Going to keep this thread now!

Thanks, S 🙂

We were mates already. Lots of mutual friends. No-one has a bad word to say about him.

Who knows if it will work out but he treats me with nothing but respect.

Hey girl

Thank you for your encouraging words...

I have had many many unfortunate events in my life. The ones where I had control off, is really winding me up now..but ...i dunno, I can't change the past & Yes, maturity is an important stage in life.

I just wish I didn't reflect this deep but I guess I have to look back to help my future self.

I hope you're well and happy ☺ romance blossoming and you're able to be yourself...at peace, calm and smiling ☺

You deserve all best tgings in life...& maybe just maybe I do too 😉

Stay safe and well

Hugs back

(((((f)))))) xxx

I've been happier the past week or two, yeah.

I have had one of my days today, well, this afternoon. Where I hurt, in my heart and weep. I don't even know why. I think part of it is shame I feel about my body and appearance. I don't know why I'm hurting this much, though. I often have no idea at all why I'm crying. It's just deep grief that moves through me.

Hi lovely

Thank you for your support as always. You do help me to calm down and stop beating myself up over things...even if the task seems impossible in my mind.

Hope you have had a good day and feeling happy and at peace. Emotions can be biat*hes huh but we can manage them as we know they're gonna pass...

Proud of you and willing you on on your journey ahead!

Thanks for everything dear f

S xx

I feel a bit wary about this new relationship. I think he is attaching to me as his source of escapism/happiness. To cheer him up and take his mind off things. When I feel sad and unhappy, he is not as interested.

We are chatting a lot on an evening, on messenger, instead of me getting on with things. Again, he says a lot of nice things to me - but I want love, not flattery. I want him to want to get to know me. What I think, what I feel about things.

It's serving him more than it's serving me, at the moment.

I feel a bit bleak. I'm sick of seeing distress and poverty all around me. Hard to stay positive.

I just gave £250 to the women's refuge. It's the money the ex boyfriend left at my workplace.

I have been feeling quite hopeless today. It has been hard to motivate myself to do anything.

I got showered and did the washing up. That's much better than when I am at my worst but it stills leaves me far from moving forward with my life.

New boyfriend talks at length about everything that's going on in his life, how he feels about it, what he's struggling with etc. I don't mind at all but it's not about me, much. He gives me compliments a lot and says how wonderful I am. I don't know. Flattery isn't really of any use to me. It's all gratitude about how I make him feel, because I listen and I'm kind to him. I do wonder how wonderful he would think I am if I talked about how hard I find life. I wonder if he would listen to how stuck and afraid I feel. How angry and frustrated I get with workplaces. How depressing I find it to hear stories about people in awful situations. How little confidence and energy I have to do things to improve my life. How I long to be around people who are thriving, so I can feel more hopeful.

How some days, I just want it to be about me and my needs.

I just took the space.

Didn't ask him how his day had been. I'm learning not to do this if I'm in need of being heard. He will happily talk for ages about just day to day moany things. I just said "I am depressed today". He wrote me a little poem.

"She's depressed today, he doesn't know how to help, just that he wants to."

Then he sent me a cute video of a cat having physio in a swimming pool and asked if I wanted to talk about it. Then listened and was lovely and said he'd do whatever he could to be supportive.

He is a really good man.

Hi Hun..

Knackered so just popping by to say hi and for a quick catch up!

Ohhh..new man sounds like the one! I am so glad to read he is there for you. It doesn't matter if he can't say the right things when you're feeling low...all what matters - he is there for you.
I rememeber finding complete peace when had a company of someone who didn't even said a thing...just knowing that ppl are there for you is a massive boost possible!

Hope you will feel better soon. Bear in mind that this season is not one of the fav for many of us..just gotta ride it out!..sun & warmth will be there again..very soon ☺

My lil girl is still in pain but the painkillers sedates her for the day/ night..she does whine in early mornings still and I do jump up each time trying to comfort her and tell her "it's ok..im here"...vets don't know what it is and if it don't pass, we will need a scan. I just pray it's a sprain and will clear soon....
Just yesterday I looked into her eyes & hand on heard...i need her as much as she needs me. & That's some truly amazing feelings to have!

Work promotion?..nahh..its not work. Its opportunity to completely change the route in life for me. Can I do It? Yes! Can I "manage" my future boss/ colleagues..not so sure. I'm 50/50. ...& only cause of silly stuff what happened on a weekend. I think i deserve respect huh..im not a s*lut for sure! Dissapointed and shoud go by the book but am not a snitch so will drop it....all in all...i don't want another f**k*er to put foot in my future and trip me up..esp when I follow my dream!!..enough is enough! I'm grown up woman to stand for myself!..I leave it there for you to get the drift I'm suggesting. (I got mad here lol..sorry for dropping this "bomb" on your diary).

Parents will be parents..we all have some decisions to make huh
..but you're right. ..some common sense would of been appreciated in their youths.

