Going to keep this thread now!

I got confused and the driving lesson isn't until next week.

I felt very low yesterday. I went to a Kundalini yoga class and cried pretty much throughout. Teacher ended up giving me a lift home. Cried some more, got up and cried again this morning. My body hurts, my breathing is thick as though I am breathing in smoke instead of air.

Anyway, something remarkable just happened. I can't quite believe it! My landlord's agent just called to say that they will fix the dishwasher in my flat once only. That they can't afford to keep fixing it repeatedly, but will fix it this once if I renew my tenancy.

I'm really surprised, but delighted too! I stood up to someone and it worked! It's not really about the dishwasher, as I'm sure you can understand. It's about what it represents.

It will also hopefully have a positive effect on my mental health. It has always been the same. Dirty dishes piling up can really contribute to feeling like sh eet.

It is weird how one little thing going my way can shift the balance a little bit. Today, I will not gamble apart from one pound on the l ott o. It is working for me at present. Ideally I suppose I would like to stop even this.

Posting a lot at the moment, as depression is whooping my a ss today.

I get this feeling of "not being safe". It used to be a literal, in the present feeling. That I might die suddenly. It's not as bad as that anymore. Now it's more of an "I don't feel safe because I struggle to manage my emotions and as a result of this, I cannot provide for myself." Less urgent, but still a feeling of threat.

It helps to get it down in writing. So, here is where I remind myself that this is temporary. That...a while ago I was doing great and feeling better than I had felt in years. I can't remember when this was, as depression has temporarily monkeyed with my concept of time.

I do think I was genuinely feeling better. Not just trying to convince myself I was doing better like I often have done. So, I can feel better again. This is just a setback.

I think I am also trying to recalibrate my brain to what "is" rather than how I thought things were.

I honestly thought that ex valued me enough to make an effort. I thought he was more attached to me than he is. I thought he would miss me. I think what is at the crux of this is that I thought I was safe with him. I thought it was safe to get attached.

When I've messaged him he has been friendly and replied. When I've said I was crying, he has asked if I'm OK. other than this, he has been distant. He doesn't give much.

I think I've been trying to get him to act like he used to. To act like he cares. To give.

He isn't very loving. He isn't very giving. He isn't very affectionate. This is the reality I need to accept.

I think it just leaves me feeling shaken up, really. Confused. Abandoned.

How I would let myself get so close to someone who wasn't able to show me they valued me.

When I think back, he would say a lot. He would say "you're lovely" "you're great" "you're beautiful". There wasn't much affection though. I would give him tons of affection and he would say "this is bliss" but he wouldn't give it back. He'd say he was lucky. This created the illusion, I suppose, that he was really into me. It's easy to say stuff.

He has just gotten straight back on with his life, or this is how it seems. He has let go easily. I'm surprised.

Maybe the emotion is more massive disappointment. His behaviour got my hopes up. It was empty, meaningless. He said he'd had no luck with other women and still he'd let go of me easily. He'd been lonely, yet still let go with ease.

It's the not knowing - was he just telling me a pack of lies? His behaviour doesn't make sense to me.

It's common to see this easy disposal as a reflection on me. It is a reflection on him, though.

It just takes a while to sink in, I think. He's not who he said he was.

The big emotional trigger for me has been - asking him to show how he feels. Asking for affectionate love and not getting it.

It was very painful. Asking for my standards to be met - not particularly high ones - and being left wanting.

I do wonder if he was playing mind games. He sleepily said "I love you" a couple of times. When you're not really sure if someone knows what they are saying or not. I asked him if he meant to say it, one time. I said "it's OK if you did, it doesn't freak me out or anything" He said it slipped out cos he was sleepy-relaxed and really content and happy. That at that point he mean't it like "I love being with you". Still....to say that even on that level then to just be like "OK!" when someone says "we need to break up if you can't show me more affection and interest because it's hurting me".

At the very least, he's a d i ck.

I think I've been trying to prompt him to show something to the contrary, so I don't have to accept it. I don't want to accept that he's just some d i ck, because that is really sad. That there is no more for me and it is over.

