Going to keep this thread now!

Thanks, that's really kind of you to say.

I told a samaritan to f*** off on the phone today. I said I was finding it hard to be optimistic when there was so much stress and struggle around me. That I live in a city with high economic deprivation and I am struggling to stay positive when no-one I see regularly is thriving. Like, they are really struggling to cope, nevermind thrive. I started talking about how the cuts were traumatising people, as there is no safety net anymore. It felt like it was compounding my depression and making me feel more powerless. She asked are my family supportive? No, I said. They can't cope either. Their generation was also traumatised. What by? she asked. She seemed uncomfortable with the political theme to my problems, but I explained that they were trying to raise us under Thatcher's government and their mortgage payments doubled virtually overnight. That they were worried they and their children would become homeless.

Her response to this was - yes, but that would have happened to everyone. I said "Yes, that's why so many people struggle today. Because a whole generation learned from their parents that the world was not safe without plenty of money - and now it is extremely hard to have plenty of money because jobs are in short supply and so stressful that it is difficult to cope with them." I'm not saying my struggle is unique, I am saying that it is valid. Just because it has become the norm, doesn't mean it is healthy.

She just wouldn't have it and got very defensive and said she didn't want to get drawn into a political debate. She was here to listen to me, not debate politics. I said it would be nice if she could acknowledge that it was a difficult situation and wasn't as easy as just thinking more positively. That it's hard to stay positive when everyone around you is overwhelmed and therefore rather than fall back on the support of your community to get through a tough time, everyone is just as scared and overwhelmed.

Well, that's just a normal part of life, she said. That's when I told her to eff off and hung up.

I find it so disturbing when people can't acknowledge that our society is in deep doo doo. I rang back and got through to a different woman. She was lovely and very supportive. She understood that I hadn't rang the samaritans just to be told to "just get on with it like everyone else."

I don't actually feel bad for swearing at that other woman. She shouldn't be answering the phones if she dismisses what people are going through, just like that. It makes me feel like I am going mad when people don't accept there is a problem. I was in tears and talking about nurses, with degrees, using foodbanks. I don't get how anyone can feel that is not a sign of urgent change needed.

She must have been a Tory voter. A lot of people try to convince themselves they are still good people by trying to "counterbalance" their actions with good deeds. I guess my reflection of reality made it hard for her to still feel good about herself.

Thing is, that "don't be a baby, just get on with it" attitude is so toxic. It makes people feel shame, when they are doing their best. Life is not a competition, just because she is coping and I'm not, doesn't mean I can just snap out of it. Even if I am just "pathetic" or whatever these people presume is wrong with those who are not coping, is it right to have no compassion for them?

She was a massive a r*e hole.

o*g Freda....

I'm crying now because originally your post made me smile. Not taking a Mickey out of serious conversation and willing you to keep talking your worries out because you have right to do so...rant dear lady RANT as much as you want!
The operator shouldn't be working/ vollunteering there if started taking political sides. You just wanted to express your feelings and nothing is wrong there. She could of been more empathetic that's for sure by the sounds of it.

I nearly had a rant with a vet today as she "suggested" that my doggie is pregnant. I said no way & she just likes her food that's why her bwlly is wobbly all over but she just had that smirk on the face I didn't like at all! Next she started squeezing lil paw's boobies expecting milk out of them and I nearly had to remind her dog is not a cow!

Anyway, after the ordeal we were sent home with some drops (suspectidly to limit her milk glands???) and another appointment for next week. I went out of my way booking days off and preparing for this day and here we go...all went down the drain and I have to rearrange everything again. It upsets me to be honest. Can't take more stress on.

I went to the church to find it closed. Why churches are closed in a day? This upset me too...i just wanted some peace and say a little prayer. Being in a church may just make it more real...

I'm blabbing on. I hope you find today more peaceful and calm.
Be kind to yourself

X

Ohhhh, I've just realised who you are, P! 🙂 you just changed your name, I thought you were someone new.

I'm OK today. Coming out of it now, hopefully. It has been quite a long bad patch, which has made me struggle with it a bit more. You can kind of just suck it up and get on with it for a few days but this has been a couple of weeks.

I guess the cold and dark haven't helped!

I have gotten back into my meditation practice, which has helped a lot. I let it slip completely, but doing it most days is what is best for me and my health.

