Going to keep this thread now!

I'm in a women's circle that was supposed to meet tonight. Most of them are flaky as f**k and it takes a lot of energy to find a date that most people will come to (even though we had all originally agreed to keep it as first Monday of the month) To be fair, they're just not really committed to the circle. Already too busy with other stuff.

A few of them have said they are there for me, but it's not true. They want to be there for me, to be fair, but they haven't got the time. I've just had an angry meltdown on our f ace book page about how I'm not coming tonight because there might be no-one turning up who has keys to let us in and about how I've been letting my ex boyfriend use me for s*x because at least it's some vaguely reliable human contact.

I'm sick of fading into the background and acting like everything is OK.

That's a phrase that's banded about a lot these day's " Im there for you " but for many it should include " If nothing else crops up " .

The true one's will alway's be there f and if not , then their not worth worrying over :)).

Look after yourself x

You are right. Shame I haven't come across that many true ones, so I find myself alone much of the time.

Thank's for your comment's on my diary f , that's very kind :)) .

You know I think being alone is about what you can take from it sometimes and there can be some positives, I'm not talking about living as a Hermit but I actually like being alone if I'm honest and maybe that's part of why I sought comfort with a machine while in active addiction ? , people assume that when you frequent a high street bookies filled with likeminded people that you must have a huge circle of friend's in there and I do get that perception because your in a sometimes crowded enviroment all doing the same thing Gambling but honestly nothing could be further from the truth and out of 20 people that may be in there I'd maybe know one or two faces and probably couldn't give you a name if you asked, so it's quite a solitary enviroment really .

I guess it's slightly different with me where I run a business dealing with the public ,so for me to have some me time and not be bothered by anyone is a pleasant experience and one I enjoy .

Going back on track now , I had a friend came in the other night who I hadn't spoken to for a month or so since she was given the all clear on some cancer treatment she'd received , She told me how she'd lost quite a few " Friend's " along the way and one in particular who she'd known for more than 25 yrs had just dumped her by txt one day claiming " She couldn't do this anymore " ? but she took comfort in the fact that the true ones had been there all along . I probably have 2 or 3 people in my life that I can call true friends, not a huge amount but people who however long youv'e not spoken for will just pick up as if you'd never been away and I'm thankfull to have those few in my life .

The good one's are out there f but not alway's that obvious but hey you still have this place to put all the thing's that are wrong to right :)) .

XX

I just feel so angry. Really let down and angry.

I don't know if anyone saw the video Sinead O' Connor made recently. This happens to a lot of people. They end up alone. Not because they are boring or unpleasant or worthless but because a lot of people are just full of s*£t. Not there when someone needs it most.

It makes me really sad when humans are this selfish. Everyone deserves love when they are scared and in despair.

Need to get some hardcore gratitude in. Yes, I'm feeling emotionally raw but there are lots of things to be grateful for, too.

1) I'm grateful for the progress I have seen in the state of my mind. I was reflecting on things that would have really upset me years ago and there are many signs of improved resilience. Someone said to me "are you pregnant or just fat?" a couple of months ago. Rather than feel shamed and internalising it, I just thought "what on earth is the matter with you? what an insanely rude thing to say".I also felt more acceptance of my body immediately afterwards. I do get a bloated stomach often but I'm less self-conscious about it. I am what I am.

2) I'm no longer anxious about getting blood taken. I had a funny turn a couple of years ago and it made me really scared of having it taken again but I seem to have come through that and overcome it.

3) I am loved. Maybe not by all the people I would like to love me, but I do have people who love me. My ex husband loves me and it's a much safer, more reliable feeling love. If he still loves me after we have split up, that's real and reliable.

4) I can drive. I'm so grateful that this has been going well. I had real concerns that I wouldn't be able to concentrate, being so medicated, but I'm doing much better than I expected.

5) I'm physically healthy. I have a healthy blood pressure and apart from a slightly off thyroid reading my blood results all came back normal recently.