It sounds like I'm giving this way too much significance and going way over the top, but he really got into my head and made me believe he could love me. To have my hopes of that dashed, is painful.

The weird thing is, I have been curled up in despair today but seem to have come through the eye of the storm. I think I'm processing it and letting him go. Giving up hope and accepting that I've just been used and misled.

There won't be any realisation on his part. I've just been disposed of.

Hi Freda,

Thanks for the post. I unfriend my cousin all together! Ha...probably started the revolutionary war of families from the series of "you blocked me on FB - now you're going to d**"...lol...next - Jeremy Kyle show!
What gets me mad is people not having balls to criticise you to your face but goes all the way round and express nasty remarks to your family! f**k them huh...i can lead my own life the way i want.
If they wanted me to post loved up pics with a man who was still married when i seen him, they can think again! Not upto romance story with 20 different interferences to add.

So a little pain your way also?...sorry to hear that Hun...it will pass but we cannot just sit and wait for it to go...need to help ourselves aswell. I am getting over the wonderful friendship i had but which collapsed and fell to pieces...ouch on my part indeed!!. Still very raw but i need to move on. I think important step is to delete all the emails, pics and converses from the past...just out of my life so i can stop looking back when feel low. I am weak willed and things like that doesn't help me. I give in to soothing mechanisms which hurts more in the end. Giving my power away to psychological mindfook that's what it is. Letting others control my mindset. A bit deep here but I'm glad I'm aknowledging it!

I am still however searching for a person to connect to. So i can at least talk daily to someone...call them friends....maybe even best friends one day.. Life can get very lonely when I'm out here by myself. I am serious when i say i have no friends..sad life but not all is lost ☺..i have hope!

World is in the bad space recently. You're right Hun...this is the start of something horrible...War...anger, hater, pain..

I noticed myself changing. A little more cold hearted....hmmmm..not me really since I'm softy but recent life lessons gave me very tough wake up call. ...not sure how i will go forwards from here.

No gambling for nearly 7 days hun. That's all i can do! I do talk to one of the GA members now and then. Even if he wanted to drag me in the bed, i managed to clear it up & put him right bk where he came from and hopefully can maintain the GA friendship we created. This however put foot in my attendances to the meetings....somehow don't feel comfortable with someone looking me up& and down for 2hrs :-/....anyway, he is 12 yrs GF and you know what is so inspiring to me? ...he don't do 12 steps! Just simply attends meetings and occupies himself with different things...this was/is music to my ears and proves that it can be done without the programme. I didn't know it can work...but i have proof in front of my eyes ☺...just need to WANT that change to make it happen.

Hope today is better for you Hun...i woke up in more positive mind..lil girl gave me massive hug which set me off on the right foot to go on about my day ☺

Jeezzz..that's the most i spoken in ages lol....ya see...i can talk ☺....esp about ME ME ME

Look after yourself yeah...

Just for today, stay safe

B&S xx

Ps. On the subject of difference in humans. We are all different and obviously feel/see/understand differently. It struck me when you said he seem to let go so easily. That's what I'm mulling over and over again. Do people actually mean when they say what they say?..or they just say what you want to hear? ....because the actions in the end shows otherwise huh...
Feel for you hun but am very sure you will find what you're looking for who will match your needs and soul...never stop believing. Xx

Thanks, S x x

Yes, I think he is a chronic people pleaser and just wanted to make me happy. My last boyfriend before this, told me he loved me when he didn't. Note to self - pay attention to actions, not words. I do this anyway so maybe ignore words even more! lol.

It's confusing and distressing for me when they tell me what they think I want to hear, but buried in that is the wish to make me happy. There is a misguided but positive intention in there.

