Going to keep this thread now!

Hi Hun....

Your post struck me a lil...smiling to myself actually (& that s unknown really lol).

Well done on getting on that dual carriageway!.i Never had chance to get on them during my driving lessons (didn't do Pass+ either) & know how nervous you must of been...as they say - practice makes it perfect (& even if not perfect...still better than begginers huh)

But you're not alone with your fear here..my first lessons I had to learn what accelerator, brake and handbrake is lol lol..seriously! & not only cause these were new words for me (me no Eeenglish...)but it was hilarious to spend first lesson just sitting there learning new words ;-)))))...shhhh..dont tell anyone, but my instructor only braved to take me on public road after 4 lessons! Ha!!! (& by public road I mean back roads of my deserted village :-0)...but...u understandable - safety first!

I am sure you will pass! It is nerve wrecking but it's natural...also I still do 5 point turn on straight (& wide roads)...& i hate parking!!!..man, I only reverse in parking spaces ...8years since I passed lol

You're doing great! Thank you for making me smile...at least for these 4 mins ☺

Hugs Hun..keep on keeping on!

(((f))))

B&S xx

Hi Freda :)).

A random post here but isn't it strange how our mind works particularly what makes us nervous or uncomfortable ? .

I'm quite fortunate that I don't suffer greatly with any real anxiety but an example for me would be in the fact that I can quite happily have 25 customers in a queue all waiting for something different to be cooked and not be phased at all but get a few family and friends around for a meal and I'd start panicking ! .

What I'm getting at in a roundabout way is why doesn't having a bath or meditating fill you with the same sort of dread as a driving lesson ? If only we could channel our mind into enjoying everything in life as much as the thing's that make us anxious life would truly be a breeze :)).

Enjoy Chilling with some you time :)) x

Hi f,

Thanks for the post. Hope you're doing well and being kind to yourself ☺

Yes...pictures brought a lot of memories back. Way too many and I was looking at them with different eyes. Maybe more mature and understanding ones.

I'm trying to work through these emotions and maybe it will be something I will talk about with my counsellor (when I get round to phone up for assessment).
..

As of the beating myself up after the slip. Cannot answer this as one day I feel ok about it, the next..not so good. I guess it's I individual thing to process those.

Hope you're having a good day!..im multitasking over here with assembling new bed (yay..finally guest room is nearly done)& cooking stew (2 days in a row but we seem to love it!), and getting ready for work! ..little steps forward I think ☺

Be kind to you...stay safe xx

Just a quick check-in. No gambling to report.

Full of cold. Fear has passed until the next time. I continue to face my fears on the roads and on returning to work at the uni.

I had stayed friends with the ex I have posted about. I now know why I was so conflicted about him.

I normally never ignore my gut instinct but with very, very, good and convincing liars, it sometimes slips through.

He was treating me really nicely as a friend. On Saturday night, we were at his and he started initiating s*x. I said I wasn't sure because I don't want to get intimate again unless he has feeling for me that are more than just physical attraction. He said that he would get back together with me, that the only reservation was him worrying that he wouldn't be "enough" for me. I said that all he needed to do was be consistent and not pull away all of a sudden. To just basically treat me well. He had been consistent with me for weeks, very supportive, very caring. He said he could do that. That he knew me better, now. That he had strong emotional feelings for me. We had s*x.

Literally the next day, he sends me a message saying he thinks we should just be friends. I was furious. Really enraged. Phoned him last night, and literally witnessed him gaslighting me. For those who don't know, gaslighting is when someone denies what happened and tries to make you doubt your own reality. He continued to try and manipulate. It was really disturbing. I screamed at him what a disgusting piece of sh** he was, that I never wanted to see him again. He sent me some disgusting texts attempting to justify his behaviour. Saying he'd felt really low on Saturday, that when we were together he got urges that he 'couldn't resist' and he wasn't proud of it. Just literal abuser language.

Thank you everyone who tried to persuade me to stay away from this man. He was a very convincing manipulator and I was lonely. He knew I'd been so low recently that I'd not wanted to go on living and STILL did this - because of some 'urges'. Throughout our conversation, he attempted to wriggle out of responsibility for what he had done and justify his actions but didn't once take responsibility or show an ounce of concern for how distressed I was.

Disgusting excuse for a human being. I was so full of rage that he would take advantage of my vulnerability like that. I felt like I wanted to vomit. Today, my back is sore and inflamed. I'm suffering the after effects of a really nasty shock and of being abused, emotionally. Gaslighting is the lowest of the low. This always fills me with rage immediately. Trying to mess with someone's head, rather than take responsibility. Utterly disgusting.

