Going to keep this thread now!

Difficult day, emotionally, yesterday.

Had a 121 gong bath yesterday. Spoke about traumatic times with mother as a child and how she would control us with guilt and shame, withdrawing love when we didn't please her. Spoke of how latest relationship felt unsafe for me to remain in because he could not return affection and connect. He had been very affectionate initially and this had made me attach strongly to him. It was painful to yet again find myself close to someone who couldn't show loving affection at times. It brought up feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

It was a peaceful session after that. I fell asleep into a deep rest. I talked with therapist for ages afterwards. Maybe I shouldn't have, I don't know. I did feel tired for it and a bit nervous in my stomach.

Went to a CoDA meeting on the evening. I had resisted contacting ex for a few days and felt stronger for it. He messaged me when I was on my way to the meeting. I felt pleased and scared at the same time when I saw it was him. My ego loved that he'd reached out to me but my fear felt apprehensive about connecting with someone I'd felt so addicted to.

I spoke about it at the meeting, about how anxious it made me to be attached to him. I spoke about how I wanted to be in touch with him but knew it was unhealthy and I was probably better off staying away from him. I felt in need of comfort and soothing after the meeting. I felt some uncomfortable emotional pain. Not unmanageable, but quite uncomfortable. I wanted to comfort eat. I ended up buying a samosa as a snack for the journey home. We messaged some more on my way home. I felt quite tearful and sad about how difficult I find relationships, how addicted I can get to the validation. I wanted to cry but held it back while I was travelling on the train. I told him where I had been.

We ended up chatting over the phone for an hour and a half. It felt good to hear his voice. We both alluded to having felt some frustration since we had split up. You know....urges. We spoke about how nice it would be to have a partner substitute just for company, until we were ready for a relationship again. Not to have s*x with, but to talk to with an open heart and to cuddle and have company. To fill a hole until we were able to be with someone fully.

I explained that I would be self-destructive if we spent time together face to face. I would look for signs that he still wanted me, and would try to ellicit that kind of reinforcement from him. Try to get him to want me, just to feel wanted and special. I wouldn't have much self-control if he tried to initiate anything sexual. He says he understands.

Anyway, I feel alright about this contact. I don't feel it made me miss him more or feel lonelier.

Today I can feel a lot of fear. Just grumbling under the surface. I have a Reiki client on Thursday. She's a returning client, which is good. Always just feel a bit nervous, not wanting to mess up or disappoint. Not wanting lack of confidence to hold me back.

Hi Freda :)).

Probably not my place to say but would you not feel ultimately better just cutting ties with your Ex ? .

Apologies if i'm Wrong but it seems from many of your post's that it just keep's everything simmering away , on slow boil as it were and just waiting for thing's to bubble over again ? .

I feel that if that relationship is causing you pain however spasmodic it may be , is it worth continuing or better to break free and look or allow yourself to find a less traumatic 0ne ? .

I'm no relationship Guru but it just seems to cause you a lot of turmoil in your life .

If I'm barking up the wrong tree ( not for the first time on the forum ) then I apologise . x

Thanks, Alan. It's something I do need to hear. I think because I experience a lot of fear and depression I try to keep people around who I could call on in a crisis. It helps me to feel safe.

I'm not able to look for a new relationship at the moment because I would do the same, really. Cling on for dear life!

I am finding it hard to let go. I've let go of wanting to have an intimate relationship with him.

My ex husband has been very supportive. He understands my need to have someone safe to connect with.

I am still feeling somewhat depressed. Not agonisingly so, but that queasy "it's not going to be alright" feeling is there with me when I get up.

I have a driving lesson today. The distraction will probably be good for me.

Arrrgghh! Was so nervous in my driving lesson but I think it went OK. Instructor thinks I can be ready for my test in around 30 hours of lessons.

I really want to dig in and stick this out this time.

I am knackered today.

Had a driving lesson yesterday and the nerves and adrenaline that brings for me. Then went to see my friend and hang out and play a game. That was fun but exciting! haha. Then took her dog for a little walk because the other dog couldn't be left alone. Then I went to an exercise class which was a 20 minute walk each way!

Lots of exercise was good for me. I did lots of stretches last night and had a hot bath.

My thighs are killing me today! I also slept about 9 hours. Emotionally, I feel OK. I don't really want to go out of my comfort zone. I've just been on the sofa, under a blanket, eating toast and watch youtube videos.