I need to take responsibility for getting close fast. I rush things out of a wish for closeness. I slept with both of these men on the second date. I can wait longer in future. My ex-husband I waited 6 weeks. Quite a long time, really. For me, anyway, lol.

o*g!! 2nd date??? Fffrrrreeeedddaaaaaa....you can do better than that! (Saying me who lost the plot seing the guy only 4 times ....lol...gotta laugh huh...)

re the job. Ive seen your exchange with SA and ...well...maybe cause I'm from Baltic seas (aka..poorer country & no benefit system as here) , i always have grabbed for the straws..sucked bad job up and held on for as long as i got promoted lol..i do work according to my "profession"( food industry) but i hate my job! 12yrs in such sector and I'm almost done. I get what you mean about waiting for a better place/ position....the thing in this day & age is - it won't come because another 20'odd candidates are lined up for that place.i choose hard graft, place i don't really want to be...but earn what i earn. (I guess better than benefits). Work has affected me and probably is part of my depression and unhappiness...but i just don't know otherwise...just can't drop and leave :-/..
I have tried completely different sphere where i vollunteer, but as ya know failed..maybe for a reason me thinks..don't think my mental state is suitable for a job..even if it's so easy to "play" the game to get in if you want to...everywhere are just games...you are in it to win it! ....gambling, you like to put it like that or not. We are gambling with our lives/futures.

Ramble over...sozzz for taking over ur thread ☺ 😉

Be good & behave!

S x

Haha! I honestly feel there is nothing wrong with having nookie with someone minutes after meeting if you feel safe and it's what you want.

It does, however, make it more difficult to achieve a well-balanced relationship. Also, you have to be having s*x for the right reason. With most recent boyfriend, I knew it didn't feel right as soon as it was initiated. I would have stopped if it felt really wrong and upsetting. It just felt awkward and forced, though.

This is the weirdest thing to admit but I don't give a shittttt. I felt vulnerable and anxious and didn't want to admit that it was making me not want to go outside on the proper date we had planned - so, I initiated s*x instead. Very strange way to deal with it, I know. I still don't really understand why I did it.

Interestingly, I learned that co-dependents often have s*x when what they really want is love. Don't know if it was a very strange reaction to feeling vulnerable and wanting love.

If I'm honest, I wanted us to stop having s*x. I knew we had started having it too early. I told him, and he said Okay but he would still try to initiate it. Not such a great guy, huh? If I had insisted we didn't, he would have stopped, I know he would. He was a little co-ercive though. Not a great quality. Although, we women are spoiled because we rarely have to deal with the frustration of a "no" I know when I was given a "no" once, I did try to persuade. Not great either. I am as bad as him, then. Oh, did I mention codependents are c rap at boundaries?...

hopeful soul wrote: Hi Freda,

Thanks for the post. I unfriend my cousin all together! Ha...probably started the revolutionary war of families from the series of "you blocked me on FB - now you're going to d**"...lol...next - Jeremy Kyle show!
What gets me mad is people not having balls to criticise you to your face but goes all the way round and express nasty remarks to your family! f**k them huh...i can lead my own life the way i want.
If they wanted me to post loved up pics with a man who was still married when i seen him, they can think again! Not upto romance story with 20 different interferences to add.

So a little pain your way also?...sorry to hear that Hun...it will pass but we cannot just sit and wait for it to go...need to help ourselves aswell. I am getting over the wonderful friendship i had but which collapsed and fell to pieces...ouch on my part indeed!!. Still very raw but i need to move on. I think important step is to delete all the emails, pics and converses from the past...just out of my life so i can stop looking back when feel low. I am weak willed and things like that doesn't help me. I give in to soothing mechanisms which hurts more in the end. Giving my power away to psychological mindfook that's what it is. Letting others control my mindset. A bit deep here but I'm glad I'm aknowledging it!

I am still however searching for a person to connect to. So i can at least talk daily to someone...call them friends....maybe even best friends one day.. Life can get very lonely when I'm out here by myself. I am serious when i say i have no friends..sad life but not all is lost ☺..i have hope!

World is in the bad space recently. You're right Hun...this is the start of something horrible...War...anger, hater, pain..

I noticed myself changing. A little more cold hearted....hmmmm..not me really since I'm softy but recent life lessons gave me very tough wake up call. ...not sure how i will go forwards from here.