Hope doggy isn't too upset with fireworks this weekend.

You can almost pass for detective 😉

I'm not one for new threads or names but never say never huh! Another journal hurts too much...i can't put into words how much so this one came along, alongside the new motto - "freedom of speech"!

Meditation..something I didn't try yet but possibilities are endless so would like to step up here also and give it a shot. My walks works for me similar to meditation. I find myself connecting to my soul..even if only briefly.

Oh, poor lil one is definitely scared of banging around. She is not a fan of bathroom (since she knows it's the place to put a shower cap on and have a good scrub) but yesterday, she was following me there every time I needed a loo....& we only had few fireworks going off!. Dread today and shall be snuggling up with her under the sheets when darkness falls.

You have a good day too ☺...stay safe and calm

X

Truly bizarre few days.

Back in June, I asked my ex-boyfriend to stop contacting me. This is not the most recent one who was using me for s*x but the one before. He is a car crash of a guy. Also a compulsive gambler, he admitted he had been declared bankrupt at one point, so it progressed to pretty chronic levels. This man is 41 years old and has never engaged with any recovery work. He is still in denial. He has a restraining order barring him from having any contact with another ex-girlfriend, as he also wouldn't respect her boundaries when she asked him to leave her alone.

I'd asked him to never contact me again, in June, as, on top of him claiming he was receiving anonymous death threats in the post, as was the ex-girlfriend who had the restraining order, he'd contacted me to say that someone had told the police that he was a child molestor. That was enough chaos for me. I didn't believe his most recent story one bit.

Anyway..... he did stop contacting me for a good while. I thought he was finally gone. Few days ago I get an email from him. He makes some stupid story up about me sending him a message via Skype. Utter rubbish. Just an excuse to contact me. He said in the email that he had been to my workplace and left a package for me. Bang out of order.

So.....I get to collect it last night, there's a note in there saying he'd inherited some money recently and wanted me to have some of it. There was £250 in cash. f*****g weirdo.

I refuse to make any contact whatsoever with him. I don't want his money but am adamant I'm not posting it back. It's like some weird power/control game. I won't allow anyone to force me to do anything. Idiot.

Anyway, I feel weird about having it or spending it. I don't feel guilty or sorry for him. I just feel unsure what to actually do with it.

I'm thinking it over carefully, but I think I want the police to know about it, in light of him already having a restraining order from an ex-girlfriend. I'd be well within my rights to ask them to give him a caution but I don't want to. I'm not sure why. It's a weird state to be in, having someone disrespect your boundaries or abuse you. I know 100% that it's wrong but it feels over the top to punish.

Anyway, just writing down my thoughts. Not sure what to do. Anxiety continues to reduce gradually....although this didn't exactly help! Time for meditation practice.

Slept on it and had the police round the next day. Decided not to have them talk to him or arrest him - seemed a bit harsh, despite him violating my boundaries - but they have recorded it as a crime (harassment) and it's there in case anything else should happen.

I'm out of my deep depression and now just in the usual, mild feeling of emptiness and something not quite being right. Usually the only thing that takes it away is cuddles from someone who loves me, or regular meditation.

Hi Freda

Hope you're feeling better this week ☺

Deep breaths girl....deep breaths

S x

Hi Freda,

Just popping round with a supportive high five, I don't post so often but today decided to give some support to the posters who have helped me in the past so I couldn't leave out my old diary buddy Freda. I have been catching up on your diary and you have had a rough time men-wise, if you don't mind me saying.You seem to have got shot of the ones who deserved it and you were so right not to accept that money. I understand what you say about missing hugs and physical contact, sometimes I don't want someone to listen or speak or offer advice or lecture I just want a hug.

It sounds like you are having some good days and some bad ones, keep fighting, it may be raining now but the sun will shine no matter how impossible or improbable it may seem.

Stay safe and strong

Paulds

I'm in a right one, today! Just need a rant and a ramble. To let it all out.

Firstly, I'm missing my positive things. I have been full of cold and unable to exercise. This has been one of the things I could do despite whatever else was happening in my life. It made me feel strong and resilient and in control of at least something! I had 2 weeks off because of depression before that, so I'm really irritated by not getting to run and keep building on my fitness.