I have a Reiki client tomorrow. It's a returning client and I don't feel as nervous as I did 2 weeks ago. There is still slight nervousness about "putting myself out there" but it feels manageable and positive.

Reiki client cancelled but I wasn't bothered. There are a lot of these kinds of 'false starts' in complementary therapies, where you get cancellations or no shows. You get used to it.

I'm feeling great regarding the ex-boyfriend! I think I was still harbouring hopes that he would realise I was a big loss and try to win me back. This is why it was turning into such a daft melodrama over whether to stay in touch or not. I knew I wasn't over him so wanted to stay in touch but feared it was for the wrong reasons, or it would be bad for me. I turned some sort of corner this week and felt strong enough to meet up with him as friends without needing anything from him. We met last night, it was nice to see him - but I felt virtually nothing and I was really glad! It was like seeing him through new eyes - I couldn't understand why I'd been so hung up on him. He is really nothing special at all! I noticed little signs of his less attractive side, it was so strange but good. He is, in reality, totally different from the person he first presented himself as. I guess we all try to show our best side to people we are dating but he really is pretty fake. It really does feel wonderful to be free of this unhealthy attachment.

This is fantastic f!!!!

You are so right...we hung up on person and then just look at the same person with "fresh" eyes & think w*f was all that about! Lol

Plenty of fish in the sea hun..plenty of those around ☺

Food to hear you are feeling better...calm and peace is radiating from you..i taken a piece ;-)...thank you for sharing

B&S xx

I'm seeing ex again tonight. We are going to watch a free film screening. Another friend might come along too.

I am experiencing a bad day, depression-wise. It seems to be triggered by contact with my family. My brother sent a postcard from my nephew about him having his first week at pre-school. He is such a cute and lovely boy. I'd love to see more of him but I don't like my family. I think that then got me thinking about feeling uncomfortable around my family as they all manage to hold down jobs and none of them have ended up divorced. I feel like they like me being more vulnerable because of it and I don't feel supported or safe talking about how I am, because they just say tactless or judgemental things. It's almost like they enjoy hearing I'm not doing well. My Uncle had similar problems to me, and he disappeared away from the family. The difference with my uncle is he takes the mickey out of other people as well. He can dish it out but not take it. I don't like taking the mickey out of people at all, so I just feel totally out of place around them. He also got into some bad financial trouble - I suspect he was gambling but don't really know. He tricked a local barmaid by selling her a car that wasn't paid for. It was financed, I think, so I think she had to start making the finance payments on it or they would take it back. Not really sure how it all works. I'm guessing it's a bit like america with cars, where you sign ownership over somehow but the new owner inherits any outstanding debt for it, too. He worked in credit control years ago so I think it taught him how to fiddle people.

Weirdly, I saw my uncle for the first time in years today. I pretended I didn't see him because I think he just wants to be left alone. I don't feel the need to force him to say hello if he doesn't want to. He was with his partner and presumably doesn't want his partner to find things out about his past.

I wonder if the universe was trying to tell me to do what my uncle did and just stay away from them.

My ex missed his last bus, came to stay. He pushed for s*x, I said "no". He accepted that but pushed again later. I ended up giving in. Feel very used. I'm a grown woman, responsible for my own choices. He is co-ercive and I can't allow myself to get into vulnerable situations with him.

I thought we'd both accepted the break up but could share a bit of affection, cuddling. Apparently not. He talks a good game about caring about me. My gut tells me he's full of s**t. My gut says he intends to do the right, honorable thing by me but the desire to get what he wants takes over.

I wasn't totally reeled back in, even though we got very affectionate and tender with each other. I'm a bit hurt but I will get over it.

Just wanted to connect with someone. Have some intimacy.

Hey Freda...thanks..i truly understand what you are saying and shall use your wise suggestion..

Now...isn't it time to get your head out of hungry lion's mouth? C'mon girl, let it go & look ahead!
He is not worth you & you are worth way more! Keep saying NO to any urges in life..you will know what is right and when to say YES....

be you..stay unique but keep your self respect as priority..You're worth it!

B&S xx

Hi Freda .

You may have said no but he didn't accept it because he pushed agin until you gave in ! , that's not arelationship it's just about him getting what he want's and all the time that's happening he'll just keep turning up and you'll just keep feeling used .

People can be affectionate and tender without having to jump into bed and that's about both of you connecting and not just because he want's to get his end away .

My opinion for what it's worth is to sever all ties with this so called friend and connect with someone that truly cares .