No gambling for nearly 7 days hun. That's all i can do! I do talk to one of the GA members now and then. Even if he wanted to drag me in the bed, i managed to clear it up & put him right bk where he came from and hopefully can maintain the GA friendship we created. This however put foot in my attendances to the meetings....somehow don't feel comfortable with someone looking me up& and down for 2hrs :-/....anyway, he is 12 yrs GF and you know what is so inspiring to me? ...he don't do 12 steps! Just simply attends meetings and occupies himself with different things...this was/is music to my ears and proves that it can be done without the programme. I didn't know it can work...but i have proof in front of my eyes ☺...just need to WANT that change to make it happen.

Hope today is better for you Hun...i woke up in more positive mind..lil girl gave me massive hug which set me off on the right foot to go on about my day ☺

Jeezzz..that's the most i spoken in ages lol....ya see...i can talk ☺....esp about ME ME ME

Look after yourself yeah...

Just for today, stay safe

B&S xx

Ps. On the subject of difference in humans. We are all different and obviously feel/see/understand differently. It struck me when you said he seem to let go so easily. That's what I'm mulling over and over again. Do people actually mean when they say what they say?..or they just say what you want to hear? ....because the actions in the end shows otherwise huh...
Feel for you hun but am very sure you will find what you're looking for who will match your needs and soul...never stop believing. Xx

Perhaps if the guy did the steps & followed the program, he wouldnt be eyeing you up for 2 hours & trying to hit on a vulnerable member. A perfect example of how abstinance is the bare minimum in recovery & how just not gambling doesnt change a lot about people with dubious characters & motives.

Thanks Dan..all i can do is share what I've been told. Maybe old man is just lonely and looking for the company. I have informed the chairman about intimidating comments/ texts so shall go from there. All i know, atm i cannot walk in there. Man or other reasons,i shall occupy myself without rooms for now.. he obvs follows some steps...as such step 1 for sure. Maybe he does others individually...i am not sure as he never gave clear answer on that. I was just given an impression that rooms may be enough as long as you keep returning..I'm not someone who knows all that 12 steps programme really so yup...let's rest this case huh ☺

Freda,

o*g! Everything is wrong with sleeping with a stranger!!!. How can you feel safe and know person after 1 day? ....Jeezzz woman....
Forgive me for asking, but haven't you replaced your addiction with another?...or you have always been needy physical contact?...don't have to answer.

I know my exes had to wait for good few months for their prize lol....& i did freak out with the last one after 3 weeks as god knows what went over me so quickly! I just lost control and persuaded him to bed! How awful on my part.... (drink didn't help in this situ for sure).
It just shows that human mind is one foo*ked up thing. It can just go like that!
I think for me was the connection i had. We spoke loads and loads and it was just something so nice i never felt with a man. I read him like a book and maybe just maybe element of sympathy about his situation..not sure...he hurt a lot...
..he still hurts and he wants to see me this weekend but i kind of know where it can end up (i don't give a shitee recently) so trying to figure it all out before i make poor choice.

Will toss a coin on this one haha...

Anyway lady, i get what you're feeling and understand the need of such connection...but remember - you're worthy nice gentleman who will respect you/ love you/ appreciate you and will never let you go from his sight and heart. He is out there somewhere...you will meet him...I'm sure ☺

Look after yourself & don't let others use u & abuse you!

B&S xx

I just think from a moral standpoint it is perfectly OK. It isn't really right for me, but I don't feel shame if I do this. I don't like society judging women more harshly than men for the same behaviour. A woman can also completely use a man for s*x. I have done it myself. I didn't pressurise or force the man, I had the desire for it and asked if he would be OK with completely no-strings-attached s*x. I don't think it is abuse unless you are taking advantage of someone's vulnerability. If you are two adults who really want to have s*x with each other there is nothing wrong with that, morally.

I don't think it's an addiction, no. I have wanted it and enjoyed it. I have never had s*x with someone the same day as meeting them but wouldn't morally judge anyone who did. I have always enjoyed a lot of physical touch with a partner. Not overly touchy -feely with friends. I used to get tons of it with my ex husband. We would cuddle for hours. I miss it. We didn't have that much s*x, we just cuddled a lot. I would feel very safe and relaxed in his arms.