Today, I say how dare you abuse me and cause me such distress and pain, at an already vulnerable point in my life. I also say thank you for revealing yourself in such a way that cannot leave me in any doubt whatsoever that you are an abuser and not worth spitting on. Thank you for showing me you at your worst, so I never waste a second of my time in your company again.

Hi f.

Soz to hear about recent hurt you encountered once again.

What repulsed me from your post is - "urges".

Ya know...rapists has urged, child molesters has urges, serial killers has urged, cheats has urges but they all have a choice to fight them, esp when other's wellbeing is on the cards!
He will not stop hurting you, playing you and manipulating you until you let him.

I truly hate him for what he is doing to you but I also want to shake you also...wake up woman, take responsibility for your responses and actions. Turn around and walk...dont turn back...plenty of fish in the sea..youre worth better.

Sorry if it came heavy but I kind of care about you and know how vulnerable you feel sometimes. Make those weak moments your strength. You can do it.

B&S xx

Yes Freda, from what you say..he's "played" you. He wanted his oats...fullstop. Most men are not like him. Remember that in a few weeks or months he might get back in contact again...be on your guard.

Take care... S.A

Thanks both,

No need to worry S, I have completely washed my hands of him. I also found his use of language creepy and disturbing. He is an abuser, 100% proof now. I feel it is the lowest anyone can stoop to knowingly take advantage of a vulnerable being. Literally s**m.

You are spot on, SA - I understand how abusers operate. Now I'm certain, I'll be ready for him. Thanks for the reminder 🙂

I forgive him already but will not be letting him know that. Abusers disgust me - to my core.

Such an intense day. Do you ever have those days where there is so much to process that you feel like an overtired toddler? Just overwhelmed and wanting to wail?

Not all bad. Met some friends for coffee and chess, this morning. Three of us women and a man. I remember years ago, before I got married, seeing a picture of him and thinking "phwoar!" funny this universe of ours... Didn't know him then, was a friend of a friend. Still remember it, though.

He is a good person. A good man. Good father. Other two have to clear off and leave us. He goes to the bathroom. I haven't known one of them very long, but she is very close to him. We're not together, you know, she says. Then starts winking at me.

Oh, gawd, I can't process this RIGHT NOW!!!! I just came out of an abusive relationship 3 days ago! I say, shaking. Then he was back. My nerves are frazzled atm. It left me wondering if she was trying to tell me he was about to ask me out. I went really hot and shaky. My body just couldn't process the feelings.

So, really nice, really. Not the best of timing, though. He didn't ask me out but I saw that he was looking at me in that way, out of the corner of my eye. It was really sweet. He was just looking at my face. Not leering at my body, just looking at my face. This should feel really nice but I can't feel anything at the moment. I'm still numb.

Anyway, so there was that. Good but unexpected. Went home to eat before my driving lesson and was involved in comforting a suicidal person on a Facebook support page. Got massively triggered by someone who I just get a bad feeling about, posting to say she agreed with the suicidal person.. That there was no point going on.

I was furious. My gut instinct is that this person is a narcissist and isn't genuinely in the same distressed position. I got that cold, creeping feeling over my skin, that you get when you are witnessing something very sinister.

Of course, this person could just be really thick and not thinking that this could tip this person in crisis over the edge. I just had a very strong gut feeling that it was intentional, though. Abuse. I replied saying "is this the best time to be saying that?" I waited a couple of minutes, then tagged the admin of the page. She got really angry. A narcissistic sociopath would get angry in this scenario. I felt such rage. It mirrored my own experience just days earlier. Of being emotionally abused while vulnerable. I have strong feelings of disgust for this.

It was very stressful to be triggered this way. I had to go straight out to start a driving lesson. I told the instructor I was feeling angry and why. It was really hard to concentrate. I wouldn't have driven had it been a regular car. It was safe with an instructor and dual controls and him knowing what emotional state I was in. Very stressful on my body, if you can understand.

During the lesson, it was like a comedy sketch on some mother's do ave em. Motorcycles roaring past me on the wrong side, unable to be seen, kids suddenly ejecting themselves into the road on bicycles, even a zombie-like man walking right in front of the moving car. It was bizarre.

Miraculously, no-one was hurt and I didn't have a nervous breakdown!!!

I'm just exhausted now, though. Will just hide at home tomorrow and not deal with the world.

Feeling much calmer and happier.

Pleased to have that a s s hole out of my life. Have hardly thought about him. He hasn't been in touch, thankfully. Lesson here is trust my gut, ALWAYS. Even when appearances are very convincing.

I'm fostering a kitten for a couple of weeks. Keith. He's nuts! He really gets on my cats wick. He's very OTT.

Have more energy and have started running again. Getting back to peace, happiness and myself.

