

Lovely rant & keep them coming hun ☺..your diary - your thoughts - your rules 😉

Thank you for the post. Been pondering about it for most of the night.
Yep, the " big elephant" in the room huh. I wasn't allowed certain emotions or maybe cause i was wimpy kid, my parents didn't really see what I'm trying to put accross or oversee my needs/ distress. On the other hand, some subjects are being layered over for our own benefit i think..who wants a adult talk with a child?...
I lived double life.
Life with Mummy & life with family. It was like day and night to be honest...
Yet, no regrets...love them both to bits and now i have more understanding i guess i could justify a thing or two or see the reasons behind them from the past.

Anyhoo...you sound calmer and at peace (rant aside :-)))))))))) )
Way to go girl! Probably change was needed & sounds like new surroundings are doing you good!

Yep..i am what i am..i always used to say "love me or hate me" but i guess with time even i see that balance can be found here lol....
Acceptance is the key!

Hugs & have a good day hun

S x

Thanks, S x x

Have had a canny enough day. Went to the rescue and was delighted to see that a very scared cat that I gave some Reiki to was confident and happy, now 🙂 He was running about and coming over to say hello. Totally different boy. Admire the resilience of spirit that animals have.

I still feel a bit like someone walking around a ghost town. I'm not close to my family, so when not in a close friendship or relationship, I feel a bit invisible. Like I don't exist. Like I'm just adrift with nothing anchoring me.

Anyway, enough of that melancholy. It comes and goes...

1) I'm grateful that the scared cat is happy now. It made me feel joyful.

2) I'm grateful there aren't many animals in the rescue at the moment. They all deserve a loving home.

3) I'm grateful I managed to get the tube for free today, without getting caught, hee hee.

4) I'm grateful I managed to sort through some clothes and take a bagful to the charity shop - less to pack.

5) I'm grateful I was able to do simple things for myself without anxiety holding me back - picked up some bits and pieces for new flat, bog brush, batteries for smoke alarms etc.

6) I'm grateful I got a letter saying I will get an extra 65p a week from April in my disability money. Better than nowt.

7) I'm grateful for music. Listening to some golden oldies and having a sing tonight made me feel alive!

8) I'm grateful for the chinese takeaway I had for my tea. Nice naughty grub for a treat!

9) I'm grateful for a hot shower and clean clothes.

10) I'm grateful for just feeling OK today and not feeling too ugly (sometimes it's crippling)

Hi Freda,

I've said it before but, whatever.. I really enjoy and appreciate your gratitude diary. Thanks for sharing it! ( I got a lift reading about that little cat!)

😀

Hi Freda, hope your well, I've been feeling very low recently due to a number of things but have to say your posts always make me smile. I get the anxiety, depression and panic attacks. Last Monday my day had a panic attack, which I had to deal with, 2mg of diazepam sorted it but it's awful to watch and listen to, he gets very scared. People don't understand if they have never had one themselves. Anyway it seems like your getting ready for your move and sorting loads of stuff out you should be proud. X

Hi Freda,

Ohhh..was reading your last entry and laughing to myself! You sneeky fox with that free tube journey huh 😀
I remember getting such "lifts" back home on the bus. The ones without ticket used to be called rabbits lol...that means, if conductor steps in on one of the stops...you quickly jump out and run for your life...till next bus stop lol...oh dear...I've been naughty kid for sure!

I like your gratitude lists..absolutely love them! I was having a little run today...guess what, - i was smiling ear to ear...the woods, freedom, fresh air...beautiful scenery in horizon...i loved it...a feeling I'm so greatful for...god...i am soooo happy!!!! ☺

Just wanted to share this...i guess my yo yo is on the up now so best let the world know that I'm happy before go down that string again lol.

Hugs, love, peace....

Look after yourself

S x

Thank you beautiful souls for sharing those thoughts, experiences, feelings with me x x

I can't quite believe the reaction my gratitude lists get! haha! How magical! I love doing them, myself but life has taken the reigns and had me galloping around at break-neck speed recently.

Things are slowing down somewhat. What crazy, surreal times lately!

Well, I moved. Yes. My possessions all went from being there to being here. Sounds so simple, huh? Removals men were 2 and a half hours late. This caused massive stress for me and made the day very draining. It wasn't the case that I knew I'd have a 2hours + wait and therefore could relax or get on with something else. No, I waited for over 2 hours. The strangest thing happening related to the move came on Saturday. I'd been feeling stressed, uptight, angry and irritable all week. Sometimes I feel this brewing and know that I may completely lose my sheet over something relatively minor. It's like being a grenade with the pin pulled out.

Who is the worst possible person you could have a furious shouting argument with right after you move house? Oh, yes! I had a blazing row with the new upstairs neighbour. We really went at it! I am often left with a real feeling of shame after losing my temper with someone. It is very uncomfortable.

What happened? Well, the neighbour was talking to my mother about how the back door to the house does not stay closed and doesn't lock. He said how he imagined that would make me feel, living alone and being the flat right next to the back door. Basically, if one of the flats is going to get broken into from the back, it will be mine. He expressed how that is not nice for me.