And as of 9 days (8 now ☺). I had a car accident this time last year and ...just...i am still here by the God knows what wish ☺

I am glad I am! & I shall celebrate next Friday ☺

That's me. I'm pleased to see you talking and fighting the good fight!

Remember - you deserve the best things in life...follow your dreams & never give up on them!

S&B xx

I think it is disgusting that women are judged in a way that men are not. It sounds like this man did not lose anyone's respect.

My friend stayed the night on Friday. There were aspects of it that were lovely but man, I really like having my bed to myself! I didn't sleep well. Last night I slept for 12 hours!!! Making up for it, no doubt.

I like him but am feeling quite numb. He also has a lot of walls up. We give a lot of sweet TLC to one another Cuddles, hugs and stroking. He's not able to be fully intimate yet. There's a lot of pain and fear there. He finds it difficult to connect fully.

I'm still feeling some body shame about my stomach. It is pretty rotund at the moment. I'm also very lethargic, so it's hard to get much exercise.

I feel really shy about holding hands with him in public. I feel a little mean for this. I think I've enjoyed my love life being totally separate since I've been divorced. It has not until now, been with someone who knows a lot of the same people that I do.

He has been asking a mutual friend for advice on snacks that are vegan. I am vegan, he is currently a meat eater. I've told him it's fine by me, if he wants to eat meat around me. The mutual friend said he wants to try and become vegan. That felt a bit scary. I think this is for lots of reasons. My mother oftens tries to do things I do to become closer to me but it feels bad. It feels like she doesn't know who she is and isn't good with boundaries. It feels suffocating. So, I think it feels threatening for anyone to make changes to be more like me. I've had to fight to get to be "me" and for her to recognise that I am different from her. I also feel some fear around someone being so into me. It's a form of imposter syndrome. I feel like they must be mistaken in some way. That they will find me out, as not being all that good after all. Finally, because I'm so numb, nothing feels right. I don't know if we are right for one another. I don't have much to say at the moment. I'm finding it hard to make conversation. It's making me feel very disconnected from people. I feel it is largely the medication. I'm in some sort of fuzzy, sedated bubble.

I had planned to go dancing today, with a bunch of hippies. I didn't go because I just want to hibernate. I've looked forward to dancing but I just don't feel like it today.

I'm going to read my book and rest and be lazy. On the sofa, under a blanket, just me and the cat.

No urges to gamble at present.

Oh Freda,

Probably I'm gonna be striked by the lighting bolt but man - you do make me laugh!!!!

The way you describe your life has hidden smiley faces (or is it just mine childish sarcastic reading glasses i wear lol)

All in all...i am happy to see you fighting for yourself (& hopefully you will master the technique for a space in bed!)

Good to see you looking after yourself...one step forward hun, be true to you!

Duties calling over here so I wish you peaceful and warm evening!
Be kind to you.

S&B xx

P.s. thanks for the post, I missed that one! Yes...connection...it was weird to hear from my ex today as I did think about him recently. We plan a get around (no intimacy!) & hopefully a good catch up on the present world. We like to philosophise about it and that's what made us tick before!.

I'm going for sure now lol..later x

I don't mind people finding me funny. They often find me funny when I'm not even meaning to be. I get quite intrigued about it!

I was being serious about my new gentleman friend. I don't want other people's interference or input. I don't really know if it will work out yet, I think that's why I feel private about it.

I'm sick of having a big belly but I like eating lots of food!

I'm sorry if I insulted you with my last post.
You know me by now, I can be careless with my chosen words.

I'm sure you don't have a big belly as you say...besides, many men likes some curves better than bones sticking out!

Have some confidence about yourself woman! You ARE enough.

Take care and sleep well

Haha! not at all! I'm just intrigued by what makes people laugh.

I felt a bit sad last night.

I'm so grateful for learning this state of allowing.

My new relationship is starting to become close and intimate. Meanwhile, he and his co-parent have decided it is time to break the news to their son. That mum and Dad have split up. That Dad is moving out in a couple of weeks.

Little one is only 7, so it is an intense and emotional time for their little family. I get that and I'm not angry or bitter. However, I also have my own needs and feelings and that's OK.

So, I have allowed myself this sadness that I won't be seeing him over Christmas. I have allowed my inner child to ask "what about me?" I am not beating myself up about having these feelings. I am not selfish, or bad. I just am. I just am a person with needs. I'm going without loving company this Christmas when I'd rather not. He doesn't need to know about these feelings. Nothing he can do about them. His kids will always come first and that is part of what makes him beautiful.

Let your feelings come this Christmas. Whatever they are. Honour them and show them love.

Hi Freda,

I always feel so awkward writing on others diaries. I can't even say why. Am grateful to you for your words about letting yourself feel. It reminds me to feel what I need to feel without guilt or shame. Merry Christmas Freda.