Going to keep this thread now!

Hi Freda . Life can feel harsh and lonely , we are after all sociable animals and can easily feel alienated and abandoned . Its wonderful that you can be so honest about your feelings . People who are bottling up their negative emotions will be inspired by your openness .

We are all different in nature and personality , our outlook on life is unique and ever changing . A woman cannot step into the same stream twice because she's not the same woman and it's not the same stream . Todays freda might be very similar to tomorrows freda but not the same .

life is kind to me . I enjoy peoples company but I also love solitude . When I am feeling sadness or upset I ask my angels for help and guidance , if my motives are pure i'm sure they will be their for me . Doesn't mean they will fix everything just the way I would like it . What I want is not necessarily what I need .

It's good that you practice Healing on people , your help in bringing warmth and comfort to their life is wonderful . Maybe people who are not being very nice do so because something is lacking in their life ! Maybe they need healing also .

Take care freda ......stephen x

Ah, thanks, Abstainer 🙂

Well, my new client was absolutely thrilled and said it was the most relaxed she had ever felt. I was glad it went well for me, but also for her. That's a pretty awesome use of an hour on planet earth, I'd say. I'm so glad the recent depressed feelings didn't get in the way.

freda wrote:

Thanks x x

I feel really lonely tonight. Really, really lonely. I very nearly contacted my ex tonight. Just desperately wanting to connect with someone. It feels painful. I am physicaly tired tonight, though. I kind of thought if I started writing about how I feel, it would make me face the emotion and sit with it, feeling it. I've distracted myself then it sort of won't come back.

I crave connection and intimacy. I want to be cuddled. I want to watch a movie cuddled up with someone.For now, I've just got the cat. She is very sweet, though. Bless her!

Why are you so lonely? there are plenty fish in the sea... I hope you find one soon!

Hiya,

Simply put - I'm scared. I've been hurt. I need to be very careful with who I let into my life.

Feeling like I'm in a place of limbo atm. I'm calming down and feeling less anxious but still unsure whether I need more time before moving ahead again.

I feel like I do need a little more time but am also struggling with the long week stretching out in front of me and no real plans.

It's a reality of having long-term depression and anxiety that is hard to navigate perfectly. Guess I'll just do my best.

I used to complain on my diary a lot about being really isolated and unable to get out of the house a lot. I'm able to do that now which is great! I must not forget to be grateful. I'm not where I want to be but I'm in a much better place than I was.

Today I'm grateful for

1) Progress. I'm no longer afraid all of the time. This is great!

2) My cat. She's nuts! She is very loving and I'm grateful she is healthy.

3) A happy client on Saturday and a glowing review on my facebook page.

4) I'm grateful for not having to do anything or be anywhere today. It is good to have freedom today.

5) Trauma releasing exercises. I'm going to do them tonight. They are really helpful for me.

6) I'm grateful for the friendship of my ex husband. We're going to chat tonight on the phone.

7) I'm grateful for the ability, at present, to be reasonably free from my addictive impulses.

8) I'm grateful for the book I bought yesterday. I didn't know one of my favourite authors had released another one so it was a nice surprise.

9) I'm grateful for my hair! A patch near the front started looking quite thin recently and it made me realise how much I appreciate it.

10) I'm grateful for more energy lately. I've slightly reduced my medication and not sure yet if I can keep my mood stable - I've had a lot of pain from breaking up with my boyfriend - but so far, so good. At worst, I seem very slightly lower in mood but it's worth it to have more energy.

Hi Freda,

Just popping by with a long overdue high five, some kinds of support just never go out of fashion.... I have been catching up with your diary, love the grateful lists I think we often move through life without appreciating what we have got and what we have achieved.

Sorry to hear that you have been having a tough time recently but well done on handling all those emotionally charged situations. I don't want to be patronising but looking back on your diary you are so much stronger and have made so much progress.

You were one of the first to post on my diary way back when, you said then that if day by day was tough then I could take it minute by minute if that was more manageable. I'll always remember that.

Stay strong

Paulds

good to read your gratitude list.

I will start doing similar me thinks

S. A 🙂

I had a real confrontation with a friend on Monday. It's complicated to explain but he has basically said on paper that he owes me some money. This is because I loaned it to his girlfriend, who I know very well and trust, but she couldn't be seen to receive the loan herself. He volunteered to do this.

He started acting like he knew lots of ways to get out of this loan agreement, that he would never have to pay it back because he could argue it wasn't valid because of x, y and z. He was goading and smug about it.

I got really f ooking angry. He said he was honestly just joking and didn't see why I was upset! What sort of person jokes like that?! I feel no remorse at all for getting angry, he was bang out of order. I do wish I didn't have a tendency to retaliate and name call when I lose my temper. I wasn't all that nasty but I was a bit.