Fast forward a few days. Lock has been fixed and everyone now has a key. This guy, bizarrely, insists on leaving the door wide open everytime he leaves. Not only does he not lock it, he doesn't even close it. This is happening around six times a day. It is also blowing winds of 40mph under my door some days, making my flat bitterly cold. I keep closing and locking it but he is not getting the message. I find this really strange since he showed sympathy for me when it was not lockable. So, he knows it creates a problem and vulnerability to my security, yet he does it anyway?! I think this is what made me so angry. Saturday comes and I watch him leave and leave the door wide open and something in me just snaps. I am furious that he is being so lazy and selfish. How hard is it to close a door?! I left an angry note on the back door which he found when he returned. My exaggerated state of anger made me write something pretty strange which I cringe at now. I went really over the top and had written that I'd filmed him leaving the door wide open and was going to show the agency if it happened again. That must have made me sound pretty unhinged, to be fair. I also pointed out in the note that he wouldn't like it if I constantly kept leaving the roller shutter up in the back yard and his car got damaged or stolen as a result. This was simply pointing out an example of a bad thing that could happen to him if I was also inconsiderate. He came pounding his fists on my door saying I'd threatened to wreck his car! that it was obviously a veiled threat that I would damage his car if he wasn't careful. He was furious and called me a freak and 'not normal' among other things. It was very aggressive and intimidating and I reacted by shouting back at him. The adrenaline got pumping when he shouted at me and this was my instinctive response. I've never known anything like it! I just lost my sheet!

Next day I apologised for being 'over the top' with my note. He has not apologised for his part but whatever. I don't really care. It just felt such a disaster to be at war so quickly! I felt sad that those first impressions could not be reversed. That it probably closed the door on the possibilities of having a friendly happy relationship with them.

So surreal to get so angry and express it so freely, too. Obviously, I would usually show restraint and bite my tongue.

It feels like this is all part of having to clear repressed anger I have inside of me. I can't hold onto it anymore. I felt distressed at the way it released, though. With someone it is in my interests to get along with 🙁

Anyway, apart from this horrible situation the move went very well and I'm really encouraged by how well I dealt with it all, stress-wise. The anxiety has not been triggered too badly.

Everything is still upside down and I don't understand where so much stuff came from. I seem to have nowhere to put all this c rap! I'm taking my time with this, though. It will sort itself out bit by bit.

Gratitude list coming very soon. Just getting this all out first.

Hi Freda.... I think your gratitude lists are a good idea. I aim to start doing similar. I also aim to get back to posting to others. Since I returned to my gambling ways the best part of a year ago ive seldom written to others. Its time for that to change.

I read your last post with interest. I stuff my anger inside. I have never been able to scream and shout and let it all out. I don't think id be able to do it. I lose my ability to speak. I just go red and pace about alot and blurt out stuff thats not very coherent.

Like you say... neighbours do strange and/or unthoughtful things at times. leaving doors open and slamming doors is quite a common one. One of my neighbours slams his door when angry. It gets me feeling angry but I chose to ignore and he usually stops pretty quick. The worst I ever had was neighbours who had regular parties in the week... they'd all spill out into the stair well in the middle of the night... drink and drugs. Even then I couldnt scream and shout... just went down in my dressing gown, walked in their flat and switched the music off lol... nobody batted an eyelid they were so off there faces. Thankfully they moved out soon enuff.

anyway keep getting those thoughts out the best you can, as i try to do the same.

Regards

S.A

Thanks, SA. I guess it's good to be able to express anger sometimes, although often it does more damage than it is worth. Depends on the situation. I would never be mates with the people upstairs as they are just kids, so I've only lost the extra neighbourly friendliness which is useful but, meh. They are hopefully moving out in a few months.

Today I am grateful for:

1) Having such a full and busy day yesterday with very little anxiety.

2) Walkies in the park with my friend and her dogs.

3) Cuddles from my cat when I woke up.

4) The warm sunshine coming through the window.

5) The visit from friends last night and my well received cupcakes with candles for someone's birthday.

6) A peaceful nights sleep.

7) My vivid dreams. I mostly forget them when I wake but they have been really enjoyable lately. Kind of like enjoying a really good tv programme.

8) My washing machine. I love it so much!

9) Waking up to quite a clean and tidy kitchen, thanks to the dishwasher.

10) Being part of a new women's circle this week. We will meet every month and hear each other. I really enjoyed the first one.

I've been feeling very angry and depressed the last couple of days. I simply wish I had someone to look after me. Cuddle me, love me. I Skyped last night with my ex-husband and it made me really miss him. It isn't surprising since I always really miss him when I'm feeling down or scared. I have for days felt all the symptoms of an episode of depression coming: feeling very shy, wanting to hide, feeling physically achy and tense. I promised my friend I would go and view a house soon. I'm sitting having a cry and it's the last thing I want to do. I will try to dry up my tears and get going soon. It's really cold and windy which is making me feel worse.

I just feel sh it! I hate feeling like this.

I'm so angry! The neighbours are still leaving the back door wide open and I am getting really angry because I have no control over it. This is a huge trigger for me. I have felt powerless for so much of my life and it sends me into meltdown! I can't be rational because it causes such an overreaction and then it either makes things worse or people think I am the problem.

It's like being bullied. I am so upset! I'm so tired of feeling scared all the time.

I spoke really softly and patiently to the girl upstairs this afternoon and she was still full of anger and attitude. Was really angry afterward. It's bullying really. You have to respect me but I don't have to respect you. Kids, I suppose. Wouldn't have moved in here if I'd known it was uni students.

Just want a break from s**t!!!!!!! This was supposed to be fresh new start. Possibly more important than ever to do gratitude list:

1) I am grateful for the sympathy and compassion of friends, today.

2) I'm grateful for feeling better than I did earlier.

3) I am grateful that the neighbours are quiet and don't wake me up at night.

4) I am grateful that they brought the bins in for me the other day.

5) I'm grateful that my blood pressure is healthy and has only been slightly high at times today.

6) I'm grateful that my cat is healthy and loves me.

7) I'm grateful I am safe here on a basic level.

8) I'm grateful I managed to go to my friends house today to help put some old wood through the chipper. He was really snappy which wasn't great but it took my mind off it for a while.

9) I am grateful that I haven't needed to take valium today. I am being resilient considering the stress I am under.

10) At least I have a decent lock on my flat door and there is a roller shutter protecting the back yard.