6) I'm not HIV positive! I'd never had a blood test for this before. It had always been in the back of my mind that "you never know" all it takes is one partner to cheat, or someone's ex partner lying about having been tested. I've been fairly careful over the years, but not scrupulously so. Finally took the plunge a few months ago and it was an amazing feeling to know I was safe, in that respect. For definite. Might sound weird, but it made me feel lucky.

7) I'm getting used to accepting my anger and expressing it. I no longer judge myself for getting angry and am gradually finding it less overwhelming when I do get angry.

8) I'm not currently required to do much I don't want to. This may change at any time, for the moment, the DWP are allowing me to rest and recover my mental health.

9) I'm not getting many reiki clients but I have a bunch of great reviews on my page and have built a really positive base for the business to grow from.

10) I have a weekly CoDA meeting I can go to. I'm proud of myself for facing my fear and actually going, making myself vulnerable.

Suffering badly from depression today. I experience 2 types and this is possibly the worse. It's where emotionally, I'm actually alright, but I get this really lethargic feeling, body aches, feeling of soreness and emotional pain in my stomach/gut. Breathing deeply helps, it comes in waves. I sort of want to curl into the foetal position. Very odd. My mood can be quite chirpy yet for no reason there's a physical sensation of emotional pain in my body.

Because it's not really linked to my thoughts or mood it's quite hard to manage. I just have to rest if I can. It comes with urges to moan aloud/groan with emotion.

Also dealing with period pains, so all in all not very comfy today.

I had a very vivid dream that there was a thunder and lightening storm last night. So vivid, it leaves me not really sure whether it happened in real life or I dreamt it.

Have had some company this afternoon from ex husband which has helped, as he is used to this and I can just be as I am without a need to explain.

I've been feeling quite paranoid lately. Not trusting that people mean what they say. Also feeling angry and intolerant of it.

They say that self love is what is needed. That once you truly love yourself, everything you need will come to you. I do love myself. I do feel that I am worthy of love and company and a sense of belonging to a community of people, I just don't trust other people to think I'm worthy.

In recent romantic relationships, partners have seemed to see and acknowledge my value but have been unable to reflect it in their behaviour toward me, due to their own emotional problems. Perhaps this is part of the process of breaking through into a place where I am cherished. I don't know if I would quite trust it if I met someone who seemed to be "for real" and very eager to cherish and nurture me. I guess I'd think it was an act.

Depression seems to have eased a bit today. I'm going to get some exercise and then do some tension/trauma releasing exercises. I'm having an hour of reflexology later. Part of operation self-love.

Hey f.....

I ❤❤❤❤ this song & now realised it's perfect to You! ☺

New rules Hun...looking after yourself 1st!

(Hope my style of music is not gonna leave ya a bangin headache 😉 )

https://youtu.be/cHn1pGJwUZs

Stay safe..stau well

B&S xx

You are right. Perfect for me. I just want to escape to the comfortable safety of someone focused on me, with fondness in their eyes.

I'm really depressed. I just want comfort.

I was supposed to be going to the beach tonight for someone's birthday. A fair few people I know would be there but I feel too vulnerable to 1) turn up by myself 2) make conversation

I find it really hard to make conversation at the moment. I feel like I have nothing to say and often find other people boring.

I'm sticking to my sofa tonight with the heating on and cuddles from the cat.

Met ex this morning for pancakes and coffee. Was feeling depressed when I woke so was not sure I could manage to put on a smile and so on.

I had a little cry as soon as I got into bed last night. Depression is really kicking my b**t at the moment.

Managed to chat and seem reasonably cheerful for the hour and a half we were there. It was nice to see him. He has taken in a new lodger for a bit of company. Life goes on. We hugged and went our separate ways, successfully.

It was actually nothing to do with seeing him but started crying again as soon as I was home. I want to express more but don't know what to say. Just feel really, really low.