He is one of the strangest people I have ever met. His girlfriend stood up for me and said he was out of order and didn't blame me for kicking off.

This is one of the things that fuels social anxiety for me, though. That other people can be so weird or inappropriate that you get really strongly charged. I was shaking and anxious afterwards. I just could have done without it!

Ugh! Anyway, today I feel less depressed than I have done lately. I went to the rescue to cuddle cats and gave one Reiki. There was one that is really nervous who was all over me. It was an ego boost if I'm honest. Animals do seem to trust me more than some people. It was nice being the cat whisperer today, haha!

Fairly gentle day for me today. Walked the dogs with my friend then into town for a mystery shop. I had to have threading to remove facial hair on my upper lip. Holy jaysus! It was sooooo painful. I was lying there flinching and silently weeping. All of this for £4 payment. I must be mad! It got me out of the house, I suppose.

Went to yoga tonight and the two other students there were both very highly strung people. You can tell by how hard it is to get a word in edgeways. I didn't enjoy their company. Enjoyed the yoga, so not bovvered.

No urges to gamble. Toying with going to a GA meeting on Tuesday evening. It puts me off that all the GA people I've chatted to online have been right ar se holes! Really hostile and bossy.

I was excited to see today that there is a CoDa meeting in my area now. I'm excited and will defo go to that. It is what fuels all the other stuff.

Hi Freda,

Thanks for the post. Yes, you're right. I'm crying over the spilled milk when i myself make the action to spill it in a first place.

Maybe I'm not 100% commited yet. Simple as 2Г—2 i guess.

Will see how i get on. Will keep diary updated time to time.

Good to hear all is well with yourself and yes, try those meetings out. It is connection at the end of the day.

Stay safe

S x

Thanks, S x x I genuinely think it's important to own that you chose to leave a door open rather than tell yourself you "can't" close it. Just seems to be important in recovery.

Depression is pretty bad today. Forgot to take my medication last night and had weird and fitful dreams. Very shaky and tearful today. Usually missing one dose isn't enough to make me poorly in itself, but I was already low yesterday, so it's compounded that.

Definitely staying within the day, today!

Feeling a bit better, although still quite lonely.

Went to the CoDA meeting tonight. Was really pleased with myself that I actually did it because I say I'm going to do a lot of things and never do.

Not sure how helpful it will be because I quite like the aspect of recovery where your peers can give their reflections. Because co-dependents have an unhealthy relationship with validation, and also with giving unsolicited advice, it is not done in this program.

It's a funny one because although I can see that praise or approval could feed an addiction to this, you don't get challenged if you're in denial about something.

I'm going to investigate further, look at some literature and try more meetings in the meantime. It's at least a constructive, healthy way to spend my time.

Glad your feeling a bit better. Despite lifes emotional rollercoaster, you do seem to do alot of positive things, that can only be a good thing.

Have a good day x

Thanks, SA 🙂

I do try and help myself, that's true. I'm still self-destructive in many ways.

I was messaging with my ex most of yesterday. He is just back from his travels. I do kind of miss him but I also know that under the surface, my ego was just looking for validation. Weird thing is, it doesn't work! I don't know why I was trying to get it out of him if it doesn't actually work. Much like gambling, often when we "win" we don't feel better and just keep going. Just an unhealthy attempt to self-soothe.

I mean, perhaps if he'd said "I realised while I was away, that I'm madly in love with you and can't live without you" that might have hit the spot.....haha! Eeeeeeeeh, just trying to find someone who will love me, barking up all the trees in desperation.

I knew exactly what I was doing. I suppose it's good to notice your own patterns and whatnot. He is actually offering me better, in a way. I mean, I don't fully trust him. Takes me a long time to trust people. He still wants to be friends. He still wants me to be in his life even if I don't give him s*x. That sounds a bit like seeing value in me. Although, the cynical devil on my other shoulder is saying "yeah, but maybe he just wants the power of an extra choice on the backburner. He knows you'll give it up if you are vulnerable and needy."

Well, in a way, isn't that often why people stay in touch with their exes? Isn't it common and understandable on some level? It is probably also in my mind, too. At the moment, I feel sick at the thought of having s*x with anyone. It feels so empty and soul-less without love. I think I'm starting to realise how many times I've accepted s*x, when I've really wanted love.

I keep having this weird thought of "it's nice to have my body back." As though I sublet it when I'm with someone. Strange.

I cried a lot yesterday and last night. About how I am when relationships end. I play these weird power games, trying to make the other person want me. The objective isn't to hurt them, it's to pacify my ego fears. I imagine it still does hurt people sometimes.

I have a driving lesson today. I gave up a few weeks ago, couldn't have driven while I was really depressed, anyway. I wasn't the full shilling. I'm nervous. Feel it's something that's "too hard". Trying to persevere and push through that.

Again, it's a positive distraction. An attempt to develop and improve myself and my abilities.