As for safety.... I know of many abusers who were known to their victims for a long time before the first offense. Often a man will only become violent once he is married to, living with, or parenting with a woman. This is because it's easier to control her.

I don't allow myself to be alone with a man the first time I meet him but after that, it really is just gut instinct. I think abusive men are very good at hiding it and it is sadly always a possibility. First man was very gentle in nature - to the point I would have presumed he was ***! (I know not all *** men are gentle and it's a stereotype. I think hetero men often don't feel allowed to show gentleness for some reason) second guy was a Primary school teacher. Unlikely to be someone with no self control or ability to manage impulsiveness.

Personally, for me, the danger is in having regular s*x with someone I don't know well. I think this is because I do find the chemistry involved very addictive. You don't have to be in love to start producing oxytocin, I think just enjoyable physical intimacy in itself produces it. I didn't even really like this latest boyfriend all that much. He didn't politely laugh at my jokes but expected me to laugh at his. He took affection but didn't give much. Just more of a taker in general. This is fine if you enjoy giving, I was looking for reciprocity, though.

I am very angry today. Really, really angry! I don't mind being judged about my attitudes toward s*x, I'm just angry in general. I'd arranged to go for a walk with my friend and her dogs and I was just so agitated. I said I wish it was socially acceptable to scream and she said "just do it! there's no-one around" so I did. I did it a few times. It felt good.

I went back to her house to punch her punchbag for a while and I stamped on her lawn as well. I felt a lot better for it for a couple of hours then it got bad again.

I want to express it but also feel tired. I feel frustrated and vulnerable and have done for a while. It is hard to manage my emotions and therefore hard to function. Today is particularly bad.

It doesn't feel directed at anything or specific, it's just anger and frustration in general. I'm trying to get at it and into it by writing and describing it. It definitely has fear in the mix. Not having control and that not feeling safe. I don't need to feel I have total control, just more control than I currently do. There are tears coming too. It's like a desire to escape a really unsafe feeling. To protect myself from it. It may well be as old as me. From when I was very little. I didn't feel safe from abuse anywhere. I don't mean extreme abuse but we have normalised a lot of abuse as "just part of life" something we just have to "deal with" like people laughing at us or calling us names. When I was at school, the kids could be nasty and when I was at home, my family could be nasty. I never understood why it was considered normal. Even as a little kid, it didn't make any sense. I could understand why someone would retaliate but never why unprovoked nastiness existed.

Obviously, as an adult I get that it was learned. The kids that were nasty without provocation probably had someone being nasty to them at home. An adult. It has never ever occurred to me to just be nasty for no reason or just to bully someone.

Actually, I tell a lie. Probably it can start with someone refusing to share. I probably refused to share at times, until I was taught to.

Anyway, I'm kind of just rambling now but I got a bit deeper into it, so that's good.

Just letting it flow out. Enjoying expressing myself today.

s*x with the first of the second-date rumpy guys was actually some of the most loving, connected s*x I've ever had. He was a deeply messed up person, just like me, but he had part of him that was so loving and beautiful. I find a lot of men can only express tenderness through s*x. It's quite sad. I don't think you need to be in love with someone to show them loving affection.

Hi Freda.

I'm sorry, i guess i judged you yesterday not really realising it...it's something i often do..I'm sorry.

Of course you can have your opinion on things and it's your life you're living. We are all different and there is nothing to say that my view won't change also. (I can expect anything of myself recently lol)

Thank you for your post and apologies for my words again.
As l9ng as you're safe and happy, that's what matters the most!

S x

Hey, S x x No problem x x We all judge from time to time, myself included!

The word that was censored in my previous post was, believe it or not, G a y!!!! I know this is also an old-fashioned teasing word but I think it's way more important to risk someone using it in that context than to have it censored as an offensive word!!!! Not very LGBTQI friendly!

Feeling better today. Been for a run and going into town to pick a few things up, now.