Feeling really depressed today. Really, really vulnerable and afraid of the future.

Think it has, in part, been triggered by talking to a friend about how he might move away. I depend on his girlfriend for a lot of my social connection. I join her a couple of times a week to walk her dogs and she is really supportive if anything upsetting happens in my life. I guess it's not ideal to think about that when I'm already feeling low.

My thoughts are mostly circling around it being unsafe to be so isolated and that I have no-one close to look after me or help me if I was to fall ill. I feel really unwell today, as I have a late period I'm waiting for and it has given me a really sore back and tummy and I feel really lethargic.

Today, I miss having a boyfriend. Having someone to cuddle me and show me some love when I feel bad. I really miss my ex husband. I miss the safety of a longterm relationship. The company from living with someone who I trust and feel safe with.

I know deep down that I can have these things again some day but it's hard when you're hurting and want someone now.

I have the foster kitten sleeping on my knee. He is really sweet and is some comfort. I just keep telling myself over and over that this state of mind isn't real and it will pass.

It's really painful!

Need to do a gratitude list.

1) I'm grateful I'm warm and dry.

2) I'm grateful for the beach, today. I loved plodging at the water's edge.

3) I'm grateful for my friends dog. It was great watching her running on the beach today. She is a whippet and they look so beautiful when they launch into a run.

4) I'm grateful for the bargain I got today. 50p for my sandwich from Boots! it was their new vegan one. I was excited to try it.

5) I'm grateful for the lovely chat I had with a little boy, today. He was so sweet! He wanted to stroke the dog and said he loved her. He told me how her long claws helped her to run really fast and said thank you for letting him stroke her.

6) I'm grateful that I was feeling confident enough to host a couple of friends the other night. It has been ages since I tried because I was afraid I would get anxious and alienate people by having to ask them to leave. This is a good sign of progress.

7) I'm grateful my ex boyfriend has stayed away.

8) I'm grateful I have 5 subscribers now on youtube! I vlog about things and find it cathartic.

9) I'm grateful for my laptop.

10) I'm grateful for chatrooms. I went on the GA chatroom for a bit this afternoon and it helped to connect a bit.

Hi f :))

I did see your post concerning Mr " Doushbag " ( is that the way you spell it ? ) and was doing a little mini fist pump but didn't want to come accross all " I told you so " in a fatherly way although in all honest it's probably closer to being in a " Grandfatherly way " these day's with the new addition to my clan and all :)) .

I think it's far easier for someone looking in from the outside to see his" hidden agenda" shining through from between your lines of text and that's no disrepect to you because as we all know " Love is blind " and in some cases " The need to have someone in your life " also fits that bill .

I'm currently going through the same thing with my son who met his girl at Uni and who have been going steady for the last 6 months , which was great to start with but who in my eyes seem's to be playing him like a Goodun ? His love or need to have her in his life is also making it difficult to see clearly and even today he's gone up to see her to " Calm the waters " , I think there world's apart on what they want and who as individuals they need but all I can do is be there when he want's to talk as it's for him too see or not as the case may be , I actually like her but just feel there's too many differences :)) .

You know f it's easy to say but not everyone's the same and I'm sure you'll find the " one " sooner than later but it's usually when your not actually looking or thinking about it that it will strike , which is how I met my partner with whom I've been so happy with for the last 9 yrs and who was like a breath of fresh air coming into my life after a pretty nasty divorce but I guess:you don't appreciate the good until youv'e been through the bad ? :)) .

The Fotsering is great and bring's a lot of joy to our live's although challenging at times it's nice to make a little change for the better to someone who shouldn't have gone through some of life's not so nice experiences .

The post from Shaun was highlited last night when I watched a Louis theroux programme about Gambling in Vegas and more about the " High Roller's " are invited and looked after by the casino fixers who's job it is to keep them playing . I thought it may make me uncomfortable watching it with alot of roulette actin which was one of my downfalls but I can see gambling for what it is these day's now I've had a couple of years clean and it was really just full of people like I used to be in total denial giving reasons to gamble in order to justify the continuing losses :((.

I guess we go back to that saying " Nothing changes if nothing changes " ? , glad to see youv'e made a least one good change in your life by giving you know who the " Heave Ho " and more importantly that as we all should do Learnt' from another of life's experiences :)) Good on you f :))..

Talk to you soon and thank's for the drop by :))

Grandad :)) x

My foster kitten just deleted a really long post I'd written! arrrgh!

Gist was: I've been expressing a lot of strong anger and grief recently. It's exhausting but feels healing.

And thank you Grandad 🙂 your posts often make me cry but in a good way. It's like someone sent an angel to give me a big hug.