I've also taken a break from driving lessons. I was managing to keep on top of the stress I was feeling but if something else happened to me, it made me realise I had less resilience because of it. When I was triggered into anxiety and depression, thinking my two close friends might be moving away, it was too much. I miss the feeling of progress and getting somewhere that learning to drive gave me. I know this is only temporary but it has disrupted my positive momentum I'd built up. I'd started to believe that I could achieve something again, despite my emotional difficulties. It felt amazing to feel optimism again.

I'm writing this entry in two parts because I will scream if I lose it all, by the internet dropping out, or something!

I'd been getting to know someone ( a man ) who a lot of mutual friends know. He appears to be a "good man" from what I can tell. I really don't feel ready to be with anyone again yet but it certainly felt safer to get to know someone who seems genuinely a good guy. Neither of us have actually said anything to one another, there's just definitely an energy between us.

It has felt nice to experience the feeling of fondness coming from another person. To catch someone looking at me out of the corner of my eye. I suppose just being noticed.

I was going to say something soon. Just to level things out. To bring it out in the open.

We are friends, so it matters, I think. I was going to say something along the lines of ' I might be wrong but there seems to be a bit of chemistry between us. I'm not sure I can trust anyone yet, though. I'm very wary of spoiling our friendship.'

Anyway, last night we had a very se x ual conversation on messenger and it brought a lot of fear up for me. That has been hard today. It wasn't directly sexual toward each other but skirting round the edges. He was the one sort of, pursuing that tone.

It made me feel afraid in general. Getting close to anyone does. It made me feel scared that what I know of him so far is not real. That he has been behaving in a way to get me to like him. That he doesn't like me in general but just wants someone to have s*x with. Lots of scary feelings.

I also just had a negative thought spiral about the state of the world and feel pessimistic, like we're all doomed. That is not nice to be sitting with, either.

Hi f! I just got out for a evening stroll (companies developments made the car park location same as Gatwick airport! No lying...quite a track!)

Thanks for your post! A lot has happened since you went AWOL for a while (as I see been busy creating connections).
I do appreciate my counsellor. That's what I need to be honest . Someone to talk to who cares enough to listen and also it's very therapeutic to challenge your thought process. We do seem to get on well and I guess it works both ways for us with bouncing those thoughts off each other. Of course it's different with her being my therapist but as I always said - two heads better than one and I am getting so much out of my ramblings...i am learning as I go so it's fantastic feeling for sure! I learned something today I didn't know yesterday and that is what personal growth is all about...

Anyyywwaaayyyy..what is going on with You? you don't seem to be wasting time huh ☺

Please hun just be careful. You have been hurt in the past, don't let the cycle repeat again.

I know you're capable of making a turn here and not repeating old trust" mistakes.

Look after you. Listen to your heart but don't dismiss those nagging brain cells either ☺

Spk soon

S&B xx

I have also kept the money, for now. I kind of don't care if anyone judges that, or thinks it's wrong. I've very assertively kept my boundaries up, making it clear I want nothing to do with him.

I was in two minds. On one hand, I wanted nothing from him and didn't want him to think I owed him anything. On the other, I defiantly wanted to keep it in order to teach him a lesson. That he shouldn't give gifts with strings attached. That if he was going to pretend he was doing it out of the goodness of his heart, he had to be prepared to lose it and get nothing in return.

While I was deciding what to do, he phoned the police to complain about me slandering him! I make Youtube videos. I made one about the importance of boundaries and how some people will go to great lengths to try and get back in contact with you. I mentioned an ex who had told me someone accused him of molesting children. This was him and it was true he'd told me that. I didn't name him, though. I said it was probably a made up story to try and get me to feel sorry for him. He told the police that I'd publicly accused him of being a paedophile! I explained I'd done no such thing and told them to watch the video. I ended up agreeing to taKe it down so that he would drop the complaint. So, I really don't feel sorry for him at all now.

Hi chook!

How are you feeling this week?

Sending you a bucket of strength and hugs!

Keep being kind to You!

(((((((((((f)))))))))) xx

Hey there, lovely!

I am doing OK 🙂

A little romance has been blossoming with someone. It's very sweet. I'm not that into him yet but it is nice to have some affectionate moments and cuddles with someone.

We are writing each other little poems.

Ohhhhhh...romance huh ☺

Let me know when to get a hat!

Please hun be careful and follow your instincts/heart/head all at once :-))))

Good to hear you're sounding calm and positive.

Keep it up!

S&B xx