Look after yourself f xx

I totally agree with you, Alan. I started crying when I read what you advised because it's true, but who else is there? I feel alone enough as it is. I know I can meet someone new in time, but what do I do in the meantime? You know?

I'm not excusing him, but when I put myself in his shoes, I think "wow! that must be hard to resist! knowing how easy it would be to get that person to do whatever I want".

I told him that if we ended up having se x again as friends, I would want to go our separate ways, as I would just feel used. He said well, it won't be allowed to happen. That's the last thing I'd want to happen. For you to feel used.

I simply replied "but I do".

I'm looking forward to seeing my ex husband this week. He is visiting for a few days. I can get safe cuddles from him, he never tries to bend the boundaries.

I didn't talk about what happened during my share at CoDA last night. It was for two reasons, really. I feel a bit weird about talking about my s ex life in front of people I don't yet know well. Also, I feel very wary of describing how easy it was for this man to manipulate me, in front of other men. It's a mixed s*x group and I feel like it's almost advertising my vulnerability. Come and get it here! Step right up! Easy to abuse!

One of the women was getting on my nerves. I find her a bit controlling. It irritates me. I feel like she finds ways to command a lot of attention but I don't want to give her it. It feels draining.

I often feel a bit lonely and vulnerable after a CoDA meeting, going off for the metro by myself, back to an empty flat with just the cat. I saw I had a message from him, waiting for me. It made me feel happy. Made me feel less alone.

It's becoming increasingly obvious to me that it would be a difficult friendship, emotionally. He doesn't give much. I asked him if he wanted to be f ace book friends again and he said "yep". I don't know, I just felt like he didn't really want to say 'yes' but he didn't feel able to say 'no'. I just thought, I'm not going to add him. He can add me, if he means it. He hasn't yet.

I've just been for a driving lesson. I'd felt like I needed to cry, about 5 minutes before, so was a bit red eyed and not quite 100% when I went out. I felt like I'd driven really rubbish today, but my instructor was lovely and encouraging, as usual and said not to get disheartened. I'd forgotten to take my medication last night then had to sort out a mistake someone had made with my prescription which meant I'd ran out of meds today. It turns out they had only given me 24 days worth but had reordered for 28 days on. I felt so confused and stupid, not understanding how I'd run out early, somehow. Turns out I'd never been given enough and it wasn't my fault anyway.

I've comfort eaten so much recently. It has affected how I feel about myself and my body. I feel fat and unattractive.

It's good that I haven't got to be anywhere now. I feel very despressed and am crying. I am thinking about going back up with my medication dosage for the time being, until the winter has passed. I have definitely felt more depressed since I lowered it but since I broke up with James at around the same time, it wasn't clear for a while, how the decrease had gone.

I had a bit more energy, initially, but that improvement seems to have gone away again.

I know a lot of why people like me get addiction and co-dependency problems is because we don't want to face or accept reality. I'm feeling that strongly today. I won't gamble, I'll just let myself feel it.

Thanks for writing what I need to hear, S and Alan. I have become upset, but only because I don't want to accept it. It upsets me that it's true. I long for a safe person to just show me love without an agenda. I have that in my ex-husband but it's something that would be better for us both, if I could find that elsewhere. I don't like that I still depend on him in that respect.

Everything feels really s h eet today.

Hi freda :))

I didn't want you to be upset by what I'd written but sometimes you just have to be brutally honest and as much as I think you already know what's happening before your eyes , someone like myself or Sandra looking in and being detached can see it for what it truly is .

You ask " What else is there " ? , In all honesty I don't know the answer to that one but continuing with a relationship that's just built on pillar's of salt will do no good in the long term as at some point your going to have to look elswhere and this will just prolong it .

I can understand your reluctance to share at your meeting , it's one thing to come here but avery different one to be facing people showing vulnerability , especially where s*x is concerned .

Maybe time to gather friend's around who have no hidden agenda ? .

Look after yourself f xx

Thanks, Alan.

Trouble is, I try to get company from friends but they're always b loody busy, or end up cancelling at the last minute. I feel quite angry about it, actually. There are many people like me who spend a dangerously large amount of their time alone. People say "we'll have to see more of each other" but don't actually follow through.

The trouble is freda sometimes " Life just get's in the way " and other's promises of contact don't alway's materialise ! . maybe sometimes it's just better to have some alone time with someone who won't let you you down and fu get the rest , namely yourself :)) .