Going to keep this thread now!

What an emotionally intense week! I have not wanted to go on living, at some points. I seriously doubt I'd act on those feelings but despair, anger, fear, grief - they've all been close by, this week.

I fostered a kitten, who was sweet, bless him but glad to have a more peaceful home once more!

Life feels quite surreal, these days. I'm off on a weekend away with complete strangers tomorrow. I kind of feel nervous but can't really be bothered to, at the same time. It's a spiritual kind of weekend. Talking in circle and doing a bit of mad freeflow dancing. I'll take some valium. Everything is OK when you've had a valium! haha.

Actually looking forward to connecting with people, just wish it wasn't on the tail of an emotional, depression week.

The retreat was really tough for me at first. Had really bad anxiety on the way there and for the first day. I had to take valium and felt very sad that I had no-one to comfort me. I'm sure someone would have, had I asked, but I felt shy as I had only just met them.

I ended up enjoying the second evening and the morning after that but it really took it out of me, energywise. A lot of them said they thought I was very brave.

I feel lonely.

I'm sorry you feel lonely Freda. Sending you a ((hug)).

Cathyx

Awwww, thank you! 🙂

I generally don't feel lonely but it's the occasional times when you have a bad time of it, you really feel the loss of that person to hold you.

I feel champion again, now!

I sometimes feel I go around in circles and not much changes but I'm not gambling, which is a good start.

I continue to really struggle with my mental health. I have felt a lot of fear over the past few days. Some friends who have been really helpful to me went to view a house in Wales the other day. We're in the North East. It really shook my foundations. I know it's not good to depend on people but when you struggle with physical or mental health, it's really hard not to.

Anyway, turns out they're not going but triggered me massively. I'm still recovering from that man who treated me like shi t. Life can feel very precarious at times.

Still feeling a lot of fear and anxiety.

Today I had a meltdown because the pharmacy don't have my medication and I may have to sort it out on the day I run out. When you are struggling to get out of the house in general, to have to make it to the pharmacy or run out of meds is not a nice scenario to be put in.

I just want to escape from this hellish reality. If I wasn't afraid of death, I'd have killed myself by now. I was doing so well in May until I met the ex and ended up worse off than I was to start with. I wish I was back in that more hopeful place.

Hi Freda,

I often read your diary I’m just never really sure what to say. I can see you’re not in the best place at the moment. But I can tell you with certainty bad times don’t last forever. You seemed to have found that good place a while back when you were writing you things to be thankful for list. I used to check it all the time because it made me laugh (not in a bad way) the bits about the Valium tickled me.

Anyway obviously the ex bf was a bit of a douche and you’re most likely better off without him and I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that.

I’ve picked out a song and I think you should play it out loud and think of him when you hear the words. https://youtu.be/v-Dur3uXXCQ

Thanks, Wentworth 🙂

Ahhh, I'm surprised people read it. I know me old mates from when I was active on the forum do but I just write it for catharsis now, mostly. I guess I've got some decentbits of wisdom to share from my gambling days but it rarely comes up in my diary now. I think that's what recovery is all about, though, in a way. Keep expressing yourself and feeling your feelings and your diary will have fewer mentions of gambling.

I can't remember what I've said about valium, now... haha! Most probably my love affair with it and that life would be a piece of P*s if you could take it every day without harm 😉

I'm often struggling emotionally, when I write the gratitude lists. That's why I do em. Try to stop the plummet into depression.

I feel much better today, thank goodness, although still quite cack.

Freda

I have read your diary for a long time now, I have taken a great more from it than I have contributed to it, for me it has helped me challenge myself and reevaluate my beliefs often.

I believe for you like me writing here gifts a better personal sense of wellbeing

For that keep writing my dear friend.

Glad today you had a better day, for me I know the value of each day without the presence of depression and without doubt they will help me through the days when depression is present.

Look after you.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi... Ive always enjoyed reading your diary.

You say it as it is, feelings and all.

Like you say... catharsis

Hugs... S.A 🙂

Thanks, guys 🙂 it's nice to know others find value in my ramblings.

I'm definitely feeling a bit less fear.

Going to attempt a walk in the park, shortly. It's just a 5 minute walk from my house. There are ways I can make my route shorter and so on. It will be good for me, even though I still feel a bit shaky and fragile.

It will hopefully take some of the shakiness away.

I have asked for adult mental health services to contact me to talk about my diagnosis and have a discussion about PTSD and if it may be relevant to include it in my mental health picture. I definitely have very strong reactions to events and behaviour along certain themes - powerlessness, domination, judgement and other things like that.

I did some self CBT exercises yesterday and meditated twice. They both seem to help a lot. The less painful, intense place I've shifted into is much easier to manage, although I've struggled to do anything functional, like make appointments, social arrangements, or have a driving lesson.

I felt such gratitude for my friendship with my ex-husband, last night. It's so helpful to me to have someone in my life who knows me really well and always supports me in a way that feels good. Having faith in me and never judging me.

I'm really struggling in life at the moment. Lots of strong emotion coming up. I have a feeling this is very old stuff, as there is sometimes no trigger, apart from a feeling that emotions are starting to rise up in me. I wept for a bit tonight and felt calmer for it.

I'm spending most of my time alone, which probably isn't healthy.

I spoke to a mental health nurse this morning, who has referred me to see a psychologist. I'm kind of glad about this, as I don't feel my diagnosis is right. This is more complex than anxiety and depression.

I walked a few miles today, which is good. I'm going for Reiki in the morning. Hoping it helps.

I managed to go to work yesterday and I think it did me good.

I really miss my ex-husband. I long for some safe, supportive company.

May peace stay with you...youre not alone even if it feels like it some days

((((f)))) x

Thank you 🙂

I'm struggling to believe it's going to be OK. There are so many traumatised people around me. Myself included.

There is help around also.Trauma is something we live for life, it's not gonna go, however managing it (with help) is possible. Then and now are two different spheres. It can stay in our subconscious but it's very important that "now" can be a lot peaceful and calm if we let it be.

This time of the year doesn't help many, myself included, so more than ever need to keep reaching out...talking, sharing.

I like connection. Don't find it often but when I do, I feel alive again! ☺....maybe I just take massive positive in knowing someone who can challenge my mind. Communication is all about that. Challenging yourself and your ability to make change. As they say - two heads are better than one :-). Even on here, talking and bouncing thoughts off each other is big help for suffering souls...

Be kind to you...it WILL get better

X