Starting to feel a bit better but bought a scratchcard today. Just a stupid decision on a whim.

Continuing to feel a bit better but feeling easily overwhelmed atm. Had a positive day in that I decided to push myself to get showered and dressed soon after breakfast. I often just sit on the sofa, thinking "I've got loads of time" until suddenly it's afternoon and I've wasted hours of the day. Makes it much more difficult to then become productive.

So, I was fed, showered and dressed by 11am. Yes, this isn't all that early, but it's earlier than it would have been, had I sat around procrastinating. The effect this had on me was that I got a lot of little jobs done, by noon. Stuff that has needed doing for weeks but I never seem to get around to. Things that will make my environment nicer. Putting my clean laundry away, rinsing out empty jars and pots so they can go in the recycling bin outside. Little things like this, once they are done, make the place seem tidier, more orderly, less cluttered and messy. I'm no longer walking past the same empty peanut butter jar, thinking everytime I pass it "oh, yeah. That needs sorting out". These are little things but they do make a difference, I think.

Anyway, got a lot done, still had lots of the day to use and decided to do my meditation practice early today. I've been skipping it most days because I put it off then feel too sleepy to do it before bed. So, today, that was done by 2pm. I felt good about myself because it massively improves my wellbeing, so I tend to feel less empowered to manage my mental health when I'm skipping it. It almost influences my attitude toward myself. If I don't prioritise it, I'm not treating my own wellbeing as important and it tends to spill over to affect other choices I make. I'll eat more junk food, for example.

I went out at 2pm to visit the animal rescue and spent some quality time with 3 cats. I felt it made a positive difference to all 3 of them, so felt a sense of achievement.

I got a lift home from the woman who runs the rescue. She's very erratic and scatty and witters on constantly. It was kind of her to give me a lift but I needed a rest when I got in!

Anyway, just good to notice that being more proactive at the start of my day has meant I got more done and feel a bit more "effective" in general. I've definitely made the best of today.

No more gambling to report. My guard is back up to prevent that £1 scratchcard purchase from turning into anything more.

Hi Freda,

I like sometimes to read about the details of peoples of people's day to day lives. Living on my own I lose touch with how out of balance my life can become. Thanks for sharing.

For the last 3 mornings ive been up, washed and dressed by 5 a.m and on two of those days ive worked till 9.30 and 10 P.m respectively, how mad is that??. Am feeling it now mind... I feel f****d with a mouth full of ulcers. I felt like i needed to do that though just so i could start calming myself down about not having any money. There is probably self-punishment going on there as well.

Over the last month ive also done the complete opposite and had days where ive hardly got out of bed and when I have got out of bed... ive just watched tv and procrastinated and ate junk and drank lots of sugary coffee.

What will today bring?

Thanks, SA. Was enjoying having a little witter on. Trying to focus on the positives.

Hard driving lesson today! Tried joining the dual carriageway for the first time with new instructor. I stayed calm enough to actually do it, took the first exit straight back off. Was just really scared. I'm currently really terrified of driving that fast in heavy traffic and joining a new road at high speed.

I managed to keep driving for a few minutes afterwards, although I was a bit shaken up and not able to concentrate as well as usual. We pulled over and he asked me how I thought it had gone. I said I felt really frightened and had hated it. He asked how bad I had felt if 10 was total ease and 0 was sheer terror and I said about a 3! Then I had a little cry!

We had a talk about it, he said I'd done everything well. We are going to chip away at it slowly. I'm not yet used to selecting 5th gear, so I'm nervous about that alongside judging when I can join a road while moving really fast - over 45mph gets me nervous ATM, then just driving on a busy road at that speed without panicking.

I've felt really vulnerable all day. The way you do when you've had a shock or scare of some kind. I hate feeling that way.

Lots of self-care tonight. A hot bath, meditation, yoga and Reiki, I think.